"Yeah, I know, I know. I know I'm being stupid, but it's one of those moments where it's like I can't help myself. Either way, I'm gonna have to let the pieces fall as they may. Even if I end up moving out, it's not like we'll just stop seeing each other tomorrow. We'll still have to live together for a bit," he stared up as his ceiling as he spoke, eyes going unfocused as he stared at the whiteness above him, "I think, I'm fine. It's not like I'm gonna do anything stupid. I may throw myself at some schoolwork cuz I don't think I'm gonna sleep any time soon. Or I may just stare at ceiling for a few hours, but it's not like I can't be at least somewhat okay with this. Because as much as this sucks, it's still better than pretending everything is okay and tiptoeing around each other? Isn't it?" Uncertainty crept into his voice at the end, but only slightly, because his head knew the answer, even if his heart may doubt it.

Ciel hummed, agreeing even though he couldn't bring himself to say so in words. Everything about this situation was stupid and Ciel felt bad for being involved even in a slight way. It was strange for him to feel that way and he stared at his empty glass, at a loss. "Yeah, okay. Just call me any time you want to talk about it. I'll be busy all next week with a play, but I'll get back to you, okay? I gotta look after my friends!" he added, pride rising in his voice again, at least for a second. It did little to lift the dreary mood between them though. "Is it alright if I hang up now?"

"Yeah, you can go. and thanks Ciel, I'll figure this out." With that, Shane threw his phone down on the pillow next to him and just stared up at the ceiling. He really only could see one course of action to take. But cutting Quinn out of his life was was so utterly undesirable that he really didn't want to ponder it. Not for the first time, he cursed himself for falling for his straight roommate. He'd known it was dumb, but his heart didn't listen. With a frustrated groan, he pushed up from his bed knowing there was no point in wallowing, so he might as well be productive. He'd put all his frustration into getting ahead on his schoolwork if nothing else. Maybe if he pretended enough none of this happened it would somehow fix itself. A fool's dream perhaps, but Shane could hope.

Ciel sighed as the line went dead, leaving him in a silence he didn't quite know what to do with. He suggested this himself, but that didn't stop the headache that it left behind. "I'm really an idiot aren't I...?" he muttered to the silence then finally got up, deciding that he might as well get ready for bed. Otherwise, he might end up wallowing himself and this wasn't even his problem. What a mess.

~~~

Late that night, Quinn lay on an unfamiliar couch, the slow turn of a fan offering no cool breeze, just a modem for the exact same thoughts. What a mess. So why, why couldn't he stop this from happening? As he slipped into sleep long after the apartment went quiet, a strange dream began, throwing his heart even more in turmoil.

The following days were a blur for Shane. Nothing really happening to distinguish one moment from the other. He took to studying in the library to not have to deal with the stifling emptiness of their apartment. It's perhaps the most on top of his assignments Shane's been in months, throwing himself at his work and pretending nothing's going wrong in his life. In his weaker moments, he finds himself berating himself for letting this effect him so much. They weren't even dating. But Quinn was still his best friend.

He tried hanging out with some of his engineering friends a few times in the wake, but most of them were just classmates. And it didn't really fill in the empty whole Quinn had left in his life. Even if those friends could tell something was off, no one asked, and really the only person he knew who seemed to care was Ciel. But Ciel's brand of comfort wasn't what Shane wanted. Honestly, he just wanted Quinn back home and for his heart to stop aching. But that was probably asking too much.

Mid-afternoon after a shift at the convenience store, Quinn lay sprawled across his friend's couch, lost in a light, but still vivid sleep. Just like in previous nights, the image of Shane's face painted in passion haunted his every dream. Today, a blonde boy built like Michaelangelo's David whispered sweet words in Shane's ear. A groan sounded and even in Quinn's sleep, he felt his stomach twist. He wanted to scream, 'Stop it' so many times, but no sound came out. He was nothing more than a fly on the wall for something he didn't want to watch.

"...inn. Hey, Quinn!" a voice filtered through until finally, Quinn shot up on the couch, rubbing his eyes with vigor. Rimmed in red, his lack of solid sleep showed clearly. Seeing his friend, Quinn forced a bright smile onto his face. The other boy frowned, not buying it in the least. "Do you seriously hate that guy so much that you need to wake up looking tortured every time?" he finally sighed, face softening.

Quinn frowned, thinking he hid his disgust better and the way that the dream lingered in an obsessive way. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about Shane in that way. Maybe he just needed to know why. Why did it have to guys with him? "Sorry. It's not that. I'm just tired you know, since I worked such an early shift."

