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demonika
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#1
Old 04-12-2008, 03:48 PM

(i didn't write this but i thought it would be usefull and funny LOL)

Quote:
Blind Date
55 Ways to get Rid of your Blind Date


1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

demonika
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#2
Old 04-12-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:
Things Girls Should Know About Guys

2. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

3. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

8. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

9. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

10. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

11. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

12. Shopping is not a sport.

13. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

14. You have enough clothes.

15. You have too many shoes.

16. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

17. Your brother is an idiot, you ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

18. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

19. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

20. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

21. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

22. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

24. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

26. Check you oil.

27. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

28. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

29. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

30. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

33. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Sweetcooky
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#3
Old 04-12-2008, 05:01 PM

lol -5 gold for useless post.
this kind of posts are seen as spam.

Mimi Lara
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#4
Old 04-17-2008, 12:45 AM

these are rather funny and although they are rather spamish they are not breaking any visable rules...

 


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