10-18-2012, 07:31 PM
I feel many different emotions towards you so I will try to put them into categories like when I tend to feel them.
Most of the time my emotions towards you tend to be directly related to yours, or how I perceive yours at the time.
When you are happy, I feel happier, and often playful.
When you are scared, I feel protective.
When you are safe, I feel happy
When you are sad, it makes me sad too.
When you are in pain, more sadness.
When I get to see you or talk to you, it always makes me happier. When you do something for me; anything nice that I didn't expect or felt I didn't deserve, it makes me feel really special and loved. I have felt jealous in a possessive way of you before, but not often, and they were ways you would probably think silly.
When I am sad or upset, you are my biggest source of comfort. You can make me feel taken care of. Really, it makes me feel God's love when I am feeling down and you just care so much.
I am now starting rambling.
I miss you too, not nearly as much lately, because i've been spending so much time and doing everything with you. But in the past there's been things that I've done and wished I could do with you. One of my favorites was sailing. I kept thinking how you would love to be there, and we could have so much fun doing it all together, and how you would love the puppies and all that stuff, and then you were able to! It was awesome. Anyway.
If there is one thing that can annoy me about you, it's probably when I think you're distancing yourself from me on purpose as if I had done something to you. Often I probably have done something to you, but I would always rather have you talk about it with me, even if you're really upset and yelling at me or whatever. It would hurt much less than not knowing, and just having you kind of push me away.
When I'm with you I feel like myself. I never worry about putting on a facade, and I never worry about what you will think. I'm not afraid of what you will think, I guess, even if I know it won't be good. Actually maybe I still have some levels of fear of what you will think somewhere inside, but they don't affect me much when I am with you. Take this rambling for example. I am doing something right now that I have never done before. I have always censored my thoughts very carefully when I put them in writing. I always worry about what effect this or that might have, and how the person will take it and if i'm saying something wrong or if I could say it better. But right now I'm just letting it out. Which makes this get awfully long, which you just commented on. :D Broke my train of thought...
So I've pretty much been going through all the possible emotions and thinking of when I have felt them towards you. Fear, only in the form of worry about you. Anger, the most is a little annoyance. Happiness, lots of it. Sadness, yes but not for myself. Yeah, that pretty much covers all the basic emotions. Then there's all those other little branches of emotion that I feel too. I think I mentioned most of the ones that apply already, I didn't get really in depth on them, but I think I got the essence, and if you want to know more about any of them you can just ask. Ok, there's another emotion, I don't know if I've been avoiding it or what. Was I afraid of what you would think? I shouldn't be. You know it already, and I've told you already, and there's nothing weird about it, and I know you won't take it the wrong way. So yeah, that can't have been it. Maybe I was just saving it for last so it would be special? I don't know whatever.
I love you.
I guess that's about it. I'm sure there's some emotions I just didn't think of, or didn't elaborate enough on, but I'm not going to worry or stress about those too much. We can always talk about this anyway, and i'm sure I can elaborate then if necessary. By the way, I was just thinking, the "I love you" is probably not going to be the climactic finale of a finish to this, because not only am I writing a whole new paragraph after it, but you'll probably read down the page really quickly when you get it just so you know how long it is, and then you will see it because it's one of the few things not in a paragraph. But that's fine. You know it already. Maybe I should put it right at the top because it's most important? I dunno. Well, if you're gonna see it first anyway like I just mentioned, then I guess it's fine. Yeah. So I hope you enjoyed reading all this, and I know you'll probably have questions, so feel free to ask them in an email or in person. Speaking of questions, I just realized that I have one.
What do you feel about me?
---------- Post added 10-18-2012 at 03:37 PM ----------
Gahh I have so many different people I want to say things too...the guy I like, my parents, my sister, my ex boyfriend, my ex best friends.....
