It'll be a blast!

Man, the weekend went by far too quickly. I have sweet potatoes and garlic roasting in the oven, which I'll use to make a mash. Steak is ready to cook whenever. I'll probably make a salad to go on the side.

In the meantime, I'll pretend it's not Sunday evening. >_>

I want to pretend it really is Thursday evening, every evening. Well every couple of evenings, and it will just forever be the weekend. xD

But I was like that all last night. A bittersweet feeling. I'm looking forward to finishing up work in an hour and a half..it's been super busy. >_>

I need to finish up my work before tomorrow, come to think of it. I won't have time to get my time sheet done tomorrow due to all the client visits. Raugh. Gotta do the dishes first though I guess!

I noticed you were looking for the nutella pinwheel pop, I'd be willing to sell mine for the price you mentioned.

Thanks for the offer, but I managed to snag one a while ago. I forgot to delete it from my list. Whoops!

lol Okay,

Gah.

I need to get things off my chest, in hopes it will help me sleep better tonight. I've been kind of been looking through my finances and I'm just kind of feeling a bit ill. We currently have $40 between us, and we have that thing Tuesday. We need $10 for parking ($8 actually, but rounding) and I Have the $45 in credit for dinner, but will need to keep in mind a tip. Plus I don't know if we will have enough in gas to get us there and back.

Aaron might get paid that day, however last week it wasn't until Wednesday. If one thing were to go wrong we may not be able to go. The even sadder part is I don't know a single person I feel even remotely comforable loaning $50 from, nor do I think my friends would have it.

Then I start thinking well I have to pay house payment, lot rent and Electricity out of my paycheck. I'm expecting $700 after taxes. I'm behind a month in house payment so I have to pay more than usual to catch up and there is no way I can miss lot rent. Two more times of being late this year she can legally evict us (because our payment for Janurary was post marked on the 2nd instead of 1st...seriously). I also have a mandatory payment for the electricity of $45 before the 6th and car insurance which is $100. That's $750. Aaron will get probably $250 after child support and taxes. OK now nothing has been factored in for gas or groceries. There's no way I can talk him into not getting the kids this weekend either. I'm thinking of putting in overtime, even though I mentally need the break from work. I've been literally eating a bowl of cereal for lunch, a cup of Ramen for lunch and then whatever Aaron scrapes together for dinner. Not hardly anything.

I'm also anxious as ever as Aaron is behind $1k in child support and then there's the balloon payment of $1k for the house payment already earmarked from our tax returns...that is IF we even get that much.

It is my 30th this year and usually I do something for myself for my birthday, but the way things are going I'm too worried about cutting corners and scraping together to make ends meet. At least we gave up smoking for good. I think I may need to not pay our cellphone bills now again for awhile until we're caught up.

*sighs* I really badly want to do something for my anxiety to help me sleep, but if I do that the quality of sleep will more than likely suffer. I'm just sitting up right now in a pretty much circle of depression and there's nothing I can do at the moment.

I keep on waiting for something catastrophic to happen at any time though, and wishing I had better prepared myself for it. I intentionally wanted to hold onto some money from mom's Christmas gift but of course we got all wrapped up in that bullshit that that never happened.

I want to tell myself perhaps moving into my parents' house would be beneficial. Not give up on our house here, but until we can get some shit straightened with our bills and just get into a holding pattern. Doing that, though, Aaron may never find permanent employment and it's just a matter of time before my mother and I are at eachother's throats.

Ugh.

OK rant is over and I think I'm going to cry some here to myself and try to sleep. Not having a good night as I'm letting my anxiety and depression get the better of me. I have that feeling that any sort of change is more than just a single step and is going to require time and patience above what I can muster.

i totally know how you feel.
i wish i could go to sleep just one night without doing finances in my head
i hope things work out, Izumi, i truly do.
do a little something for yourslef,
birthday's are special, like you!

