random

sleeping together

I would love
to just lie there
and sleep
it is a nice feeling
the warmth of it all
the warth of the skin
and the body heat that I do not have
it is jsut that
it sounds wrong
the implications
it has a lot of the idea
but then
in that warmth
with arms around each other
it is then
that I can tell
if I actually feel
if there is something between us
if my feelings are there
or if it is all the drug
the drug
that causes me pain
and wants me to do everything
that is against my nature

The sleep
with waking up
with me in your arms
is a nice feeling
to not only you
but also to me
if that is how I am
I understand
when I sleep with another
I feel sad
the inability to understand
it is then
that i wake up
a bit dazed
from my life
but this is all hidden
so nothing will happen
and I will show nothing

my disprovable
or my love
that is how I am
but it is then
that I choose
my own life

random

sleeping together part 2

it is when I sleep with another
of my own sex
that I understand the difference
how nice the body heat could be
but the distance
it is then that I don't understand
but I wish I could feel it once again
but then again
apparently all guys are warm
and I am not
so it is then
that i wish I could just feel the contact once more
reguardless
for there is nothing to show the difference
so is it just feeling
or is it chemistry
that I love this feeling?
but it is something people frown against
it is then
that I understand how hard it is
and how nice it is
just to sleep with one another

random

the league

I stand up tall
wanting to be noticed
wanting to be in their league
it is then
that I attract
the ones below me
for they are all under me
it is hard
but I watch
as i chose them
they are easy
but I always yearn for the one
that I still want acceptance from
the ones above me
I just need an invite
to date the ones above me
for I don't believe
that they want me
the qualities of a guy
are so much stronger
the qualities of the guy
are so much to my taste
then I have true partnership
I feel like I am headstrong
but then weak
the guys who follow me
the ones who stalk me
they like that
one of the two
my weakness
or my strength
they like how strong I am
but want to be the one to be there when I am weak
i know not what I want
but they like to feed the weakness
it is like
they want me to be weaker
I want someone
who understands
wants me to be stronger
without them
or with them
not someone
who wants me reliant on them
I am a league
standing solo
chased by the lower
wanting to belong to the upper
but do not fully understand them
for I am not part of them

random

melting away

how nice it is
or would be
to disappear
to become the smoke
to become part of the shadow
to where no one can touch me
to where no one can see me
to the peace of being alone

if I could
would have fun playing
and miss people
or would i live in the darkness
in the shadow
to where no one can see me
or would i miss the touch

But to become water
and drift with the sea
turning as the flow once was
would be amazing
to not control yourself
but to be one with everyone
then just to sink into the dust
and into the air
with all it's peace
to live life in peace
without any of the worlds issue
would just nice
and to become the flight
of the bird
to be one with everything
and everything is one
how nice and peaceful it all would be
if I could be that

random

alone

I walk a lonely path
connected to others
but why walk their path?
or walk together
when you can walk alone
playing with others
is not all that great
it is fun
but like everything else
in moderation
too much and I run away
too little and i find something else to do
it is then
that I know
I live alone
I want to be alone
to just sit
and play games
to do my own projects
that will never get done
maybe they will
but not for years
I want to read
all alone
reguardless of everyone else
I sit in a bubble
in the corner
where no one will bother me
so let me be there
don't pick me up
because inside
I walk my own life
alone

31. decisions

(should be named choice, but this one is on the list :)

it is the choice
that I want it to be
be in isolation
not a one creates a bandwagon
and the others follow
but we each create a wagon
and ride alone
if they lead to the same place
that is the choice of them
not a group wagon
so let me run away
let me chose on my own

but that is impossible, everything
is not in isolation
it is influenced
by families
by friends
by others choices
it is when I feel they don't
that i create a wagon
and drive my own
and end up with people in it

I don't like creating the band wagon
but I seem too
I don't know how
maybe it is my bluntness

and maybe someone
just likes the bandwagon
but they jump on any I create
then leave later
choosing to not commit
choosing to run away
then wait for me to pick them up again
They don't drive their own
but choose
to be on others
let them carry them
to the destination
it is then
do they know how to drive
how to live alone?

