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#1
Old 03-16-2008, 05:33 PM

(Lasted edited/updated: ch. 12)

I am currently writing a story just to appease my fellow guildmates. It, in most cases, takes their screenname and then I apply that screenname to my characters, my plot, and everything else. So I don't know if it applies as a fanfiction, but really that's not the issue here. Before I get started, I kind of organized this thread a bit.

Post 1 (here) - Intro, About, My questions.
Post 2 - Everything you MIGHT want to know about the story (history/plot, characters, summary, chapter archive)
Post 3 - The current chapter I'm in the middle of writing, and would look help with.

I know this is a pretty long, ongoing story, but I do want to end it at some point, and I do want it to at least be entertaining, even to those who aren't "in" it(I say that term loosely, too).

But enough of beating around the bush, here's what I need help with.

I'd like some general critique/comments about the story in general. Is it easy to understand to an outside audience? Is it entertaining? Boring?
Is the information provided in an easy-to-understand/concise manner? Is it easy to follow along? Do you like how the story progresses? Or does it progress too slow or too fast?

I also want some help with character growth. Each character has a history, but right now Edmond and Q seem to be getting the brunt of all the growth. I know I'm somewhat biased since Q is "me" (lawl) but really I am trying all I can to get off him. He started out as a minor character in my head, believe it or not. Anyway. I need help getting from point A to point B. Point A is "Q shot the Phoenix and they want to kill her" point B is "Every character is fully developed, and Q and the Phoenix are dead"(lol, spoiler).

I have no problems getting to Phoenix and Q death, my problems lie in how to progress the story while focusing on the other characters. Because I'm a lameass like that. -emos in a corner-

The story is meant to be gory and violent. I began adding comedic intervals because some guildmates were saying there was too much "epic" going on. xD
Is the humor funny? Is there enough of it? Too much?

Chapter twelve was meant to be the one chapter dedicated fully to comedy. Did it succeed so far? D=

Are the characters believable
? Do they all have their own unique personalities as they should, or are they the same and only seem to be there just so there's more characters? This is one of my worst fears because I've had problems with "same characters" before (but I think I've gotten over it).

And lastly.
You general opinion, your favorite/least favorite character(s), how much you hate me, how much the story sucks, etc., etc.
Oh.
And of course, suggestions to make it better (Burning it? XD) or what characters I should focus on next. Or what path I should take...

Thank you for any help you provide in advance!
It will be a godsend.
No, really. It will be. D:

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#2
Old 03-16-2008, 05:43 PM

Instead of posting all my Chapters here, I've instead provided a summary. D:
And an archive if you actually want to read it all. D:
Links lead to Gaia. So if you have a personal hate of that site back away now.

This story, I guess, is kinda/sorta technically a fanfiction (maybe?). But really, only names were pulled from avatars. Not personalities, no story, no nothing. Just names. And even then a lot of names have been changed. So I don't know, really. >>;

STORY/HISTORY
Dexterity. A thriving metropolis. Its borders are adorned with walls. Broken down and riddled with decay, but walls nonetheless. Dexterity was the city in times past where the cruelest of the cruel were thrown and imprisoned. Since those times, the culture here has been different. Outsiders can come in, but they don't often get out. Murders are an everyday occurance and the Bill of Rights has a disclaimer. Standard law does not apply here, and the population is in the triple digits.

Schools have martial arts classes, and it is a live or let die environment for those who don't learn fast enough. A strange phenomenon has begun in Dexterity, though these days is not unique to the city. Citizens have "Resonance Souls" or "Rez". Not everyone is born with a Rez, but those who aren't are often killed off quickly.

Rez are a special power resonating from the user's soul. No two Rez are the same, as there are no duplicate souls. These powers of the Soul are not limited to a user's bodily strength or mental capacity. A person could be a short, shy individual and possess a powerful Rez. Likewise, a skilled fighter can have a pathetic by comparison Rez. How pathetic or not a Rez is, however, is up to the beholder...

ARCHIVE
Currently Chapters 1 - 11.
Link

CHARACTERS
Characters are arranged into groups, and their bios are updated as more info is revealed about them. Or I have some extra spare time.