I'm trying to chill out. I was in a pretty bad mood this morning, as I drifted off in a drug-induced sleep and was woken up by my husband at 5:30 this morning to tell me how bad the roads were. I couldn't sleep until he texted me he had gotten to work safe, which was at 7:30. I drifted off for another two hours only to have a dream that my brother was still alive, came back to my parents house for the day and then magically disappear with no forwarding address. I was searching the house frantically for every scrap of paper trying to find his friend's phone number or his cellphone number trying to find him, worried and in a panic. I remember dialing my cellphone once I noticed that there were some unplayed messages and on the 25th (a couple days ago) late at night he had called from a cellphone number and left a message sounding very upset saying he loved me and my parents and that we were the best...the call ended and I immediately knew he was dead. I then woke up and felt physically ill.

This is strange as he has not been in my dreams for awhile. For awhile i was having series of dreams where he would show up. Sometimes it would be happy, and he said he faked his death to evade the law and his benchwarrant and it was like going from feeling the depths of despair to pure elation. Then there were the dreams where I dreamt he had two differnet identities. (Kind of like in Xenogears and Fei's Id, Super Ego, and what not...whatever Freud called them) One was the older him, very emo and withdrawn. The other was a smaller child, probably about 5 years old and was very child like and was the complete polar opposite of him. I don't remember the exact storyline as it was just like everyday life and these two versions of him were considered 'normal'. Then I'd have the ones where I'm reliving the whole scenario of him dying and just dealing with the aftermath. Most of my dreams have been psychological nightmares and leave me feeling very sad and withdrawn feeling until I can shake it off.

It's strange as Aaron says that his dreams of his dad (who shot himself too) were more about dealing with the ashes and he would spread them out and evil hideous things would grow. He said he didn't relive the death, or dreams of him coming back to life...it was all the after effects.

Anyways, I started off working feeling pretty rough. I've somehow talked myself down out of it and I'm feeling ok. I think part of it is just that mid day feeling, where you just have to tough it out for a couple more hours kind of feeling.

And the money thing will work out...somehow. Right now I'm feeling rather bipolar at the moment. I'm feeling fairly energetic and more my normal self now. Last night and this morning I was pretty down though. I've had moments where I've burst out in tears for no particular reason. It's just strange. I'm not quite sure what to pinpoint it on...as I have had this wacky behavior before smoking and smoking maybe intensified my moodieness with the nicotine withdrawls but I should be past that.

Anyways, sorry for harping on your thread. It feels SO good to just let it out though in the open. I really don't care who reads it. I'm almost thinking of doing my own thread where I can just rant when I want as I find it a theraputic release...maybe try to concentrate on it there so it isn't seeping into other aspects of my life. I'm really shitty at compartmentilizing my life....

Are you still feeling a bit better? It doesn't sound like there are easy answers to what's going on. Hang in there. :(

I think I'm feeling alright. It feels like a relief to get through today. Work was a bit stressful, and I ended up digging out a half spent soggy clove cigarette I had left. It felt SO good. I may have to scrap $5 to buy another pack to have some one hand when I can't do anything else stronger due to needing to be functioning for work.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, as long as we can pull it off. Also the first two hours I get to focus on one person at a time to try to incorporate some of the things we talked about in our meeting tonight. I'm excited to do that. Apprehensive because I have two hours to really change up a few things. I can do it though.

The money stuff...will take time. My brother, will just take more time. It's gotten better with time. It will never be ideal, nothing in my life ever has been...but it will be live-able, and I'm 'functioning'....so said the psychiatrist who evaluated me years ago.

It's coming up to that time of year, isn't it... March? It may be harder to deal with that time frame. I wish I had answers to the money dilemma. I think you nailed it on the head though. If you move, your finances would be better, and eventually you'd be half insane due to your mother. It's a pro versus con decision for sure. There's a lot of benefit to more money, but sanity has its costs too.

I did some work from home tonight. I'm only doing one day a week as a case manager, and today the needs were through the roof. I'll be doing calls on and off the rest of the week while interning. Juggling it is difficult, but I can survive six or seven more months.