random

the wait

the wait
it wants to be there
it comes close
I see it all
all the doors
but I don't know the difference
they are all the same color
all there
all closed
not showing them
once I open them
I can't close the door and walk in another
all the doors are there
sitting
waiting
the anticipation
wanting it
like the flowers
it will blow me away
with the decision
no matter what
it will be something
"life changing"

But I wait
wanting to know
hoping to see a sign
I hate the wait
but it is necessary
to hope
to wait
to see them all start to open
and show their color.

random

why do i torture myself so?
it is that I am running away
not wanting to be online
with one of the two
the other has to deal with it because
i am hiding the lie
it is then
that I chose to be nice
it was a mistake
I want to repent
want to go away
to yell at him
to never again say anything
to avoid as much as I can
it is constant
a never ending dislike
I hate it all
I want it all to disappear
I wanted this not
not ever
especially on my birthday
it hurts
to watch as I will cry
from tears that hurt
not tears of joy
as i did torture myself so
but I am no longer wanting
to have to deal with them tomorrow
I can live here
away from the being online
hiding from it all.

Do you not understand
I want nothing more
than to go away
to hide
to curl up
and disappear
into the wall
away from all the issues
that i have
all the issues I have with everyone
there is but a few who could call me out
the few who can actually remind me why I live
but it is in these words
I cry
wanting to disappear
to never again
be online

random

part 2

why are you holding this conversation now
why do you understand
the tears I cry
the issues I have with you
they burn deep
I need to push you out fully
out of my mind
out of yours
away from me
I need you to do as you wish
but I need you to understand
don't let my efforts go to waste
let me go
but don't revert back fully
I never did
what I did I gave up with
he knows he could hold me again
control me
but it is then
that I remember what I learned
you choose not to learn
and I will leave you behind
learn from it all
so I can disappear
leave me be
so I can choose
once again be on my own
so I don't have to continue pushing
walk on your own
so I will no long feel bearing
to my promises to you
or to me
it is then
I wonder what I was thinking
at the beginning of the year
who was I
it is not me
it was not my other self
I am but the one
who wants to run away
and to live alone
in isolation
away from everyone
dead from the online bonds
dead from everything

random

101 she and I

She and I fight
we are opposites
against everything
we complete each other
but we do contradict
while one cries
the other yells at her
it was your mistake
you shouldn't be doing that
you will regret it
She sits
in the corner crying
no wanting to leave
letting the anger of I get to her
it is her fault
she is weak
she wants nothing to do
she wants to run away
so she sits freaking out
confused as to what to do

random

101 she and I

he is desperate
she says
I want to be friends with him
so does he
why can't that happen
she asks the other

he replaced Jared on you
you are now a requirement for him
he will always love you
and you don't need that burden

but it is the burden to share
the friendship

No stop it
you do understand what he wrote
it is nothing but lies
lies
he wants you back
he even said he won't get over you
that isn't good
why the hell does he have a back up all this time
and with Aisha
you hate her
does he even like sluts?
that might explain

but he is dear to me
I am trying
trying to push him out
but he's been with me for so many years
I
I don't understand
I want it all to go away

you've got to be kidding me
you can't erase the past and you know it.
There is nothing you can do
but run away now
plus why did he even want that
he should learn to just live on your own

He is just confused
let him be
let us talk again

you hate this feeling
you want it to go away
you were suicidal yesterday
just go away
and crawl back into seclusion
so no one notices
your pain

random

the piano guy

"The Girl and the Piano

It means nothing to be the pretty picture of the couple and the piano. Although one must admit, it is a pretty picture--even prettier whilst one is experiencing it.

And then the music! The music opens an entirely different dimension. One forgets whats around her. One forgets everything. One forgets that she isn't in love, but the music makes her feel as if she is.

It's quite silly; they're foolish, these notions. Of course the girl can't fall in love after one song for when the music stops, reality comes back into place, and the girl remembers that she isn't love--it's just the music. It's just that it's so nice...

She would like to be in love; she would like to hold onto that feeling that took everything away. Perhaps it would work if she could watch him play forever."