"Right..." The other boy shook his head. "I care about your troubles and all, but I was wondering, just how long do you intend to stay? My ma was going to come over next weekend."

Wincing, Quinn shook his head as much in answer as to clear the fog inside it. "Next week, I promise. I know I can't put this off any longer," he answered. Nodding once, his friend turned away to leave him to his nap. Quinn pulled his computer onto his lap in the returning solitude, going first to the blog he posted last night, wondering what answers might come his way.

As the days started trickling in towards a week and then it almost felt like two weeks, Shane began to wonder if Quinn was ever planned on returning to their apartment. He'd still paid his portion of the monthly rent on time, so it wasn't like he completely planned on living Shane hanging. But still, it seemed a long time to be gone with no hint of returning. And while, Shane maintained the fight itself had been necessary. He wasn't going to let Quinn walk over him like that; he still in some corner of his heart hoped that it could be fixed easily. Quinn would come back and they'd pick back up right where they were before this whole mess.

And it was like the longer that Quinn was the way the harder time he had focusing on everything. He'd be reading a text book and his mind would replay some innocuous moment to him, or drop him right back in the middle of that bar and that horrible, horrible moment. It kept circling back and as such his focus was shot. And here he thought Quinn could be distracting when they were getting along. Clearly, knowing all was well between them, was a better motivator than Shane had initially thought.

Shane sighed, he'd been laying on the couch for a couple hours now, having given up on studying, he just wanted a sense of normal back in his life.

That Friday, Quinn found himself sitting across from Jamie at the local Starbucks, feeling a different sort of off-centered than the entirety of last week. Of all the people he expected to call, his ex-girlfriend was not it. And yet here he was, idly stirring sugars into an iced coffee. "So..." she started, clearing her throat. "Did you have something to say or did you just feel too lonely drinking coffee by yourself?"

Quinn jumped, splashing a few droplets of the coffee onto his hand. Jamie raised an eyebrow. "Ah, what? No, I did have something to say. I'm probably stupid for talking to you though." He offered an almost impish grin, but it fell flat and he knew it. Quickly giving up on the niceties, he continued. "Me and Shane have had a real big falling out and it’s messed me up real bad. I can’t stop thinking about it and him, and not in the ways I imagined. I started a blog about it and everything, just trying to get advice.” He shook his head, still baffled by the turn of events. It was strange to think how much he changed when next to Shane, but when talking to Jamie, it seemed like he didn’t change at all. It was just that one tiny thing that wasn’t tiny at all that changed.

Jamie sat up straighter in her chair, dark eyes widening just briefly. “That’s surprising. You two? I almost thought I couldn’t come between you and we dated! Or something like that,” she muttered under her breath. She tightened her grip on the green tea frappacino she drank, but a second later, sunk back into her seat. “But whatever. It’s been practically a month now! We probably weren’t ever dating in the first place. Now, tell me about you and Shane. It must have been real bad if you two fell out like this.”

“Yeah…” Quinn trailed off, dragging a hand through his short dark hair. He felt glad that Jamie got over how they ended things. He didn’t even know what to expect when they met up again, if maybe she still held hard feelings. And yet, he still couldn’t meet her eye. Just admitting his faults to another person clawed at his insides in a way he wasn’t used to, perhaps because nothing embarrassed him quite like this. “I saw him with his boyfriend and I just kinda lost it. I was so angry and disgusted; guess I’m homophobic after all. I can’t stop thinking about Shane and that guy though. I just…god!” Letting out a groan, he dropped his head into his hands.

Jamie sat back, her hand falling to the table’s black surface. “The fuck did you say? Homophobic? Quinn, the friend of all, is homophobic?” She let out a snort, drawing Quinn’s eye once again. Did she plan to make fun of his problems? He supposed he deserved it for breaking up with her. Jamie just leveled a stern look at him though and crossed her arms. “You are such an oblivious walnut.”

“What?” The statement knocked Quinn off balance so that he couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose, forgetting all about the worry he wallowed in a second earlier.

Huffing with disdain, Jamie shook her head. “You really haven’t noticed it at all have you? Oh Quinn…have you considered that you like him?” It looked as plain as day to her and she didn’t even know the whole story. But Quinn being homophobic? That was too much of a joke. “Because, rewind, you had gay friends in college. So, do you hate seeing all guys together or do you just hate seeing Shane with other guys?” Sitting back in her seat with her point made, she took a long drink of her frappacino.

