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d2hiriyuu
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#26
Old 12-27-2007, 09:54 PM

25. questioning

It was in this I did understand, it was questions that I had. And it was wording that I lacked. For for me it was not only the issue of the questions, but that they showed my emotions. In those emotions I could be read. I must have to delete the emotions, but to do so, could I, by any chance, not delete the questions. These questions are, and would be proof of how to analyze someone. It wasi n my qestions that i found my answers, and at time, showed the light and truth to others or myself without actually having to wait in conversation. I did though know I hated waiting, I despised it, and the questions gave me the answer in my time, not the others. In the end though, jealousy, and the questions are much of a factor to who I was creating self to be, and for Sein, she understood what form her jealousy took. It told her to not to be jealous, or to control the emotion for it showed her weakness to all.

d2hiriyuu
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#27
Old 12-28-2007, 06:59 AM

89. longing for

I sit, waiting with only the world wide web as a tool. It is something, I, and only I, seem to long for The feeling, it sits dormant to it , the nslowly rises, with every giggle, and every thought i have, watching as I go from emotionally controlled, to the point of fantasies want to take over. Every movement I want to enact on, it is then it dawns on me, no one should touch me, no one does, my reactions are untrolled from the effect. i want it.

No matter what I feel ligher, but the longing feeling sits in my chest, sitting, wnting to be enacted on. it is now, in this feelign i am more uncontrolled than normal. I would push my wishes onto another if i could, but it is now, that i must control this very feeling.

Not only that but I can feel my vry temperature rise, no reason from someone else, jsut my mind, my thoughts as it all melts into my heart. It is here that I want to pin someone down, preferably someone I am more loyal to, or someone who knew, but seeing as i am in wrong company, i do not.

I smile jsut thinking about it, what I could do, knowing i have never done so, and my imagination will stay that, imagination. I have not that reangth, nor am I normally in this mood right before i am seeing anyone. It is in this case I am warry of people touching me. No one should, for I have a hard time controllign mood as is, but worse if someone triggered me anyway. This is the problem with being sensitive, I am onstantly longing for it all.

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#28
Old 12-28-2007, 07:35 AM

4. music

The music is surround me, asking me to bounce, to dance, to get up. It used it's rhythm to control my emotion, the bounciness asking me to sway at the very least, and controlling my happiness, keeping in a state of happiness. the music bouncing from the walls, asking me to sway as i type, the words keeping my lovely emotion of amusement to be alive. I just want to toy with someone in the music, or at least play DDR. that is the effect of this artist, without it though i will fall asleep, for i am tired, but now I am hyper.

Now if there was DDR, I would want my partner. We would dance, joyfully get hyped up on the arrows and the dancing and the real movement, but do to me sitting, I sit and just bounce and sway to the music. the stone heart breaking as I move. The music making perfect sense to parts of my life.

The words continuing through the CD, although the rhythm similar and not changing, it is still a song I love, the artist being great. There is nothing ,but the emotions that continue my amusement. There is nothing but the music, and my movement of my body as I try to type and sway to the very existence of the music that keeps me moving.

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#29
Old 12-28-2007, 07:41 AM

4. music part 2

So on, my own i feel so alone, but i know it is still true that I am still in love with you. The words echo before the beat of the music, showing that I still do love the music, and the beat bouncing off sounding like someone coming down the stairs to the music, it demanding the very movement that I try hard not to give it so i can at the very least type what my body moves to and my ears hear.

Letting me be your girl.. the words proof of what i felt a year ago, when I was in love, but unable to obtain the existence of it, it was then i listened to depressing songs, songs that also meant something to me but at the same time controlled my emotions, letting them echo through the room because of the sorrow i felt from the inability to have the emotion, for my trying seemed pointless. It was not my choice to be that way, but i struggled, being the third party of a relationship, the hated one, the one at fault. It was then I sought the music that changes mood, the music letting me disappear into my own world, where nothing but the sadness of th song engulf me.

