View Poll Results: Would you?
Yes 4 22.22%
No 14 77.78%
Voters: 18. You may not vote on this poll

 
 
Thread Tools

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#1
Old 08-10-2011, 12:14 AM

Would you ever date someone who your best friend had a huge crush on?

People have different opinions on whether it's right or wrong. Some say, "Hey, if you like someone, you should go for it! Especially if your friend has no real chance with them anyway." But others will insist, "A true friend wouldn't put their best friend in that awkward situation. It's just plain inconsiderate!"


Today I found out that my long-time crush asked my best friend out, and she's agreed to give him a try. And I don't know how to feel about this. Should I be angry? Or should I accept it and remain friends with the two of them? Should I feel betrayed? Or should I wish them the best?

(And yes, she did know about my feelings for him. And so did he, as a matter of fact. I really never had much of a chance with him anyway, since he only sees me as a sister, but still.... I've thought long and hard about this and I'm fairly certain that if I were in her situation I would have chosen my friend's feelings over the guy. But is that just me being selfish and old-fashioned?)

Last edited by Lost in Austen; 08-10-2011 at 12:16 AM..

voenne
⊙ω⊙
3099.97
voenne is offline
 
#2
Old 08-10-2011, 12:27 AM

I'm sorry your friend did that to you. I wouldn't go out with a guy that a friend of mine had feelings for, no matter how charming the guy was. I find what your friend did very disrespectful; she could have at least asked you, having known about your feelings. I would be really upset.

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#3
Old 08-10-2011, 12:31 AM

Yeah, she didn't ask me. She did, however, give me a head's up the day before she suspected he'd ask her out. So I can at least give her that. But she didn't ask for permission; she was more or less informing me of what was utterly out of my control.

voenne
⊙ω⊙
3099.97
voenne is offline
 
#4
Old 08-10-2011, 01:14 AM

Yeah, but it wasn't out of her control, if she truly valued your friendship. Friendships tend to fade when dating becomes part of the picture... so if you want to keep this friend, you should stick up for yourself instead of waiting it out and feeling bitter towards the two. Otherwise, it's hard to go on when trust is broken. Good luck. :(

ElysiumFate
There is beauty everywhere.
8328.14
ElysiumFate is offline
 
#5
Old 08-10-2011, 02:41 AM

When people start dating, period...friendships tend to get difficult.

When you're hanging out with them you know they're ignoring their boyfriends for you, etc. and most of the time they won't give you the time of day if the guy wants them instead. This is from my experience at least. Anyway, that was kind of an off rant.

I think she is being very disrespectful. Apparently she ditched "how to be a good woman" school before she was born and didn't have the instinctual, and honorable, "girl code" ingrained into her system.

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#6
Old 08-10-2011, 03:03 AM

Okay, then, what should I do?

She told me that it's gonna be an open relationship for the time being so it's not like she's gonna be exclusive or anything. I'm all for sticking up for myself, but I'm just not sure how to go about in doing that!

voenne
⊙ω⊙
3099.97
voenne is offline
 
#7
Old 08-10-2011, 03:10 AM

All you have to do is pull her aside and say, "I don't feel comfortable with you dating so-and-so. I don't want this to strain our relationship, but saying yes to dating this guy that you know I had feelings for, has really upset me." Just see how she reacts. If she's a true friend, she'll understand. If not, it might be a good idea to just walk away and let them both go.

Also, I don't feel as if telling you that it's an "open relationship" saves her cause.

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#8
Old 08-10-2011, 03:21 AM

Hmm. I'll think about it....

There are two different courses I can take either. I can either (1) follow everyone's advice and tell her it's upsetting me, or (2) lie and tell everyone I'm completely over him, so's to save my friendships with both of them AND to hopefully convince myself, as well.

voenne
⊙ω⊙
3099.97
voenne is offline
 
#9
Old 08-10-2011, 03:28 AM

Speaking from experience, option 2 never really works out. By saying how you feel, you're not starting a confrontation. If she turns it into a confrontation, however, just walk away.