I like many have seen him play, I feel the same way, I understand. You and i have not been there together. you and me both, but it is the feeling, like hers that I understand, and makes me adore the guy too.

It is the chored, starting at the beginning, and watching his hands move, those large hand, go through the keys, playing pure music that is gorgeous and makes one even bitter in love, it is then, that we all understand, what to zanarkend was all about, what it all meant for him, what the piece was, it is then, I want to know that piece, and want to remember it all, so I can hold the exact feeling and emotion I treasure in a sealed box available to others to give, so they can feel this emotion once more.

random

fantasy fairy tale

I call him a guy for I do like him as a guy friend, but it is then, I do remember my crush, and it is then, that i question what I am doing.

I love him, I love him not,my heart turns and flips to it's own will.Tomorrow my fantasy will break and I will turn to ashes, but it was a great gift,the joys I had on my birthday,leaving everything to be a happy fantasy. It is after the day is done,after I return to sleep,that this feeling of love, this feeling of happiness, will turn to dust, and to the water and the snow, showing me tears.

It is in this state, this lovely state, I wish I could just fly again, it is when I think my wings are repaired,and I can move on, be aggressive, and watch me fall, it is then,that i understand, that i will no longer need there to be anything.

But I understand better, and in this state, unlike a guy, I can be easily taken advantage of, but it is now, that people adhere to my wishes, of no issues, with happiness around, not anything else, but that happiness.

It is this happiness that creates fairy tales, nothing more, and in this feeling, I will choose to close the curtain, but wishing it could stay forever,instead.

random

24 hours

for the record, I have polar opposite feelings in these past twenty-four hours, I am now flying free on a boat, wanting to sleep it and never get up, or never sleep and live in this feeling. 24 hours ago I was crying and knew I could cry myself to sleep so all of the problems would be gone.

This bubbliness replaces the crying, my thoughts of perusing a guy replace the suicidal ones, the thought f wanting to be alone, replaced by eternity together. I care not who, hence a love unneeded, that sticks o one, and the ones who gave this feeling to me.

Can I create another key, so I can always then,be a happy thing in their life, I would love it, but in 24 hours,the curtain closes again, and my life shatters.

In 24 hours
the curtain starts
the stage of sadness
turned happy
and then it closes again
such is the 24 hours of a day, such is the polar sides of me
now if only every day
could be as happy as this
then I would die a loved one
without needing to choose
who i love.

random

a fight of the wits

It has nothing more, than a fight. It starts with a change of mind, an opinion, and their beliefs. It ends in nothing different, hopefully, a nice discussion, but a battle, with no winner or loser. It is then, that it is their thought and mind, exchanging blows. Learning from the other wit is important, but it is then ,that one learns, but can still disagree.

The minds clash, wanting more and more, nothing more than short stories to explain the thought, like a thesis, but a questioned one, arguing for or against it.

Each time, learning more, it is more fun with the guys, their mind works different, I can't live with someone of the same value, when their is nothing more to give to the relationship, then what is the relationship. Hence friendship of offering without giving back, but giving too.

It is not what I nor you want, one could lose the battle and not care, but it is the battle worth fighting, not the conclusion.

random

concert of a day

The curtain opens, the tassels slowly moving up. The stage, the atmosphere open. the time set, the ticking clock till the curtain closes. The dragon comes, and another, one blueish green and European, one blue asian dragon, and a pure green European dragon. A monster, with tentacles for his whiskers, and beady eyes. A duck, with a white tuft of hair, and a orange beak. The blue waves underneath them all. They stare silently, showing that it is time to leave and ignore the the ticking clock.

The set changes, and opens to the house they live in, with a pond above the rest on the top floor. below, many other characters, all living there, and a door to a distant plant. This is not where we will go today. But the door out the house, exploring the new planet for another day.

A butterfly appears and flies off through the clear mirrored wall. And Then it disapears, like a bird wanting to be free. A black cloak of darkness cover the stage and everything becomes a new scene, getting ready for the white flakes of purity to rain down soon.

random

concert of a day part 2

The heat of the black darkness is unbearable, but as soon as the pure white balls hit the darkness, they cool everything down, taking the heat and the feelings and melting into the darkness. But it is then that the white becomes black, but more white comes, and overwhelms the black darkness, and turns it white.

