hummy hopes llonkahusband did some listening, too
mostly for you but also so that jacob and caleb have a positive male role model

Seven years of marriage? Makes you feel inferior? Now your child is copy-catting his fathers punk attitude? That is definitely not a healthy marriage. My cousin works at Meijirs, he's next to the departmental head and he stopped and talked to me and my mother. So, what he did at Walmart wasn't right. Anyone at Walmart will stop and talk to somebody they know, it doesn't really matter if they are at work or not. Although, the conversation may not last long but they don't care.

Regarding to the Walmart incident, he's paying attention to other women. I highly doubt he didn't notice you, you came right to him. That's like careering down the road with a deer in the headlights. Especially since you overhead his conversation with the woman, he was complaining about overtime. He wanted sympathy from someone other than you. He wanted the woman to feel bad for him and agree with him that overtime isn't all what its cracked up to be.

There's a guy at Walmart in a town 30 mins where I live. He always stops and talks to his wife. His wife brings him his lunch everyday and he hugs and kisses her. Then she's off and he goes back to work.

The pen situation? He could've found a pen himself. If you both had cell phones, he could've texted you. Instead he chose to blow up at you because he wanted another reason to treat you like the inferior counter-part that he thinks you are. If you keep building up excuses for him that maybe it's just stress from work or he's just bringing his anger home because of other people, then he's always going to wiggle himself out of the argument. He's making you out to be the bad guy for feeling upset, verbally abused and mistreated. And you end up suckering up to his false wounds, then the situation just escalates.

The whole he has a job and you don't? That is not an excuse for that type of behavior. My friend is a stay at home mother and her husband has the job and they have two boys. He does not attack her, he does not fight with her and he does not treat her as his inferior. If he's tired from work, he just does straight to bed.

But since it seems you love him (your husband, that is) and you do care for him, then it doesn't look like you're going to leave him. You're going to stick it out till the very end. I'll just say that will cause severe consequences to yourself. Your sons may very well turn on you if they are more attached to their father than they are of you. But if you are willing to put up with it, then I say good luck and I hope you find healthy way to deal with your depression that he's inflicting on you.

Thanks for all the input Miro. Gives me something to think about.

Guess I should add that he got me pregnant while I was a senior in high school. It was both our ideas, what I thought I wanted at the time. That summer his dad found out, I don't know how, and called "a meeting". He then (hubby dad) decided to call another meeting in which my parents were invited. HIS dad told my parents that we were pregnant. That day it was decided that we were to get married. In hindsight I feel like I was bullied into my marriage. There I said it. I've always felt this way and I'm sure I always will. There was no proposal, HIS dad talked my dad into making us get married. From there it snowballed and here I am. I sometimes ask hubby if he feels like we only got married because of our oldest boy and he tells me no, he really loves me. You know in high school I felt like I really loved him, but what is love really? I really don't think I know what it feels like to "be in love".

Another thought that just popped into my head... seven years ago I thought this is what I wanted, I had my chance to get out. I always thought about how everyone else would feel too if I had told them no, I don't want to get married. But then I thought about Jacob too, how would it have affected his life?

Hubby pays the bills, buys things we want, and keeps the roof over our heads. Maybe that's why he acts the way he does, because he feels like i'm "using" him. I dunno. This is going to be a long self finding journey I think. I also think by me going to college and learning all these skills, it's opening my eyes and he doesn't like it. Like I know his family is very controlling and they hate it when I rebel.

---------- Post added 09-16-2013 at 11:41 AM ----------

Another thought about separating from him, because I know that is what everyone is thinking. His mom and dad got divorced when he was three. He told me a long time ago, maybe before we were married, he never wanted to do that to his children. I think that makes me feel bad, because I have no idea what it's like to be from a family like that. I think it really had a mental impact on him and could be why he treats me like he does, because he heard his dad talk crap on his mom all the time.

I do hope it's stress from work that's making him act like this, not that I in any way condone the way he's treating you.

The way he was at work was wrong for one thing while you're in the shop you are a customer therefore you should've taken priority over talking to a co-worker.

Have you ever spoken to him about feeling like it was more a forced marrage rather than a choice of being together ?

HIM- In a round about way I have, but he always says he feels like we weren't forced. I've never come out and said "Your dad forced us to get married because I was pregnant" but implied it. I'm afraid of what he would say.

Another thought that I thought of while taking my youngest to kindergarten, my dad treats my mom the very same way. She's put up with it for going on over 25 years. Also my grandpa was like that to my grandma. My dad tells me all the time I married my grandpa, but he is the same way.