Quinn, on the other hand, nearly fell out of his seat. “L-like Shane?!” No, that couldn’t be it. He would know. Shane would know. Someone would know something if all this time he just…misinterpreted his disgust. Before he could stop himself, he already pushed back his chair, reeling for a second. “You’re insane, Jamie. Just…nevermind. It was nice to see you and all, but I’ve got to go.” For a second, he stood there, then spun away, not hearing Jamie call after him.

“At least take your iced coffee with you! Oh well, maybe Parker will want it…”

At his friend’s apartment, Quinn flew from room to room, throwing everything into his bag. It had been too long since he started free-loading here and he needed to think and talk, and mostly think. Less than an hour after storming out of the coffee shop, Quinn parked in front of his and Shane’s apartment. Would he be home now? Probably. Not quite daunted by the thought, Quinn walked inside, calling out with a new weird sensation bubbling up inside of him.

“Shane?”

Shane about fell of the couch when the door opened; he'd apparently dozed off at some point, which really went with how listless he was feeling. Really it wasn't surprising, sleep was as good a way to pass the time as any other. What was surprising was the fact that the door to their apartment had just opened, which meant Quinn had apparently returned.

When that realization settled in, Shane actually fell off the couch in his rush to move toward the entrance of the apartment. Stumbling over his feet, he rushed toward the door, eyes wide. "Wow, you're actually here..."he said, not sure he fully believed it. Though once those words were out, he stared dumbly. Not sure how to proceed. Not sure what Quinn was here for. Maybe he was just here to grab some more stuff and leave. Not even wanting to see Shane at all.

For a second, Quinn just stared at Shane with as much shock and confusion as the other man. Looking at him now, it seemed so strange. The feelings of disgust didn't rush at him, but he didn't feel like he just looked at his best friend either. What he did feel? Quinn couldn't even guess. Jamie's words sat in the front of his mind, making him wonder. But was this feeling 'special?' For the first time in his life, Quinn realized he had no idea what that felt like.

"Ah...yeah," he started, sounding less eloquent than his thoughts and even those were a mess. "I guess I just heard something that made me think and now..." I love you? A flush rushed across his face, completely out of place for the conversation. Quinn turned away, trying to hide it as he dragged a hand through his short spikes that he never bothered to style that morning. "I don't really know why I'm here. I guess to make sure I'm wrong, or I'm right. Not sure which actually, not that it matters to you since you have no idea what I'm talking about anyway..." He trailed off, muttering under his breath. Seriously, what was he doing here? Now Shane would just think he turned even weirder than before.

Shane stared at Quinn as he launched into the ramble, his eyes getting progressively wider with each word the other spoke. He blinked several times, still not fully believing that the other male was in front of him. And apparently wanted to talk. Not that Shane could make head or tails of what the other was trying to say. But it was clearly something.

"Quinn, Quinn," he said, trying to cut the other off, because he wasn't understanding a single word the other was saying. He didn't get what he was trying to imply.

"You're not making any sense," he said, when it seems the other had trailed off, running out of words or steam, "Quinn, why are you here?" he asked, trying to keep the demand out of his voice. He needed an answer; he needed to know how he should react. If he needed to shove Quinn out of his life forever, or if they could restore that which had broken between them.

"I just said I don't know why," Quinn huffed back, sounding irritated though he didn't mean to. He was just thinking through a lot right now and he didn't need anyone questioning it, demanding answers. He didn't have answers. Groaning, he stalked a couple of steps away then turned back to look Shane in the eye. "I came because I needed to see you. It's nothing any more complicated than that. I just...you know I'm working things out still. Jamie called me oblivious though so maybe I am. I don't know." He threw up his hands, already feeling like this conversation couldn't go anywhere. Maybe he should just leave, pretend none of this ever happened. He just didn't know if he could forget Jamie's words either.

"...I don't think I should have come."

"Yeah maybe, you shouldn't have," Shane muttered, the hope from seeing Quinn turning to ash in his chest. Clearly, this wasn't gonna be some reunion, "You needed to see me. That's rich." he muttered, unable to keep the bite out of his words. The hurt and confusion flaring up bright and hot. "Cuz last I knew you hated my guts and who I am, so I don't know why you needed to see this. If you didn't want to fix this, why are you here?" Each word came out more bitter and sharper than the last, Shane unable, and uncaring, to keep the venom from his voice. "What, just needed to prove you still hate me?"

