Alexi thought about lying. Thought about telling Roland he was okay even though he wasn't. Because he was afraid if Roland new the truth he would leave. But then he decided that maybe telling him the truth would be better. Maybe if he told the truth Roland would tell the truth. He realized that if they were going to live together they would have to be honest with each other.

"No, I'm not," He whispered. "I'm a mess. I'm depressed, probably clinically. I have severe abondoment issues. Among other things." He admitted snuggling against the man he loved. The man he was scared to death of loosing.

Roland could only listen, he wasn't sure how to handle this confession from Alexi. "We're all a mess." He mumbled, shaking his head. "I'm here for you, we can get through this." That he felt pretty sure about, that they could manage whatever they needed to, together. He wrapped his arms tightly around Alexi, holding him close, not knowing what else to do. He knew he should probably admit his problems, his secrets, but he was sure it would only make things worse, make Alexi worry more.

Roland sighed and rested his head against Alexi. "I love you, no matter what."

"I was so worried you would hate me. That you would want nothing to do with me if you knew. That's why I waited so long to tell you." He snuggled him kissing his neck. "But I figured if we were going to have a life together we needed complete honesty." He would be lieing if he said he wasn't disappointed that Roland hadn't shared about the pills with him. But he could sort of understand why. He leaned up and kissed Roland softly. He loved this man with all his being.

"As if any of that would matter?" Roland said with a smile, returning the kiss. "Now eat." He ordered, knowing that they all needed their strength. Besides, he wanted, need to change the subject. It wasn't the time to disclose his problems, not while he planned to work on them. He would go longer and longer without the pills, depriving himself until he could live without. Surely he was capable of that, he was strong enough to overcome this. He helped Alexi to his feet and stood himself, "I am going to get us some water." He grabbed a bucket that had been sitting by the door, swinging it as he left the cabin and went to the stream. He wasn't sure how he felt about drinking water from the stream, but they had little choice.

Alexi watched him go. He was more tired then hungry. But he sat at the seat that Roland had abandoned. He nibbled a bit on the sandwich. That conversation had gone a lot better then he thought it was going to. He had the worst case in his mind. Roland hating him and walking out on him going back to his family. He pushed that thought aside quickly. It hadn't ended like that. Roland had accepted him, faults and all. He also pushed the pills out of his mind as well. It wouldn't do to dwell on what Roland wasn't ready, or able, to talk about.

Lucius climbed into Alexi's lap and snuggled against him as he continued to eat his own sandwich. He proceeded to tell him about the city, well more of a town, that he had found last night when he had gone out exploring. Alexi listened and smiled. Maybe at some point they would go there. But now was not the time to push it with Roland and he knew that. One step at a time.

(OOC: I have so many ideas for this town.)

Roland had been returning with the water when he heard the boy telling Alexi about what he had found, the town where they supposedly could live in peace. It still sounded far too good to be true, Roland didn't believe that there was a chance, and yet... who was he hurting by not allowing the chance to see what happens? He was conflicted.

When they went silent he stepped inside, putting the bucket down in the kitchen area. He wasn't sure if he should bring up what Lucius had found or if he should ignore it, seeing how they fared here in the cabin. Trying to make these choices, to decide what is right, made his head hurt. Already his hands began to shake, far too soon. He wasn't sure he could do this. He grabbed a glass, filling it from the bucket, drinking deeply from it, hoping to help him stop the need. "We have only two days before my father's big event... Before..." He trailed off, not sure how much to reveal in front of the boy. He wasn't sure there was anything they could do.

Alexi noticed Roland's hands shaking. He was worried about him. He set Lucius down and went over to him. He took his hands in his own giving them a gentle squeeze. He wasn't sure if there was anything they could do. They were just three people. He let go of Roland's hands and wrapped his arms around him. He didn't know what to do or say. He just knew he had to be strong. He couldn't afford to give into the voice in his head that told him to just give up. To just curl up and die. That voice was also telling him he wasn't worth it. And itbwas exhausting him.

"I'm okay." Roland snapped and pulled away from Alexi, needing a moment, some space to work through his problem. He didn't want the concern, the pity, any of that, he would be fine, he had to be. "We need to keep ourselves busy, get used to the situation, then it will all be better. You can go fish, catch us something for dinner. Lucius can see if there are any wild strawberries or blackberries near by. I'll get more wood for our fires." He was sure that's what they needed, they needed to focus on survival, making sure they will be fed and warm, then they could work out the emotional, the other issues that might come up. Plus, if he kept busy he wouldn't need to take another pill, not yet. He gave Alexi a small kiss, trying to assure him that it was all okay.

