Yay thank you, And I've used longer sentances....in older ones XD

I really don't mean to offend, but saying poetry needs no structure or however you phrased it is entirely incorrect to me.

I just wanted to post my opinion, not argue, as far as poetry goes, I enjoyed em :]

I really don't like free line poetry. It just comes off as lazy to me most of the time.

BUUUUUT

I actually sat through a few of your poems, and honestly didn't mind it all that much. So I suppose this is a good thing :]

A few suggestions.

Someone earlier mentioned redundancy, and that person is a saint to offer such advice :D This is an example, but if you use the word "Shadow" 7 times in a single poem, you've taken out any possible unique or creepy element, and replaced it by this "look at me look at me! I'm dark and everything is painful" idiotic poem destroyer. Your poems were no where NEAR that bad, don't get me wrong haha. But it does help to change words around a bit. Another thing I would like to point out is people using the word "crimson" to sound like a profound adjective. It's such a cliche word for any sort of poetry that has a macabre feel to it. I would recommend staying away from any word like that. That is if you're wanting people to enjoy your poetry, if it's just for you, and you don't have a care in the world for what people think, just posting for the sake of posting, then as long as you like them, it doesn't matter :D

Because you don't have much of a rhyme scheme in several of these (the ones I read at least, sorry if I passed over some good ones :[) makes me drift away from poetry, and think of it more along the lines of a short story. (I understand it is still poetry, but free(?) poetry just comes off as lazy to me, regardless of how many people think otherwise haha) Regardless of semantic arguments as to each are both and separate blah blah blah, I wanted to ask if you have ever tried your hands at writing short story form?

You will have to work on your grammar (which honestly, not being very skilled at it is no excuse whatsoever. You should try to educate yourself every chance you get, and Microsoft word and Firefox have built in spell/grammar checks.) but a short story will allow you to paint a more elaborate picture, without having to worry about if it rhymes or not. Perhaps not as socially profound as writing poetry is, I wouldn't mind seeing you try it and letting me know so I could come read it :D It's very freeing to shed the structural suggestions of poetry, and to dive into this ever expanding world of free (for the most part now, keep up with me ;]) writing limitation, where it's only as limited as how fast you can type, or how quick you can move a pencil. (I think short story fans will be a lot harsher on grammar, since poetry has become such a mainstream thing for young children wishing to express angst. Most people I have met that lurk short story forums, myself included, feel that since it's closer to being an actual work of literature, that stricter grammatical rules should be taken into consideration. But again, it would be nice to see what you throw together :D)

It's just my personal opinion, because so many people look at the way I write poetry and don't look at what I'm trying to say.
But thank you for the critique

Originally Posted by TanaChan

I hate grammar, probably because I can't use it, I hardly use it in my poetry, and the site I usually post my poetry on whines on and on about grammar and it's proper uses...it really annoys me because poetry doesn't need such trappings.

Actually it does as grammar implies a lot in the poem that words often can't, though the lines of grammar can be bent and abused, they're still extremely needed. Here are some examples of where you need grammar and where you don't using my own pieces::


"Where Grammar can be bent"


Some Special & Meaningful Title Is Suppose To Go Here[/B]

1) I resisted!

2) 'I'm falling in love with her' I thought.
Or he did, I mean.
...
I'm starting to wonder if you
're elapsing my mind ..... & ..... that
was really about me. Can
't really tell at the moment. Give me
time to decipher all this.

3) I'm not lost.
Not yet, anyway.
Come back in a week and I
'll perplex you then. Something
harder to chew on may stop
your teeth from rattling on about me
and what we 'are(/n't)'.

4)We're sleeping together tonight,
Right?

5)We may be mammals,
but nothings going on between
these sheets that spells anything
out(wrong)right - correctly.
I just want to lose the game
and give in. All I ask is
'adore me'.

6) i see you
[throw on those outdated eyes;
the ones that still butterfly my
heart-string leading to you]
're leaving again.

'I'm falling a .......... part in him.'
............................ we know.

Notice, there is still grammar being properly used, while in other places it's jumbled and cut off and used to seperate thought (like the brackets []) and some of it isn't capatialized because of the want to make that line feel jumped into or whatever. It's still desperately needed to give flow though.