Quinn tensed even as his heart dropped at Shane's words. He turned his gaze away, his own hurt coloring his face. Although he didn't know what he wanted by coming here, he didn't expect to be met with so much hostility considering he came here trying to place things back together again, not make them worse. He just...didn't know how better to say the answers to the questions he only just now started asking. "I don't hate you," he muttered back, the words coming out both bitter and defeated. His shoulders slumped. "If that were the problem, I wouldn't have come back would I? But I'm too stupid. I can't say a single thing yet. Sorry." Biting out the last word with a quiet voice, Quinn turned on his heel. Even if it wasn't for the reason that Shane thought, he really shouldn't have come here. So, without another word, he walked back out the door, unable to look back even if that was the one thing he most wanted to do.

"What the FUCK?" Shane shouted after Quinn, but not moving to chase after him, rooted to the spot by the sheer confusion of what had just happened. Quinn didn't hate him? But then what the hell had that been the other night. Certainly not jealousy, right? Like that'd be crazy if it was something like that. No, it couldn't be. Quinn just didn't hate him. Shane personally. Didn't mean he didn't still have an issue with homosexuality. Shane didn't know what else to believe, and the other just running out moments after returning. Well, it really didn't fix anything either.

Shane moved from the spot by the door where he was rooted by increments. Closing the door Quinn had left wide open, before going back to collapse on the couch. Just staring straight ahead, trying to process this. And trying not to let some crazy stupid hopeful part of his brain wonder if it really could have been jealousy. Shane had far too much common sense to believe that, even if his heart fluttered slightly at the thought.

He contemplated calling Ciel, wanting to bad mouth Quinn some, but he just didn't have the spirit for it. Oh, well, there wasn't anything for it. If anything could be fixed, it was all on Quinn now.

Quinn slammed his hand into the steering wheel, surprising himself with the burst of violence. Apologizing and rubbing his hand with a whiny face, he sighed. Even after driving for ten minutes, he still felt restlessness crawling under his skin like termites, tiny, vicious termites. He finally had to pull into a parking lot just so he didn't drive himself crazy. Plus, he didn't know where he was going considering his stupid self thought things would be fine when he went back home and didn't want to go back to his friend's place after packing up. The guy wanted to spend time with his mum, so who was Quinn to step in the way of that?

"I'm going completely insane..." Unlocking his phone, he swiped down to Jamie's number, listening to it ring only a few times before she answered. "Hey," Quinn started after her own short greeting. "Do you think I could spend the night just once?" At least that way, he might understand what insanity crossed through Jamie's mind to start this all in the first place.

Shane hadn't really been working on school work before Quinn arrived, having long since drifted away from it, but his mood perfectly soured now. He decided to just head to bed toward the evening. Who cared if it was a little early. He'd browse through his phone, through Reddit, for awhile if he couldn't fall asleep. But he certainly wasn't gonna be productive anymore. Or pretend like he was trying to be either.

Sighing as he finished changing and showering for the night, he collapsed onto his bed in his pajamas. Tomorrow, he'd work to start moving on from this slump with Quinn. He didn't know what exactly that meant yet, if that meant looking for a new apartment. Or going out to drink with Ciel again. Or what. But come tomorrow, he was moving forward, he wad done wallowing, waiting for things to miraculously get better.

The very next evening, Quinn stood outside of his and Shane's apartment again. It turned out that staying with Jamie even one night was enough to drive a man inside. Not that she tried of course, but she'd latched onto this idea of hers so that in the glowing light the computer screen they hovered over together, looking at his blog, he couldn't ignore her questions.

"Hey, why are you still doubting this? You don't mind if we watch some gay porn right? Okay, cool. You finished reading this already, anyway." Just like that, Jamie minimized the window with all the hate and advice that anonymous users had sent him about this dilemma. Except, the more he posted about it, the more the users started to follow the same path that Jamie already had. Apparently, Jamie already prepared for this line of questioning too since some DVD she'd bought was already loaded onto the computer. Quinn couldn't protest. He wanted to, but as the movie began to play, he found himself no longer able to look away.

"Damn that Jamie," Quinn scoffed to the darkening sky, kicking a small rock back into the path that ran in front of their building. He was lost at this point and he knew it though. He'd questioned too much, began to doubt his self so that he needed to confirm his thoughts out loud. Shane may have pushed him out yesterday, but Quinn was back to try again. This time, he would stay until they figured it out.

That thought steeling his resolve, Quinn pushed open the door with a large smile plastered on his face that didn't match the frantic beat of his heart. "Shane? You home?" He raised a large plastic bag. "Got tacos."

