RANDOM - Song

I had such high expectations. I read you first. A piece caught my eye and intrigued me. And so I searched you out. And I found you, and I was blown away.

But then I listened to you...

And you were so disappointing. You could have been bloody amazing. But then you sold short.

But you're not so bad. I suppose your lyrics still save you.

RANDOM

So in her opinion, you're sly. You're not good for me. I'm supposed to have nothing to do with you no matter what. I'm to watch my back.

And if I look at it logically, she's right.

I really shouldn't have anything to do with you--for both my sake and everyone else's.

And I should be on my guard. I should protect against your charms and casualties.

But why is it that you can disarm me with a simple look?

No, I don't have it bad. I'm not falling head over heels for him. I do find him attractive, but that does not mean I've got a crush on the guy.

It's one of his expressions. He has one of those looks. I can't quite describe it, but it's the one that I've come to define him by--the one I try to capture on paper.

That is the thing that renders me utterly helpless.

RANDOM - Scent

I threw all my own advice out the window. I should really probably try to distance myself from you--not necessarily because of you but me. I... you've become my muse. You are my artistic love.

But it certainly does not help that my coat now smells of you.

Before I had despised cologne--that wretched smelling man perfume. I still do. However, I have been finding that the stuff smells nice when it's on the guy. It's just different. And of course, everything doesn't smell good, and more is definitely not always better; however, it's just this nice sensory thing when you catch their scent.

For some inexplicable female reason, I find it almost drugging--like massages, like chocolate, like alcohol.

My coat used to smell like me--like my perfume. It was really nice, actually. But now it smells like you--not that that's a bad smell. It's quite nice, actually; it's just that it is you. And now every time I don my coat, I will inhale and think of you.

I did not need another reminder.

But at the same time, I don't mind it.

RANDOM - Conversation Part I

If there were one art I wish I could master, it is that of conversation. It is a matter of finding me a person to listen to or becoming so close to me that it isn't a problem.

I don't like initiating conversations. I will if I feel led to; however, it's not often that I do. I could be perfectly content to sit there and stare out of the window for the entire car ride.

I'll respond when asked, but sometimes it feels like it takes so much effort to avoid that awkwardness. And then we end up hitting it anyways. I feel like I'm making the other person grope about for topics. I somewhat feel guilty about it.

I would like to talk to you. Really. I'm not trying to ignore you. It's just that I don't know what to say.

RANDOM - Conversation Part II

So we talked about the obvious--the situation, the surroundings--easy topics. And we leapt from subject to subject as conversation does.

And we talked of you. And we talked of me. And we talked of whatever we came across.

Just you and me.

And I trail off into silence and think that you're about to give up; you have concluded me to be the most boring, untalkative, unentertaining person in the world and have decided to just drop the conversation.

But you surprised me. You kept talking. You kept trying. What is one supposed to do, I suppose. You can't really do that in a car with two without the great awkward silence.

It was still nice.

loves conversation.

RANDOM

And the woman smiles at the man through her phone. "I want something that I want. I want something pretty," she demands of him.

I will be the razor, baby / I will be the pill

The man is taken, but cannot help but sigh and fall to this woman's ways. He is but a man and cannot resist.

I am the ambulance that never comes / the antidote you spill

"Why can't he be smart enough to..." someone asks.

And in the accident / I'll be the failure in your breaks

"Just not do anything?" she finishes.

I am the truth you couldn't take

He looks up at her with this look. "Men are dogs."

I am the mistake

She looks back at him and shrugs. She knows this saying, and she has, in fact, just discussed it last night.

"Well, not all of them are, but just so you know." He turns his attention back to the movie and half nuzzles her leg. She doesn't know if the action is intentional or not.

She wants to ask him what kind of man he is, but she doesn't, and they simply go back to watching the movie, forgetting the moment that meant everything and nothing.

Worst you ever made.