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#30
Old 12-28-2007, 08:04 AM

Random

lost in thought

I feel the knowledge i have, the thoughts I have flow, i need to be more careful, my mind is werid, it says things it shouldn't but with it all dead and unable to create that gate i seem to watch as it flows. It is reandom yes but it flows. Why does my friend's blanket smell of my X boyfriend, it is odd. Also talkign to someone untainted is odd, i want to hint at the thigns, but can't du to his understnading. There are so many times I wish i could turn his purity black, but at the same time, it is that purity that I like of him, I need him though to lose some of it if he plans to step forward. For that I can do nothing, nothing, and jsut push him, while hoping his journey he will taint himself. For if I taint the pure, they come out ead due to my streangth of imagination.

My face is nothing but a mask to who I am, and in that I lose one of the two i find myself spillign to the floor, rushing somewhere where it is dark and I an hide and reconstruct myself until I can walk again.

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#31
Old 12-29-2007, 08:06 AM

65. dominance

Enir-
Nothing is stronger than dominance. I watch as I melt to it, the control I had over you dead. I may be stronger, more able to control your emotions of yearning, solve your problems and be a listening ear at times, but it is when you are here, physically with me I melt. It takes the smallest things, a scratch on the head, a saying, a brush of my hair, almost nothing for it all to melt away. I want to scream at you sometimes, remembering events in the past, things to come, things I want to say, so I feel more in control, yet when it all happens, it all melts, my feelings of hatred, my feelings of power. My power melts, and you want it to, you like your dominance, yet you also like the feeling of not always having to be.

a year ago you knew, you realized my power, my help, I had control, and when I was you in person, I did, for a bit, but it washed away, and you know, you tell me all the time it is my fault, I take it, not caring, even though we both know it isn't. It is that power to tell me the unbelievable, and yet I accept it, proof of your power. You make me move, even when I try not to, you make me react when I am half trying not to, it is proof. It is something you alone known. You laugh, and if I could blush, I would, but instead I try harder, and it just makes you laugh more. I like your laugh, but it alone shows proof of me struggling helplessly, but not winning, something we both somehow enjoy.

It is in your dominance I am weak. It is this weakness i can not control. I like control, I like controlling my emotions. It is this weakness I must banish from my mind when I am far from you, it causes me to be weak, due to no one at my side. We learned this, it took 3 weeks for me to control my weakness and stand fully again. It asks to come out, and even now, wants to be there.

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#32
Old 12-30-2007, 07:52 AM

49. hatred

I hate happy couples, or the mere idea of it. People at some point said I had it, I believe not. It racked my brain, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. There are ups and downs, wanting to back stab, the loyalty, the suffering. It is something some don't see, but I don't like dealing with. No one I want to hit on me, I want a friendship, got that friendship. I have issues watching as people get together, it is sickening. I hope they aren't going to stay a couple. that is my initial thought. Even with mine, I didn't want it to last as long as it did.

Even now I watch as my life is torn to pieces, it is to blame to the relationships. It is the bitterness that I hold and the hatred as it all happens around me. I try not involve those who have one, those who want one, for it seems that with that they become jealous, jealous someone holds me dear. It is though I wish it not, for it all happens that I don't want someone who will bend backward for me, I want a friendship, people who are a nice friendship with me.

It is in this way that I am considering myself a guy around other guys. I want them not to consider themselves able to swoon to my needs, it is something that I run from, I want to never look back, for I watch as people get hurt from my running, but it is that if I turn around, it is that they won't be worth it either. I would sooner be bitter and love friends for life than to deal with people attending to my every little need. Bitterness is controllable, and in that sense i hate the uncontrolled. I hate perfect relationships, or being in one myself, or other people in one, bitterness is better, it just shows my hatred.

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#33
Old 01-04-2008, 06:44 AM

96. breaking down

Breaking down is depressing ,a never ending depression that makes me want to curl up and just cry until there is no liquid left in my body. As such though, it is worse with emotions, I can make it all disappear without those silly things. Climbing into the darkness, or falling as my world is torn into the pieces as I watch as what I wanted, emotionally, is not happening. This can be as simple as someone yelling at me, or as annoying as my break up with my boyfriend. It is such then I cry ,and cry, cry until it all falls out onto the floor and drips out, spilling out of my brain int on the abyss for the world to see. It is when I am weak and unable to deal with my life coming to pieces. I rely so much on people, yet nothing has ever come out of that is great for me.

In this world shredding everything that i hold dear, even if it is only one connection, it will kill me, and in doing so, I will no long interact with the other connections. This will cause displeasement in the world of mine and without anything else, I will feel distance enough that if no one knows of my death, nor cares, it will happen.

