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JoieD
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02-22-2008, 04:57 AM
The following excerpt is from a freewrite/brainstorm I did for a short story I am working on. I wrote this as a sort of exploration of the narrator's "inner voice." The narrator's name is Benjy White, and he is a 15 year old white boy who likes to think he's "black."
Quote:
V-Day be one of the best days of the year. All them hot bi-yatches in sexy clothes, giving you hugs just because--now thatâs what Iâm talkinâ about. I didnât have a date for last Valentineâs day because Iâm a playa. All the ladies be wantinâ Benjy and thatâs a fact, but Benjy ainât gonna be moreân a friend with benefits, if you know what I mean. I keep âem wantinâ more.
But some of the bitches just donât get it. And by some, I mean Stalker Melly. That girlâs crazy, man. She be all up in my face, tellinâ me she loves me and wantinâ to talk and stuff. I told her âWoman, who you think youâre talkinâ too?â But she just donât listen to a brother.
Itâs like this Valentineâs Day I was tellinâ you about. No date, just me. The perfect set up, âcause all them fine ladies was sendinâ me candy-grams all day long. And all the others was seeinâ how many I got. Now thatâs all fine and good. I loves me the candy grams, and most of the ladies stopped there.
But not Stalker Melly. Her nasty ass kept sendinâ me text messages all morninâ. I ignored âem, and she sent one sayinâ as how I was mean! Excuse me, I tolâ her, I wasnât the one sending desperate-ass messages every five minutes. I got other things to do with my time.
Melly anâ me got English together after lunch. The way she was actinâ, I woulda skipped class, especially seeinâ as we was doinâ Romeo and Juliet. Only Jeeves said heâd ground me if I did that again (I call my dad Jeeves, see, âcause heâs as smart as the search engine. Need to know somethinâ? Ask Jeeves). So I had to go. Anâ whatâs the first thing I see but Stalker Melly, practically waitinâ by the door for me.
âHi Benjy!â She talk just like that, too. All exclamation points.
âHi Melly,â I answered. I couldnât get passed her to my seat.
âDidnât you get my text messages?!â
âErâŚno, I guess not. Phoneâs dead again.â
âGod, your phoneâs always dead, isnât it? Why donât you get a new battery?â
I just shrug at her, and the bitch finally lets me sit. Just in time, too, âcause the bell was all about the room and Mrs. Cofax be crazy strict.
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Vappor1
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02-22-2008, 05:34 AM
It seems interesting-ish from that, but also like it's kind of.. full of stereotypes? =/
He's not really acting 'black' though, just kind of.. stupid? I don't know. Just doesn't seem to fit, the word. *Shrug*
The words are very straight forward, which is a very good thing. When it's indirect it's hard to follow. I'm guessing a lot of language will be used? xD Sounds interesting enough.
I'd try to tell more about the Melly character, and why she's so obsessed and stuff.
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JoieD
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02-22-2008, 05:41 AM
Vappor: Thank you for your comments, I'll try to take them into consideration. It's true that it's full of stereotypes, because he's acting the way he thinks a black person acts, completely based on stereotypes. I'd like to steer away from being fully stereotypical in the finished product, though. Yes, there is the language. I wasn't even thinking about that when I posted it. Melly's an interesting character, and will be much more developed in the actual piece. This isn't an actual excerpt from the story, but something I wrote while I was trying to figure out part of Benjy's character.
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