Then again, if you wait it out and you start to notice her ditching you for him, there's not really much of a friendship to save to begin with... :/

We can't tell you what to do, but I just don't want to see you bottling all this up (which tends to make things worse...)

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#10
Old 08-10-2011, 04:03 AM

Yes. :/ Well, I will make it known to her that it's upset me, but I'll just try not to do so in a confrontational way..

ElysiumFate
There is beauty everywhere.
8328.14
ElysiumFate is offline
 
#11
Old 08-10-2011, 04:12 AM

Ah, man. That's a hard situation to be in (telling somebody something they don't want to hear in a non-confrontational manner), so I wish you all the best.

But, definitely, do as Voenne said and don't lie to yourself. You will hate yourself for it later. Life's too short for regrets and hating yourself.

Vix Viral
┌(・。・...
12427.98
Send a message via AIM to Vix Viral Send a message via MSN to Vix Viral
Vix Viral is offline
 
#12
Old 08-10-2011, 04:56 AM

I don't have much respect for people who can't accept the fact that their friends are free to date whomever they please. I understand that you're hurt but get over it. There will be plenty more men in your life. You said he only sees you as a sister and he's clearly not interested in you. You're not going to accomplish anything by moping about it. Get out there and meet someone new.

Strange Fruit
(-.-)zzZ
71.46
Strange Fruit is offline
 
#13
Old 08-10-2011, 05:33 AM

I wouldn't do that to a friend.
Even if it was a little crush that didn't really mean anything, I wouldn't do it...

Lost in Austen
(。⌒∇⌒)&...
1280.20
Lost in Austen is offline
 
#14
Old 08-10-2011, 12:26 PM

Vix: Okay, that was harsh, but thank you for your input. The reason I posted this thread was so that I could glean from differing opinions and see both sides of the story. I don't really want to write this two out of my life completely (they're 2 out of my 3 best friends) so I'm trying to see things from their perspective. However, the fact remains that there is some sort of unspoken girl-rule that you don't date your bestie's crush, because ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses, and all that jazz. My friend has been forever oblivious to those sort of rules, be it for better or for ill. *shrugs*

My initial reaction is just to avoid both of them like the plague until I can wrap my head around this whole situation and decide just how to respond. But I have a tendency to put things off....

NeuzaKC
Stan.
2632.27
NeuzaKC is offline
 
#15
Old 08-10-2011, 01:37 PM

Vix is right. I understand the whole "girl code" thing but I have to say I don't agree with it. For all the three of you know, maybe your friend and your crush are totally right for each other and will end up together for keeps. Are you truly expecting her to not date the man of her dreams because you have a "crush" on him? That is more selfish that your friend dating someone you like. And, you know, she doesn't need to ask your permission to date anyone. It's a free country. I'm not saying it's not hurting you, but you said so yourself: you don't have a chance because he thinks of you as a sister. Sorry, but, move along.

Nekochan5345
I ate Jesus, he tasted like stai...
930.35
Nekochan5345 is offline
 
#16
Old 08-10-2011, 01:46 PM

I have to say, i actually agree with Vix.
Number one, from your story, he asked her out. She didn't go deliberately behind your back and out of her way to "steal him from you." Hes involved here too. Yes, she knew you liked him, but I'm going to guess that she ether knew beforehand or figured out that he wans't interested in you the second he asked her out. And, if your friend (im going to call her Stacy) was breaking "girl code", if your places were flip flopped, would you really have stopped in the middle of him asking you out and been, "This is so romantic...Hold on a sec, i have to ask Stacy if its ok for me to make out with you"?
That's a little silly to me.
It just seems like your over reacting to someone saying "yes".
Secondly, if he told you that he wasn't interested in you, well, he wasn't interested in you. Chances are that that wasn't going to change. There's no real reason that you should hold your friend back just because you have feelings for him that, chances are, wont really be returned, when she has a chance at an actual relationship.
My personal stance is just to let it be.
I was in a similar situation a few months back. Trust me, you'll get over it, just give yourself time to breath a little.