The white stays, just for a bit, nothing for white, the contradiction amazing to the watcher, amazing but just as one gets tired of the white, it fades away showing a open room, with people bustling around, in a city square, offering their services and comparing them each. These services vary, getting ideas of new ones, how to create, in exchange for food, some getting hassled for their paper creation, some praised, most stilling and working while they wait for a sale.

The is a zoom in to one shop, with both food and a paper creations. Their is talk, and exchange of wits and money and creation. Asking how and what, and then, slowly, the market comes to a close. The black cloak of darkness covers again as the emptiness shows how little is left in the end. The movement comes back as some people walk on the emptiness, walking then sitting around each other, in a circle. Someone walks in, larger headed than the rest, and sits in the middle. He takes turn, dancing with each in the circle, dancing in a series of battles, one after another, until he is almost tired. The other circle people stop when they want to, as if to try and destroy the one on the inside. He falls over, collapsed from the time, and everyone in the outside of the circle pick up the fallen person, and carry him off to eat him.. Their act strange, or act similar to amazing. Such rudimentary people after thinking they are amazing for their dance is of a quality beyond the stars.

random

the piano guy part 2

The music hits my ears, the loneliness gone, the emotion felt, the inspiration renewed. It is then,and only then, that I understnad. I want to sit next to him, and play along, but I can not play. I would be satisfied with taking my cello out and accompanying but it is such that I can not, for it, my emotional creator, is gone, it is a while away from here, left in it's case. I want to move, I want to kiss him, but it is something I hold back and do nothing that would let my emotions free.

the let go, and I want, in secret, to play the same instrument that his hands touch, knowing it isn't the piano that created the emotion, but him,and his abilities, and not mine.I touch it, the purity, I play one not, then another, but it is something that I can't play, only one hand can I master, and not even the chords. His music shows talent, and determination, and lets it roam, even though he knows not it. The cello would do that for me, but I cannot have my creator, it is gone. I can not use another's it is mine, for me only.

to hear someone else hear it, I want the music only for my ears, but that is not possible, so I let it go, it isn't a big problem, but I wish it was mine only.But I shall share it, and I watch as her emotions react the same, knowing what could happen, but it is fine, I hope he will still play for me.

the world one wants to return to, that is Zanarkand, but it is then, that I know, we can only here it's own emotions in the piece, and only live will it be all that it can be, his emotions for the piece, his love, flowing through the keys, and into my ears, and that,that emotion is what I want to bubble again and let it go free as a bird, for we both cage it, but would the birds ever meet?

random

the decision of them all

I end up influencing them all, I know not why, but I am decisive, not anyone else, but it is also two people on the bandwagon. That isn't fun, but not insane, it bugs me just a bit, but it is fine, I end up doing what I want anyway.

The funny part is, now we have benefits, and everything, so I guess it is all good anyway. So this will be good for us all, but I hope, unlike the others, people stay with it.

In the end, I choose my own life, and if people follow that is fine, just don't do so in excessive so that you become a stalker, or just don't be a guy and do that, that was all a mistake. Now I understand.

In the end, let us have fun, and live on our own, but if you follow that is fine, if you are a follower that is fine too. If you follow me, that is also fine.

random

concert of a day part 3

it is in the dinner, the animals all dance around, carrying food each to their own place, somehow sitting in small circles, as if designated to sit there. They shove the small parts of multiple objects in their mouth, eating till they roll over. It is in this state they start rolling around, like small balls, moving every which way, and moving around, and out the door, breaking up each of the groups and off into the class.

