Hey guys I'm posting some of my poetry ^-^ tell me if you like them or not and what i can improve. i like harsh critiques, so don't hold back ;)

The Candle

There's a lone candle in the dark corner of the universe
It stubbornly flickers until the end of time
Hearing nothing but silence and the soft breathing of stars
inhale,
exhale,
silence.
The stars mimic the candle's glow, and some humans look up to them
Unlike the flame, the stars give no guidance, leading their watchers astray
But the candle sits quietly, forever listening
inhale,
exhale,
silence.
The candle has a name, though it cannot remember what it is
Its name hasn't been spoken in so long
So, with complete patience, the candle infinitely waits
inhale,
exhale,
silence,
But then the candle hears a faint voice calling its name,
"Hope."
As the voice starts to get stronger, more sure of itself,
The candle notices its source - a young girl looking, not at the candle,
But into the sparkling eyes of the boy beside her
She sees Hope reflected in his eyes.
The candle, with unparalleled happiness, grows brighter, its flame dancing
And, with renewed purpose, the candle eagerly awaits its next caller
Patiently listening to nothing but the stars
inhale,
exhale,
silence.

and here's another one of my poems. hope you like it.

Reality Check

This world is harsh and icy,
A poisonous gas that chokes you
If you breathe it too deep.
Our world is overspilling with
Lies,
Pain,
Fear,
Murder,
Hatered,
And superficiality
(which is no better than the rest.)
Four letter words overpopulate our soundwaves;
All except love,
Which only has a ghost like existence,
Seen only by a few lucky people.
The rest only see lust,
Or nothing at all,
And no one tries to create change.
Try and save the world and it crucifies you.
So, lives consist of nothing but apathy.
Head home, my friend, and dwell on death,
'Cause it, and only it, will save you.

and hey here's another one

Insanity

insanity enters in
breathing
bleeding
seething
screaming
the answer to the puzzle.
ears covered too quickly,
for irrational ideas
are subject to scrutiny
and end up being shoved
back into perfect boxes
scolded
molded
folded
bolted
by the masses and skeptics
who have been nominated
to decide the complete truth
of ev'ry difficult subject
and pat sanity's head
in no support of
straying
straining
unchaining
craning
to see a different angle
of their clean-cut view of truth
that sometimes seems to favor
answers abstract and insane.


feel free to critique my poems as harshly as you want :D
i will probably add more poems later

here's another one. it's a sonnet, so its more structured obviously. do you guys like the structure of this one? or do you prefer my free-verse poems better?

Fallen Angel

You shake and tremble; tears run down your face,

Because of everyone who wants you dead.

Your heart’s held together with a silver lace.

To tragedy, it seems, you have been wed.

You yearn for forgiveness from those you avoid.

They hate you for all the mistakes you’ve made.

Your happiness is thoroughly destroyed.

Hidden well, your sadness is not displayed.

You’ve created a mask made out of rock.

Nothing can penetrate through your disguise.

Sorrow and despair deep inside you are locked

From the ones who seek to rip your heart with knives.

I see past your mask; I can read your mind.

I’m the silver lace keeping you alive.

here's another one structured in a different type of sonnet:

Current Way of Life

Why isn’t there more love than all this hate?

Why are there wars, deceit, and a need to fear?

It’s hard to breathe when the world’s flooded with tears.

We’re all headed towards ruin at this rate.

Minds have inverted: evil becomes great.

Compassion has begun to disappear.

There’s more suicide; no one perseveres.

What do you do when the world’s in this state?

Just keep living when all has gone awry.

When you feel like dying, keep moving on.

Love everyone and never hold a grudge.

You might not change the world, but you must try

To return the world back to ways foregone.

All in all just try to see past this dark smudge.

i was trying to practice working with metaphors in this one:

Life

Swelling up and bubbling over syrupy sweet
running down and sticking to your fingers for a brief moment,
then dripping down into the dusty air
landing noiselessly on the edge of your shoe,
slowly turning into a sugary hard crust
completely forgotten.

this one's really old, but it doesn't suck too badly, or maybe it does... what do you guys think?

Unreality

Running.
Running away from my true identity.
Being pulled from who I want to be
To being someone else.
Someone pushes me into a pit.
I start to fall away from reality.
I want to be back on solid ground,
But I want to be with my angel,
Away from all their stares
From those who don't want us together.
Forever.
In the safety of unreality.
Helpless.
I cry, but no one is there to comfort me.
I scream, and my voice is swallowed up
From the emptiness around me.
No one can see beyond my mask,
The mask that hides my true identity.
Life would be so much easier
If it was just a dream.
An illusion.
But it isn't, and yet no one notices
That I have disappeared.
Disappeared into unreality.
Lost without a way out.
And yet, I don't care anymore.

one of my rare poems that actually rhymes instead of being free-verse:

This Strangled Hope

Eyes like an iron gate;
Dark and secretive.
This heart that holds no hate;
Only misery.
A soul that waits for fate
To take it away.
Yet it is much too late;
This heart has shattered.
'Cause it can't bare to wait
For him to return.
Hope dies at a quick rate
When you're left alone.
Like a dark hollow crate
Traps your life inside.
And though they say you're great
You think otherwise.

so it seems that no one wants to critique my poems. do you guys like them at all? or are they stupid. What can i improve in them? any comments at all about them would be amazing :P

I'll crit them one at a time...

Originally Posted by amulet

Hey guys I'm posting some of my poetry ^-^ tell me if you like them or not and what i can improve. i like harsh critiques, so don't hold back ;)

The Candle

There's a lone candle in the dark corner of the universeperiod
It stubbornly flickers until the end of time
Hearing nothing but silence and the soft breathing of starssemi-colon
inhale,
exhale,
silence.
The stars mimic the candle's glow, and some humans look up to themwhy only some? How do the stars mimic the candle's glow?
Unlike the flame, the stars give no guidance, leading their watchers astraycomma. You know that stars are actually used to guide ships right? So why do these ones lean people astray?
But the candle sits quietly, forever listeningdash. Why is it sitting quitely?
inhale,
exhale,
silence.
The candle has a name, though it cannot remember what it isperiod. You can say that a lot quicker and a lot more poeticly. This line is fluffed up and I'd like to see more out of it.
Its name hasn't been spoken in so longperiod. That can wrapped up in the first line of this stanza.
So, with complete patience, the candle infinitely waits
inhale,
exhale,
silence,period.
But then the candle hears a faint voice calling its name,
"Hope."How does it know that's its name if it forgot it??
As the voice starts to get stronger, more sure of itself,
The candle notices its source - a young girl looking, not at the candle,
But into the sparkling eyes of the boy beside herperiod.
She sees Hope reflected in his eyes.Why is 'hope' capitalized?
The candle, with unparalleled happiness, grows brighter, its flame dancing
And, with renewed purpose, the candle eagerly awaits its next caller
Patiently listening to nothing but the stars
inhale,
exhale,
silence.

All in all, you started out beautifully with the imagery you were using, but then you lost it. There's so many questions that need to answered.

1. What's so important about this girl?
2. Why did the candle continue to wait even though it's name was called?
3. Why wasn't it dissapointed its name wasn't actually being called?
4. Why does the girl see hope in his eyes?

I liked it though.

thanks :] i'll try to improve it and stuff now