Quote:
ovaries before brovaries, uteruses before duderuses
HAHAHAH thats amazing! i love you! XD

Last edited by Nekochan5345; 08-10-2011 at 01:50 PM..

Maria-Minamino
Musician
95237.02
Maria-Minamino is offline
 
#17
Old 08-10-2011, 02:08 PM

I had that happen to me my senior year of high school. My friend was asked out by the guy I had a crush on. (A little background - I'd known the guy since elementary school...he used to be my brothers best friend. Eventually we became best friends. The girl I'd known since middle school and was part of my close group of friends. We always hung out together especially that year. The three of us would go to football games, fairs, etc, together. The guy asked me to homecoming that year. We had a very fun time together. 1 month later he asked her out).

People used to ask her if she liked him as well and she always said no...but when he asked her out she told him she had liked him for a long time and would go out with him. She came over and asked for my permission first though which was nice and I gave it to her...who am I to get in the way of my friend's happiness? They dated about 10 months...broke up. She thought he cheated on her with me which was not true. Despite the fact that they were dating they were both still two of my best friends. I wasn't going to stop hanging out with them because they were dating. It just became awkward to do so with BOTH of them there - I was the obvious third wheel. So I would hang out with her and then I would hang out with him. Totally and completely innocent.

But we didn't talk for a couple years after that. 2 months after they broke up, he asked ME out. And I said yes, I'd give it a try. My friendship with the girl was never the same. He kind of broke us apart. It was a little more difficult because I was going to college and he was still going to live at home. Anyway, the guy and I dated for 7 months and he broke up with me and a week later was going with someone else. (1 WEEK!? That one week time really DOES make me think he cheated on me while I was away at school).

I should have learned from him dating my friend that he doesn't like to stay put for too long. But I learned the hard way. Never again will I let a guy break a friendship up.

What I'm trying to say - it sucks but don't hurt your friend. Maybe she had a crush on him for a long time and just didn't tell you because she knew it would upset you. Maybe they won't work out...it's still an open relationship so it's not serious yet. Or maybe it will work out and they will get married and have kids and grow old and die together. It sucks that you happen to like him, it really does....but don't let it hurt your friendship! I'm just warning you!

Last edited by Maria-Minamino; 08-10-2011 at 02:18 PM..

Amelia
(◎_◎;)
6799.71
Amelia is offline
 
#18
Old 08-10-2011, 04:07 PM

This happened to me about five years ago, but I guess I was your friend in the situation. A guy we were both friends with asked me out, and I said yes for the heck of it. The twisted part was, I didn't know she liked him. She was always very private with those things, and I didn't realize until after him and I were dating and I could see the bits of jealousy slipping out until she eventually stopped talking to me altogether. When I finally realized it I felt horrible though, because I without a doubt would have chosen her feelings over his, and I was upset she never bothered confronting me about it. Especially since I didn't like the guy all that much.
Anyway, if I were you I suppose I would feel a bit betrayed. You have to see it this way though, are you willing to lose their friendships over this? Because if not, then you'll have to attempt to look past what they're doing and try and forgive them. I also think you should take your friends feelings into consideration. If she does like this boy a lot too, do you think it's fair for her to at least give it a try, especially when he's made it clear he's not interested in you like that?
Honestly I'd say just try to move on the best you can, there are plenty of guys in the world and you'll find someone else you're interested in before you know it. If you want to save the friendship, then you'll have to find a way to deal with it and move on. If you're too hurt by what she did, and you know there's no chance of repair, then there's no point in moping really. Just forget about her and make some new friends. Goodluck.

