|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:07 PM
Fweeee~! ..::.::...::.. Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen
Hello and good day everyone!
I'm Valedia or Val you may call me if you haven't met me already.
So basically I haven't talked about it much before but I've done a lot of RPing in the past. Recently I dropped it due to RL getting in the way. But anyway, as some of you may know Yumeh has a contest going at the moment for the best short love story.
I will be posting my story here for all feedback! I would be greatly interested in hearing what you have to say about the story. The story is split up into five parts, a new part will be released every day until it is finished. Just please don't come in here asking what's going to happen next, that'll annoy me very quickly.
So hope you enjoy it!
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:07 PM
If Only A Petal Could Last
Part I of V
Autumn leaves rolled by with every gust of wind. It’s brown, dead colors paled against the green grass below. They crunched under boots, cackling in their already present death. That’s the hollow feeling which buried into my stomach and heart, death. It seemed so rude for the sun to be beaming down on me so brightly today. I could never love the sun again for the way it is mocking me today. I still remember the days we were alive and bright…
“Wake up, wake young Marcus…” A feminine voice echoed in my ears. It was too early to be waking. Could she go away and leave me for just a bit longer? A groan issued from my lips as I rolled over. Feebly, my hand swatted at the black one patting at my shoulder. She didn’t leave me alone though. “Sir, it is far in the morning and time to get up,” the maid nagged at me once more. I rolled over onto my stomach and tried to bury my face in the pillows, leaving my brown matted hair only visible.
“Alright, alright… I’m getting up,” I finally gave in and my voice was muffled by the pillow. Rolling over on my back, I sat up wearily in my bed. A yawn was stifled while I stretched my arms. Looking at the dark skin maid with soft sapphire eyes, I put a witty grin on. “What did I tell you about coming in here? I don’t want you walking in on me while I’m changing,” I mockingly scolded her. The maid made a humrph noise before placing her hands on her hips, annoyance clear on her face.
She stalked out of the bedroom, muttering about how she’s been changing and bathing me since I was a babe. I grinned a bit as I got up from bed, stretching my legs. From there, I changed into a plain white shirt, which was a little snug on my arms. I’ve been getting into better shape lately. Also, changed into just a plain pair of black pants. It was my normal clothes I wore for training. Like every male in my family, my parents wanted me to do exceptionally well with sword fighting.
Coming to the mirror in my room, I rubbed my sleepy eyes while staring back at myself. At this time, I was of 19 years. My skin was tanned from training everyday and a slim muscular body. Others always said I’m handsome like my father and have my mother’s smile, but my own charm. Maybe it was true, girls always turned an eye to me, but they kept their distance. My parents are proud, they say I help keep the image that my family is one of the few wealthy families who aren’t snobs.
Regardless of my wandering thoughts, I went downstairs to the informal breakfast dining room. Indeed, it was late in the morning as I found my father already ate and gone. My mother sat there in one of her silken summer dresses. It was new… I think. I rarely saw her wear the same clothes twice. “Morning mother,” I said to her pleasantly. I took a seat across from her at the table, even though breakfast had been long cleaned up. Apparently, she was waiting since she normally went outside when she read books. At my greet, she looked up and smiled.
“Marcus… I need to talk to you. It’s a bit of an odd subject so I’ll get straight to it,” She spoke lightly, “You surely haven’t forgotten you’ll be getting married in three months?” Whenever mother needed to talk to me, it was more of I need to listen to her talk. I nodded my head and swallowed hard. It was a marriage, but not by choice. Rather common among the wealthy families they were. “The one I do not know my fiancé,” I replied a bit sourly. My mother pretended not to hear the attitude and nodded her head. “Well, as you know, the Menewsha Ball will be held soon… There’s a chance you might run into her there. I think you deserve to know her name, but remember the girl is not allowed to know her fiancé before the marriage. It’s tradition.”
I sat there for a long silent moment. A stony expression remained on my face as I tried to choose how to react. “I’m going to train now,” I spoke flatly and got up from the table with my fists tight. Anger built up in my chest. This whole situation was so wrong. My parents were forcing me to get married to a girl I’ve never seen before. It was so unfair for us both. How could they force us together? Everyone always said marriage was the unity of a man and woman in love. Apparently it’s all a lie.
