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Alice06
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#1
Old 06-15-2012, 07:34 AM

Shinda
(A Zombie's Tale)


Introduction

It really sucks eating flesh. No really it does, just in case you thought otherwise. Seriously you may think 'the fatter ones have the most meat' and all, but they taste like crap. The reason why they're fat is because of the food they eat. I don't really like the taste of fat.

Anyway, if you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm what you humans call a, 'Zombie'. I like the sound of it, there aren't many well known words starting with the letter 'Z' ya know? So I feel special in a weird way. But if you must know my 'real' name and what others of my species call me, it's Void. Sounds how it's spelled.

So you're probably thinking 'so....Get to the point already! Why have you gotten my attention for!? Gosh...' Well, the reason is, simply because I thought you might be interested in us Zombies and how hard it is to get away with eating you humans. You should be fat dammit! Then we wouldn't eat you. Oh wait, but then we'd be desperate and start eating the fat people too. Okay never mind, continue on with your healthy lives and all.

Ahem, anyway. This story isn't just about me, it's about a few of you guys too. As much as I want to eat you all, sometimes, I have no choice, but not to...


Chapter 1

"Smells like crap..." Yeah I really didn't like the smell of the city. Especially the one I was roaming right now. "I better get something good out of this," I tend to complain a lot, most people I know get use to it. But surely, anyone would complain about the city, especially this one. "Could they make the lights any brighter?" I whispered to myself. Mainly I complained about the lights was because I didn't want to get caught.
I made my way behind an alley way brick wall, carefully so that my victims could not hear my footsteps or be prepared for what awaited them. I was almost pro at this sneaking around stuff, I had been doing it since I was twelve.
"Did you hear that?"
"Huh? No what are you talking about?" My heart skipped a beat, I swear I did not make a sound! How could they have heard me? And more importantly, how come I didn't hear it?
"Someone's following us..." I gulped, covering my mouth with my now sweaty hands to even silence my breathing.
"You positive? I heard nothing." Yes listen to the idiot, please, for the love of god.
"Show yourself!" Okay plan B, act like a city person. A bum or um. A hooker! I looked down at the ground and noticed a glass bottle of beer with a bit of its disgusting alcohol in it. I grabbed it, unbuttoned my shirt and pulled my pants down a bit like those idiots who think they're black and can rap and all. I began swinging my arms back and forth.

"T-Ten BUCKS for a night! Mmmkay sweet cheeks? Hick!" They pulled the most odd facial expressions. "W-What? Can't seem't keep ya eyes off me!" I began swooning around them, acting all ecstatic to see the damn ugly men.

"You may be an attractive drunk, hooker, but I'm not ga-" The guy next to him nudged him hard, the one who told me to come out. Guess it was because he wasn't acting all 'serious'. "Ow! Why'd you do that for?" He was acting more stranger though, and that angry expression on his face seemed to turn to a more sinister facial expression.
"You smell good...." He said, smirking at me before sniffing the air, "why don't you stop the act thief?" What the hell! How did he know I was going to pickpocket him? How did he know I was there? Wait what? I smell good?! The expression on my face was total shock, but I still tried to keep up the act.

"D..Do you want ta' spend a night with me or not? Hick!" I was going to say more but the damn smart one grasped my wrist pretty damn tight, and slammed my arm taking me with it against the hard brick wall. I gasped and damn that hurt! My whole body seemed to be quivering out of fear. Usually I'm not scared of anyone, but something about this freak seemed off. Plus pick-pocketing was much easier.
I fell silent. Slowly my eyes traveled up to his. My eyes widened. What I saw was not human! I want to get out of this situation and fast. I'll never steal again! I wish I could say all this out loud but each time my mouth opened to speak, nothing but sounds of trauma were heard. His idiot friend did nothing but smile, as if this was normal to him?


Just testing out this new idea and seeing if I can write a chapter even if it seems short or is short. Haven't written a story in a while. Might continue it. So criticism is welcome and wanted please and thank you. (:

Last edited by Alice06; 06-15-2012 at 07:40 PM..