You hate me don't you? You cannot believe that I haven't gotten over it yet can you? You think of me as silly and stupid, full of emotion. "Why can't you just get over it like i did" you think. you are so completely over me and it is so obvious....do you understand that you told me you loved me, did those words mean nothing, you spent a whole year with me telling me that, those lies, but did they make any sort of impression upon you? How can you just get over me so easily, after merely two weeks you were over it, and probably even sooner. I am surprised because we went two weeks without seeing each other on several occasions, how did you still love me after those? Or were you just so happy to finally get to leave and start your "new life" as if it is even really new, that you just lunged at the chance and forgot all that you once knew. I just don't understand how you could give me up so easily, how it could end and you just move on that fast, you lied to me and that makes me mad. Do you still care about me, cuz if you ever DID then i don't see how you could let go, how you could’ve let go of every feeling you claimed to have for me already, do you still have any feelings for me? And if so what? What are they, are they strong. You show nothing for me; if i stopped talking to you would you care? If i started dating a guy would you care? Better yet, what if i dated a complete and total douchebag? Would you care then? Would you care that I’m hurting now, would you care if i was harmed by someone... don't say that you would because you don't, you are hurting me. i understand perfectly that i have no right to blow up at you, to expect anything from you, you can treat me as a friend and that means you don't have to return my calls, you don't have to email me back (like you are doing Victoria) you don't have to talk to me on a regular basis and as your friend i have no need to care. that's why you can semi-ignore your family, that's why you can ignore Daniel and he won’t really complain because he knows he has no claim over you, but Jacob, the relationships you had with people meant something, a sort of unspoken promise ran between these relationships that you would treat them with respect and love as they did you, you don't have to do certain things for people but they sort of inwardly expected you to, because that was the amount of love and trust you showed them, was it all a game when you lived here? You lied to us, every action you ever committed every word you ever said was a lie. Daniel expects you to call him once in a while because you were his BEST FRIEND, but instead you are making new best friends that take up every ounce of free time you've got, don't tell me you are booked with a load of homework, everyone deals with that at one point in their life Jacob, i call you and you are eating or in between classes. You have breaks; you have time before you go to sleep to write people, at least, if you really cared about them....
Your family expects you to keep in touch but you don't make enough time for them either, you are too busy with your new and wonderfully busy life aren't you? you make so many excuses that don't cut it, if you really cared as much as you said you would, you could definitely find ways to get around them, stay up a few minutes later, instead of chattering with friends at lunch you call someone over here, instead of expecting us to know your schedule and calling you at the appropriate times, you call us. You reach out to us....these are the things that bothered me only mildly when i was still your girl, yeah remember that? Your girl? Do you remember what i was to you? It doesn't seem you do. Everything you ever said sorry for you didn't mean. You promised things and you left those promises in the dust. But sure i gave you leave to didn't i?
I left you for your own good, you don't seem to get that...it's like you were grateful for something you had wished for silently, like you wanted a way out but couldn't do it, you weakling. You made me do it, because i do whatever i can to help you. I want to do what's best for you, what do you want to do for me? Besides listen to me rant on about things, that's all you ever did, yeah listening is a good quality but that is seriously all you ever did. You were a pansy, and though i always joked when i said that, it is true now, i see that. You wouldn't make decisions, you wouldn't start conversations, you wouldn't talk about you and you wouldn't ask about me. And you wonder why i had such a low self-esteem when it came to me and you, i felt like the most boring girl. You never wondered about me and my history. Speaking of history, you promised to tell me yours you PROMISED, and what are you doing? You are hardly telling me about your present.....not that i really want to hear what girls take up your time over there, which is what you do for fun during your free time when of course i wish you would talk to me or respond to an email of mine instead. You promised me you would show me the beauty of everything you knew, that poetic style you had of describing things, that i always had such great disdain for, that i always hated, you told me you would help me to see that side of the earth, to draw me from the ugly place i lived in, and saw. You never did, you made promises you didn't keep. You promised you loved me and you didn't and don't. I hate you for those lies, and yet i still love you somehow...i don't even know why. You show no signs of caring and the truth is you don't have to, you get that don't you? That you don't have to. well everyone over here knows it too, that you don't have to, but we all expected it, and it is your fault and wrong for causing us that pain, for getting our hopes up, for breaking an unspoken promise of love and care for those you once knew. I’m glad that you have all those new friends Jacob, glad you have your new life, you are completely and utterly free to live and enjoy that life, and I hope you do too. i really hope it makes you happy....i recognize that you finally cut your last tie, me, that held you to your old life, and now you can do what you always spoke of, you get to go off, forget your entire life and start a new one.....i hate that i met you in your old life, i hate that i knew this was coming, i hate that i always feared that me being a part of what would become your old life would hurt me, that you could really let me go so easily just to get your dream....i always thought your deep need to live a new life was wrong, misplaced, stupid! It is! It’s selfish! It’s like telling everyone who ever invested in you, like telling God, that what we gave you just wasn't good enough for you, or just because you screwed it up to your liking that it became something that wasn't good enough, and now we pay for your sins. i know I’m being selfish and i don't care, I’m being no more selfish then you are....i still understand that you have no obligation to fix these problems, but you never had an obligation to lead me on as you did.......like leading a lamb to slaughter...i hate you for it and that emotion is so conflicting, so confusing to me, that i don't know what to do with myself, thanks a lot Jacob, it's nice knowing how much i suck at reading people, it took you forever to get me to trust you, and now I’ve been burned. I should have stuck to my original insecurities and problems, at least i know how to handle them......i have learned never to fully trust someone, and that is your fault. Can you live with another fault of your own? You started off your beginning of a "new life" by screwing it up, will you one day tell Daylen, Ryan, Chris and Emily that you must leave them, because you must start anew?