That afternoon I had a little extra anger I took out on my swordsman master, in the form of a gash on his arm. Later when I was calmed down, my mother told me her name was Elizabeth…
To be continued
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:08 PM
If Only A Petal Could Last
Part II of V
“Marcus, will you ever learn to dress yourself?” the maid ranted at me an hour before. I knew she was in good nature, so I grinned at her. Her hands worked to smooth out the Tuxedo, which I almost wrinkled trying to put on. My clothes were dark blue and the material expressed the wealth my parents had. “And deprive you of the pleasure? I think not,” I replied to her wittily. The maid grumbled at herself a bit, but the lightness in her eyes told me she took the joke. She bent down to adjust my shoes and make sure I hadn’t scuffed the shiny leather already.
“Go along, the carriage is waiting,” the maid then barked at me. I had almost forgotten I was standing outside our mansion doors. The night had barely fallen and the air had no crisp to it, just warm and relaxing. The carriage for my family waited, me being the last one. Six mighty black stallions were drawn to it. Their hooves echoed against the cobble stone driveway impatiently. The carriage itself was black and trimmed with gold, elegant and sleek. One of the doors await. I could see my mother and father seated, especially the deep pearl flowing dress.
Climbing into the carriage, I took a seat next to my father. He looked like an older version of me with gray hair and a black Tuxedo. When we were ready, the carriage rolled into motion. I stared out of the window most of the time in silence. Nervousness and excitement was building up inside of me. The ball would be grand, like they always were. It was in the most elegant of mansions, where everyone wore their best for a fine night of dancing. I just hoped I would be able to remember how to dance and find a pretty girl to dance with.
It didn’t take long at all before we arrived at the mansion. Our carriage waited in line for two others to unload before we did. The large double doors stood welcomingly open, engraved with gold and excellently carved. Many servants stood outside, uniformed in dark red, ready to escort the guests. My mother and father climbed out first, I let them walk together and followed behind. I especially made sure not to step on my mother’s dress. We walked inside to the foyer of the mansion. It was high ceiled with an elaborate chandelier. Expensive paintings lined the walls like the mahogany wood trim. Many others had already arrived before us.
The women were all dressed in luxurious colors of fine materials. With the way how elaborate they were, I wondered how the women were able to move. I waited silently while my mother and father stopped to talk to an older couple. I don’t remember paying much attention to them since my eyes were in the direction of the other side of the foyer. There was another open set of double doors. They led outside into the courtyard, which was where the dance floor was. My eyes were caught upon the couples who moved slowly together in perfect rhythm.
Before long, I drifted through the doors and outside. The stone courtyard had been laid over by a red carpet for the dance floor. The railing wrapping around the open area was decorated with many exotic flowers. The lamp lanterns assisted the moon light in the lighting of the amazing evening. A fairly large orchestra was playing close to where the rails opened up. The courtyard looked upon the lake of the estate. The water was so still, reflecting the heaves and stars.
Shortly after I arrived, the song ended. My chest pounded, should I ask a girl to dance now? Even though my nervous ness was not clear on my face, I looked around hopefully. Then I saw a pretty maiden close to my own age. She had long wavy blonde hair, purer than the moon. Such fair skin, softer than a babe, and an excellent figure in the dark blue dress she wore. I stared for a moment, admiring her before I approached.
“Care to have this dance with me?” I asked of her while holding my hand out, trying to put on a charming smile. She turned to look at me, considering for a moment with sharp blue eyes. Then she grinned at me, it wasn’t as pleasant as I expected. She took my hand and said, “I would love to.”
I lead her out onto the dance floor. A few seconds later, the new slow song started. Placing my hand on her waist, I took her other out before me. It was all going well and I soon found myself in a daze. The music and moving with each step was all so pleasant while I stared at this beauty.