Kriemedesan
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#2
Old 06-22-2012, 05:50 PM

Maybe I'm just too new to have come across an introduction yet, but is that like the summary on the backs of novels, a blurb?

I'm still trying to learn first person better and I think you did a great job introducing a complainer who acknowledges that she is such to others and their reaction, before justifying that habit.

However, flow is one of my main bothers; probably because I tend to ramble. Anyway, I feel like it might have went over smoother with just a switching of these sentences.

Quote:
I really didn't like the smell of this city. Especially the one I was roaming right now (then). "Smells like crap. I better get something good out of this... Could they make the lights any brighter?" I whispered to myself. Yeah, I tend to complain a lot; most people I know get use to it. But surely, anyone would complain about the city, especially this one. Mainly I complained about the lights (was) because I didn't want to get caught.
I am not too familiar with first person, though I would love to be, but, in keeping with the past tense, perhaps "now" should be "then". I put a period at the end of her first complaint so it was a brief pause before her next statement, as like a lead in for explaining it. After the second statement, using your ellipsis to creates a longer pause to show off the last part of her speech as like an emphatic note on how she likes to complain. "Yeah" was moved right after that ends to affirm the reader's thoughts on that particular note, while restating their thoughts. Coming back to why she was coming about the lights transitions it to your next paragraph and her intentions.

Also, I think her reaction time to this first man's question was delayed by the second man's response, which seems too much to me. (I know it is something minor, but I like flow and if it does not help then ignore me.) You know how people say that sometimes reading can be tedious to others because it forces them to slow down their thoughts, versus listening to someone talking; that is what I mean: her internal reaction time. Additionally, it might help with the feel of making everything seem curt and high-energy intensity--which first person is perfect for, so good choice--if her responses are separate from theirs in this. It's really a preference thing, so that technique may not work everywhere. For instance, if they were in a direct back and forth, like fighting, I would not suggest it, unless it helps give an essence of speed.

Quote:
"Did you hear that?"
My heart skipped a beat, I swear I did not make a sound! How could they have heard me? And more importantly, how come I didn't hear it?
"Huh? No, (what are you talking about)?" (Maybe something here like, "No, what did you hear?" or "No, what did it sound like?")
"...Someone's following us."
I gulped, covering my mouth with my now sweaty hands to even silence my breathing. (Perhaps some action here like a sound of what they are doing, like her hearing his scuffling feet as he shifts around or something.)
"You positive? I heard nothing."
Yes listen to the idiot, please, for the love of go--"Show yourself!"
Okay plan B, act like a city person. A bum or um. A hooker! I looked down at the ground and noticed a glass bottle of beer with a bit of its disgusting alcohol in it. I grabbed it, unbuttoned my shirt and pulled my pants down a bit like those idiots who think they're black and can rap and all. I began swinging my arms back and forth.
The cut-off of her thoughts might show how the world does not work at her pace and shows a direct interaction.

Reaction time again, but on man's response to being nudged. If it was just switched with the sentence before it, then it feels like a quicker reaction from him. Plus, it makes your character answer his gripe in her thoughts just after.

Quote:
"You may be an attractive drunk, hooker, but I'm not ga--" The guy next to him nudged him hard, the one who told me to come out. "Ow! Why'd you do that for?" Guess it was because he wasn't acting all 'serious'. He was acting (more The (words) like that mean that they should not grammatically be there, but, if that is how this person thinks, then really it is just another layer of personality, so removal is up to you) stranger though, and that angry expression on his face seemed to turn to a more sinister facial expression.
He sniffed the air and then smirked at me, "You smell good... Why don't you stop the act, thief?"
What the hell! How did he know I was going to pickpocket him? How did he know I was there? Wait what? I smell good?! The expression on my face was total shock, but I still tried to keep up the act. "D-do you want ta' spend a night with me or not? Hick!"
I would have said more but the damn smart one grasped my wrist pretty damn tight, and slammed my arm taking me with it against the hard brick wall. I gasped and damn that hurt! My whole body seemed to be quivering out of fear. Usually I'm not scared of anyone, but something about this freak seemed off. Plus pick-pocketing was much easier.
I fell silent. Slowly my eyes traveled up to his. My eyes widened. What I saw was not human! I want to get out of this situation and fast. I'll never steal again! I wish I could say all this out loud but each time my mouth opened to speak, nothing but sounds of trauma were heard. His idiot friend did nothing but smile, as if this was normal to him?