Roland just hoped they were safe. He didn't know how often people came through the woods, he knew he and his friends had before, not as far deep as the cabin, but perhaps others knew about it, might come when the fight in the city broke out... He kept his fears to himself, not wanting to worry Alexi anymore.

Alexi was heartbroken when Roland pulled away. So Roland was allowed to be there for him but he was'nt allowed to be there for Roland? How was that even fair? Maybe the voices were right. Maybe he was worthless. Maybe it would be better off for everybody if he was dead. He walked out of the cabin with out a word and headed to the stream. He sunk to the ground pulling his knees to his chest. He buried his face in his knees. He knew they needed food, and he would get to that. He fought back the urge to find something sharp. He just really wanted to feel anything besides this ache in his soul. He grabbed a sharp rock staring at it. The darkness of the stone contrasted with the whiteness of his skin. He wondered what the blood would look like against his skin. How much would it stand out against his skin? He put the sharp edge of the stone against his wrist.

Roland had been caught up in wanting to keep busy that he didn't notice the change in Alexi's mood. He had seen Alexi leave, glad that he was there to help out, since Roland knew little about catching fish. His collecting took him close to the stream and he looked for Alexi, smiling when he saw him. Yet, it didn't look right, why was he holding that rock? Roland moved closer, "Is everything okay?" He sat down on the ground beside him, taking the rock, wondering just what it was he was doing here, what the look on his face meant. He rested his head against his shoulder, he didn't know what to say, how to ask what he just saw, but he wanted to be there for Alexi, to comfort him.

Alexi jumped a bit hearing Roland's voice. Hebhadntbheard the other man approach. He didn't fight when the rock was taken from him. Nothing was okay. He was falling apart. He wanted to be there for Roland, but he knew that wasn't going to be possible. Not if Roland was going pull away like that Amy time he tried to comfort him.

"Everything's fine." He said resting his head on Roland's head.

He knew it wasn't all right, if it was he wouldn't have walked over to see what he did. Roland sighed and wrapped his arm around Alexi, pulling him closer. "I need you, you know. I can't do this without you." He needed him to understand that he couldn't do this by himself, that without him he would be back with his father, miserable, his life spiraling out of control. "I love you..." He reminded him, squeezing his side lightly. He closed his eyes and just rested there, enjoying this small bit of time together, but he wished he knew how to help Alexi, to make him see how important he was to him.

Alexi out his arms around Roland. "I need you too. It justbhurt when you wouldn't let me comfort you." He had decided that he needed to let himbknowbhow he felt. "It made me feel a bit worthless. Like I didn't matter." He hated admitting this. He knew It would upset Roland. But he had just made a promise to be honest and open with Roland. Even if he wouldn't be honest and open with him. He kissed Roland's neck softly.

Roland sighed, he should have known his distance would upset Alexi. "I'm sorry you feel like that, I didn't intend to hurt your feelings or make you feel worthless... I just, I'm used to distance, cold indifference." His patents hadn't been the most hands on when it came to showing affection. They weren't terrible parents, but he had no fond menorah of childhood hugs or cuddling with them, so this was all he knew.

"I just don't want you to worry about me." He could handle himself and Alexi had enough to deal with, plus the addition of Lucius. "But that doesn't mean I don't need you, because I do." That was the truth, he couldn't be here on his own and there was no going back to his father now.

"But I do worry about you. I always have." And that was the truth. Every time they would part he would worry. He knew the kind of environment that Roland went back to. "I was thinking about the city Lucius said he saw." He commented needing to change the subject.

At that Roland sighed, pulling away from Alexi and leaning back, resting on the ground, arms folded behind his head. "Do you think it is a good idea, to risk being seen by anyone who might know my father?" He didn't want to be so negative, but he had to voice his concerns, his fears. If they told his father where he was, and his father came for him, what could they do? Sure, his father couldn't make him go home, but he could make things... difficult. His father would not be okay with him being with a mutant and would do whatever he could to stop them. He was rich, Roland was sure he could make things happen.

"If it's true that mutant and humans live together there do you really think your father would have any supporters?" He was glad that Roland was voicing his concerns and fears. He lay down next to Roland. He laid his head on Roland's shoulder. He just wanted to a place to feel safe. A place where they wouldn't have to worry about food. "I have a theory about how your father and others like him haven't found this place." He said softly. "If you want to hear it."

Lucius was waiting in the cabin. He had seen the two talking by the river and knew that it was important that they did talk. He ate a few berries and sipped on some water.