Shane had actually had a pretty decent day. Sure, he still had moments where he spaced out and lost track of his thoughts. But he'd been more honestly productive on his schoolwork than he'd been since this whole fiasco started. He'd even completed one of his projects that was due at the end of the semester. Sure, he probably would still need to tweak it a bit, but the basic work was laid down for him to finish off closer to when the projects were due. He'd even made decent headway on starting another.

However, he knew all that was derailed the moment he heard their apartment door open again. It seemed Quinn had returned. And with the shout that he'd brought tacos, apparently he'd arrived with something of a peace offering in hand. Shane stared out into the living room of their apartment for several seconds before moving. He didn't know what to expect or what the conversation that was clearly coming would lead to. But he'd only find out by greeting his roommate. He walked into the living room, "Um... yeah, I'm here. What do you want?" Just because he was curious didn't mean he had to make this easy on Quinn.

Quinn's resolved faltered before he set the tacos on the kitchen table, forcing the smile back onto his face. He missed this table and eating meals across from Shane even it comprised of nothing more than a pepperoni pizza. And even more than that, he missed Shane. "I suppose I've given you a reason to sound so cold with me, but I just....I wanted to eat these tacos with you. The chicken ones are your favorite right?" He took a couple of the foil wrapped tacos from out of the bag, offering them to Shane. He wasn't sure he could achieve any answers for himself or for Shane tonight, but he knew he had to try again. "Besides, we need to talk for real. Last time, emotions were too high so I slept on it and I hope you did too." Eyes dropping to the table, he couldn't quite meet Shane's gaze. There was something about it that drove him absolutely insane right now.

"I've had nothing to do but sleep on it Quinn," Shane said, staring at the tacos, but not taking them. Not sure he was ready to accept this peace offering just yet. He stared at Quinn, "Do you even understand how awful that night was? How awful this whole thing has been for me?" His voice was tired as he spoke, their was no anger, just resignation, "Just put yourself in my shoes for a second. For you to react like that? It was devastating. You're not supposed to be homophobic Quinn. You're supposed to be one of the last people would expect that from. You were certainly one of the last I expected it from. So I don't get it. Why are you here trying to apologize at all? Why should I accept that apology, would it really change anything?"

Quinn stared down at the tacos, continuing to deflate. Finally, he just dropped them back to the table. He didn't know what to do. The food should have bought himself time, stayed this conversation a little longer so he could figure out himself what to say. He hadn't reached a conclusion yet; did he love Shane or not? He wished it could feel as clear cut as in the movies. Shouldn't this be obvious?

"Damn," he finally sighed, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. Still unable to meet Shane's eye, Quinn dropped into a chair, weaving his fingers together before dropping his head on top. "I still can't get the words out right. But it's not that I just came here to apologize though. If it was just that, I wouldn't bother!" Snapping his mouth shut, Quinn bit his lip, raising his eyes just slightly to gauge Shane's reaction. "...I came because I think I was wrong..."

Shane collapsed in the chair opposite of Quinn, "You.. realized.. you were wrong?" Shane asked, sounding out the words as if perhaps he could find some sort of clarity in them. Get at whatever meaning Quinn was failing to get across. "What are you trying to say? Of course you were wrong. So I can't think even your dense enough to mean just that. But I don't know what you mean. And I really don't want to just play games and dance around whatever your trying to say. Why can't you just spit it out?" He implored. "Please, just tell me why you're really here?" Just the exposure to Quinn again, was making it hard for Shane to full stay angry. Especially since Quinn did seem to be struggling with something.

Quinn clenched his jaw, irritation flaring up again, though as much at himself as at Shane. Why couldn't he get this message across? Of course he didn't mean 'wrong' just in a moral sense. "That's not it," he huffed, the irritation making his words come out stronger, without any kind of filter. Not even the filter he didn't consciously use. "I mean that I was wrong about thinking I'm homophobic! That every time I saw you with another guy, I got angry. I got ill. That's what I thought, right, but I was wrong! It's only you that I don't like kissing other guys!"

Shane leaned back in his chair and stared at Quinn for several long moments. That glimmer of something like hope flaring up again, bright and hot. Had that crazy thought of jealousy really been right? Shane had dismissed it so quickly. Because why would Quinn be jealous? It didn't make sense. "Quinn... what are you trying to say?" he asked again, but this time his words were softer. As if he could believe this was going someplace else besides their friendship ending. "Why just me?" He started to reach out to Quinn, wanting to touch him, wondering if that would make it easier for him to spit out whatever he meant, but he aborted the motion. His hand just resting on the table instead.