Started a Month late! But better late than never, I suppose I might as well give this a shot

Sunday, February 1st, 2015

Today was a day just chilling at home. Nothing special, other than my mom was out of the house because she was on-call at the hospital today. The only thing that made my day was that it was snowing the whole day today (it is still snowing as I write this), and we literally got a call from the school district that school will be off tomorrow throughout the county. I'm pumped for the extra workday. I really need it! I really need to come up with a new idea for an art project series. I am halfway there and I really need 6 more pieces to complete my 12-project portfolio for the IB test.

At least the test itself is easy. It's only a picture of all the works I have done, and a simple write-up about my artwork as a whole.

Anyways, I think I will go to sleep a little early today so I can wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the pile of homework that I have to accomplish tomorrow!

With love, Nausheen <3

Monday, February 2nd, 2015

So today, my siblings and I had to clean out the driveway. I thought it would be a half hour job with all three of us working together. Nope. The snow was all the way up to my knees, almost. I guess there was a good reason they cancelled school today.

We spent about an hour shoveling the driveway with little success. Then this man with his pickup truck and big huge shovel thingy in the front (I don't know what it's called, sorry ), who was driving around the neighborhood, helped us clear our driveway in under five minutes. With no charge at all.

That was the nicest thing they did for us. There were other businesses that were providing the same service, but they didn't stop to help three kids struggling to clear the snow from the driveway, no. It was a guy who happened to be passing through the subdivision. But anyways, if it weren't for that guy, all three of us would've been stuck out there for two more hours shoveling out snow in subzero temperatures. That's pretty much all that happened today that was special to me. Bye~

With love, Nausheen <3

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2015

Typical uneventful school day, how I've missed you so. It's a pity that I wish you wouldn't come tomorrow, though I know the prayers would be absolutely fruitless, considering only the thin layer of snow covering the freshly shoveled driveway. But it's better to be safe than sorry, so I will HAVE to finish my homework now *sigh*

Anyways, apart from my weird monologue, it was a pretty uneventful (and stressful) school day. Since when did I have all these things to do?? I have at least a couple projects due by the end of this week, and it doesn't really help that I am going to be practicing piano on top of that. I have to practice twice as much because I'm 'struggling' and the teacher is refusing to give me new songs to play because I'm 'not ready'. It doesn't help that he is essentially blackmailing my mom to keep his business with us. I remember he made a fuss over a piano book my mom ordered online because it had the majority of the answers filled out in marker. Honestly, it wasn't even legible, at least to me it wasn't

Why do I get the strange feeling that my longer posts are always complaints of something? Anyways, I just hope that I will get a snow day tomorrow, I can't get this stuff done within a normal school day. At least there is a new 3 piece art project that I'm looking forward to, so I'm not TOTALLY off my rocker. At least not yet, that is

With love, Nausheen <3

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I don't remember having such a stressful week than this week. I knew I should've done that lab earlier
Ugh, and it doesn't help that I have an ACT test in a couple days, too. I should really get cracking on this stuff.
Anyways, other than my pretty stressful life, I don't really have anything that I want to document, so I guess I'll just leave it at this. Tootles~
With love, Nausheen<3

Thursday, February 5th, 2015

So yeah, today I had the weird thought in my head that today was Friday instead of Thursday. I don't know why; maybe it was my subconscious effort to end the week early. But it still doesn't take away from the fact that tomorrow is Friday.

To be honest, and I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I don't really remember a time where I actually enjoyed Fridays ever since my high-school career started. Every Friday there was a piano lesson with this old man that I honestly thought was a good teacher. He really is talented, he can really play! But I haven't learned much from him, and it's starting to stress me out. Lately, he has been charging my mom more money for lessons, and it really frustrates me because all he ever does during the lessons is talk. I can talk all day if I wanted to, but he's being paid to teach, not talk. Ugh, so frustrating.

And now recently my mom has been dragging us all to the mosque (the Muslim's house of worship. Think of a church or synagogue) every Friday for discussions about religion. It's all that she can ever talk about, and it really bothers me, too. I usually just ignore most of what she says anyway, because most of the things she says are pretty, um, radicalized.

Whew. That was a lot to get off my chest.

With love, Nausheen<3

Sunday, February 8th, 2015

Ugh, this weekend was exhausting. It didn't help that my monthly present had to drop by earlier than normal, so I was EXTRA moody and twice as hungry...

Either way, I managed to somehow get my stuff done this weekend. I was able to concentrate long enough to finish my work, I suppose. I did get my class book today, though. I'm really excited to read it, but not so much the annotation part. I get so into the book that I end up forgetting to annotate and then I have to backtrack and reread it. So tedious

I was just thinking about this today. I would really like to get a cat sometime. It would be nice to have a feline friend, not only because they don't demand a whole lot of attention from you, but because we can both be lazy buddies together and these past four years have given me a good reason to be a lazy ass, to be honest. What is school?

Sarcasm aside, I would also like to see my old friends from middle school one more time before they go off to college or whatever they are doing after they graduate. I don't think I will be holding a graduation party, though. I don't think I really need to invite a whole bunch of people I don't know to my house and have them judge me for my decisions. It's not like they have a right to do so anyways. Enough of me, though. I just realized I needed to annotate my book.