Really my only complaint afterall was flow. Grammar is up to your female lead here. I am sorry that this appeared to be long, but really it is next to nothing. Most people do not even consider flow, so you're good.

Might want to move it to http://www.menewsha.com/forum/art/li...on-story-help/
Quote:
Writing Discussion/Story Help
Need help with your story? Want someone to discuss with on how to improve your story? Need feedback on your latest character design? Or need a place to discuss anything to do with writing from ways to get out of writers block and more.

Last edited by Kriemedesan; 06-22-2012 at 05:55 PM..

Alice06
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#3
Old 11-18-2012, 12:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriemedesan View Post
Maybe I'm just too new to have come across an introduction yet, but is that like the summary on the backs of novels, a blurb?

I'm still trying to learn first person better and I think you did a great job introducing a complainer who acknowledges that she is such to others and their reaction, before justifying that habit.

However, flow is one of my main bothers; probably because I tend to ramble. Anyway, I feel like it might have went over smoother with just a switching of these sentences.



I am not too familiar with first person, though I would love to be, but, in keeping with the past tense, perhaps "now" should be "then". I put a period at the end of her first complaint so it was a brief pause before her next statement, as like a lead in for explaining it. After the second statement, using your ellipsis to creates a longer pause to show off the last part of her speech as like an emphatic note on how she likes to complain. "Yeah" was moved right after that ends to affirm the reader's thoughts on that particular note, while restating their thoughts. Coming back to why she was coming about the lights transitions it to your next paragraph and her intentions.

Also, I think her reaction time to this first man's question was delayed by the second man's response, which seems too much to me. (I know it is something minor, but I like flow and if it does not help then ignore me.) You know how people say that sometimes reading can be tedious to others because it forces them to slow down their thoughts, versus listening to someone talking; that is what I mean: her internal reaction time. Additionally, it might help with the feel of making everything seem curt and high-energy intensity--which first person is perfect for, so good choice--if her responses are separate from theirs in this. It's really a preference thing, so that technique may not work everywhere. For instance, if they were in a direct back and forth, like fighting, I would not suggest it, unless it helps give an essence of speed.



The cut-off of her thoughts might show how the world does not work at her pace and shows a direct interaction.

Reaction time again, but on man's response to being nudged. If it was just switched with the sentence before it, then it feels like a quicker reaction from him. Plus, it makes your character answer his gripe in her thoughts just after.




Really my only complaint afterall was flow. Grammar is up to your female lead here. I am sorry that this appeared to be long, but really it is next to nothing. Most people do not even consider flow, so you're good.

Might want to move it to Writing Discussion/Story Help - Menewsha
Ah thank you so much! I had been waiting for someone to actually give GOOD critisism for once. Yeah this is my first time starting to write a story in first person. This is probably my first serious story actually.
I've always had trouble with using really good destriptive words.
I love long, nice sounding words that people actually know the meaning of.
But I can never think of any. D:
I would be grateful if you could help me with that too, and my spelling. ^^"

I always got confused with how people spoke in stories too, like how you would write it out.

But yeah! I'm going to change the suggested words you had mentioned soon. : )
Thank you so much~

Also, the character is a male. XD
And the Introduction, I'm not sure what that is haha.
I don't know if you've read Maximum Ride, the first book, it was a little intro on one page, then on the next the story actually begins. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you so much again!

 


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