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#1
Old 12-30-2007, 10:06 PM

Well I'm working on a story which I rather like, and this is only the first chapter, but I wanted to know what people think of it.
Don't worry, it's not a true story. It's just a rather well thought out figment XD

A Rather Sad Story of a Rather Sad Girl

For years I blamed all the things my step dad did to
me on myself. If I was a good girl he wouldn’t have hurt me so deeply. When he told me I was a useless failure who had no future I figured he must be right. When he yelled at me, I thought I deserved it. When he used his fists I thought I must have done something wrong. When he would get drunk and… Do things to me, I figured I must have been a bad girl. If I was a good girl he wouldn’t have been mean to me. Even now, I blame it on myself.

My step dad, John, is the only dad I can remember. Most of my good memories and all of my bad ones as a child are centered on him. He will always be my daddy. And I will always love him. I still miss him to this day. He was a good dad when he wasn’t mad at me.

I wish I could say that my past doesn’t bother me, but it affects every choice I make. I don’t think that parents realize that everything they do affects their children and their children’s children. Maybe they just don’t want to think about it.

It took years for my mom to notice anything was wrong. She had to work. She was always at work. Hell, I didn’t even really have a mom until after they got divorced and she decided to remember she had a kid. And for awhile, it was good.

We got along okay, and her job at the new hospital was still easy, so we spent a lot of time together. She worked three 12 hour night shifts in a row over the weekend and we would go out for breakfast or go for a long walk when she got home painfully early in the morning. A lot of times I wouldn’t want to go with her because I didn’t feel like getting up so early in the morning. Now I wish I had.

Her job got much harder very quickly, though. After a few months she would come home pale and worn out. She would gratefully pass out for as long as she could until she had to force herself out of bed again for another long hard 12 hour shift.

That was when our relationship started to get very strained. She was always stressed out and tired, so she would always snap at me for little things. And I had just gotten my first dose of late middle school boy drama, so I was just as stressed and pissy.
That brings me to my first boyfriend, Joe. He was the first boy I ever loved.

Abiogenecist
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#2
Old 12-31-2007, 01:50 AM

You have an interesting story and it has an interesting start, but I noticed several inconsistencies.

The first to third paragraph sent out an interesting vibe of a meek little girl who loved her father even if he had abused her physically, morally and sexually.
However, in the middle of the fourth paragraph, I lost her connection with me. She was already cursing, repelling me to the tone you have established in the before-paragraphs. I didn't know anymore if this was the same girl sharing her experiences.

In the fifth pagraph, I was deterred more. You gave me an imprint that this was like another teenage drama piece. The interest that had sparked inside me slowly dwindled.

I'm not trying to discourage you, but I am only being honest. I hope this helps you.

Oh, and to add, the title is too long for me. Perhaps you make something cryptic and catchy but is also short.

sychobunny
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#3
Old 12-31-2007, 07:23 PM

comments on comments: if cursing fits the character, then it should be used. Those who grow up in less than ideal environments (we're looking at a mother who's working- we don't know if the stepfather is, and a step father who's abusive), can pick up such language. Its assumed that her father would be one to curse, as he's already showing far worse actions.

Title- I say its not too long, but to blunt with the main character, and too loose with the words used (rather isn't a strong word)


And my personal comments:

Quote:
If I was a good girl he wouldn’t have hurt me so deeply in so many ways.
You can probably end with in so deeply- I don’t think “in so many ways” really adds much to it.

And for a while, it was good.

Quote:
When he told me I was a useless failure who had no future I figured he must be right. When he yelled at me, I thought I deserved it. When he used his fists I thought I must have done something wrong. When he would get drunk and… Do things to me, I figured I must have been a bad girl.
You have a pattern with the sentences’ contents, but you change the flow with having a comma in the second and fourth ones. The commas help brek them up, and I think you should have commas through all four, or hyphens (em dashes) in all four.

You definitely leave the reader hanging and wanting more. I wish you went into a bit more detail, to pull us in to her emotions at the time. You have a good start, please continue if you feel inspired!

 


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