It sure is coming up to that time of year, and I think just like Aaron it will be painful for a few years... It literally took Aaron about 10 years dealing with the anniversary of it before he felt like he could celebrate New Years like a normal person. (That was the date it happened...) It seems people with suicidal tendancies tend to pick dates of significance. A friend I know lost a brother on July 4th to suicide, and then her own Father years later the beginning of October. I'm not sure the significance of that date...possibly a birthdate? March 4th was my brother's 23rd birthday. I felt horrible as I hadn't gotten a card out in the mail, and when my mother initially phoned me she wanted to know if Aaron was there as she didn't want to break the news while I was by myself. I told her we had to go grocery shopping that night, and by the time we got back I was expecting Joe to have already started his shift. I told her to please pass on the message that I wish him a happy birthday and I loved him, and was thinking of him. She must of had the hardest time trying to hold back the tears when I said that.

*sighs*

Also, my half day of work wasn't very pleasant. Nothing bad has happened, but in the same token it wasn't good either. My manager let me try to pratice my soft skills just one customer at a time (rather than multiple like we do) to see if I could strengthen some of my word choice and make a difference in my customer satisfaction scores. Well everyone that came in this morning was very moody, and to top it off had issues I couldn't resolve. It felt like all the extra effort I had tried to put forth on sounding happy and willing to help kind of went down the drain, along with my spirit. Then to make matters worse, I felt rather disconnected from everyone at work. I'm very lonely these days...people at work just tend to want to stay work orientated, where I desperately want to sit and chat and make friends inbetween my work. It seems like no one else enjoys my enthusiasum.

I'm going to go ahead and get ready for my big night tonight, and I'm going to get myself pumped up for it. I'm not going to let situational stuff with work, finances, and just my overall mood be a buzzkill as this is probably going to be the closest thing to a vacation or just a life experience I'm going to have for some time. Unless you count visiting my parents.

I'm totally on you about my mom and my sanity...she's really made strides in changing her attitude and is much more approachable these days. I think all the hardship of loosing my brother, and then later on the year losing her dad, has really softened her. Her mother has disowned her, and living with her younger sister who is a nutcase and worse off because of it (the sister self harms and they have tried to do everything up to and including electric shock therapy for her, and the mother has been suffering from bipolar depression for years and has not made any headway to improve as far as I know.) You know the more that I know about my mom, the more compassion I seem to have. Her dad pretty much wrote her and her sister off when he divorced her mom, and it shows. He died and left only a small fraction of his wealth to her and her sister (the brother passed away a few years back due to a heart attack-- he lived with her dad, and they were closer so I'm sure the situation would of been far different if he was still alive) and the rest was left to other extended relatives, including her step-mother's niece who was made executor of estate! What a slap in the face that would of been...however I can understand, as just like me she has even harder time in being financially responsible and has already blown through her money buying a new car, clavinova, and iPad....amongst other things.

God I'm so sorry for weighing you down. You're probably dealing with people with far more debilitating issues, and here I am airing my dirty laundry to you. I guess if nothing else you are a friend first, but you're also very level headed and also have been training for this type of stuff. Out of all the people I know I feel like I can come to you and you'll either offer emotional support or maybe another perspective. I know I didn't really heed your advice about the whole baby thing, but the more I observe myself and my surroundings the more it just wouldn't of been right. I am still on a quest to try and find my personal happiness, that I do not have the ability to emotionally provide for another human being to that level, nor do I have the financial backing. I yearn for a child out of almost an instinctual urge, which just isn't right...not to Aaron, not to the kids...or my family, either, with their issues.

---------- Post added 01-29-2013 at 02:27 PM ----------

You know what frustrates me about myself the most? I feel like I am intelligent. Maybe this is just me with a big ego, and I'm not...but either way I feel like I live a wasted life. I'm merely trying to survive, and I don't feel like when it is all said and done I can look back at the sum of all its parts and say that it was worthwhile....That I served a purpose.

OK now to pull the happy face out of the drawer, and get made up to enjoy the night. I need to desperately learn to compartmentalize my feelings and situations better. I fear my emotional intelligence is probably fairly low. I just don't get it on an emotional level, and I find myself forever feeling very defensive and overanalyzing EVERYTHING. How in the hell does one stop?