"Where Grammar Is Absolutely Needed"

Her

Her cinnamon swirls pinned up
under a cotton webbed cap with fire
lit sky colored eyes peeking at him.
Freckles stick out under the rogue

under a cotton webbed cap with fire
seeping past open glossed lips.
Freckles stick out under the rogue
redirecting his attention from her work.

Seeping past open glossed lips
are words he desperately needed for
redirecting his attention from her work--
but who could deny this penniless love?

Are words he desperately needed for
his moment to make a life time enough?
But who could deny this penniless love
that only a poet dared described?

His moment- to make a life time enough-
lied against pages of sketches for feminine wiles
that only a poet dared described
and then all that stopped mattering to him had...

lied. Against pages of sketches for feminine wiles
lit sky colored eyes peeking at him
and then all that stopped mattering to him had
her cinnamon swirls pinned up.

In this one, because of the form at hand, lines are repeated and reaused, but they are also cut off and restarted in the middle of to be used differently throughout the poem. Without the proper usage of grammar it would read much like this::

seeping past open glossed lips
are words he desperately needed for
redirecting his attention from her work
but who could deny this penniless love

are words he desperately needed for
his moment to make a life time enough
but who could deny this penniless love
that only a poet dared described

his moment to make a life time enough
lied against pages of sketches for feminine wiles
that only a poet dared described
and then all that stopped mattering to him had


It's jumbled, hard to follow and pretty much makes no sense. It's a horrid mess! That's why people grumble about grammar. You really do need it.

I understand that grammer is good at times, I'm not saying I'm against it...completly

Then you should use it. Before I'd ever even seriously critique your work, I'd have you fix the grammar, because there could be a point I miss completely or interpret incorrectly because it's not there to guide me. Not only that, but you're work looks messy and unprofessional as if you don't really care at all, to which I'd reply; why even bother writing or posting it up at all?

See the point in it now?

but when I write I don't really think in the first place, and for me, it's not about what I'm trying to get across, it's about what the reader gets from my work

The reader will get whatever they want from it reguardless of what you want. So you write for yourself. You think anything I write about is honestly the same subject or point that my audience recieves. You could go pick one and nit-pick at it and still would only be able to graze the feelings it had.

The only thing you should care about when it comes to the reader is did they enjoy it? Are they going to come back for more? Did they fully understand everything? Were they left with more questions than answers?

Poetry is an art, much like painting. I usually always compare the two because they are so much alike. An artist needs all the essentails; detail, percision, correct color usage, ect. just as a poet needs grammar, imagery, metaphor, correct word usage and all the other devices to make that same picture/situation/feeling come alive. No, you're reader will NEVER feel the same way as you do. Why? Because everyone experiences and processes things different. People read to escape and know that they're not alone and be nosy. They want to know what YOU'VE gone through, because they already know their own story.


That's what poetry is for; to express yourself in your way but as an art that no other can match and to take that same, boring bullshit and make it scream WOW, I am ART! This is how this happened. This is how this made me feel, but you make them see it and experices your life through words; much the way an artist does through their works.

I understand where your coming from, and I think my main thing about grammar, was the comma's and periods, all the punctuation.
I have always had issues with writting except when it came to poetry

Then at least take the advice given on the grammar instead of being rude and comepletely ignoring it. Sooner or later it'll click when you start to write that "Oh, yea, a semi-colon would go here instead". I was the same way until I was critiqued over and over and over and after a bit I would read my work and be able to pick out what was the correct puncutation. It's not hard. Just you were being rude about it.

I didn't realize that I was being rude.
But I'm 20, I've had to write all the time, all kinds of essays. I've had people tell me where stuff should go before, and I've read over my own stuff. I have never gotten it, and I'm afraid I never will.

you're age is not an excuse, so don't try to play it off. I'm only 21 and have been writing for 10 years; just now got to the point of being able possibly get published.

No matter how you go about it, some kind of grammar is needed to some degree.

