I'm excited for this weekend. I get to spend lots of time with my lover. <3

I put out a few more resumes today as well.

I just have to sew a button on some pants and pack. So, the rest of the day is open after that. I'm not sure what I'll do.

Maybe I'll feel like working on a commission later. We'll see.

Thinking of doing something special tonight for someone. I don't know what though. I'll have to think.

Been awake since 12pm central March 20th

26 hours isn't that bad. The feeling good awake is still with me. Not the zombie kind. It's the go ahead and push through it kind of feeling.

I like to post here, but I could never be myself here.

I'm Starting to feel the bad kind of awake. Why won't my mind just shut the fuck up.

But I'm also like half an hour from seeing someone I'm addicted too.

I felt like doing easter/spring/rebirth avatars Lately. I just did some on Re.color as well. First one is Saturn as seen in the French Mystery Schools magic. Second one is Kind of a mix of Ostara, Ava the white serpent of healing, Green Jack, the one horned and also The cute Bunnyfish- Mene a tm).
I kind of want to do a rainbow of goddesses now Since one ended up mostly blue and the other is mostly green. Maybe as the wheel of the year moves on I will.

.

Shall I paint my nails for my cousins wedding Social on Saturday or Go to sleep?

Sleep is probably what I should choose.

Hmm I'll try but I ran out of my prescription.

...Some time later.

The nails are nearly done but I'm hungry now. Going to grab a snack before I do the topcoat.

Another day sending out papers and looking for work.

I'm so lonely.

I want to quit life so bad these days.

Got in contact with a driver school finally.

Right now I'm seeing if they can do my test date.

It's early in the morning so I wonder.

I have lessons on the 10, 24 and the 25th.

It's also getting closer to my year after surgery eye check up on the 12th.

I'm nervous about us going for it.

When it's your birthday but you forget if your 40 or 42...

Oh well I'm going out for sushi either way. lol.

Forgot to do my weigh in on the first but I'm 138.8 This morning.

My darling lost their cat yesterday.

They're really sad.

I want to be there for them but they're the type that suffers quietly. They just wanted to be alone yesterday.

I wish I could hold them sooner, but they work today.

Went to my year after lasik eye check up appointment today.

Got prescribed eyedrops 4 times a day.

Then I'm going back in a month to see if I've healed further.

We told each other we wanted to be together forever on the weekend. And again, this morning.

I've started looking at hand-fasting stuff and debated with myself if cord or ribbon would be best.

Who am I anymore? - Other than someone who wants to be happy with someone until the end.

I've never wanted to be this way with anyone before because I know emotions don't last. And marriage is extremely expensive.

Except for the thing where we liked each other for 20ish years before ever dating. So maybe we could?

Everything is just easier with them. Normally I think if you've had a crush on someone your brain builds a way you think they will be. However, they've only improved my opinion of them since we started dating. They're better than I ever thought possible.

I saw a ring that would be perfect for them!

We've played video games together, in particular WoW, since my daughter was a baby. And when I see this ring, it reminds me of The Alliance. It's a gold lion with Saphire in it. I like the idea of a Saphire engagement ring for them. Diamond is to normal. It's also my daughter's birthstone and both of our favorite colour. The price tag however is something that would take me 3-5 years to save up for. Also I don't know how they'd feel about something that big or me being the one to ask. I feel like I've wasted enough time without them. Like saving for it would be a waste of time.

I don't know what to do.

I guess the first thing to do is to find work so I can help pay for whatever we decide.

I'm a dumb ass without food security, but I keep looking at jewelry for someone else and wedding stuff.

At least it's keeping me busy.

I had another interview today.

It went ok. I'm still hoping for the place I called on Friday to call me.

Mostly because I have some issues about how the place I interviewed at pushes you to buy clothes from their shop to be a model for it. Yes there's a 40% discount for staff, but being forced into buying a top every month is kind of annoying.

I honestly don't understand how it's legal.

I've been having a lot of odd dreams lately. Mostly me trying to find things and failing. They're probably about my job search. :(

It's nice hearing from people you haven't in a while. :) Hummy popped by to say Hi the other day.

Another person I haven't heard from in a while left a message on my profile. This time it was Snowberry.

I just finished my job search for the day. Now I have a call to make about a program to see if it would help me out of not. My worker told me about it and it sounds better than doing what I'm currently doing about it.

I kind of get a bit of phone anxiety when I haven't called a place before.

I read the stuff about the work program, but I have no idea on where to even begin with it. Or if it would even be worth it. I don't really want to go through anything like that and waste resources on myself that could help someone else. I want it all to go away. There's nothing I want more than deaths release. I've scared myself in multiple attempts to end it, but it's ridiculously hard to kill yourself.

I'm ready for death and plan to go on MAiD. I have the forms on a USB stick. I'll have to send them to my doctor and phycologist first. There is no reason for me to stay alive at this point. I hate the world we live in. I don't see it ever changing. Come March 17th 2024 people with psychological issues and mental disabilities will be legally allowed to end their life with assistance in Canada.

I see this as a better solution than living off assistance my whole life.

Yes, I'm seeing someone that I currently mask love for. Yes, I have friends and family that might miss me. But none of that really matters to me. I don't feel emotionally connected to any of them. I just see the suffering everyone is going through in the world around me. Why should I prolong my own suffering in this existence if I don't have to. My only fear is if it'll cost more money than I have to do so. It'll feel weird saving to die.

I don't want a burial or funeral. I just want to sleep forever. If I can't get on MAiD I'll make contact with someone who can get me the narcotics I need to overdose.

I got a new job.

I hope I'm there for a long time. :)

I beginning to think that I'm not in love. That I'm obsessed with the person I'm with. It shouldn't feel so bad to be apart from someone for a few days but here I am.

I post nearly every hour on another site how it's one hour less until I see them again. I don't know how to get out of this pattern.

I miss having this place as a creative outlet too. It was a good way to balance out my adult work with kiddie pixels.

I have an appointment for a CAT scan tomorrow at a horribly early time of 7:25AM

I'm lucky my guy is willing to wake up with me to take me. I don't know the area so getting there by bus would have been scary.

Going to watch some Disney movies with the kiddo today.

~

How to ruin 20 years of trust. . .

* Tell other people (in particular more attractive women) that your already traumatized girlfriend is a friend instead of lover.

Relationships waste time.

---------- Post added 02-11-2024 at 02:01 AM ----------

Random appointments.

March. 19 license.
May 16-22 vacay.
May 22nd dermatologist.
Aug. 5th license.

July 2024
Monthly Weigh In: 124.3

July 3rd

After nearly a year I was let go from one of the best jobs I ever had. Reason? Welp. The paper says Termination without cause. So lay off company shrinking stuff for no reason. They said they still want me around the shop, but it's because they wanted to keep me as a customer. Nope.

July 8th

I have to make a large financial decision soon. I'm going to give myself till the 13th to think about what I'm going do. So far, I've done the basic thing and contacted the government. I'm waiting on my ROE to be sent to me. I think they have 2 business weeks to do it... so by the 17th.

July 11th

Going to a family event today. Making a Germanic version of pizza called Flamenkucken (or something similar it that). Making it how it was made before tomatoes came to Europe. With a cream sauce, onion, mushroom and bacon. What no cheese? Hmm not traditionally sowwy. But I do have some nice goat cheese I might sprinkle just a bit. But to use both cream sauce AND cheese is a little decadent.