Quote:
Originally Posted by xXLemonSkittleXx
Chapter 1
Autumn looked out her window and the season that was her name the leaves were flying in a dizzying motion which made her head spin. Would her head actually spin? Leaves drift too slowly- unless it's windy. Looking away from her window I think "which" is unnecessary here. made her headache go back to a non threatening state. She put on her black high tops with the hot pink laces and left them untied. She had just left her room, shut the door and was about to walk down the stairs when she stepped on her right shoe lace and tumbled. Changed both sentences. The grammar was dodgy.
"Whoah!" Autumn yelped as she went down and everything went flying; her books and phone soared as her arms flailed, and her long, dark red hair tangled into a crazed mane as it flew in all directions. Once she was back on the ground and laying flat on her face she looked up and saw her mom.
"Hi mom." Autumn said getting up and dusting herself off and then smiled, happy she didn't break a bone.
Below, I added a concerned comment from her mom. If she thought it was an accident, and that her child had just escaped injury, a mother's first action wouldn't be to scold.
"Are you alright? You could have hurt yourself!" A pause. "Ah. You didn't tie your shoes," Her mother said, and pointed to Autumn's You can't say 'her' twice in a sentence, as it makes it sound like Autumn's mother looked at her own laces. laces. Autumn had Edited out some unnecessary repetition. completely forgot about her laces and went down to tie them. Once she was done she went to the coffee table in the living room, grabbed her lunch money and left.
"Bye mom." Autumn yelled as her thin hand reached for the cold brass doorknob.
"Bye Autumn, be careful." Her mom said and watched her daughter leave the house. Make better use of commas. They make people sound less like robots.
Once Autumn was outside she smiled as she walked to the bus stop. While she waited she looked up at the sky which was almost gray. Her dark blue eyes looked at her shoes to make sure they were still tied for her walk to her bus seat. After a short time the bus came, and she flattened her teared blue jeans and walked on. She looked around for an empty seat and saw happily that her usual seat in the back was not filled by a stranger.
She walked down the aisle and sat in her seat which had her name scribbled on it in her pink milky pen. It was always in her book bag for 'good luck' which never happened. The bus arrived at the second to last stop, which was Cassidy's stop. Cassidy was the head cheerleader and a renowned bitch. Autumn just rolled her eyes, took out her blue iPod and listened to her music.
As the bus started moving again Autumn felt as if she was being watched by someone. She looked up and saw Cassidy staring down at her with her piercing green eyes.
"May I help you?" Autumn said confidently, pulling out her right head phone. She had never been scared of Cassidy as far as she knew. She was just an arrogant girl who saw herself as superior to everybody else. I've changed a couple of phrases to give the same effect, but to sound more like a narrative rather than a diary entry.
"Yes you can. That's my seat." Cassidy said snidely and crossed her arms over her chest, which bore the logo of the school mascot, a dolphin. Autumn just rolled her eyes and put her right headphone back in. It was only five seconds until Cassidy yanked it out of her ear.
"Ow! What was that for?" Autumn said, and clenched her right ear which was probably turning red.
"For not moving. This is my seat," Cassidy repeated obnoxiously, and put her hands on her hips. Autumn stood up showing she was a good three inches taller then Cassidy. She looked down at her.
"This is my seat. I have my name on it right there." Autumn said and pointed to where her name was scribbled. Being frustrated Cassidy pushed Autumn out of the way and sat in the seat beside hers. Autumn smirked and sat down. She always got her way.
Some bitchy cheerleader wasn't going to boss her around either - until she got a surprise smack on the back of the head.
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I've put in bold changes I've made, or things I've added. I've made changes where I thought there was a spelling/grammatical error, or where the writing could be made more cohesive.
From where I'm sitting, I don't like Autumn. Someone who "always gets their way" sounds like a brat to me. I'm hoping that she makes a new friend who puts some tenderness and consideration for others in her.
Just generally, you ought to type out numbers as words. Don't worry about bleeping out swear words, as long as they're not excessive. It's called artistic license. Finally, try using commas more often. Keep it up, I am interested in the characters and what happens next.