…But then she yelped loudly and pulled away from me. I had stepped right on her open toed, high heel foot… All those times I spent practicing dancing with the house maid and a broom handle tapping the beat. I felt so foolish. I didn’t object to her stalking off and leaving me in the middle of the dance floor. Hanging my head, I walked off to the side of the courtyard. Already on the first dance, I had screwed up. My evening wasn’t going to be pleasant…
To Be Continued
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:08 PM
If Only A Petal Could Last
Part III of V
I don’t know how long I hung around the outside. The other couples danced away merrily while I was one of the few standing off to the side. A sick feeling in my stomach began while I though about the dance. Standing there with my arms folded over my chest, I watched the others. I wanted to be out there…
Then something caught the corner of my eye, red. Looking over, it was a magnificent red dress, trimmed in gold. But it wasn’t the dress that had my attention, it was the beautiful bell in it.
Her hair was long, with thick curls and the most amazing color of auburn. She had flawless skin and a slender body, but her expression disturbed me. I watched a few moments as she leaned her back against the railing. Sadness was clear on her face and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. What was wrong? Was she lonely?
At first, I didn’t move since I was too scared. I had just failed miserably dancing before… But she was so lonely it seemed too…
I gave a deep sigh before plucking up my courage. Walking over to her, I tried to appear calm. “Excuse me, may I have this dance, m’lady?” I asked her, managing to smile while holding my hand out. She looked up at me, we stared at each other for a moment. I could’ve stared at her amber eyes all evening. After a moment, she nodded her head once and finally put on a small grin. “I would be honored to,” She replied, a sweet voice, and then took my hand.
Feeling slightly relieved, I led her out onto the floor. Falling into pace with the next song, I placed my hand on her waist and we held our other. We moved together so easily and I would almost say gracefully. “So what is your name, m’lady?” I asked her during the dance. She seemed so beautiful, I had to know.
“Elizabeth, and your name, sir?” She responded… I’m surprised I didn’t break her foot when I heard that. My heart skipped a beat, maybe three. So this was the beautiful young woman I would be marrying. Oh but her question! Should I answer?
“It’s not important… Elizabeth is a beautiful name,” I responded to her, unable to keep from smiling still. I just couldn’t tell her. It would cause her to push away from me. There’s no way she would look at me the same as any other man if she knew. I just couldn’t tell her. She raised an eyebrow and looked at me oddly for a moment. I just kept smiling at her.
We kept dancing for quite some time. Almost the whole time we talked, just about anything and what we liked. The more I learned about Elizabeth, the more excited I got and wanted to be with her. Never was I so happy to be dancing before either. She made me feel light and careless to what was going on around us. I could’ve danced with her all night and through the stars while never be tired or bored. But I wasn’t able to, after a song ended she pulled her hand from mine.
“I’m sorry, these shoes are paining my feet. I must sit down for a while,” She said to me. I could see in her eyes she was as reluctant as I. But I didn’t want her to walk away already. “I’ll accompany you,” I swiftly said as we began to walk off the dance floor. She smiled at me, I offered my arm, and we walked off to the side. Glancing about for somewhere to sit, my eye caught on a lone bench by the lake, close to the woods and a decent walk from the ball. I led her in the direction of the bench. Silently, we moved together. I was bold enough to wrap my arm around her waist.
She kept smiling at me every time I looked down at her. I was nervous but comfortable to be with her. By the time we arrived at the bench, the music of the ball was distant and the dancers were like specks with the lantern lamps. I watched as she carefully sat down, trying not to ruin her expensive dress. “Allow me,” I said softly before bending down to her feet. Delicately, I removed her shoes and set them down on the ground. Elizabeth giggled at me a bit, but I could tell she was grateful. Standing up, I took each of her hands in mine and smiled.
“Come… Dance with me. Let the grass be our floor, the stars be our light, the moon to be our music, and the lake for us to never forget this dance,” I said to her, trying to be charming. She nodded her head and stood up with my help. At first I placed my hand on her waist as if to dance like we did before. But she wrapped her arm around me and rested one hand on my shoulder, drawing herself close. I blushed a bit but wrapped my arums around her loosely. I smiled at her as she leaned her head against my other shoulder. We danced slowly together.
