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Shadow4121
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#1
Old 01-26-2012, 02:45 PM

I'm writing a story called "Chaos". You can read it here Testrific - Stories - Chaos by 634Shadow634 constructive criticism is allowed. I'm still working on it, but it would be helpful if you all pointed out things I may have missed. For example... not describing a character enough. or too much description on other things, and not the main character...
Anyway.. please read it, and tell me what you think.

Sizzla
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#2
Old 01-26-2012, 03:07 PM

Hi Shadow4121:
:D Since you're looking for feedback on a story you've written, I'm going to move this over to Lit Spot in the Writing Discussion/Story help subforum so you can get more helpful feedback. The Books forum is more to discuss books, not your own writing. :yes:

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions. :D

Shadami
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#3
Old 01-26-2012, 08:52 PM

I've got a couple things I'd like to point out, some suggestions, others what I think is a mistake. But than, my grammar isn't perfect, it just seems slightly off to me.

First:
Quote:
A small gust of wind blew, knocking his hood back, and revealing his bald head. Black veins webbed across his head, and his pale skin nearly glowed in the moonlight.
Very descriptive, even though its simple. My only point here is that you might want to use a different word for the second head. Perhaps crown. The flow you have going in that entire paragraph is rather cut off at the second head. At least for me.

Second:
Quote:
The Horde let out a sinister laughter, and tossed the sword from hand to hand, taunting me. I knew I needed to wait for him to make the first move, so I watched him closely. Moments passed, the only sound was the wind blowing, and the occasional shuffling of feet as we adjusted our stance, waiting for the right moment.
That first sentence is what gets me here. Either something needs to be added, perhaps a "bout of sinister laughter" or change laughter to laugh. Possibly with the addition of "while tossing" . I think it may be tenses that are messing with me here.

Quote:
He turned his head to face me, blinked, and that was it. His breathing stopped. I watched as his eyes unfocused, and his chest stopped rising and falling. I reached over to close his eyes, and cross his arms over his chest. Eventually someone would find him, and bury him.
Same with this. I think your tenses switch every once in awhile, but over all it's a good story, and very exciting.

 


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