OK leaving...really....I'm going!

i don't think any life is wasted, Izumi.
you show love to your husband and his children.
not every woman can do that.
i think you are amazing.

Thanks hummy. :) I try to do my best.

By the way, last night was amazing. We both had a really good time. I sat through the first couple of arrangements shakings and sobbing, but it was kind of just my emotions feeling overwhelmed. It was surreal. Here I was listening to music I grew up with being played by a full symphony and just being there while it being played live was just amazing. Also, a couple of songs made me feel weepy because I remember playing them with my brother, and he would of loved to have gone too.

I wrote a reply with my phone on Tuesday, which apparently never made it. D:<

tl;dr, hang in there

I hate it when that happens. >_<

I'm alright today. Enjoying my weekend.

I took a "mental health day" to be with Terra. My clients had canceled beforehand due to weather and personal issues, so I would have just sat reading all day. I can do that stuff from home and still get credit, so... why not? Terra had a hard week.

So, I suppose I'm also enjoying my weekend. I'm going to do a lot of cooking this weekend. Can't wait. ^-^

That's a cool thing that you can do that and not be penalized. That sucks that most employers if you would of called in sick with the pretenses of having a 'mental health day', they'd not take it too well. Sometime I think that is definitely what we all need, whether we have been diagnosed with an illness ourselves.

Part of me thinks we all have a little mental instability in us all. Just it varies to certain degrees....

If I've EVER been certain of anything, it's that every single person could be diagnosed with something. Hell, I know what mine would be. I dislike the DSM but understand its purpose. Still, I go by the "functioning level" that someone holds in terms of what diagnosis I see.

Yeah, I get to do my internship (unpaid) hours from home, depending on what it is. I'm going to be making my own curriculum from scratch to teach an anti-anxiety/mindfulness course. I wasn't able to start yet, but... there's tomorrow and Sunday!

Ohhhh please pass me some notes on that if you don't mind, as I'm very interested. :3

I think I'm starting to mellow out a little bit more with time and I'm not quite as mellowdramatic, but I have my moments. I guess the more tough stuff I survive the more I realize I'm tougher than I give myself credit for. I just wish I could not be quite so anxious and emotional. Kinda like the depression, Aaron says you just quit being that way. It isn't quite that easy. :/

Do you have $10 to spare? I'll be using a book as a guideline, one that I read in undergrad but need to re-read. It's been three or four years since reading it.

Nah, depression is much more than that. I don't think you can "quit", that implies you can control it as easy as a light switch turns on and off. There are ways to battle depression, but it's kind of a double-edged sword when you're too depressed TO do things that would help. I have one client right now that's in a huge funk, and she bounces back between periods of time where she exercises and eats right (thus feels well), then it'll be a bad swing and it all falls apart again.

She kind of sounds like me in a way. I tend to go through cycles like that.

Yah I should have 10 bucks. What book is it?

It's Robert Sapolsky's "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers". I just checked and they have paperback and Kindle versions. I messed up on the price though... it's closer to $13. I remember the book ended up shaping how I acted during pregnancy. I know there are both nature and nurture sides to children, but damn she's a chill kid. It could be circumstance, but I was also SO careful with myself during pregnancy, too. If you get it, you'll know what I mean as you go along.

Cole and Terra have been asleep for over an hour. I got on the exercise bike, and now I'm in a state of "...buh." I'm going to attempt to read some course materials and if I zone out, I'll just go to bed too. It's been like this all week, but my period's nearly due. For the past four months I crash around 7-8pm for the night. It's as if my body sucks every ounce of energy out of me the week before just to gear up for the damned thing. lol.

That sounds like quite the title for a book! I definitetly will need to check it out. :)

I hate my period. I usually go through a really emotional week the week before, then the worst of the pain is the first day. After that, it's fairly smooth sailing. I will not miss it once it goes, for sure. :P

I wonder if iBooks has that book. I will have to check as Tristan got a $15 iTunes card from his grandma on his mom's side and gave it to me, as his iPod is no longer functioning properly. I'm going to buy him something off of Xbox though to compensate for it. (Something Aaron wants anyways, so basically he's giving to me. :P)