The time passed by slowly and I couldn’t be more grateful. I had a beautiful and charming woman in my arms, how could I complain? Being so close to her, I could smell a hint of lavender on her skin. Part way through, I couldn’t help but stop, and she looked up at me curious. Reaching up with one hand, I caressed her cheek lightly, her skin so soft against mine.
“You’re beautiful,” I spoke to her gently. Leaning down to her, my eyes closed lightly and I pressed my lips to hers. I kissed her softly for a few long moments, enjoying the feeling of her lips against mine and her sweet mellow taste. When I finally pulled away and opened my eyes, we smiled at each other…
To Be Continued…
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:09 PM
If Only A Petal Could Last
Part IV of V
Elizabeth must’ve stolen my heart. If it wasn’t love at first sight, then I was having a very rude dream. She was just so sweet and amazing. Never had I met someone that could enthrall my entire being like that. We danced together for a little longer, then went for a walk in the woods. We shared sweet moments together that night. Too sweet for me to describe.
When it came time to leaving the ball, I promised her I would meet her again. Still I hid my name from her, but I knew I could meet her again. Over the next two months, we did. Whenever I got the chance to sneak out, it was with Elizabeth. Sometimes we would just walk together and talk. Other times we would ride horses through the woods. I still think saddles are more abuse than enjoyment for men. I struggle to describe the feeling I get when I’m with her. Light, caring, happy, whole, all seemed to fall short.
The closest that came to it was love. When the weeks passed, I became more sure that I was in love wit her. Hearing her laugh was purer than a song bird to my ears. Her cascade of fiery hair was more enticing than the most ancient of waterfalls. Her voice and smile… Oh there was nothing that compared to it. Perhaps, she would be called an angel. Even that seemed to pale in comparison. To me, she was an angel, my angel. An angel too pure for wings, yet, she lifted my heart and caressed my soul.
Sometimes I felt foolish for falling so much in love with her, but she still didn’t even know my name. I was afraid to tell her and have it ruin what we have. So I kept it from her, amazingly, the whole time.
One morning, I met up with Elizabeth like we often did. Together we walked to the outside of town and along one of the nearby rivers. It was relaxing to walk along with her, my arm wrapped around her and talking idly. After a while, we sat down on a boulder which sat in the water of the river. The sun bore down on us that hot morning, so we sat with our feet in the cool water. It was relieving. After a little, we stared getting a bit playful. We splashed each other a bit. Soon enough we were both laughing and soaked up to our knees. Elizabeth smirked at me a moment and then without warning splashed me right in the face.
My face was dripping. So I quickly wrapped my arms around her tightly and then buried my face in her neck. She mockingly yelped as I rubbed my soaked face against her skin. Then I planted a soft kiss on her neck before pulling away after a few moments, grinning broadly. “You’re worse than a wet dog,” She giggled at me. I laughed a moment while I held her in my arms.
“Oh, am I?” I replied pretending to be surprised and then pondering a moment. “I suppose I could see that,” I added while smirking then leaned back into her neck. Softly I kissed her skin again, then nibbled on her skin lightly with my teeth, like a dog. I heard her laugh and smirked again. Keeping my arms wrapped around her, I leaned towards the water. I fell in, pulling Elizabeth with me. I could hear her gasp as we fell.
A loud splash sounded as we fell in the water. It was cool and refreshing form the warm summer sun. Luckily, the water was only about waist high so we both came up fine. I smiled at the look on Elizabeth’s face. She was shocked and held her arms out, shivering a moment. It was amusing seeing her reaction, her long soaked hair, and her flowing summer dress now clinging to her body.
“Dog is right,” She said while shaking her head slightly in mock frustration. I smiled and moved to warp my arms back around her waist lightly. “I guess you’ll just have to put a leash on me and keep me,” I said teasingly, then started shaking my head like a dog. My dripping hair started to spray Elizabeth. She giggled and tried to block the water with her hands.