--->DEXTERITY<---

MONTE CRISTO
Edmond Dantes / count of monte cristo`
Q*

PHEONIX
Tali
Fortenra Askasa
Insom`
Ismaru`


RAG-TAG
Mercain
Amigo
Roy Salamandra
Sim`
Shoy


--->OTHERWORLD<---

RENEGADE
Opal Koboi

SEEKERS
Teddy
Tootz


Key:
`Updated slightly
* Completely rewritten, or majorly updated

Last update: Ch. 7 release


CURRENT SUMMARY
In case you don't want to read up until the point I need help with, here's a really, really short run-down of what's happened so far:

Q is a sniper and has shot Tali in the head. Normally quick to revive herself like a pheonix, for some reason she hasn't done so yet. Edmond and Q(who live together) have conspired to find a way to kill Tali for good. Sim and Q went to kidnap the unconscious girl(Tali), but Q was able to get her first.
Q went back to the castle with the girl. Opal came in and told Q how to kill Tali for good, and said not to trust Mercain.
Shoy and Edmond duked it out, but at the last moment Q shot Shoy. Edmond was heavily injured when Shoy left to go back to Rag-tag HQ.
Mercain finds out Q tore Opal from Aine, somehow. The reason why nobody can feel Q is because he uses a limiter to hide his ki/disable his Rez.
However the limiter is breaking, as Edmond finds out from Q. Mercain goes to Edmond to find out why Q uses a limiter in the first place, but loses it and confesses he wants to kill Edmond. On the Phoenix group, Insom tells the group where Tali is. Askasa gets mad for her not telling them earlier, and then two outsiders come in(Teddy & tootz) who explain the "war" about the Phoenix Soul, Monte Cristos, Soul Stealers, and themselves, the Seekers. They then ask if Askasa and Ismaru would like to join them on their quest to kill the Soul Stealer. They agree, but Askasa also plans to kill Edmond, who, as a monte cristo, is trying to kill his best friend(Tali).

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#3
Old 03-16-2008, 05:47 PM

CURRENT CHAPTER I AM SEEKING HELP WITH
The Questions I'd like answered, or the things I would like help with are in the first post. This is just what I've written so far of the current chapter, to show you where I'm at right now. ;__;

---

12.

"Come on," Shoy growled, pulling Roy by the hand. Shoy had one hand in the doorway of the apartment, and one hand outside, as Roy, for some unknown reason, didn't want to come inside. It was now tug of war with the wills, Sim watching in entertainment at the spectacle.

"No! I want to stay outside!" Roy struggled, trying to run backward, even though Shoy had his hand.

"What's the big DEAL," he managed to take another step forward into the apartment as he grit his teeth, "Just get inside already!" Shoy didn't spend all of the evening trying to find Roy, and then waste even more of his time just to babysit the guy.

"I said no! No means no!" Roy, with his free hand, reached for his katana and unsheathed it, cutting his own arm off. This freed him from Shoy and he began to run off again.

"Fucking damnit!" Shoy screamed, letting go of Roy's now severed hand and running after the insane man. By now his temper was wearing thin, and when he caught up to Roy, he grabbed him from behind in a bearhug. At that point, he disappeared in a burst of speed, reappearing inside the apartment where Sim was laughing maniacally. The door slammed shut by itself, and Shoy let go of his protege, stepping backwards.
"Augh! You got blood all over my--"

Roy was running toward the door again. A trail of blood was left from the arm he had cut, although the madman had already regenerated another one, and was able to use it to open up the door and run outside again.

Sim burst out laughing even more, his sides splitting.

"YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT GAME THEN YOU STAY OUT THERE FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING NIGHT!!" Shoy screamed at the top of his lungs, walking over to the door and slamming it shut once more, locking it.

Sim covered his mouth when Shoy glared at him, but he couldn't seem to hold in the chuckles.

"I swear boy, if you don't shut up right now, I will kill you," the older of the two commanded.

Sim covered up his laughter with a coughing fit, and finally was able to stop himself. He couldn't take the chance that the man was actually serious.

Once there was silence again, Shoy looked down to his coat. It was covered in little smears of Roy's blood, where the man-child had tried to escape. He gave a disgruntled sigh, and walked out of the main room to find another shirt.

Although he had wanted to, Shoy didn't have time to replace his jacket from before. It was ruined with a bullethole in the shoulder, and he had been absolutely disgusted. Now he not only had to get a new jacket, but also had to take the stains out of his shirt... Which had proven from countless times before, that he might have been better off just getting a new shirt. But he liked this one. It reminded him of what he was like before he'd joined up with Mercain.

Sim followed Shoy into his room soonafter, asking his partner, "What do you think the deal with Roy was?"
Shoy took off his jacket, and began unbuttoning his shirt, his back to Sim. "I don't know, but I don't feel like talking about it."

 


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