I'm not trying to play it off, and now it sounds to me like you are the one being rude.
I've submitted my stuff to some poetry contests and have been chosen to get published in their book, I've even gotten an editors Choice award when I was still in high school from the same people. And it was no small contest, I found it online and just submitted a few of my work.
The reason I post here is because I'm trying to find a place where someone might actually like my poems and not just tell me that they are straight up shit.
I've been writing since I was in middle school, probably about teh same amount of time you have been, and I still don't understand all the rules with the punctuation.
No matter what I do every one seems to think my witting is crap
I'm beginning to see that there is no point in trying to please anyone because no one gives a shit about other people.

Lover's Never Tell
Look, Tana writes poems for fun to express herself freely without prosecution, you need to stop and chill out alright? Not everyone wants to be published. This is a hobby for some people alright? I fear you've taken the critiquing just a tad too far so, how about this drop the subject and move on stop acting like a child alright? Try and bring something nice up about Tana's poems, not everything negative.

Not everyone will want your help, please, accept this and move on.

Tana is my friend and I will not stand for her to be treated poorly, understand?

Tana
Hun you may want to, in the future, revise your poems, fix minor problems then post them up to avoid this conflict again. If you dont want to, post right on the first page that, you have a unique writing style and that you will not tolerate those who point out all negative sides of your poetry.

PS i love your poems, i love what they say, that's what some people should look for, the meaning and not the grammatical errors which lie on the surface.

I have to agree with Kai on this one. :yes: Lovers, you don't need to be so harsh when you give critique. Perhaps some positive critique would be welcomed along with changes you have for someone to make. :yes: I don't think that Tana has been rude to you in any fashion -- she just writes that way because she wants to, and if she doesn't want to change her style for you, so be it. You can't force someone to be grammatically correct. :yes:

Awww, thank you Sizzla.
I do at least try to make sure my things are spelled correctly, so if I have something that's misspelled then please someone tell me

I apologize if I came off as rude. I was just making a point in saying that it is needed to some degree. Her poetry is good for starters. As simple therapy poetry goes, sure, it's great stuff. But all in all, I think that if someone posts their work they should accpet the point that people are going to come along that don't like the way they write and will say so. If she found me rude, I had no problem cooling it down if she asked, but she didn't, so I never thought it was taken wrongly.

I was simply giving good advice. No, not everyone wants to be published. I'm not saying I was prepping her for it either. Just that some of the pieces could benifit from puncutation.




In another note:::
I offered to open a thread where people would post for critiques. I was told that's what the forum was for and denied this thread. So, going by what the mods told me, if you didn't want the critique, then you should state so in the subject or at least the first post. Just my suggestion and it's in general. Not to you specifically, Tana.

I understand where you are coming from, some people do wonders with all the little commas and periods, and that stuff
I how ever. Have never been good at using it, and never will be. I have accepted this.
though I do try to at least make sure my spelling is correct, for the most part XD

ANSWER ME PLEASE!
My divine Deities

My prayer is small to you
Just one of thousands.

But my heart aches for you
It aches for the unkown truth
To feel your gentle hand
To know your love for me
For all things

I am but one person
Just another pleading breath
But unlike those others,
I will not go away

I will stay
With my upturned face.
Happy to be bathed in your light.

It is just a matter of time my dear
The wind has whispered to me

It cackles as it draws the fire higher
The flames begin to lick at my feet
The smoke steals my breath

Tears fall and sizzle in the flames
Not enough to put them out
And soon I smell burning earth
Pain shoots up my body
And I cry out in desperation

And then I feel no more
Just a kind and gentle warmth

I like the poem you did yesterday, and they make me think. :O

Also, my poetry thread is dead and there is no bringing it back. :cry: I guess I have to post a new one someday. I'll like this thread. :)

YAY!!! THANKIES!

Mirror

Ribbons flutter
Dying the water red
It pools in puddles
Water spills the ground

I look up at the ceiling
The flood gates open and taste of salt

The mirror grins back at me as crimson tides break
I left a trail in hopes to be saved.

I wake and blink
Something blinds me
And I see a face.
Groaning softly a flash of pain

All I hear is why and harsh sobbing.

I'm sitting here at my funeral
And you don't seem to care

Knocking on the reflection
Banging on the mirror
A shadow of me is all that's left

And you lead me here

I had already posted the one I ahd put here....so I changed the post.
sorry for those of you who do read these

Nice poems.
Some people are so mean.