After I stopped shaking, I settled to stare in her eyes while we held each other. The brilliant color of her hair was bright in the sun. Though, not as radiant as her flawless skin and beauty. Her eyes were so enchanting to me. I reached up to her, moving some hairs aside from her face. “Even when you get soaked, you’re the most beautiful woman,” I spoke to her lovingly. My fingers trailed lightly over her cheek, then down and held her chin. Leaning closer, my eyes closed and pressed my moist lips to hers. I kissed her for a few long moments, but it felt like forever, she was so sweet and captivating. It made my chest feel light, even though my soaked clothes weighed me down.
She kissed me back and we shared the moment tenderly. Reluctantly, I pulled away when I was short of breath. We smiled at each other, like we had the first time we kissed. Then I suddenly remembered the gift I had gotten her while on vacation. Placing my finger to her lips, I said softly, “One moment…” Slipping away from her, I went back to the boulder. There I left a dark red box, which I managed to keep from her sight for the most part.
Opening the box, I stared at the hairpin I had gotten for her. The center of it was a large rose, every petal perfect and a brilliant dark red color. Two curly ribbons dangled down from the rose. Other beaded decorations stuck out from the rose. I wasn’t sure how to describe them, fashion wasn’t one of my strong points. I was just sure she would like it. Picking the hairpin carefully, I waded back over to her.
“I got you this,” I said quietly to Elizabeth while grinning. She gasped slightly at the hairpin, then let me put it in her hair delicately, above her right ear. It looked amazing in her auburn hair. “Oh… I love it, thank you so much!” She replied, then wrapped me up tight in an embrace. Elizabeth also kissed my cheek, causing me to blush a bi. “If only it was as beautiful as you. I love you, Elizabeth,” I spoke gently into her ear in response.
Her tight grip loosened around me suddenly. Cocking my head, I watched as she pulled back from me. Did I do something wrong? Her smile had gone completely into a frown. “What’s wrong?” I asked of her concernedly. She shook her head slightly, like if something was nagging at her. “Elizabeth?” I asked again, my face now completely changed into worry.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” She finally managed to say. I knew she was struggling inside.
My head jerked back slightly at the words. What had I done wrong? It didn’t make sense. I was so sure she enjoyed being with me as much as I did with her. “I… have to get married in a month. It’s something my parents are making me do,” She continued on, shame was thick in her voice. A heavy sigh passed through me. I hadn’t thought much about the marriage lately. Nor the fact she didn’t even know she would be marrying me.
How much longer could I keep it from her? I certainly couldn’t let her walk away. I didn’t let her walk away at the ball, I wasn’t going to now. She opened her mouth to say something more at my silence. Instead, I raised my finger to her lips. “Hush,” I said quietly, “Answer me this question…” I took a deep breath and then finished, “Elizabeth, do you love me?...”
To Be Continued
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:10 PM
If Only A Petal Could Last
Part V of V
I looked tenderly into those pools of amber, Elizabeth’s eyes. I searched for her soul, the answer. Searched her for the same feeling that took over my heart and mind. Everyday I thought of her and saw her in my dreams. A feeling that told me she wanted to be held in my arms until our days grew short. I needed to know if she loved me.
At my question, she looked at me softly. If I could’ve melted into the water, I would’ve from her gaze. “Yes, I love you… Ever since our dance under the stars,” She spoke to me, she spoke with her heart and yet struggled. Undoubtly, she struggled because of the marriage.
I sighed slightly in relief. We held each other a little tighter while we stood in the water. Hesitation laid thick on me while I tried to decide what to say. She wasn’t allowed to know whom’s she marrying, but I couldn’t let her go.
Finally, I leaned down to her ear. Quietly, I whispered to her for several long moments. When I finally pulled away, I grinned wearily at the wide eye expression on her face. “Remember, don’t tell your parents,” I added gently. She looked at me completely different now. I could only pray she wouldn’t push me away for hiding it for so long. Feeling her arms slip away from me, I couldn’t object and watched as she hugged herself a moment. Eye contact with her broke as her gaze fell down.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” She asked quietly. I knew that was coming, but my stomach still turned in nervousness. Another soft sigh came from me. “I thought you wouldn’t look at me the same as other men and I wouldn’t get a chance,” I admitted, hanging my own head slightly. Maybe I was ruining my chance now, but I really couldn’t keep my identity from her forever. My eyes fell to my hands, which dangled in the water with Elizabeth no longer in my arms.
