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Ava The Vampire
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#1
Old 01-06-2018, 02:21 AM

The Wandering Poet: gave me this idea...

I don't think I will make this thread cute and pretty...
It'll basically be a collection of letters I wrote while I was in the hospital. Some will be more like journal entries and others are more like actual letters.

When I am feeling bad, my therapist tells me to write, so naturally, the time I spend in the hospital is time spent writing.

Feel free to comment, but be aware that these are just a collection of letters and journal entries. Like a pillow book, one might say. :D


(Ignore this for now, this will start to be organized once I get a little further than the 2013 Entries)
2013 Entries
2015 December Entries
2017 March Entries
2017 November Entries
2018 April Entries

Last edited by Ava The Vampire; 05-23-2018 at 03:59 AM..

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#2
Old 01-06-2018, 04:41 PM

These are written out of order,
So this was written in 2013, again, but not in the correct order that I wrote it.

Day 3

Had a nightmare that I came home and when I got there I noticed Beans
[my bunny] was smaller so I said, "Beans looks significantly smaller" and they kept trying to convince me that Beans just lost some weight. But I noticed her ears did not lop, they stood up straight and they were really tiny. So I said, "I'm going to check her gender again." So I did and found out that the rabbit I was holding was a boy! They replaced my original lop eared rabbit with another one! And I cried and said, "What happened to Beans? This is not my Beans!" and they did not tell me what happened to Beans.

I knew it! I knew I have been poisoned. I feel super sick and I just got back from the bathroom w/ diarrhea. You know, diarrhea is like vomiting, it's just coming from the opposite end. So I took some meds for the anxiety and I felt better earlier, now I just feel shitty. I am going to call John today and ask how the other PC
[A mental health chat I used to be a part of] members are doing. Hopefully all is well. Unfortunately this means asking my parents for the number. Oh well. I will get it sometime because I am so lonely right now. I need to know how everyone on PC is doing.

So I asked my mom for John's # and she's going to bring it to me. I did lie to her a little, I will tell him I am in the hospital, but I will not tell him which one or why.

Last edited by Ava The Vampire; 01-07-2018 at 07:40 PM..

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#3
Old 01-07-2018, 12:10 AM

Night 2

This is a continuation of Day 2. I shall split each day into night & day so that I may continue to write.

I do not feel safe here. I feel more vulnerable and scared. I just want to die so that my loved ones can be safe. I want them to die so that they can escape the man. I hurt myself today because they do not believe they are in danger. The man tells me I have to, but I don't know what to do. I can't talk to staff, can't give them more information. I won't take any food or meds or drinks they offer me except water. That's all I really need anyway.

I am hungry and my stomach is hurting, but I will not eat because I don't want to be hurt again. And besides, I just want to die. I'm sick of being scared now. I am sick of being spied on. I am thinking of hanging myself somehow. I will use the scrubs to do it, that way they will not take away my regular clothes. I may take the elastic out and use it to hang myself or I will stab myself in the neck with a sharp pencil. I have stabbed myself with pencils before and I can do it again.

I worry some of the other patients are spying on my as well. I just overheard one patient say, "just following the original plan!" I know what that plan is, a plan to watch me and keep me monitored so the man can hurt me again. It's obvious now, why can't everyone see this too? Why doesn't anyone believe me? They don't even take the time to listen to me, they just brush me off and tell me I am safe when I am clearly NOT! I no longer trust the doctors or the staff or the other patients. None of them!

I have to go. I have to leave now.

I don't know what time it is but I feel a little better. Maybe because I hurt myself, I don't know. I'm still afraid to sleep. I had a nightmare last night and I wet the bed. It was really embarrassing and I don't want that happening again. I'm sick of the nightmares and the bed wetting. I'm too old for it, you know?

hummy
Little birdie ♥

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#4
Old 01-07-2018, 03:06 PM


Ava, may I read these letters? I ask because I am sure they are personal.
I am happy you are doing something to help you feel better
Oh, if you don't want posts/chats please let me know.
love you much

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#5
Old 01-07-2018, 07:39 PM

You can read these letters if you want to, hummy. :)
I am posting them so people can read if they want to. :D

I am not going to post these in order, but I am going to try to post them in somewhat or chronological order going by the year that I wrote them.