It seemed Alexi didn't understand how ruthless his father could be if he really wanted something. Sighing, he closed his eyes and tried to stop the doubts for just a moment, to hear what he had to say. "What's your theory?" Roland was curious, he couldn't imagine that a place like that could exist so close with someone like his father around. Surely by now he would have bought and controlled the town into submission. The forest around them was so peaceful, he was almost enjoying the quiet of it all, compared to the noisy, busy city. No horns, no yelling, nothing but the occasional plane overhead to remind him that they still lived in a modern world. Well that and the cell phone in his pocket that he struggled to leave be, realizing just how much he used to use his phone. How many missed calls and texts did he have now?

"There are mutant, who can put up a barriers around places. That to get to that place you have to have need, and mean no harm. Other people just seem to move around it or away from it." He breathed in the fresh air. "I know Marcus always wanted a mutant like that. But he could never get one. I think we should check it out. There is a reason Lucius found the place when he did." He was silent for a moment. "I need help Roland. I know that. Maybe..." He let out sigh running his fingers through his hair.

Roland took a deep breath, he wasn't sure he could tell Alexi no, how could he do that to the man he loved when all he wanted seemed so simple? Sure, Alexi was convinced of these powers, but Roland wasn't, it sounded too good to be true, but then again he had spent very little time anywhere near a mutant and knew little about their powers. He figured most of them were like Alexi, could control some element or something and looked a little different, nothing more. Could one really be so powerful? His father would go mad if he knew.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to go..." He managed after awhile, hoping that would please Alexi. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be so near people, or that he'd really be accepted when they knew who he was, who his father was. Maybe if he was some regular human it wouldn't be so bad, but his father was behind many of the anti-mutant laws in the area, and people knew his face from his years standing by his father's side. He let out a sigh and sat up, holding Alexi's hand in his, squeezing lightly.

Alexi returned the squeeze. He could sense Roland's uneasiness and he got it. Most people knew him beause of who his father was. He reached up touching his lovers cheek. As much as he yearned to go and find this town he wouldn't rush things. "We don't have to go today."

Roland smiled, glad that Alexi wasn't going to push him to leave right this moment. "We should soon, though. With my father's event going on soon, and Marcus' attack, it may not be safe to be as close to the city as we are right now... Perhaps if this new place doesn't work out we can go even further, leave this place entirely..." That would be ideal to him, get so far away that people don't even know his father's name, let alone what his son looks like. Could the entire country really hate mutants so much? He wasn't sure, but it was worth it to find out, if only so they didn't have to struggle everyday just to survive.

"Perhaps tomorrow..." He began, but trailed off, already growing nervous at the idea of facing other people. He wasn't ashamed of his relationship with Alexi, but he wasn't sure he wanted to face stares and hatred from them.

"Tomorrow sounds perfect." Alexi said leaning up and kissing Roland. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my suicidal tendencies. But I'm glad you found me in enough time to stop me." What if he was wrong about the city being protected. What if Roland wasn't accepted because of who his dad was. All these thoughts ran a race around his head. He was just so exhausted. He knew he was running himself ragged. But he just couldn't seem to turn off the thoughts and worried. Especially because he still didn't know about why Roland took the pills. What had started him on them.

Roland returned the kiss, sighing softly. "Just please, come to me next time... I'm here for you." This was true, he wanted to always be here for Alexi, he hoped he always would be able to be. Right now he wouldn't let his concern for what they were going to do tomorrow worry him too much, or at least not show Alexi how he felt. He dug his fingers into the grass beneath him, trying to hide the trembling he was feeling. He should tell him, should let him know he had his own problems, that he wasn't perfect, but if he wanted him to stop then... well he knew there would be fights. He couldn't stop, already a few hours later and he wanted another pill, how could he go days, or weeks, without them? The only plus, he hoped, to going back to the city was that he'd be able to get a hold of more pills when the time came.

"Well, I think it's about time for dinner, and then I suppose we will need to pack if we're going to leave tomorrow..." He stood up, pulling Alexi up with him.

"I'm here for you too." He said putting a hand gently on Roland's shoulder. "You aren't alone either." /And how can I feel right coming to you when you have your own demons to battle? He thought to himself. He had to believe things would work out. He had to hope things would get better when they got to the city. But how could they get better when Roland kept this part of him hidden? He took a deep breath trying to remain calm as the wind picked up a bit. He heard Roland mention dinner and packing for tomorrow.

"I guess I should go catch us a fish." Alexi said standing. The wind had died down once Alexi had something to focus on.