One stays behind, confused, and has no idea what to do. They get more of this food, and in the end, choose to get another box, then another, carrying them back to the small house with the water and the duck. It joins full circle as the packages get dispersed and the dragons and the duck and the monster all eat together. Sitting on the water they stand, and it is then that one of them, the new dragon, is thankful for it all, and suggests to get more of it and to share with others.

random

concert of a day part 4

One dragon leaves, wanting to be alon,e and flies to the skies. In the skies there is life, in the skies their is another world that can be opened by paper bound together. This paper gives the dragon a world to go through, and so she does, wandering into a world of moonlight. Moonlight and romance and lovers, everyhting she misses and wants. She flies down, after wandering through the towers in the sky, and lands by a small tavern. This tavern smells wonderful, and holds paper and paper that is all bound together, and gives her many many worlds to go through. She wants to travel in them all, but knows better than too, it takes to much time. But she wants to take one home, to show to the others, for they also enjoy the worlds. She grabs one and walks out, leaving a small amount of her own efforts their in trade for the portal to another world.

random

concert of a day part 5

with the portal to another dimension in hand, she goes off, wanting to bring pack a small box for all her friends to share. The cloud and Kadaj and Sora would like this box, and she thinks it would be good. She goes into another tavern, and wants to try her favorite box. This box is smelly but it tastes better than all the others, the creaminess is amazing, but they like the red one, she doesn't mind it, but it isn't her favorite. After tasting her own box, she exchanges favors to get the red box. This is a present, but it is ok, it is worth the small amount of favor and abilities to give the present to her friends and roommates at home.

As she heads home, she starts to understand, she can fly, fly while carrying a portal, and still while understanding another. It is this another that she likes, and already has gone through one quarter of the paper. This wait, it is giving her time to understand the paper fully. She loves the other portal of paper, but this one is addicting, her nose buried into it,ignoring and almost missing her stop already once. She walks out into the darkness with the white balls of purity, leaving nothing left, and closing the portal so no purity goes into it, but the portal stays the portal it is, neither pure nor not pure.

randomly

to all those I miss dearly

I don't think I could love harder, or more. I don't think I could miss so hard it hurts, as it does now. I didn't think I could sound and feel so much like the classics. But they say them so well. I ache, I ache I miss you so bad. I feel like this piece of me is growing far too big for my chest to hold, that it is expanding to fill and stretch and push against my insides until it gets out.
Were we not, as they said, attached at the hip? Well my hip went away, and the place where it was attached is decaying.
Some of it was always true, even though I thought I smothered it, it only lay dormant. And I am so happy I've nothing to fear anymore, nothing to be confused about, nowhere that's the wrong place to be. So happy I finally feel like we both grew up.
And yet I clutch my pillow, as you clutch yours, wishing if it was the only wish we could ever have, that I be there, or you be here instead of a lousy pillow.

There's nothing I want more than you.

random

keys

the key has been given, I didn't know it was, but you materialized one, a shiny one I assume, only you would know, but you know not that you have one. It sits in your own shell, just like how you gained a key to my own, but it is this cage that you should open the door, but will you unlock mine, or hold the key and let me sit and watch as you find someone else,holding the shiny blueish skeleton key with all it;s delicacies in it, with you. Will you torment me with it, or will it be a safety precaution that you have it.

You are not the only one with it, there are some others in existence, no one person has soul ownership of a key, for their are copies, but it is those copies that can be given back, or watch as they disappear, the lock changed when it becomes to bad, when no one tries the door,then what happens then, but will you understand, that you are in ownership position, hold me with you, I like you too much to let you go,though I will in the end.

random

concert of a day part 6

the red box is caught, touched by purity, and in so starts becoming colder, as if all the usefulness has left it. The dragon comes back to her home, and drops the red box off, giving it to cloud and monster and the duck. They eat it together, and are happy with the dragon. They have not had this taste in ages, and wanted it badly. The small dragon leaves again, wanting to find her other friends, for all the dragons are gone from the room, and she wants to talk to them.

She walks out into the pure white balls and walks across a lane to a orange configured odd home. This home is a meeting area more than a house, but people can live there. She runs into some of her other friends, people who know her well, they talk about her, and talk about how she is great. It confuses her, everyone she knows is better than this small dragon, it is then that she began to remember, people here don't know too much, she spent seven years watching and learning,. not sure about them, but it seems like forever because of it. She remembers, the portal of paper she bought could give them insight, she loves to share her knowledge, but it is then, that she wants to give them her portal. But she can take it back later and use it, for them it is a rarity, so she hands it to them, hoping that they continue to go through this portal when they need something to do.