---------- Post added 01-07-2018 at 02:43 PM ----------

Written in 2013.

Had another nightmare. A patient blew up.
He had somehow gotten to seeing me naked and the next thing I know he's laying on the floor talking and two seconds later, he's dead. Two seconds after that, his internal organs blow up and soon he explodes from the outside too. I already felt violated in my dream, now I just feel scared.

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#6
Old 01-08-2018, 07:12 PM

Another one written from 2013...

Dear Nate Reuss,

This has been one of my worst days here in the hospital. I feel like none of the staff actually care about me. There was one guy yesterday who pretended to care, but I know he just wanted to get closer to me to hear about the sexual abuse I went through. I feel so worthless right now. If I died right here in this hospital bed none of them would give a damn. I'm sorry to rant to you, Nate. Ugh. I just feel like you probably understand how I feel. I guess I just fell lonely, really. I don't have any friends to talk to.

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#7
Old 01-09-2018, 09:44 PM

Again, written in 2013.


Dear Nate Ruess,

I can't say I am your biggest fan ever because I am a human not a fan.
I can blow air like a fan, though.

Anyway, I am writing to you from the hospital. I am not sick, but I have been making plans to kill myself. They tell me I am safe here in the hospital, but I always felt safe when I heard you sing. I have all of fun's albums and before being admitted to the hospital I would listen to Aim and Ignite every day, straight thru. I really miss hearing your voice. One of my favorite songs, "I Wanna Be The One" would always calm me down when I felt anxious. It wasn't so much the lyrics, just the clear sound of your voice.

The truth is, today has been an awful day for me. I am so scared I can't leave my room. I can't eat. I'm on my period and I feel like a murder victim. I know this sounds creepy, but there is a picture of you, Nate, singing @ Lollapalooza in the GLAMOUR magazine I am reading it kind of comforts me to be able to see you daily at least. Hopefully, I will not be here very long and soon I can go home to hear your beautiful voice once more. I may not be able to meet you because I am not sure I will be alive to. Ugh, I'm sorry, I do not mean to scare you or make you feel bad. I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you and the other members of fun.

I really hate being in the hospital. I miss my home, my bed, everything. I don't want to be here for long. I don't know if you understand how I feel right now. But whether you truly do or not, it always feels like you do through your songs. The song you did w/ Pink especially makes me feel like you understand.

Anyway, I love your band, fun. and I love your music. I can't wait to be discharged so I can go home and hear your voice again. I really miss you. I hope you are doing well and please continue making new songs. Thanks!

- Your human fan


[Ava]

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#8
Old 01-10-2018, 08:11 PM

2013.

Night 3

I am still awake, but this time I am alone in being awake. Mostly Kevin is awake as well and will allow me to borrow his ball point pen. Yay, right? The nurse patched up my bite wounds. She also put some weird goo gel on them. I am still so anxious. Also very upset that my pdoc
[short for psychiatrist] continues to refuse to prescribe me something non-addicting and PRN for anxiety. Really pisses me off, actually. I mean, it just makes me feel as though he is trying to keep me anxious, keep me scared so that I will continue to hurt myself. It all makes so much sense now, you know?

Again, I am alone in the lounge. All have gone to bed except me. I am much too afraid to go to sleep again. I shall probably be awake until 2am like last night. I wish I could take something to sleep. I mean, something to keep me from having nightmares. And keep me from wetting the bed. Kevin is so sweet. Je gave me his notebook and pen so that I may write. Isn't that sweet? I super appreciate it very much. Everyone is really friendly here. It makes the stay a little easier, but I still want to go home. I am going to call John tomorrow so that I may check up on the others in chat.

I also wrote a letter to Nate Ruess during the day. I miss him and Beans soooooo much! I wish I could hold Beans and listen to his voice while I pet her.

I am still worried about the food, though. It screams POISON to me and I am most afraid to eat it. I think I shall only eat packaged foods and I shall only eat those while in my room. I do not wish to socialize or go to groups, I am purely here to have my meds sorted out and once they work I will leave and go home to my family, finish my costumes and return to chat. I hate thinking about them on PC because I worry that they have forgotten about me. John probably doesn't care where I am and they probably all forgot about me. I know they were worried about Sami, so they probably care more for her than they care about me.