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#34
Old 01-04-2008, 06:58 AM

random

love hurts

love hurts all the time. The jealousy after you broke up is worse. Why after i pushed his aside did he crawl back to me then decide to play after I am back and let him back to my side. it hurts desperately, he is awesome in some many ways, but i don't want him to let go. I didn't, and now with everything, he does. It hurts beyond comparison, to the point of where I break daily, from wanting to know why he is ignoring me, testing me, pushing me away. he wants me to not question my existence to him, it is bad. He will never be mine fully, and that is fine with me, he won't create a "perfect couple" it would be us needing each other, yet in the end, I still love him. He hurts me, abuses my emotions and loves to tease and play with them, it is then I hurt again, like the back stabbing way that has happened. It is then I understand what love is, what it means to be jealous of those you know not. It is then I want to hug him tightly and say you are mine, I refuse to give you up permanently, it is then I want to say, you can come back to me, talk to me if you want. But it is then I watch him let go and wander around, hurting my existence and making me want to cry out and flee from what he has done, but my love keeps me near him at all time, unable to grasp him as he leaves, but I still comfort him when he comes, watching as he hurts my emotions, toys with them, over and over, makign the love hurt all the much more.

psyrien
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#35
Old 01-04-2008, 07:02 AM

*flyingtacklehugsyou*

I can totally relate with that concept of not making a "perfect couple." It's mostly the reason why I don't want a relationship. I feel like I'm too imperfect, not quite ready to love someone else correctly. Ideally, couples should be able to actually love each other, not just need each other. ...but then what about all those people who just need? It's not like they can survive alone.

I think I'm gonna go write a drabble in response.

*hugs you again*

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#36
Old 01-04-2008, 07:10 AM

people who need also have a tendency to hold another one, I really liked the getting needed at times, and he helped me as far as my needs, taught stuff I didn't know, and yeah, was basically a relationship of we fed off each other's needs and liked being needed, it is in that though we also fell for each other, which was bliss when I was around him, and yeah, it causes problems when you need and they aren't there, yeah long distance needy relationship bad.

I am so glad only my few friends are here, so not to find these drabbles, people would think of me differently.

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#37
Old 01-04-2008, 07:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by d2hiriyuu
I am so glad only my few friends are here, so not to find these drabbles, people would think of me differently.
Ditto. Totally.

If more of my friends found my drabbles, I would be so, so screwed because they'd probably be able to guess who they were about. This place is like my safe little haven where I can be a nobody linked to no one and just pour out my soul and have no one care.

I actually didn't expect you to read my drabbles. I've got another friend on here and we usually don't read each other's stuff very often unless we tell each other about it. We like just lurking in our corners and writing our hearts out.

But it is nice to know someone is actually reading what I write. It makes me feel less lost sometimes.

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#38
Old 01-05-2008, 06:08 AM

yes in the end I do read like half your drabbles, if it relates to me or moves me I will read more. Also other than the two other on the drabble part, I refuse to put people on do to they already know my situation, they are the people who listen when I need the stuff to go no where, but I needed someone to talk to.

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#39
Old 01-06-2008, 06:46 AM

88. walking away

this is a continuation to love hurts

I watch as I am unable to do anything. I asked him to get another girlfriend, knowing what it did to him. I wanted to push him, hoping he would find one while I was gone. instead I come back, he opens the emotions back up, then finds a girl on Christmas Eve. My jealousy rages beyond control, it was disgusting, I wanted it all to go away. And slowly he became committed, though he did give me a chance to do what I wanted with him before I left. For that I am grateful. At the same time, I want to watch over him, but I have to walk away, knowing my emotions to him are no longer wanted, and a burden to my relationship to him as friends. I have no clue what will happen when I can't touch him, hold him, or get hold.

I got what I wanted, though a minor form of it, I lost my chance, my body rejected it, I wish it hadn't. I watched as my love fell, and I walked away from him. I want him but I won't have him so I have come to some sort of terms to it. The terms hurt, I want to lock all of my emotions away, control how i think, how I act around everyone. It is harder to when in love, and it was best to be hurt, to be broken hearted, then it is to be in the half limbo that the broken heart gives me.

