My relationship with my boo hasn't been a bed of roses...

Anyway, I am starting to think I could be asexual or something... Because I don't feel that sex is a need. It isn't because I was raised with a religious moral value to wait till marriage. I do believe in that, although I am afraid about having relations...

Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to males... I just might not be attracted to what's in the pants but how they identify as a gender.

I don't even know anymore... I'm too old to be confused like this now. I should have sorted this out in my teens.

I don't want any harmful advice or trolling, please. This is the only place I trust online. I have no one else I can go to. No one else that'll understand. Even my boo is like, "what the ****"

On top of that, my health is declining, I already mentioned my relationship is going downhill, I want my boo to spend adequate time with me, and I just want happiness... I'm asking for too much apparently...

Edit: Reading my other posts here might help you understand more.

I don't even know anymore... (yeah, Lizzy has issues too you know)
I don't even know anymore... (yeah, Lizzy has issues too you know)
I don't even know anymore... (yeah, Lizzy has issues too you know)

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, Lizzy. :( My gut reaction though is that the decline of sex drive is correlated with your health? I know I went through a bout of horrid depression the past couple of months with hating my job, struggling financially and my husband and I working two different shifts. Sex was definitely the furthest thing from my mind.

Originally Posted by Izumi

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, Lizzy. :( My gut reaction though is that the decline of sex drive is correlated with your health? I know I went through a bout of horrid depression the past couple of months with hating my job, struggling financially and my husband and I working two different shifts. Sex was definitely the furthest thing from my mind.

I forgot to mention, I'm still a virgin... eep... :-/

I wouldn't even know if it's related to my health. It has been a decline, sleep has been horrible and then some...

Well stress and health issues can cause lack of sex drive for sure. I guess my concern is that the existence of one or both is masking your desire, but you're attributing it to a permanent change in yourself.

Speaking from my own situation, which isn't a hundred miles from your own health/relationship/life position wise, it does effect on how i view my other half, and as a consequence how often i want to do the dance, so to speak. I'd say try talking to him, getting him to be as honest as he can be about whether you both see the relationship moving past this stagnant point, and perhaps talking to him about how you feel might spark something off that'll help you understand your confusion a bit better. That seems to help for me...Like your other half, mine is a bit dismissive and finds things hard to understand so i really have to break complicated emotions and feelings down for him, which isn't the easiest thing it the world, but it helps us move forward.

Before i had sex i know i felt pretty much apathetic about it all. I liked people, i didn't really understand the emphasis people put on the procreation parts of a relationship, and i hear this is a pretty common thing so i wouldn't worry too much on that account. Take the time to figure yourself out, you don't have to please other people at your own cost. It might well be a case of trying in order to be sure, as it was for me, but that's still something to do in your own time, in a relationship you feel comfy with.

I hope you feel better soon!

((sorry, i posted before i read resolved, i'm silly!))

That's okay, Sun. :3 I shouldn't mad marked it resolved right away. Thanks for your input though. ^_^;

@ Izumi- Thanks for your advice as well.

You're welcome, Lizzy. I hope it helped a little. Well put some perspective on it.

If you want to talk out some of the other things going on right now, I'm all ears.

Asexuality is not being able to experience sexual attraction to people. If you are able to feel that overall, not necessarily a specific interest in their genitals, then that doesn't really fit the standard definition of asexuality. It's not that they "don't want to have sex", it's more that there's no one that they feel they want to do it with*. Those some asexuals also find the concept of sex unappealing as well. There is a spectrum of sexuality. For instance, some people are 'grey' meaning they frequently don't experience sexual attraction or impulse, but sometimes do, other people identify as demisexual, meaning that they only experience sexual attraction after forming a bond with someone. If you want to talk to those that are informed, and won't judge, and in an anonymous setting, you can try tumblr - just quickly plugging things into google, I came up with these:
Asexuality
Asexual Advice

*the exception to this would be the romanitic asexuals, who experience romantic, not sexual attraction to people. Some of these enjoy engaging in sex with their partners, for romantic reasons.

If you're still sorting this out, I think you were quick to mark it resolved. It just means that some people may decide to not read and comment. I'll try to talk to you when we can both have time and focus...