Sigh, I am beginning to feel incredibly lonely once again. I miss Anna and I miss laughing w/ her. :( I miss my other friends in chat.

:'(

Bot, I am craving fries! I just want some fries but I know I can't eat them unless they are fresh.

It is quiet once more, everyone is asleep except for me. They say they do rounds every 15 minutes, but I think that is bullshit. I've been awake for longer than 15 minutes and I haven't seen anyone get up to go check on the rooms.

Oh so now he's doing rounds. It would be nice if they could just stop doing rounds. I mean, come on, you just glance in the room and leave. You don't look to see if we are safe, you just look to spy on us. I think even some of the patients are spies. I don't know who to trust, so I trust no one.

It just feels like the staff doesn't care about me, you know? I am wide awake (almost) and too afraid to sleep because I'm scared of nightmares. Scared of being watched and having someone come in and check on me, scared of wetting the bed, scared of memories.

I am getting repetitive. Saying the same things over and over in different ways...

[My writing gets a little difficult to read here, so I'm going to copy it as best as I can and make it as close to the actual copy as I can.]


I guess I don'treally know what it's I'm trying to say. There is so much on my mind right now, yet at the same time there is nothing on my mind. I truly just want for things to change. I'd give anything to feel less scared and I'd do anything if I could only feel safe, even for a little bit I don't feel safe here they tell me that I am safe but I don't feel safe in the slightest. My writing is probably beginning to get really really sloppy now. Ugh. I wish there were freedom for me right now it's just me locked up in the hospital. I really want to go home I am fine and everyone else is crazy! They are crazy for not
[believing?] me and [believing again?] that this man is out to [hurt???] me and my family

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#9
Old 01-11-2018, 02:13 AM

Day and Night 4

Mostly the same today as was yesterday. Except, my mind kept replaying the abuse over and over in my head.

It's almost as if I can feel his fingers inside me. You know, it's just scary. And as usual, I really miss Nate Ruess. I want to see him, hear him! God knows, I miss him so much! I could seriously write out how much I miss him thru lyrics. I just wish to hear his voice, just once more. Once MORE! My stomach hurts so much, probably from not eating. I am still worried about being poisoned! I have become poison thru eating it and I will infect everyone with my disease, so that is a reason why I stay away.

The stupid night staff today told me that I have to be in my room during the night. Well, I am not doing that, I can't stay in my room, the walls were moving last night and closing in on me, I had to get out and stay out until the morning. And besides, I'm so sick of all the scary dreams. My roommate is such a saint. She lets me keep the light on and she still goes to sleep and she doesn't mind my noisemaker, she still sleeps, she doesn't mind me getting up and moving around @ night and she doesn't mind me coming in and out early in the morning. I want to be cool like her when I am 40.

There is an old man here who really pisses me off, he's always trying to mess with the staff and he's always trying to piss them off. I hope he leaves soon. Or I leave soon. There's so much I need to do, you know?

The voice seems to be coming back at full strength! I think I might just try to get to sleep.

I just don't want any nightmares.

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#10
Old 01-12-2018, 04:32 PM

This was also written in 2013,
This one is triggering, so I am going to put it in a spoiler.



SPOILERX


Day 2

I do not know the dates so I will have to keep track by using days. This is coming to be the end of my second day here and I am ready to leave. Everyone is against me even the doctors are against me now. They are working for the man and they are trying to gather information on me so that they can use it against me to give to the man. I cannot give them any more information on me. They will only use it against me.

They keep telling me I am safe here but I do not feel very safe. I am scared of the man breaking in or coming to me through someone else's body because that is what he did in my dream. I know he can do it. He used another person's body to hurt me so I do not trust these doctors or these staffs or anyone but Kristy [Name changed. My therapist] and my parents. Even though they do not understand the danger they are in either! They don't understand the danger I am in! But these doctors

[Okay, my writing is REALLY REALLY hard to read and understand so some of this I will have to guess?]

*These doctors are against me. They do not believe in me they work for the man they are being paid to [make?] sure that I am hurt again. They won't squeeze any more information out of me!