Disclaimer: Lyrics in above drabble are from the song "The Mistake" by the American Taxi. The song is posted in quoted form in its entirety a few pages back, if you care to see it. It's an awesome song. The lyrics are to die for. Yes, I am a sucker for well written things, even if it's so incredibly emo. Blah. It's still awesome. xD

RANDOM - The Substitute Part I

I have fallen in love with the dance. It is a beautiful thing, every alluring and seductive. How I would love to trace its steps, but alas, it is something that I cannot do as I am--alone.

And so for now, I must content myself with simply watching the pair twirl gracefully across the floor. They are beautiful.

But then the woman is tired. She leaves for a moment to rest. And the dance is paused, but the man is still moving.

The competition is coming up. The man's feet still move in practice. It is as if the music has captured him and refuses to relinquish its hold.

And I suddenly find myself offered a hand. I am pulled to my feet and into the dance--no longer a spectator but an actual part.

It is not quite as beautiful as the dance between the man and his partner, but it is a dance nonetheless; I will savor it for what it is worth.

And then the woman comes back, and he leaves me casually, gracefully. He slides her into his arms where I was last, as if it had never been me there all along. As he danced with me, he thought of her. I was simply a substitute--someone to practice with--someone to pass the time with--never anything more.

But it was nice to have been able to dance.

RANDOM - The Substitute Part II

But now that I have danced once, I find that I want to find myself on my feet again. What once was enough--the longing staring after of the floor--is no longer enough.

It is no longer enough to simply wonder, to simply imagine. I have been there. I know what it is like to twirl across the floor.

And now that I know, it is simply not enough to long.

RANDOM

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

Yes, you. You random faceless stranger out there, whoever you are, you're very lucky.

...That is, if I ever actually find you.

I am that hopeless dreamer girl who wonders about her love--somewhere out there. She may have met him in passing, but he still probably doesn't even know she exists. She pours her love out into that void, hoping that it somehow gets there--wherever there may be.

Yes, it is very silly, but that is the way it is.

RANDOM - Problems Part I

"I don't have problems."

Hah.

Well, that is if you don't count being obsessed with my newest muse whom happens to be my friend's boyfriend.

But really, it pales in comparison to the other problems. I don't really feel like bringing it up. Besides, it's not like it would even help. All it would do is destroy your image of me. And then you would be watching me. And then you would have to choose sides.

You don't have to.

I am perfectly content to watch my muse from afar. And anyone else knowing would make it awkward. I like it this way.

It is my secret. My delicious secret.

RANDOM - Problems Part II

It's not a problem.

Well, fine, maybe it is. Okay, it is a problem. I shouldn't look at my friend's boyfriend and feel like my heart is going to break and mend instantaneously.

That is just plain unhealthy.

But hey, it's not really going to go away. It's not something I can truly control. If I try, it will be bottled and end up killing me in the end.

So... whatever.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part I

You really don't seem to understand the meaning of the words "introvert" and "extrovert." To be an introvert means that you gain energy from within yourself, from being alone. To be an extrovert means that you gain energy from people--it doesn't matter if you know them well or not. You simply feel better from being around people.

That is what you are--an extrovert. That is why it is a bad thing for you to be alone. I, on the other hand, am the opposite. It's good for me to be alone. It's healthy for me to be alone. It's normal for me to be alone. My god, I am not the same as you.

I wasn't so close to this point until you tried to steal this away from me. But now, well, it's all your fault. Are you happy now?

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part II

When I say I want to be alone, I mean it. Really. It's nothing bad. All I want to do is just sit and lose myself. And then I'm all right. I don't require other people in the room to distract myself. In fact, that makes it worse. It makes me think of wanting to be anywhere but there. It makes me hate you.

It was never my intention to hate you.

But you make it oh so very hard.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part III

I had been happy. Confused and guilty, yes, but happy as well. It would have been a perfect time to just sit here and think. I don't think well with other people around. I want ME time. ME.

That means that no, I do not want to hang out. That means that no, I don't want you in my room. That means that I don't want to follow you to someone else's room. I ran away for a reason.

I should have just stayed in the basement.

But then you still could've found me. And I'm not alone there either. There is no escape.

So I'm doomed to run forever.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part IV

Yes, I could break down and cry to you--because I can't just tell you--it would be the whole painful mess with the tears and confession. I don't do these things halfway.