With love, Nausheen<3

Monday, February 16th, 2015

These past two weeks have been so stressful for me. Ugh. I don't even know how I deal with this. It's weird that I have this jar, but I haven't really posted much here. But it's only been a month, so I guess that's part of it.

Anyways...

This week was a big hassle. In addition to trying and getting the Math Internal Assessment done, I have been scrambling to finish up some odds and ends regarding to my diploma. I have also realized that from this point on, I can't be doing the things that I have been doing for the past four years in high school. I can't really screw around, listening to music and playing games and writing out fantasy stories all the time and expect my bills to be paid for me the rest of my life.

And just like every other problem, I know what to do and where to go, I just don't really know where to start. Well, not that I don't know where to start, I just don't want to take risks in anything. But life is really just full of risks, the really lucky ones just seem to go through them without a hassle. I'm jealous of them; it seems like I run into a wall of something or another every year. This wall is considerably bigger and thicker this time because I'm graduating this year, I have been working towards an IB Diploma (which I now realize as an over-glorified high school diploma), I'm expected to go to college and further my education right away, and people have been talking about their kids and how they have already found out what school and what major they are getting into. To be quite honest with you, I don't care that they are judging me, I feel pity and sadness for my mom. She doesn't really know what to say about me.

That her daughter is still stuck in the clouds, and she's been trying to get her to come down but it isn' happening? I don't want to go to graduation. Rather than thinking that it will be the best day of my life, I think of it as another day in living hell. I can't stand that place anymore, especially seeing the people that have bullied me and run me to the ground giving their valedictorian and salutatorian speeches.

If I could, I would turn back time and start my life all over again. Why do people like to make you feel like that this is the end of the road for you when you don't go to college right away? I've only submitted an application to only one college, and now I see how foolish that was. That college accepting me wasn't going to be an easy ride anyways, why did I keep putting blind faith in something that wasn't going to happen? I don't know what makes me more sick of myself, my insecurities in my abilities and powers or the embarrassment I get when people are judging me.

Today, I went outside for the first time in a long time because, well, I wanted to get back into the swing of things. And then one lady brought up her daughter that I haven't talked to for over two years now, she hangs out with other people and it feels like a type of cool distance between us every time we talk to each other. She invited me to come for her graduation, and was asking me whether I had picked out a date for my graduation party and I almost laughed at her.

I'm sorry, but I think this is why I have secluded myself from these people. I can't stand them. Well, no, not that. Sometimes they can be very nice, but most of the time they are very judgmental and blunt about everything. Why would I go to a party where I wasn't even invited? Why would anyone invite me to their graduation? I have nothing to contribute. Why should I go? I don't see a reason to, I'll probably just eat and leave after a while. I think parents mistake their children's relationships very often; I haven't associated with this girl for years now, I'm not about to go to her graduation party. I don't even know her that well anymore and there is a strong chance that I will not know anyone there.

But this rant is over. I hope that the rants in the future won't be as bleak as this one...

With love, Nausheen <3

Saturday, February 21st, 2015

...*sigh*

I really didn't want to post something that was negative or anything today, but I didn't want to completely abandon this thread because I was too depressed to post anything. So here goes...

So I got the idea for my calculus investigation paper, but I don't know how to start it, and then I was supposed to go to a knitting class today (which would've been some kind of fresh air) to just do something else for a change. But nope, my mom (again) had to ruin things for me by telling the person I was going with that I would not be able to go because I had to 'study'.

I hate the fact that I have to live with my mom's expectations and decisions. This is the reason that I am at this stage now. Because I always have to try (and fail) at satisfying what she wants for me, and then I always fall short, my mom makes me feel like crap and then I don't feel like doing anything. This is the same thing for piano, taekwondo, soccer, tennis, drawing, everything. She always makes me feel like I do something wrong, and I hate it.

It's a poisonous environment for me, but where else am I supposed to do? It's not like I can move out of my house, rent out an apartment and get a job within walking distance. I live in a suburban area, having a car is a necessity that I don't have. I can't go to my dad's, either. He has a new wife and family now, I don't want to just crash and interfere with anything. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care about me, either.

So there's that. Both of my parents think I'm a failure, I get no support from my siblings, and my friends aren't even around anymore because we don't see each other as often as we used to.

I fear my mom way more than I love her. My love for her is fear. I'm never comfortable around her. She's the type of person that is very charismatic, overwhelmingly charismatic. It's like whenever she is in the same room as me, my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach and I have difficulty breathing. Its like she sucks out all the air and energy from me and my throat squeezes because I'm just so scared of what she is going to criticize me more.

I remember one time I had a sleepover with a bunch of friends, and one of my best friends was telling me how 'immature' her mom was, and I was thinking to myself, I would LOVE a mom like that! I also met her and she seems like the sweetest lady. But that's how my friends see my mom, so I could be wrong But regardless, I wished that we had something that we had in common, but we don't. So I always have to struggle with her constant nagging and decision making skills.

Anyways, I'm going to stop here now. My eyesight became a little blurry...

With love,
Nausheen <3