Lately, I've missed my friends. I miss Nate Ruess but I got to hear him on the radio again. That was nice. I really miss him. I used to hear him sing every day and now I can't hear him at all. That makes me very sad. He could always cheer me up w/his voice. I would ask for a radio but I am too scared. Not scared of asking, just scared of using the radio. I don't know how to trust or what to think anymore. I'm just scared. I guess. I'm scared of being spied on. Kristy told me I was safe, but how can I trust her completely? I used to trust her and I still want to that is why I agreed to come to the hospital in the first place.

Back to my friends... I miss them so much. I am thinking of calling John and letting him know I am in the hospital. This is so crazy, to think four days ago I was completely fine and now I am terrified for my life that this man is coming back to hurt me. They are doing rounds now and everything is scaring me. I just want to go home. I think I will tell them that I want to be discharged now. I can't stay here any longer with people who are just here to spy on me. They don't really want to help, they're just trying to hurt me. They want me to leave so that they can hand me over to the man.

I'm
[so scared?] I have to get out of here. I have to kill myself. I have to [escape?] somehow But [how???] I am too scared but I need to escape. I need to get out of here. They are only trying to hurt me more and I have to get out.

I just want to hear Nate's voice again. I just need to hear him, he calms me down and.

I think I understand it now. It all makes sense, they are trying to poison me. They are trying to drug me somehow with the water and so the man can come into my room at night to hurt me. I can't eat or drink anything they give me. They just want to poison me! Yes! It all makes sense now. I can't take these new meds anymore either. They are only trying to poison me. They keep asking me if I want to eat and I keep saying no. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I 'm scared of being hurt again.

Why doesn't anymore understand me? Why don't SOMEONE out there believe what trouble I am in. It feels like no one cares about me.

My stomach hurts so much from these stupid cramps. No one cares about me, no one cares what I am trying to do to protect the ones I love. No one understands. And being in the hospital I am just off the face of the earth. I think I will call John. I need someone who knows where I am and what I'm doing in case something happens to me and my family.

Yes, I am going to call John. Just need to get his # from my phone.

- End of Day 2

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#11
Old 01-13-2018, 09:04 PM

This was written in blue crayon


Day 3

Early Morning voice. Female calling

"Come here,
[Ava]"

Male voice same voice

"Take a look at the bodies"

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#12
Old 01-14-2018, 02:30 AM

2013


This pen is really weird! I can barely tell what I am writing.


[I changed pens here]

Okay, this pen is better. Anyway. Everything is crazy now. I got this new roommate who is causing me so much anxiety and ugh. So I keep requesting a new roommate and the nurse gets pissy with me! ME!! I mean, I don't try to annoy anyone on purpose. I mean, it always seems to throw me back into grade school when people get a serious tone. It always scares me and makes me feel scared. And anxious.
Everything is just ugh. If this roommate I have is allowed to keep her pillow then I will be very pissed off. I'm already pissed off. When people tell me what to do. Makes me anxious. So. Yeah. I am going to go to my room or somewhere, someplace where I can bite. I am just so sick of being
[told?] what to do.

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#13
Old 01-14-2018, 02:31 AM

This was written in 2013.
I changed my name at the end and also added []* incase there is any information that I felt needed to be added in order to understand the letter...


Dear Nate Reuss [Lead singer of "fun."]

Really, I'm just writing to you because this pen is really cool. I'm in the hospital right now and I'm feeling incredibly lonely. I miss my home, my house, everything. My room, especially my bunny! I also miss listening to fun! I used to listen to fun. everyday. I have all of fun's albums and I listen to both daily. I especially loved Aim & Ignite. Definitely my favorite album ever. I have so many favorite songs from that album. One I really liked was "Be Calm".

I'm in the hospital because I was worried about being watched and in that song it feels like you understand how that feels. I don't know if you've ever been in a mental hospital, but it's so lonely. And it can get incredibly boring. This is my 3rd time in the hospital and I hate it. I just want to go home so I can hear your voice once more, Nate. I am a fan of your voice. Thankfully, I was able to bring my ukulele and I can play "Some Nights" and "Why Am I The One" often.