And I'm really not in the mood to be a wreck about this when I really don't need to be.

This is mine, damnit. Yes, you are my friends, but I don't have to tell you every single bloody detail that goes on in my life. Just because you are my friend and have done so does not make you privy to the fact. We talk to each other to make ourselves feel better, not to just gossip.

And talking will not make me feel better.

No, don't give me any of that crap about it being unhealthy. I know that this won't make me feel better. It will make me feel worse.

It will finalize the reality of something that should have only been a dream and stayed a dream.

It is why I write. This is that borderland in between dreaming and reality where it is relatively safe to spill one's soul.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part V

Damnit, I can't even go off on my drabble happy mood about my muse again. You've gone and completely spoiled the mood.

And that was probably the only time I would have seen my muse today too...

I don't count on seeing him everyday, at every meal, in random passing--to do so would be most masochistic. And so I take what comes my way. I savor it; I live off it.

And now you've gone and snatched it away.

Do not think you can replace it with yourself--your games, your play. You will never replace him. Never.

So now you've left me empty and bitter with nothing to cling to. Was this what you wanted?

I doubt it, but I don't know.

I just don't want to see you.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part VI

You bring out the worst in me.

No, you really do. It must be your special talent. I have never been so angry with someone in my entire life. I've never wanted to really yell at someone. It's just not something I do.

And this is the second time you've made me want to break my nature.

I wonder how in the world I got so close to you.

I liked it before. I liked our other world with fewer people and fewer complications.

No, it isn't your fault your life is complicated. I can deal with that. Just don't go out of your way to make mine the same. If something's really bugging me, I'll tell you if I want to, damnit. If you ask me and I don't want to say, I will lie to you. It's none of your business.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part VII

And you hurt me. Ah god, you hurt me.

It was not done purposely, I know, but you still hurt me.

And what was I to do? Snap bitterly like I wanted? But that would ruin the play and I would end up breaking down in your arms--the very place I so desperately wanted to avoid.

You wouldn't understand. Very few people would.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part VIII

There is such a thing as moderation. Stay with the people while you're having fun; leave when you feel like you're getting pissed off. That way you don't explode and there's no drama. It's a simple rule, really.

I suppose it's so hard for you because we're opposites. You would like to deny it. You want to be special. You want to be a part of both worlds when you can't be--when you aren't even though you try to deny it.

I'm not like you, damnit.

And I sure as hell don't ever want to be.

RANDOM - Introvert vs. Extrovert Part IX

Just because I don't talk about problems doesn't mean I don't have them. Yes, they do pale in comparison to your great and colorful life of drama; however, they still exist, and I need time to deal with them.

Did I not leave when you needed to make a call? Did I not let you go when you needed to be alone?

Is it so hard to return the favor?

I am not at the point that you are. I do not need to be chased after. Not yet. ...And not by you, at least.

RANDOM - A piece of you

There are times when I am happy to be reminded of the smell of you. It's like a drug, like wine--it can take everything away.

But it isn't just what you wear--it is you. For there are others who wear the same thing, but it just isn't the same. There is some essence of you in the jacket that a bottle just can't capture.

And yes, it is small, but I am happy to have a piece of you.

RANDOM - Musings Part 1

So I could have seen you again. I had already seen you more than I had expected.

It wasn't that it was enough; I still wanted to see you--but just that--to simply see you. I wanted to be a phantom across the room, free to gaze and ponder without being a part of the scrutiny.

I knew I wouldn't be able to do that if I saw you again. The second time was perhaps my fault, but I had placed myself without thinking.

I must remember--you are my muse. I must distance myself from you lest I fall into a deeper obsession.

RANDOM - Musings Part 2

And then there are times when I wonder... I wonder how in the world did you become my muse? I mean, nothing against you, but how and why and just what was I thinking?

You're just a boy. You're just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. How did you suddenly become muse to me?

It's an unsettling thought.

Perhaps this is how one loses muses. Or perhaps this is where one begins to diverge from reality--deceiving oneself with delusions for answers.

Which way I will go, I do not know.