---------- Post added 10-18-2012 at 03:40 PM ----------
Okay so lately I've been thinking about a lot of things. I told you on Saturday that I hated myself for dong this to myself, but I was happy it was good for you. I still can't believe I did that, every day I wonder how my day would be going if I had not done it....how it would have gone when we eventually did break up, if you miss me at all or if you hurt like I do. I don't feel as safe as I used to. I think I feel painfully alone. I will have to get used to the way I used to do things. I'm much more quiet than I ever have been. I feel a part of myself wanting to find another guy right away just to replace the pain, to have someone hold me again and have a hug and a touch...but I am mostly disgusted by the idea and I don't want to touch another guy or be touched by one again. Jared's innocence is endearing. Last night he was massaging my neck(I have some weird cold right now were I lost my voice and I'm terribly sore all over so he was trying to help..I was miserable) and he saw distress on my face from just different things. The other day I had showed him something my mother used to do to me when I was little that always soothed me; she would run her fingers back and forth up and down my arm from my elbow to my fingertips. Well Jared did this to me the other day, but last night when massaging me I guess he couldn't think of anything to soothe me but that, only he tried it on my neck. At first everything in me wanted to just let him, to close my eyes and imagine it was you, or something, or to think of him as mine, everything in me wanted to just stop thinking and enjoy, to feel warm and safe and loved, but my better half knew that was wrong on so many levels, and my loyalty(that has not yet left me) to you spoke up, I told him that he shouldn't do that on my neck. He stopped and I could tell at first he didn't get it, but now does. It's hard for me to be so full of want, to feel so empty for you. I find I do not want to see your family...but I miss them. Did you tell them yet? They don't seem to know we are done, but then again, people in your family keep to themselves and let others do the same. I often wonder how Joey is doing, I hope he is handling it all okay. I find my only solace is in reading and Jared. I don't want him to replace you but I somehow just want it all back. I dream about you a lot, which is a nice change to my other dreams but it makes me hurt. It's like my subconsciousness doesn't get we are over. Speaking of not getting it about being over, I have been thinking of things I want to do to get over you. I want to say goodbye to everything. I am writing poetry and I have slowly visited places that hold special value to me about you. There is a store in the mall called, "Things Remembered." I went there with Shawn that day we went to the mall, remember how you got jealous? Yeah well he used to work there, and there is a soft blue teddy bear in there with a shirt on, the words "Jacob's Teddy" are on it...I always wanted to get that for you but I thought you would think it silly. It was precious to me and I often visited it whenever in the mall. Well the other day, I was at the mall with Vick and Jared and I abandoned them for a moment to say goodbye to the teddy bear. Another "goodbye" I said was to your room in the church. Were all the orchestra puts there things. The men's baptismal room. These goodbyes I hope will remain permanent. I haven't the courage to go to our lake and say goodbye yet, but I sit there sometimes and think. I love to swing when I'm sad. It works out pain and it is exercise that doesn't hurt me. I don't know what I will do on August 21 next year...maybe it wont hurt at all, but it hurts me even now to think that day means nothing anymore. I am glad we made it to one year at least... Part of me wonders if I should even be writing this, to you of all people, if I should tell anyone what I'm saying. To be trapped with one's thoughts is torment though. I literally feel haunted by all of my memories. I walk around in a sort of daze, so many thoughts but I can't sort them all out, some of them I couldn't convey if I tried. I feel like a totally different person. I don't want to talk to people, I don't know how, I don't know how to fake a decent smile, I don't know how to laugh at anything worth laughing at, I don't know how to sleep and look forward to tomorrow, I don't know how to wake up and long for anything but the night when I can lay down again. I want to be myself again, but I don't know how to do that or try. I feel so detached from myself, in a way I never have before. If I have ever said those words I was wrong and lying, because I have never felt like this before. Again I don't know how to convey with words what I am feeling; it is so wrong. I literally feel like I'm watching myself do everything, my thoughts go so deep, and they move quickly, but I can focus on many thoughts at once, and I don't get