I really also liked the song, "Just Give Me A Reason" some lives I can really connect to. When I was a kid, my boyfriend sexually abused me. I have been having "real bad dreams" since. Your voice helps me sleep, though. I will hopefully be discharged soon so I can go home and hear your voice again.

Your fan


- [Ava]

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#14
Old 01-15-2018, 01:29 AM

The next few entries are from December 2015.

December 8th, 2015

I'm in the hospital, it sucks big time. I don't usually sleep, but today and last night, I've been so bored tat I probably slept more than 12 hours, and most of the time I'm not even sleeping, you know? I'm just laying down and resting. I have nothing else to do I want to call
[Thomas], but his number is on my phone and my phone is dead. My mom also brought my phone home so I have no chance of getting his number. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to go home, but I refuse to be poisoned any longer. I will not eat anything else either. I reek of evil. Maybe I need to be eliminated and cleansed as well. Before I came to the hospital, I talked to [Linda]. I am glad I got to talk to her too, because I was seriously beginning to feel like a home wrecker. I hope she doesn't get angry that I'm talking to her boyfriend. If it were me, I'd get angry.
From the way she talks to me, she doesn't seem interested in a relationship with me like [Thomas] is, so I feel like I'm being a home wrecker. I wonder if my friends on PC have forgotten me or not. I miss Anna, but I learned she's actually rather selfish. Before the police came to pick me up, she said, "What a waste of my winter break!" She didn't ask if I was okay, didn't wish me luck, or say, "I hope you feel better. On the other hand, Daniel told me to go. I miss him too. He said he'd rather talk to me when I was healthy and things were normal again. He is such a good friend, I hope we get to talk when I am discharged from the hospital.
Well, I am back to being bored so I think I'll go read of something. Or maybe lay down and rest. I might fall asleep again. Boo! But it's whatever. Nothing else to do. :(

My silent friend,
Goodnight.



*Names were changed for person's privacy.
*Also, "Daniel" was my FWB and Anna was my ex-best friend.

---------- Post added 01-14-2018 at 08:31 PM ----------

It's still December 8th, I always do this in the hospital. :/ I write an entry & then I write another one in the same day. Okay, so the walls are talking to me. They don't understand and I don't think they (staff) believe me. They are just listening and then they say, "Why don't you take your meds, [Ava]?" Fuck you!

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#15
Old 01-15-2018, 01:47 AM

i hope it's ok to talk in here... thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing these!! i just wanna say i really relate. the hospital is so lonely, and i'm always so afraid when i'm there. i remember being absolutely convinced they had speakers, mics, and cameras in my room and were talking to me/trying to brainwash me while i slept and recording everything i said and did. and when i went to the nurses to call them out about it, they were so mean to me. i knew it was true, yet they refused to admit it or even hear me out. i've only ever had one nurse i really liked. she had an autistic son, so i think she was especially kind to me because she knew i was autistic and understands autistic people, but all the other nurses were so terse with me or seemed freaked out by me. :( anyway! sorry for rambling, i just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

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#16
Old 01-21-2018, 07:06 PM

Thanks, ghostPastry
Being in the hospital sucks, but I feel like every time I've gone it's helped me. I really hated being in there and I remember one time, I was in the hospital and I was crying really hard because it was storming and the voices kept telling me that my parents were going to die, so I was sobbing at night and the staff kept telling me that I needed to go to bed and they said, "Ava, you're the only one awake, you need to either go to bed or take a pill". But I didn't want to take a pill, I just wanted to talk, so I ended up taking a pill and going to sleep crying...

:/

But I mean, it helped, though.
I'm sorry you experienced that too, ghostPastry. Being in the hospital is scary, but it's not so bad once you start feeling better.

---------- Post added 01-21-2018 at 02:19 PM ----------

December 9th, 2015

My second day in the hospital, I slept a lot last night, but I had a dream that I was being attacked by terrorists. It wasn't that scary but the idea of it scared me when I woke up. Then I fell back asleep and had another dream that someone had cut off my hair while I was sleeping. I saw Mia in my first dream.
[Mia Wasikowska] It was awesome. Mia is very, very cute. I wonder if I can get a picture of Mia Wasikoska today to hang on the ceiling or a picture of Tom Hiddleston. I love Tom Hiddleston.