Biggles did point at the difference between being celibate and asexual. There's also the in between (or as Biggles called it "romantic asexual"). I'm not exactly "romantic" but I enjoy cuddling, intellectual exchange, trust exchange, but honestly I get _frightened_ when clothes start to come off.

Also, any dreams I have where things might be "sexual" are down right horrifying nightmares. In my psyche, it is just seen as a bad, bad, thing.

Over the years I've at least tried to come to terms with the fact that for some (most) people it is normal, healthy, and seen as a 'good thing'.

Lizzy, I noticed you marked this as resolved, but I thought I'd comment from my perspective. As a 27 year old who has never even dated or been in a long term romantic relationship, I can understand that you'd want your boo for companionship and for you two to have a happy and healthy relationship. Wanting that from him is not too much, in my opinion. To me, that seems to be an important reason for committing to a consensual relationship of that sort.

I hope things work out for you Lizzy.

Thanks everyone. I decided to unmark it resolved (if that's allowed). Since things aren't really getting better but they're not getting "worse" per se.

I thank y'all for the advice you've given me so far. I sense he cares more about hanging with his buddies than he does about me, he cares more about his hobbies than me. He doesn't make time for me at all and I have to be the flexible one. I feel like I've been used.

On top of that, he tried to rush sex too soon. Good thing he backed out of it after a bit, now I am traumatized due to that.

All I wanted is what you said, Ling, but I guess I screwed it up with my emotions and depression too. Then blacking out on him from time to time.

From what I read, I might not be asexual in a sense but more of a demi or grey. Since I hadn't done it before.

I don't even care if he finds this one day. I'm just that sad/upset. At least I am stable, that's a good thing. He really hurt me, making me feel unwanted and not worth anything. Yet I have treated him well. humph!

Both pushing the physical and putting you second (or third) shows that he's prioritizing his own wants in this relationship and not reading or respecting you above the minimum. I don't like such an attitude :/

I'm with Biggles on that. You shouldn't feel forced into doing something you're not comfortable in. I, personally, would have some stern words with my partner at that point to let them clearly know that that specifically is not cool and won't be tolerated.

The fact that he has tried to pressure you into sex while at the same time not placing importance in your relationship is concerning.

I don't think becoming emotional and depressed is your fault. It is normal for people to get emotional and with that sometimes have depression, so don't blame yourself for having human feelings. If by depression, you're referring to clinical medically diagnosed depression, then even more so. Depression is an illness, and is not something you chose to have, because no one likes that feeling.

I think it's also important to realize where the source of your depression is coming from, and try to work on ways to try and overcome it. Trust me...This is very difficult for me as I have suffered from long term depression for a very long time. In fact I can't think of a period in my life where I haven't been effected by depression in some form. If it is strictly situational, for instance a major change in your life like the death of a loved one or perhaps a really rough patch in your life, that is very much normal and a valid response to said event in life. If you are feeling depressed for long periods of time (whether or not it is a major event), or struggle to find a root cause of your depression (dysthimia(sp?) - what I was once diagnosed with...the 'eeyore effect') I do want to encourage that you reach out for help specifically to address the depression itself.

I'm on the fence on medication to treat depression. It works wonders for short term depression, and some people find they have to be on it long term. There's more that can be done, and perhaps some counselling or cognitive behavioral therapy would work really well for you too. (I've been personally trying to read up on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Thinking) online, as well watch youtube videos on it just for some self help...at the moment I'm uninsured and it would cost a fortune to actually go in and be seen....I still want to be proactive about it.

Yeah. It's really wreaking havoc on the relationship. Sometimes my depression is really bad at times. I do take meds, it's just the situation I've been in lately. I don't know how else to feel but hopeless some of the time. Then I have been passing out/blacking out on him from time to time. I even passed out in an elevator once. I have been in the process of getting some medical work up done to find out why.


He either works at his dead end job and is too tired to spend time with me, or he chooses to spend time with his friends. I 'understand' spending time with your family is important, but still where do I fit in? I feel unwelcomed by his fam. Even though he says they aren't unwelcoming to me otherwise. Maybe it's cultural. I don't speak Spanish very well or if at all. My family has been very hospitable towards him. Shoot, we have been so nice to him.

