Alright here's the deal. I had a boyfriend for almost two years. I say had because I broke up with him on the 26th. The problem is, I still love him. I broke up with him because he became mentally abusive. I told him I would take him back if he got help. The thing is, my heart aches because I love him more than I have ever loved someone. I love him to my very core and everything I do reminds me of him. I worry that he'll get help and wind up not wanting to be with me anymore, even though he says he loves me the same way. I care so much for him it hurts. I just don't want to be mentally abused anymore. We've remained friends but I worry my sticking around him will continue to make me want to go back to him in his current state. I want to be friends with him because we've known each other for many years. He knows everything about me and vice versa. I can't imagine cutting off contact with him. It would leave such a void.

So I guess my questions are, what can I do to not allow myself to want to go further in a relationship with him than where it is now? How can I express to him I don't want to loose him to someone else without sounding like I want him back this instant? How can I continue to remain friends while fighting back feelings of love? All in all, I'm asking for help.

It sounds like you still have feelings for him, the question is do you want to give him another go? Is it worth it to you? Have you guys talked about the abuse and is he willing to get help? You going back to him would of course hinge on many of those questions. Now, if trying to be friends and knowing that he will search for love elsewhere will put your heart at risk, either you accept the loss and move on doing whatever it means to be able to let go-- usually for me I cut all ties with the person I was with and have no contact whatsoever-- otherwise you're keeping yourself open to get hurt-- or you take him back... How has he abused you mentally if I may ask-- does he call you names or neglect you?

Sounds like you might want to see different guys.

I understand that you have a pretty deep connection with this person. But ask yourself something: Do you deserve to be in a relationship where you're not being mentally abused? If it's yes, then I would distance yourself from the idea of being with this guy again. Why? Well, say if he does decide to get help, it's very likely that his mental frustrations will come at you again. Maybe not always directly. Did he ever acknowledge the fact that he was being mentally abusive? If the answer is no, then that's a red flag. Let him get help and see how his behavior changes.

In the meantime, try seeing other guys. Two years is a lengthy time to be in a relationship, and maybe it's good for you to take a break from it all. Try to remember the things /you/ liked about yourself before your relationship. Try to think what your ideal relationship is and set standards. I think it's okay to continue to be friends with the guy, but don't let it become your life.
He may very well find someone else who will take his mental abuse, and it'll be much more difficult for you to move on then. Give yourself some insurance and invest your emotions into someone who you think will treat you right.

The way you wrote your topic made it sound like the decision to break up was your fault. It wasn't.
Sometimes you just have to think about your own well-being, otherwise you won't be happy.

@Kole: I do want to give him another go and I do feel it's worth it in the end. There is this strong connection we have. I know him better than I know myself sometimes and that says a lot. He's the same way when it comes to me. We have talked about the abuse numerous times since the break up and he is willing to seek help for it. The mentally abusiveness was he would say something, I'd get upset, he'd apologize, promise not to do it again/change, and then do it all over again.

@Deviant: I know I deserve not to be abused. I do. I also know he acknowledged he was abusive when we spoke about it after the break up. He does want to change and get help. I can tell and I know he will. It just sucks because I do care for him so much and I do not ever see that care disappearing, considering we were friends before we got together and now we remain friends. He's someone I can't see my life without.

Originally Posted by BleedXWell

@Kole: I do want to give him another go and I do feel it's worth it in the end. There is this strong connection we have. I know him better than I know myself sometimes and that says a lot. He's the same way when it comes to me. We have talked about the abuse numerous times since the break up and he is willing to seek help for it. The mentally abusiveness was he would say something, I'd get upset, he'd apologize, promise not to do it again/change, and then do it all over again.

@Deviant: I know I deserve not to be abused. I do. I also know he acknowledged he was abusive when we spoke about it after the break up. He does want to change and get help. I can tell and I know he will. It just sucks because I do care for him so much and I do not ever see that care disappearing, considering we were friends before we got together and now we remain friends. He's someone I can't see my life without.

You and I sound like we are in the same boat-- in some instances-- my bf can be quite cold sometimes and is definitely disconnected from me in ways but in some ways very connected. I'm like you I want to give him the benefit of the doubt since he is trying to change-- but the key is trying-- in the end if you still love him you got to go back to him-- as long as he acknowledges that he loves you in wants to change-- otherwise you will be very depressed. This is one of those things-- it will either work or will end in a train wreck... I know the situation-- my bf and I were just friends but ended up becoming lovers even though he claimed he was straight. I really wish you the best on whatever decision you make. If you need to talk about it feel free-- venting helps an awful lot.

Well he and I were talking a lot these past few days. He apologized and told me he is going to work on it. I told him I'm going to work on my issues to. We decided to get back together. We said we need to work on each other as well as the relationship. It was too hard for us to be apart. He's doing better so far, we both are. I think we're going to try and take it slower than before.

They never change.

My ex abused me mentally.
Made me feel awful and horrible, played a push and pull game--he only wanted me when I was doing my own thing, but whenever I was with him all he did was tell me about how I needed to be more independent.
I was miserable and depressed.
We broke up for a variety of reasons, and then to try and get me back he tried to kill himself, and then he asked me to marry him.
Neither of which worked--I was too afraid for myself.

Fast forward a year later, we're both dating new people, but time and time again he's shown me that while he's gotten "help" he still doesn't respect me, my choices, my wants or needs.
He said something incredibly inappropriate to me the other day--for which I cursed him out because I was very upset.
3 days later he texts me telling me he's up in NY near where I used to live...He never apologized, never made any note of feeling bad for what he said to me (in fact, he told me I was overreacting...I'm sorry but I don't think suggesting that I "fuck him" is something you should say to your ex girlfriend when both of you are dating new people) and how he made me feel...nothing.
Maybe he'll change 10 years from now, but, I doubt it.

I would not forgive him, and I would not get back with him.
Run, run as fast as you can. If he shows you a long time from now that he's gotten better, give him a shot. But for a healthy relationship to work, he can't be mentally abusive--and even if he is "working on it" it probably means that he'll keep doing it, and doing it for as long as you'll let him.