Thread Tools

Stress
Emotion Imitator
353.42
Stress is offline
 
#1
Old 03-21-2011, 03:43 AM

I recently wrote this sort of short introduction into my story. Not so much a prologue as just a little preview. I have no idea what to call it.

I just want your opinions on it.

Basically this guy has gone insane, and killed people before "contemplating".

Um, read please? (P.S Rebecca is someone he hurt but let live)

----------

Have you ever contemplated?

Just sat on your bed, and thought long and hard about what you want to do with yourself – to yourself?

(Yes, do it. Do it now. Do it now, now now now NOW!)

Have you ever thought of how a knife would feel scrapping down your inner-arm?

(Remember, it’s down the river, never across.)


Ever toyed with the fact you might be insane?

(You screamed, but no one helped you. You screamed and you screamed and you SCREAMED-)

I have.

That’s why I’m here now, lying on my bed drenched in blood that was only partially mine, holding up the blade that was still letting fall fat red droplets.

(Its dripping and it’s staining the carpet – oh what would mother say if she saw? The stain. The Stain. It’s staining the carpet!)

Wondering if it would feel cold. If it would be painful.

(Couldn’t hurt anymore if you tried.)

If I would suffer like them.

Like those who deserved it.

(They deserved it. They just watched, and they knew. They knew and they watched and they knew but THEY DIDN’T STOP-)

I’m thinking about how I got here –

(What happens to me after?)

- How many things could’ve been changed to prevent this –

(Will I see my Mommy?)

- And I arrive to the conclusion that –

(Will she see what I’ve done? Will she be proud?)

- Sometimes people are born to be hurt by others.

(Does she know that this was all for her?)

So I lie here to gather courage, to help speed the process of returning the two things I have taken away.

(Do you, Mommy?)

Peace and Normalcy.

(Mommy?)



I just hope Rebecca can cope.

Last edited by Stress; 03-21-2011 at 03:47 AM..

Miss_Muffinz13x
(-.-)zzZ
380.55
Miss_Muffinz13x is offline
 
#2
Old 07-18-2011, 08:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stress View Post
I recently wrote this sort of short introduction into my story. Not so much a prologue as just a little preview. I have no idea what to call it.

I just want your opinions on it.

Basically this guy has gone insane, and killed people before "contemplating".

Um, read please? (P.S Rebecca is someone he hurt but let live)

----------

Have you ever contemplated?

Just sat on your bed, and thought long and hard about what you want to do with yourself – to yourself?

(Yes, do it. Do it now. Do it now, now now now NOW!)

Have you ever thought of how a knife would feel scrapping down your inner-arm?

(Remember, it’s down the river, never across.)


Ever toyed with the fact you might be insane?

(You screamed, but no one helped you. You screamed and you screamed and you SCREAMED-)

I have.

That’s why I’m here now, lying on my bed drenched in blood that was only partially mine, holding up the blade that was still letting fall fat red droplets.

(Its dripping and it’s staining the carpet – oh what would mother say if she saw? The stain. The Stain. It’s staining the carpet!)

Wondering if it would feel cold. If it would be painful.

(Couldn’t hurt anymore if you tried.)

If I would suffer like them.

Like those who deserved it.

(They deserved it. They just watched, and they knew. They knew and they watched and they knew but THEY DIDN’T STOP-)

I’m thinking about how I got here –

(What happens to me after?)

- How many things could’ve been changed to prevent this –

(Will I see my Mommy?)

- And I arrive to the conclusion that –

(Will she see what I’ve done? Will she be proud?)

- Sometimes people are born to be hurt by others.

(Does she know that this was all for her?)

So I lie here to gather courage, to help speed the process of returning the two things I have taken away.

(Do you, Mommy?)

Peace and Normalcy.

(Mommy?)



I just hope Rebecca can cope.
lovely :3

Beliar
*^_^*
981.58
Beliar is offline
 
#3
Old 07-20-2011, 07:53 PM

This is really different, but its different in a good way. You did a good job on bringing the character to life and giving him a distinct voice. I can't think of any ways to improve it either. =3

Hikari_namikaze
⊙ω⊙
221.78
Hikari_namikaze is offline
 
#4
Old 07-21-2011, 11:15 AM

I really like it. It's... unique, in a lovely way.

Superstition
\ (•◡•) /
988.74
Superstition is offline
 
#5
Old 02-11-2012, 05:09 AM

Very good. It makes your heart twist, as if you were the character, feeling and thinking these things.

Cardinal Biggles
Patron Saint of Pigeons🌙

Moderator
38001.67
Send a message via Yahoo to Cardinal Biggles
Cardinal Biggles is offline
 
#6
Old 02-16-2012, 03:51 AM

I'm going to lock this thread, the OP hasn't been on in some time...

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Forum Jump

no new posts