My 'friend' said he'll break my heart and be prepared for it. While another friend told me, his past is his past, he changed just for me. Sigh... As I said before I don't care if he joins Menewsha and finds this thread.

Izumi, your advice has been useful about the CBT. I don't know if I still have a counselor or not. If not, I'll have to look to see which ones I can see.

I'm glad I could help. I know how difficult depression can be to live with, and I'm unfortunately a very emotionally charged individual. It doesn't take much for me to really feel either end of the emotional spectrum. I almost wonder if I've not got a mild form of bipolar depression. I know my grandmother suffers from it...Not that I believe it's hereditary.

If you'd like to talk about your situation more, I'm all ears. I know it helps me tremendously to talk things out. Lord knows how many times I've gone to Chi's trades thread to let go of all of my stress. I'm trying to ease up a bit on dumping it on her as I know that it kind of takes its toll on people.

That's what I'm wondering, too, is perhaps your boyfriend is feeling overwhelmed and uncertain on what to do when you're depressed? If he doesn't suffer from it himself it could be difficult for him to fully understand that aspect of you. I know my dad is not clinically depressed and has always been pretty happy go lucky, my mother on the other hand has suffered from anxiety and depression. With them my dad has learned how to really be adaptive and understanding with her, letting her have her space when she's having a rough bout or if she needs support he tries to do what he can. My husband is very the same with me, however he has suffered from very serious depression. My husband had gotten so depressed he nearly committed suicide. This is well before we met, but he's hit rock bottom and knows how it feels to be so depressed you don't want to get out of bed.

My husband's first marriage suffered greatly from his depression as his ex couldn't understand his depression. For what it's worth, my husband does make it sound like she really tried to do everything she could to try and help and it just wasn't working. There was a lot of other factors to why it just ultimately didn't work, but his depression definitely hurt it.

Originally Posted by LizzyCollinsDeArc

My relationship with my boo hasn't been a bed of roses...

Anyway, I am starting to think I could be asexual or something... Because I don't feel that sex is a need. It isn't because I was raised with a religious moral value to wait till marriage. I do believe in that, although I am afraid about having relations...

Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to males... I just might not be attracted to what's in the pants but how they identify as a gender.

I don't even know anymore... I'm too old to be confused like this now. I should have sorted this out in my teens.

I don't want any harmful advice or trolling, please. This is the only place I trust online. I have no one else I can go to. No one else that'll understand. Even my boo is like, "what the ****"

On top of that, my health is declining, I already mentioned my relationship is going downhill, I want my boo to spend adequate time with me, and I just want happiness... I'm asking for too much apparently...

Homie, the shit is just a penis. Seriously. It is JUST FUCKING SEX. First of all, sex is just that, It is sex. It is a bonding between two people who love each other. Should not be anymore.

As for the "in pants." I will say straight forward as a [heterosexual] male. It is just a penis. Seriously, that is all it is. It is a slab of meat with a mind of its own. Love and relationships should not be based on the size of a cock but the size of the heart of the one you are in love with. Period. End of discussion.

If you are having doubts about actual love in the relationship you should re-evaluate the relationship but, if you are concerned about the sex aspect, I will tell you right now. Hold strong to YOUR relgius beliefs. They are what make You, you. Anyone who asks you to change for them, does not love and accept you.

Edit: By the way, this is my view. I am not up for debate about it but I will discuss it via PM ^^; I am just not active too much anymore so I post where I can and disappear again ^^; So, no troll is meant. Most staff members and normal members will vouch I can be a troll but I can be serious. Here, I am being serious and I hope that you discover what YOU want in YOUR life with all of this. =)

I already explained he did try to rush me into sex but failed at it (in other posts in this thread). This was earlier in the relationship, now we're in our 8th month. I know I am "wrong" for making him wait. I don't even know anymore. My religious morals are "right" to me.

I'm already traumatized, since he tried to rush into things too early into the relationship.

No harm done, Bartuc. Thanks for the wake up call. It was just like whoa... Unexpected.

I know for certain I have overwhelmed my boyfriend with my depression and other issues. I it's the lack of friendship in real life I have. Everyone is too busy for me or have their own life. When I want to hang out, no one wants to be around me. When they want a favor, they USE ME! >_<; I better back away from the keyboard...