lost in them. I myself understand what I am thinking but can't put to words even in my mind what it is, I can't form sentences to make up what I think or know. I get cold a lot. I hate that I really feel that you never loved me. I wish I was so wrong, but I do not think that I am. I know I love you, I know that if you ever loved me that I loved you more. That is what is causing my pain, that is what is ruining me now. If you loved me you would feel the same, and I do not mean to cause guilt, I told you I am so happy that you are not tormented as I am. The selfish part of me almost hates you, and all of my memories of you, I hate so much right now, yet I don't seem to feel angry....except at myself. I hate that you lied, by accident or purposefully you did, I hate that I ended it, I hate that I wasted a year of my life knowing it would hurt me later, I hate that I was right, I hate that you aren't sad... I sometimes daydream what it would be like if you begged for me back but I know I don't want that and that you never would. I almost hope that when you see me face to face again some day that you will remember....remember whatever it was that you thought you felt, think I look gorgeous or something and miss me. I wish I could make you jealous, but I don't. I wish I wish I wish....blah blah blah. Shut up right? It feels good to type this even though I have no clue about sending it....I'm more journaling right now...maybe I'll talk to Jared about this and not you. Maybe I should get a journal and pretend it's you so I can always talk to you about anything...but not really bother you with my thoughts, or anyone else for that matter. I don't know, I know that if I send this to you I won't edit it. I want you to see everything, though I am afraid to show you, I always have been afraid to show you things about myself. There was so much you still hadn't learned, I guess I never felt studied by you, another reason why I always was trying to keep your interest, why I felt I bored you, and why I know now that you didn't love me. On that thought, I know you thought you loved me, but I don't think you did....when you know you just know, and when it is broken it hurts, terribly, you can hardly think, you can't feel, you want to cry and scream and be silent and sleep and stay awake and binge and starve all at once! You want and don't want the exact same things, you are utterly confused and yet you suddenly know things you never knew before. Going on with life is terrible and yet you are doing it, and you seem fine, and you are at peace. This tells me you are either burying what you are feeling so deep that even you yourself can't feel what you truly feel, or you just never loved me in the way you said. I know you cared Jacob. I do not want a simple, I'm sorry as a response to this, please...it sounds so fake, so "I don't know what to say right now, but I'm sorry for you, so here, I'll type I'm sorry and hope you feel better." That is annoying...if you don't know what to say that's fine, if you do then give me your honest response. I find myself greatly dissatisfied with the thought of being your friend, of seeing you get a girlfriend. I wonder if I got a boyfriend first, would that hurt you? Or make you happy? I would feel terribly disloyal, but then, I have nothing to be loyal to anymore. I can't stand guys looking at me or flirting, I get irate with it. I can't flirt at all, I feel I've lost all my charm, or whatever I ever had. Maybe God wanted to break me so badly that I would never hunt for a guy again, or would know that when I know something is going to hurt me, that when I know that I will be right, when intuition kicks in and says no, that I should listen to it. Maybe so I would be prepared for not being married. So many thoughts are still there, and I'm sure more will arise, oh joy. But for now I will end this...hitting send will be a chore, for now I shall save it in a draft....I don't know, you'll know if you get it. It is 1:39 PM 9/13/2011 right now. Let's see how long I wrestle, so much of me wants to let you know all of this, for your comfort, I want you to soothe me, I miss relying on you. I miss feeling safe and finally letting go and trusting you with my pain. I miss you, I miss you so much, because I love you so so much. It is terrible, can't you do something to make me hate you? I don't even think you could if you tried. I would die for you Jacob...I know that sounds lame, but I would. I would do anything for you if I knew it was good for you, I hope you know that. If you ever need anything from me, even if it would hurt me, if you need me to say goodbye...permanently I will. You know..I will send this, just to let you know that. I probably should erase some stuff, so that you don't see all that stuff about the time and maybe saving this and blah blah blah...but I won't. My letters to you are written in permanent ink okay? You told me to be myself, there it is. All the confusion I feel on one screen.