They looked so dirty there. Like if I had done a sin and couldn’t wash it from me. I had lied to her all this time, it was a sin. It would stain like blood and there was no way having undoing it. That sickness in my stomach grew stronger. I kept my gaze down until I saw her hands come towards mine. Gently, I held her hands as they slipped into mine. Looking up to her, she was gazing at me with so tender eyes.
“I don’t look at you the same as other men… Because you’re the only man I love,” She said softly. It felt like a pain had lifted from me hearing those words. So I had been right, she loves me back! A sigh of relief passed through me while closing my eyes. When they opened, I smiled lovingly at her. Then I couldn’t contain myself, I wrapped her in a tight embrace. I held her close, like if trying to hold her next to my heart so she could feel all my love for her.
“Yes, I love you… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner…” I whispered softly into her ear and ran my fingers through her damp hair. Quietly, I repeated my love for her over and over. I told her and shared my love for her that morning by the river…
I always thought that morning was our real marriage. The hairpin was the ring and the truth was finally revealed. She learned I was Marcus and who I was. It brought us closer than a couple, but a husband and wife. Even years after that we celebrated that morning as our anniversary instead of the wedding date arranged by our parents.
However, my dear Elizabeth is dead now… She died giving birth to our first child. We had tried for years for children, and before the babe could come out, she died. I lost the love of my life and only child that night. I’ve felt nothing but pain and sorrow since I saw her motionless form on the bed and the child that did not move in the nurse’s arms.
All I have left is the hairpin. The rose is black with wrinkled decay. The ribbons have faded and the decoration has fallen off. Silently, I wept as I stared down at it. Oh why? Why was she taken away from and not even our only child lived? Why couldn’t these petals last and remain bright like our youth?
Oh, why couldn’t those petals last like the sweet memories of my dear Elizabeth will?
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:10 PM
Reserved
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-07-2007, 09:22 PM
Open for posting. :3
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-08-2007, 11:12 PM
Part two is posted if anyone cares to read. xD
|
|
|
|
|
Majhra
\ (•◡•) /
|
|

05-09-2007, 09:10 PM
OMG Val! I cant wait till tomorow! I must know!!!!!!!!
Wow you sure do know how to write love stories
you have me in such suspence! I love it! I sure
hope you win! ^^
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-09-2007, 09:27 PM
Wow, I think you're the first comment I've gotten at all about it. xD I was getting a little worried.
To be honest, I believe this is the first short story I've ever written. ^_^;;
Thank you though, and you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens next. :P I'm sure it's not going to be quite what you expect.
|
|
|
|
|
Majhra
\ (•◡•) /
|
|

05-10-2007, 04:30 PM
Yay! Its tomorow ^^
I havent read it but I will now
Im dying to know what happens next
<33
-edit-
Aww its not up yet but Ill wait ^^
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-10-2007, 08:31 PM
Hehe sorry about that. xD New part is up now.
|
|
|
|
|
Aliena
(^._.^)ノ
|
|

05-10-2007, 08:34 PM
Very nice, Valedia! I can't wait for the last part! Really wonderful mixture of description and dialogue. You can really visualize everything that's taking place and I like that. :) And yet, it doesn't get bogged down in it all - flows very nicely. I only noticed one tiny little typo in the first part, it said he'd be getting "marred" in 3 months rather than getting married. And in that same paragraph of dialogue, I would break it up between people speaking, so each new person's response is in a new paragraph, for easier reading. I think there are a few instances in the third section too where two people's words would be in the same paragraph. That's just nitpicky, and I'm not English major, but I think that's a rule of thumb in writing so there's no confusion over who's saying what, even though you do specify.
I especially love the dialogue in the last part - the way they teased each other and were playful and then it got all serious.