Tom Hiddleston is awesome! Sometimes I don't think he likes me though. Anyway, last night I told staff that the walls were talking to me... They didn't understand, the think I'm hallucinating. But I'm not! The walls are seriously talking to me and I can prove it. One staff was really kind to me last night, he talked to me and spent time with me and he printed me some Disney Princess coloring pages! I really enjoyed that. I ended up falling asleep in the quiet area, but it wasn't comfortable so I came back to my room and I fell asleep here. I have my own room now. Has a nice view of the river. MY hand and my stomach hurts. So I guess I'm going to go for now.

(I'll wait to do my send off until tonight when I am positive I am done.)


Okay, so they told me today that they'd move me to a new room with a roommate, but not I won't get moved! Woohoo! Yah! So I get to stay in my room with Tom Hiddleston and Mia Wasikowska! :D I am so happy! I talked to staff about the walls talking and he gave the walls a good talking to. I am very grateful. The staff in Station 10 seem very, very caring. More so compared to the staff on Station 30. The staff on Station 30 were not kind. They wouldn't have talked to the walls like that. And yesterday, the other staff member would sit and talk to me while I was sitting in the bathroom, scared. Staff here is very nice, though I feel like they treat me like a baby. The way they talk to me is babyish. I don't mind. I quite like being treated like a baby sometimes. Anyway, I think I will go. I miss Anna, Cassie, and Daniel. I feel lost without my friends. It gets so lonely here in the hospital. Oh, and the talked to me about my medication, if I don't take its they will send me to court and I will have a court order to take it. Okay, now I will go.

My silent friend,

Goodnight

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#17
Old 02-04-2018, 04:14 AM

December 10th, Thursday 2015

So, they ended up moving me to a room with a roommate anyway. I hate it.
[Katrina] (my new roommate) is nice but I just feel nerved out around her. We have two way different ways of sleeping, so I ended up sleeping in the lounge, a lot like last time. Hopefully this will convince staff that I need my own room. She also doesn't sleep with noise. I NEED background noise when I sleep. That is why I slept in the lounge. So, I guess I'll sleep in the lounge until I get a new, private room. Which, willl hopefully be soon. One patient left to Station 12, so I thought that meant the room would be vacant. But I guess they moved someone in to that room already. It just sucks. I woke up [Katrina] last night and she had the nerve to go back to sleep! Can you believe that? I am feeling a little pissed off at her and I am pretty sure she hates me now. I don't know what I did to make her hate me. I just know that she does.

I walked across the Australian Outback last night. I walked out of the hospital and walked to the Australian Outback. IT was amazing. My feet were burning in the sand and it was so hotted dry out there. I want to go back. I miss Australia.

You know what? Another patient is leaving today, so hopefully I can get my now room. I am really excited. Maybe there is hope for me, yet!

Words can't describe how amazing the Outback was. I wish I could draw it, but I can't really do it right now. I don't know how to draw the Australian outback.

There is a patient here who thinks that are Wicca and good for the earth, but if that were the case, they would use cloth menstrual pads. I can't judge, though, maybe they do.

Okay, so the guy that left came back, h hopefully I can still get my own room though, I don't ming
[Katrina] but I don't think she quite likes me. :( Maybe she is this way towards everyone? I dunno. My tummy hurts and I feel like I have to poop, but I am going to hold it in for a while until [Katrina] leaves.

My silent friend,
Goodnight.

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#18
Old 02-06-2018, 01:58 AM

December 11th, 2915 (Friday)

I have literally slept all day. I have nothing else to do. So I just sleep. My roommate has an accent. I wonder where she is from. Anyway, I'm really tired & I'll probably go back to sleep in a little while. I really am sleepy, but I don't want to think. I don't want to sleep. Nut unfortunately there is nothing else I can do.

The Australian Outback is absolutely gorgeous. My roommate says her mother played favorites. And the thing is, it's kind of scary because I think it sounds like that is how I would be. That is why I can only have one child because I would play favorites, I can only give my entire love to one child at a time.