Also, when he is home for a week on vacation, he DOES NOT act that way. He is very loving and kind. Hence why I say it's work that makes him like that.

He'd probably be better off looking for another job while still in that one especially if it's making him like that.

Maybe a date night every other week might be good for you two. Just the two of you, get someone to look after kids, and go out somewhere just the two of you away from all the stress and do something fun together like movie and a burger or something.

Originally Posted by HIM_ROCK

He'd probably be better off looking for another job while still in that one especially if it's making him like that.

Maybe a date night every other week might be good for you two. Just the two of you, get someone to look after kids, and go out somewhere just the two of you away from all the stress and do something fun together like movie and a burger or something.

He thinks he's been looking for a different job, but never really gets very far. Hopefully he'll find something before he just quits.

That sounds like a great idea. Thing is getting someone to watch the boys. My mom complains sometimes and we always end up getting stuck at his dad's house. I'll ask him and see what he thinks. He's been talking about taking me to movies, just us, for awhile now.

It doesn't have to be all night just a couple of hours to have a nice sit down meal together just putting yourselves first for a little while.

I think possibly a second marrage would be good for you llonka so it's done properly where he does propose to you and well do it right.

and tell llonkhusband date night is not his taking you along to the races!
maybe once in awhile would be okay
but he needs to take you to dinner and a movie
not just 'jump in the sack!'

Have you considered marriage counseling? If it's something you can afford, it would be worth looking into.

HIM- I've always wanted to have a second wedding ceremony, with him properly proposing and just my mother and I planning it. There was way too much input from the in-laws, mostly his dad. I'm loving the date night idea. I meant bring it up while he was home for lunch, but he got to complaining about work.

hummy- Ugh I know he'd count going to the races as a date. I though, do not. At least not anymore. We need something to do that both of us would enjoy.

Cherry- I would love to go to marriage counseling, but i'm afraid we can't afford it. We are barely scraping by again. I don't think he'd go along with that idea either, he probably assumes everything is hunky dory even though I've been talking (trying to talk) to him about it. While he was home for lunch I told him we need to work on talking about our relationship more, like actual talking. Not just me "nagging" and him yelling. A lot of times I'll tell him something and expect a reply but he talks about something completely unrelated. I don't know he's uncomfortable or what.

Yeah, that's understandable, counseling certainly isn't always affordable. Perhaps instead you could do some research and try to find articles giving advice on how to deal with marital problems constructively? Maybe you could find some stuff written by marriage counselors or other sources more reliable than, say, Redbook (that magazine has the worst advice, I swear. One time they had an article that was just basically "10 ways to mess with your husband because he's probably too stupid to notice, right?" wow). Of course it's not at all your fault the way he's treating you, but the way a topic is first brought up and subsequently handled can be very crucial to the way it's received, so looking up some strategies and getting a good game plan could help you get the most effective results.

Are you a member of a church? Some churches offer marriage counseling for free, I believe.

Cherry i love that 10 ways to mess topic

It was such a weird article, I couldn't believe what I was reading! There were things like "throw away his things and see if he notices," "stop making dinner and see what he does," etc. What the hell?! Passive-aggressive mind-screwery is no way to go about a marriage!

lol, who wouldn't notice no food or clean clothes?
even Sashie-belle notices no foods

I'll have to look for some articles then.

lol you two.

Hey there, llonka. First big hugs. ((((HUGS))))

First off I'm with Cherry and I think that counseling would do both of you a world of good. I don't want to say his behavior is justified, but it sounds like it is very much a deep rooted issue that needs to be addressed. He shouldn't be yelling about you over pens like that for sure, and well the incident at Walmart is hard to really judge as others had said maybe he really didn't see you at first and when he did notice you he worried that you would overreact to him talking to another female?

I would think long and hard though and figure out what change you need in your life. I know if it were my husband I would try to sit him down and without being confrontational let him know that I feel like there feels like a wedge between you and you would like to work on bringing the two of you closer together. Perhaps arrange an hour of time once the boys are in bed where the two of you could do something together at home, in hopes it would help you two bond.

I would be very careful on how you approach the whole subject of how you two were married, though, as it could bring about some really hurt feelings. It's probably very sensitive subject for both of you and I'm sure he has his thoughts on the matter too. Whenever talking about sensitive things I really try hard not to sound like I'm placing the blame on my husband.

Thanks Izumi. I really needed a hug today.

I think we do need a change, and maybe it's job. Maybe it's me changing and seeing things in a different way? We do need more time together, he's either at work, me at school or we are running the boys around to practice. Once we both are home, I'm usually doing homework or he's watching tv. I've noticed lately that he talks and talks but once I put my input in, he doesn't acknowledge it, just keeps talking about the same thing over and over.