All in all, wonderful entry! I hope you don't mind my little critique. It's very evident you've put a lot of effort into this and I think it's paying off! :)
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-10-2007, 08:37 PM
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Aliena
Very nice, Valedia! I can't wait for the last part! Really wonderful mixture of description and dialogue. You can really visualize everything that's taking place and I like that. :) And yet, it doesn't get bogged down in it all - flows very nicely. I only noticed one tiny little typo in the first part, it said he'd be getting "marred" in 3 months rather than getting married. And in that same paragraph of dialogue, I would break it up between people speaking, so each new person's response is in a new paragraph, for easier reading. I think there are a few instances in the third section too where two people's words would be in the same paragraph. That's just nitpicky, and I'm not English major, but I think that's a rule of thumb in writing so there's no confusion over who's saying what, even though you do specify.
All in all, wonderful entry! I hope you don't mind my little critique. It's very evident you've put a lot of effort into this and I think it's paying off! :)
|
Thanks for the heads up on the typo. ^_^;; I just realized I fixed it for the contest but I didn't fix it here.
And thanks, I try not to get too much into detail. :3 Otherwise it really slows the story down and makes it boring.
As far as the quotes go, I actually have a pet peeve of the opposite. xD I never really liked how the quotes were broken up like that. *Shrugs* I'm a weirdo.
Thanks for the input. :3
|
|
|
|
|
Aliena
(^._.^)ノ
|
|

05-10-2007, 08:40 PM
Heh heh...that's one complaint I have about some authors who are supposed to be really world-renowned and whatnot. They describe way too much. I'm one of those people who tend to kind of skim over the descriptive parts and just read the dialogue. But then, I discover I don't always realize what's going on later on because I miss important information!
I editted my last response because I was responding as you were posting the 4th part.
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-10-2007, 08:43 PM
Haha I do that sometimes too. xD Sometimes I've read books where a whole page is one paragraph describing a room. It's really boring and I tend to skim over it until I find something of interest. Sometimes I get lost, but eh, it's better than being bored out of my mind.
I got bored of the Eragon series like that. They over described too much in a lot of places, especially anything that was Dwarven or Elven.
Ooh yeah, the water scene. xD I just kind of ran with the idea and it all seemed to fit together.
|
|
|
|
|
Majhra
\ (•◡•) /
|
|

05-11-2007, 05:52 PM
oh....my....god!
why????
::sniffles::
Why must you make me cry in
such way?
::sniffles::
That's so beautiful and sad!
I was going to try for the hairpin
but I see there is no use now O.x
You are sure to win! ^^
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-11-2007, 10:00 PM
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Majhra
oh....my....god!
why????
::sniffles::
Why must you make me cry in
such way?
::sniffles::
That's so beautiful and sad!
I was going to try for the hairpin
but I see there is no use now O.x
You are sure to win! ^^
|
Hehe sorry. ^_^;; I didn't mean to make anyone cry.
I just thought it would be a nice way of ending the story. (Well not literally nice)
Thank you very much. :3 I hope I win too.
|
|
|
|
|
Winnsome
(◎_◎;)
|
|

05-13-2007, 06:42 PM
Lovely story!
This reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean for some reason xD
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-13-2007, 10:43 PM
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Winnsome
Lovely story!
This reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean for some reason xD
|
It does? xD
I can only think of the Elizabeth name relation.
|
|
|
|
|
Winnsome
(◎_◎;)
|
|

05-13-2007, 10:56 PM
And the swordfightingness.
And aggressive male character. xDD
But yeah, no pirates, so nothing there. (:
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-13-2007, 10:57 PM
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Winnsome
And the swordfightingness.
And aggressive male character. xDD
But yeah, no pirates, so nothing there. (:
|
Ooh I see. xD
Wait, aggressive? o.O Marcus is aggressive? xDDD
|
|
|
|
|
Winnsome
(◎_◎;)
|
|

05-13-2007, 11:03 PM
And possessiveee xDD
Well, my point of view. x]
A character can be interperated in many ways. x]
|
|
|
|
|
Vixen with a Vendetta
(。・ω・&...
|
|

05-13-2007, 11:06 PM
He's possesive and aggressive? :3 Do tell. I'm really interested in hearing this.
|
|
|
|
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests) |
|
|
|