---------- Post added 10-18-2012 at 03:41 PM ----------
I can't...send it.... :'( I wish I could but I can't! Why do you do this to me!
---------- Post added 10-18-2012 at 03:45 PM ----------
I am probably going to be rather harsh in this message but. There ARE definitely good and bad kinds of stubborn. The fact that you "yeah, right"ed that statement of mine proves to me that you should probably do at least a lot of research into them. I don't know how this is going to end, but based on relative stubbornness levels I am pretty certain it won't be you coming to me saying you're sorry. I don't feel like I did anything very wrong and I suspect that you feel the same. I know I did things that hurt you, but... tough love. I was loving you with every breath I took. I never forgot it. Every word in an angry tone tore through my viscera like inhaling flaming gas. We aren't breaking up, dear. It would take a lot more than an argument that bad every single day to make me want to break up with you I think. I don't know why you would even think that. I just said harsh things. I know that that is uncharacteristic of me and I've never done anything like it to you, but sometimes I have to let things out, and that doesn't mean that we're done in any way. It was you who started doing the "I don't know if I want a man who can get angry to be the father of my kids" thing.
I need to be harsh, not reconciling right now. I need to say things now that I haven't had the courage to say before and might not again. It might be easier now while I am already feeling slightly estranged. The stubbornness is bad. I can't remember one time that we got in an argument and you actually admitted you were wrong at the end. I can't remember one time that we fought and you apologized first. I know that I am generally the "giver" in the relationship but there is a limit to how far any human can go without expecting something in return. I demonstrate tough love for you almost daily. I have loved you through plenty of times I felt no attraction to you, no need for your presence. (did I say that?) Ok. I don't know if that is true or not. I can't tell right now. Anyway. I always try to be the one who will break the stalemate, apologize first, give in first, that sort of thing. But it wears on me.
I am sick of lies too. Lies to your parents, especially when I don't see them to be necessary. And drama and acting, which feels like lies to me. I looked in your eyes tonight and saw falsehood. You played a quivery-lipped victim. When the phone rang, bang, there was Elizabeth again talking to her mom same as ever. I didn't see a mask as you talked on the phone, I saw a mask before. I walked you through dangers and fears and you just pulled away from me. I stayed there to protect you, as I always said I would, and you shoved me away. You were all upset about me walking away from you at the car when you were seriously wounding me, but you did the exact same thing later at the bridge, and again when we were walking back to the car. Both times that I was not currently wounding you in any way. And how prideful must you be to not be able to turn around and talk to me when I stopped? To go and stand in the middle of the road like, "look what you're going to make me do." What sort of stupid idea was that? Did you imagine that it would or could possibly NOT make me angry to see you so careless of your life like that? That was honestly quite stupid, and removed a lot of my dislike of telling you that. You are not stupid, but like anyone you do stupid things, and that was one of them. Another stupid thing was forgetting that I love you more than anything. Not just that I love you more than I love anything else, but I love you more than I do anything else.
I'm sorry for pulling you around against your will, but in the end it seemed like the best thing. The alternative, which I tried next, was sitting there waiting for you to stay with me, which obviously didn't work.
How do you think it makes me feel when we have been together almost 5 months and very very close for longer than that and you still don't like to tell me things? There's something messed up there. I don't know why you ask me to take control of you and then don't submit. If you were submissive that night you would have let me lead you and trusted me to keep you safe. I wasn't trying to make you face your fears or anything. I just wanted to walk, honestly. I thought we could discuss things a little without distraction and reach an understanding and get all turned on in the dark and then come back to the car and be sweet and romantic again.
What were you doing when I came running towards you? Where you coming back to me? It looked like you saw me and then ran out into the middle of the street. Had you been waiting till I came after you to do that? Drama. I don't get why you run into the road and then shout at me afterwards for not protecting you! Seriously!? And I don't know what you meant when you said something about me not letting you run away.
I don't know what you think this changes. Why should you feel insecure about our relationship just because of an argument? Just because I showed I can be a little stubborn too? Because I never spoke harshly to you before? It changes nothing. I love you as much as ever, and everything I ever said to you is true.
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I feel stupid and I have no idea why I feel so attached... I don't love him though... of course not... I am just afraid to like someone again and trust someone because every time I do the leave.... They always do... and the ones that stay, well.. I am so grateful.