I don't think I'll ever bring up how I really feel about how we got married. It's done and over it, nothing I can do about it now. I think a lot of my anger/frustration is hormones right now. I try not to make him into a bad guy, because he really isnt. I think he just needs to grow and see things with an open mind more than what he does. Maybe I should be more forgiving.

He is still being quite rude though... so it's definitely not just you.
Also... if it's his job stressing him out, maybe he needs to look for a new one.

Would like to hear about my afternoon?

After telling him for several days that the van has been acting up, it finally quit on me today while I was at the college. I wanted to do something about it last night, because it just barely made it home last night. I ended up having to call father-in-law, who took forever. Luckily, my dad came looking for me and found the battery cable was just loose. Hubby just had finger tightened it. Anyways when he finally got home he made it seem like it was all my fault and I was stupid for not taking my cell phone, it was dead and I forgot to charge it.

We talked about him trying harder to find a different job, but honestly he's been "looking" for two years now.

I definitely do think he's a bit hard on you, for sure.

It sounds like his stress with his job is factoring into his behavior, but I still don't feel like he should be reacting in quite the matter that he has been lately. Have you tried to let him know that some of this has been upsetting for you? I mean I would find the easiest, non confrontational way to try to convey this to him. Maybe he's really not seeing that it is hurting as much as it is?

I know sometimes my husband can do things that can really rub me the wrong way. I let him know that he's being an ass. It does happen...I'd be concerned, though, if after you try to have a heart to heart about how you've been feeling about the recent incidents he doesn't seem to take it in and try to be a little more considerate with his actions I would definitely start looking into a counselor at that point.

I'm sorry hun. :(

Just something important to keep in mind - and Izumi touched on this a little - is that reason =/= excusing the behavior. You know why he acts the way he does (his upbringing, stress at work), and that's important for empathy and seeing him as a normal person who is having troubles (as opposed to evil demon spawn or something equally two-dimensional), but that doesn't mean that his behavior is okay. It's not. To take it to an extreme for the sake of illustration, serial killers have reasons for what they do too (childhood trauma, mental illness, whathaveyou), but of course that doesn't mean what they do is okay.

I bring this up only because some of your posts seem like you're trying to convince yourself to brush off his behavior due to knowing the reasons behind the actions. There's a time and a place for that (small, non-recurring instances of trouble), but if the way he's acting is upsetting you as much as it clearly is, don't brush it off. You have a right to be hurt and upset by how you're being treated, and your husband is accountable for that, no matter what his reason for acting like that may be.

Thanks you two. This whole thing is just so confusing. I feel like I'm in this battle by myself, last night I asked him if he felt like we are getting distant and he told me no. So I told him I feel like the place he's at right now is a million miles away from where I'm at. Could it all be just inside my head?

I've tried telling him how he's been acting really hurts my feelings, like yesterday making it seem like the van quiting was my fault. "You should have known to take/charge my cell phone." I told him after having such a crummy afternoon, I just wanted him to hug me and tell me it's okay. He was like yeah okay whatever, your dad fixed it, it's okay now and kinda patted me on the back like small child. Wouldn't a more loving husband be more caring and concerned? It's scary being stranded like that.

Another thing, it's not just me he's bullying around I've noticed. Some of the neighbors have been making a mess of the alley and the trash, so he's been calling the city complaining. Yesterday was pretty bad, trash all over, but someone has cleaned up this morning. Anyways the guy called back, and wanted to know what hubby wanted. I was very polite and he said he'd be by today. I just went out, and of course it's pretty much cleaned up and I feel bad for telling the city guy there is trash all over. There kind of is, like cardboard boxes and somebody's back door. I just think hubby makes a big deal out of nothing and called the city too quick.

You're welcome, llonka. I think Cherry hit it on the head, though. Yes the stress he is under would elicit some negativity, but the way he's directing it is uncalled for. I think he's having trouble trying to deal with it himself, and also trouble trying to communicate with you as well.

It's a really delicate balancing act, though, as you want to make sure you get him to realize the consequences of his actions without really causing a stir. It's real easy for someone to get the idea that you're trying to lay blame on their end and it can cause them to go into defense mode.

Defense mode. That describes him to a T. He is very defensive. I say something and he's quick to get upset and defend himself, even if there is no need to. I think he feels like everyone is out to get him, even me sometimes and I'm not. I'm unsure how to talk to him without him getting upset. Maybe he needs more praise? I bet/doubt he really got any as a kid...