Last edited by Amelia; 08-10-2011 at 04:10 PM..

lightkanna
(っ◕‿◕)&...
494.31
lightkanna is offline
 
#19
Old 08-11-2011, 05:18 PM

No, your feelings are your own. You can feel whatever you feel and it should or shouldn't matter to anyone but yourself. I wouldn't date my friend crush. I knew her one crush and I dislike him. He's a complete douche and I'm glad she got over him. He did something bad to a girl and didn't apologize and cause her trauma. Nobody knows but a few and I never heard of it, he's sick and disgusting and yet he still walks around this earth. Anyways, I just wouldn't. My friend knows I am crushing on someone and she thinks he's quite rude and a pervert. But she always gives me her opinion and I love that about her. ^^ She would never want to date him, she'll know it hurt me because she just knows. o.o;

Ashlyn Mae
⊙ω⊙
4705.12
Ashlyn Mae is offline
 
#20
Old 08-11-2011, 06:04 PM

I agree with Vix. Life is too short for you to worry over one person who doesn't share the same feelings for you as you do to him. There will be plenty of other guys out there that will return your feelings, perhaps you should view this as an advantage. Your friend may just be happy with him and you'll see that perhaps the two of you weren't meant to be together.

KidK Mirai
*^_^*
21517.18
KidK Mirai is offline
 
#21
Old 08-11-2011, 06:49 PM

I would definitely be upset at first, but I also agree with the others who are saying that it's something you can and should get past. I do understand that it feels like a betrayal, but, if you weren't actually dating this person or even moving toward doing so, then your friend was free to say yes to him. Now, if she or they throw it in your face a lot and make fun of you over it or something, then it's definitely time to be mad, because that's rude no matter what. But from what you're saying you're friends with both of them, and it's probably time to just let this guy go from your romantic thoughts and be his friend, and wish the two of them well. It might turn out to be a good experience--just think, you might find another even more awesome guy out there!

Monte Gray
(っ◕‿◕)&...
-4.48
Monte Gray is offline
 
#22
Old 08-11-2011, 07:48 PM

*hugs* poor dear. Your friend is not very loyal is she?

Himalia
\ (•◡•) /
Banned
14532.15
Himalia is offline
 
#23
Old 08-20-2011, 02:05 PM

Yikes, I'm sorry. :[

This was actually a pretty hard decision for me to make, I've had a crush on someone that my ex-best friend liked before (actually happened to be my current boyfriend's little brother... D:) but I never let them know because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I also had to think about how angry I got when my crush (different one than aforementioned) asked out one of my best friends on my birthday.

I guess to me it's sort of an unwritten rule of friendship, you don't go too close your your friend's exes, crushes or current significant others.

Dystopia
Bitter-Bitter
1512.25
Dystopia is offline
 
#24
Old 08-21-2011, 01:31 AM

I have as much of a right as my best friend to pursue my love and happiness. If a man and I may be able to make each other happy, then its a chance that I want to take. If my best friend can blame me for following my feelings and be selfish enough to expect me to sacrifice that for her, then its a shame to end that best-friendship, but I'm not going to allow another person to dictate whom I can and cannot share my life with.

Mystic
(ο・㉨・&...
487.28
Mystic is offline
 
#25
Old 08-21-2011, 10:12 PM

Sorry, but who your friend dates is really none of your business. He's not interested in you so why can't she date him? I honestly see nothing wrong with dating someone you like. However, if she's doing it just because she knows you like him then she's being kind of a jerk. If she honestly likes him then there's nothing wrong with it and you shouldn't be mad at her over it.

I know it might seem horrible right now but things will work out for the best. Also, if it's an open relationship chances are it's not very serious to begin with so you're most likely better off not even going there. I mean there are relationships that do work off of being open but most of the time it's nothing major enough to get upset over.

You might also want to sit down for a few minutes and ask yourself why you like him in the first place and really think about why and if it's really worth getting all worked up over. Most of the time it's really not work being mad over.

Last edited by Mystic; 08-21-2011 at 10:14 PM..

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

 
Forum Jump

no new posts