First off, stick with your guns about sex. It's a big thing, with big consequences and if you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't feel pressured to deliver just to make someone happy.

The other thing too, Lizzy, is do you not think that maybe your negative attitude could be pushing people away from you a bit? I mean I get the whole busy aspect. I get that a lot from my close friends, and it's true -- they've got a family to support, and a full time job so time is precious to begin with. Now if they also have very little time to begin with to spend with friends and family, don't you think they would want to spend it with those who are generally more optimistic and fun to be around? (I'm playing devil's advocate here -- trying to get you to see it from a different perspective...) I know that it's harder to motivate myself to go hang out with someone who is going to be in a bad mood and fixated on negative stuff. It's fair enough if its for the big stuff, but if you're just generally always in a mood people may subconsciously drifting away from that.

Hope it makes sense...

---------- Post added 09-14-2013 at 10:06 AM ----------

Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that you can't ever have those types of talks and friends aren't there to hear you out. There's just a time and place to have the serious talks. As I'm getting older I'm trying to bear in mind my friends are laden with their own sets of issues and they try to do the same for me. They will come to me when they need to talk it out, but it seems that we try not to just fixate on the shitty things in our life. We try to have a good time too. :3

i agree
sex is a big thing,
a precious thing.
and follow your heart, Lizzy.

how are you doing?
*hugs*

I'm feeling a bit better, things have settled down a bit for now. Sigh... I guess it's back to just studying and focusing on what I need to focus on. There's no point in moping around. :3

Exactly! :3

I know it's tough though, trust me. I've had quite the pile of stress on me lately too. Sometimes it's just taking it one day at a time, and find little things to be appreciative of.

taking it one day at a time is a good way to look at things
hummy gets overwhelmed when she worries about everything all at once
Lizzy you can talk with us and vent your worries, because we love you and want the best for you
*hugs*

Originally Posted by LizzyCollinsDeArc

I know I am "wrong" for making him wait.

No, no, no. You are in no way wrong for doing what is right for you. You will have sex when and if you want to, and you shouldn't a minute before then. If you decide you want to tomorrow, great, do it. If it's a year from now and you still don't want to, great, don't do it. It's your body and your choice, simple as that.

With regards to your sex drive (or lack thereof), it's important to keep in mind your current attitudes towards sex, as well as your depression, and more importantly, your medication. Most (or maybe all, I'm not sure) depression meds can completely kill libido, so it's totally normal to feel effectively asexual while on them. Depression itself can mess with libido, too. I'm not on any medication but some days I just feel like sex exists on a different plane than I do, it feels so far away from my mental capabilities. Other days I'm ripping my boyfriend's clothes off.

As for your attitude towards sex, it's clear that you're not comfortable with it. I'm not going to say you're not asexual because, hey, I'm a stranger on the internet, I don't know what's inside your head; that's yours to figure out. But I will say that it's totally normal for people who are squeamish about sex to just not be interested in it as a result. And I get where you're coming from, the world makes it very intimidating! You're told that it's so special and important while also being told that it's immoral and must follow certain guidelines in order to be "okay." It's used to sell everything, but anyone who expresses sexuality is condemned as "slutty." Whoa, confusing. It's enough to make anyone back up and say "I want no part in this." And if you already felt like that and then your partner pressured you, well that makes it even worse.

So here's the secret: sex is... really not a huge deal. It can bring couples closer, it can be fun, it can be special, it even can be important in a good way, but it's not this huge, earth-shattering thing that leaves you forever altered. After you have sex you are the exact same person you were before. The world doesn't look different and you're not different. It's not so different from the first time you kissed someone. It's not a 100% different thing, it's just a progression; like the progression between a little peck and making out. It's a natural, instinctual thing to do. There is nothing wrong with someone because they have sex, and if you had sex because you wanted to, there would be nothing wrong with you! Likewise, if you don't want to, that's totally okay too. It'll always be there if you ever want it. And if you want to wait until marriage, go right ahead and wait.

You're never too old to explore or question your sexuality. Just please believe that whatever you choose is totally okay! What's important is that you're comfortable with yourself and don't feel a sense of guilt or obligation. No one has the right to tell you how your sexuality should be or should not be expressed (well, within consensual adult perimeters, obviously).