The walls keep talking, no one listens to me and you know what else? I figured out hteir little scheme., my "friends" say thy care, but they are basically plotting against me. Everyone here is agaisnt me, they all want me dead. My "friends" talk about triggering things to me on purpose so that I will be upset. Then the doctors are feeding me poison they all want me to die. I figured it out and then they really are pissed because I found out that those "radios" they have are actually mind control machines. That is what they are and people are upset that I found out.

I'm really pissed off. One thing I don't get is why they don't just send me home. I mean, I don't want help and I don't want medicine, so why keep me here? My roommate sounds like Anna. I miss Anna.

I honestly have no friends here. I mean none.
[Kandy] was probably the only one & now she's gone, so I'm here by myself now with no friends and nothing to do. I didn't play the ukulele at all today because I've been sleeping and I didn't talk to anyone today or go to groups because everyone hates me and wants me to die. They don't talk to me and they don't like me. I really wanted to celebrate Kwanzaa in my hippie thread on Mene. But I guess I am missing Hanukkah, I will miss Kwanzaa too.
Sigh.

My silent friend,
Goodnight.

Ava The Vampire
Spooky Action at a Distance
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#19
Old 02-17-2018, 08:28 PM

Saturday December 12th, 2015

My parents came to visit me today and I tried deviled eggs for the first time. (I didn't like it.) My tummy hurts like I am cramping, but whatever, I don't know if my period will come on or not. Once again, I have no friends here. Dani (David) is leaving (or has already left) and now I honestly have no friends or anyone to talk to. It's sooooo boring here! I have nothing to do except be in my room and sleep or be in the lounge and listen ot triggering conversations, play the ukulele for a while or eat. I do not enjoy watching TV and I do not feel like talking to anyone here. None of them like me anyway.

A few days ago when I saw the doctor, they told me that I could play for the others during group. I don't want to. I think if I started going to groups, I might have a better change of making friends, but whatever. I took my Zyprexa a few minutes ago. I completely forgot about the time. I was going to ask for my Stelazine because it makes me less sleepy. In fact, I don't sleep at all on Stelazine. I am starved, but still waiting for snack before I try anything. (Er, try asking for anything.) I hope
[Katrina] isn't lonely.

I really hope I wake up in time for breakfast tomorrow. I am craving syrup and I need something to go with it. Which reminds me, I didn't order syrup! Shit! Well, I hope they give me syrup anyway. Damn, though. :(
The Zyprexa and hydroxyzine (?) and melatonin pills all look the same, when the nurse gave it to me I was like.... why 3 pills? Then I remembered, Zyprexa, Hydroxyzine and melatonin. 3.

I am kind of scared, I don't know what is happening to me.

My silent friend,

Goodnight.

Ava The Vampire
Spooky Action at a Distance
55729.15
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#20
Old 03-21-2018, 09:24 PM

Sunday December 13th, 2015

I'm wearing disposable underwear because I'm bleeding and I don't want to get my actual underwear all bloody and nasty. And I don't feel like wearing my cup. Anyway, it's "reflection time" right now. I hate reflection time. It always makes me feel like me and the other patients are babies or young children and we need time to "reflect" on our actions or something. Anyway, last night the nurse remembered to give me my meds on time and I actually woke up in time for breakfast this morning!
How cool is that? I miss my job very much. I want to go back to work and see my kids. I wonder if they miss me... I also miss Anna. She's probably lonely without me. It feels like I've been here a really long time. But it's only been a week today! I miss Larry too, I hope he doesn't think I'm ignoring him. I hope he read my status on Skype.
The disposable panties are actually really comfy. I quite enjoy wearing them. it's almost like wearing nothing! Anyway, I think I'm going to take a nap. I'll be back to finish this entry. (maybe)

Okay so, I can confirm. I honestly have NO FRIENDS here! None! Lately I've been so lonely. I have nothing to do during the days except eat, sleep and play the ukulele. I want to go home, but my doctor hasn't said anything yet. He wants to bring in a specialist. I guess I'll have to wait to see the specialist. (lady doctor) I am just so bored! And today staff made me take a shower. Gee, thanks for telling me I stink!
And now I take my meds @ 8 before bed so I will wake up on time. Here's to hoping I get up in time for breakfast!
I'm bleeding something awful right now. I kind of hope I bleed all over the blankets and sheets. I don't feel like using my cup this time.

My silent friend,

Goodnight

 


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