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#40
Old 01-06-2008, 07:06 AM

88. walking away part 2

The broken heart is best broken in person, it hurts and is painful, but sitting there ignored was worse. I refuse to cry, and as such, he would not know what to do. I cry silently, I was lying thinking hard as my situation, knowing the ritual would mean nothing because my love does not feel love toward me. Instead, it seems that although the feeling is there, it is no longer an art that it use to be, but that is how life seems to hate me back for getting control over my emotional life for a while.

It is in this state I must run, run from everything. I plan to control everything, and in the end, I must avoid everyone i am emotionally attached to. It is in this that I am unstable, people could easily help, but I wil llose the ability to be strong, the ability to stand on my own, I must avoid all emotions so I can recover, and control. Otherwise I can not help what is going to happen to those around me.


One keeps pressing me for answers, to that which I cannot tell, and he wants to comfort, but it will weaken me, and in doing so, will probably break my emotions open. And then my recovery will hurt more, so I am running, and locking what I can so I can be just friends with my love again.

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#41
Old 01-07-2008, 04:38 AM

Random

contradiction

So I have come to the realization, that I am in the end I am nothing but a contradiction. The contradictions cause me to be unable to understand myself. And yet someone wants me to describe what I want, and have someone to do as I want. Become what I want. But what I want is a contradiction in itself, so it is in that I confuse him. I say one thing, and sometimes go against that, it is in that he will mostly likely get confused as to what I do, I have only not been a contradiction to one person, and to him, he has been special to me, and now I am on my own, back to the contradictions. Back to the life that I will now hide from my own emotions and become a contradiction to myself that loves to do what the best for the world, not for myself, even if it should and does hurt me instead.

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#42
Old 01-07-2008, 07:48 AM

contradiction part 2

As the contradiction continues, I watch the puppet that follows my moves fail to know what I want. I want some things, I crave others, but I deny them both with my words. It is in this i am but a confused child, the very existence of emotions confuses me more. I want them controlled, like that of everything else. Not only controlled, but to follow that of the second half, the one who likes to control others. Know what they know, do as they would like, appease to others and not to the vessel that contains it. The two clash, contradicting each other on any single idea. It is like a small debate in my head, one though can disappear, like that of a bird leaving the nest. It is one that disappears for the joy of the other, it keeps self in line. The one that disappears normally is emotion of self, self no longer cares about itself and prefers the happiness of others to it. It becoming no longer important. There has been a few times emotions one, and when they did, I hurt others, hurt many around me and watched them all crumble as I got what I wanted, and never again doing anything but what I chose to do. I lose the happy medium between the two quite easily. This leaves one to always, lose, emotion or the worldly side, in that at least, they contradict each other, like opposites, born to be the opposite, born to contradict each other.

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#43
Old 01-08-2008, 07:17 AM

random

rage

nothing is left, but the rage once felt. The effort from two sleep deprived people as one is trying to break though to the other what they want. It simply started with wrong wording, and then continued, boiling, bubbling up to the surface till it dripped all over the table, leaving the fumes of rage. The yelling, the leaving for the sanity. The sorrow as one sits lonely and broke, rage left in the mind, wanting to just sit and stay there, the violin plays to soothe, but nothing can save as the rage still boils. It was all the other's fault, not wanting to see the sides, but yet this is what happens, with the rage left, and no one to direct it at, it wanders, through the floor as the wet balls drip and soothe the rage through more wet rage. It is such that no one is safe, no one from the logic that makes no sense, the idea that nothing is left but the empty case as the soul leaves to run into the dark, unable to return, for the rage lives. The rage, the rage, it is but what happens to the fumes, but it is here to stay, till nothing is left in the brain but that and the tiredness that is the cause.

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#44
Old 01-09-2008, 06:43 AM

random

perfect person

There is no such thing as a perfect person, or even the perfect guy. Each one seems to have something annoying about them. It is in that sense that I must say dating the perfect guy is not possible. The next date just has to be better than my last, with my last and my first being equally important as those in the middle. Each one a stepping block to showing me what I can live with, and giving a better image of the "perfect guy". Yet this perfect guy does not exist, so where does one stop and marry, who knows when that is. Also there is no perfect guy mold, it just can't happen, being nice is great and all, but some other things that are not nice give character, for there is no such thing as perfect character.

In this it makes little sense as to why people want the perfect partner, there is always a small downside, no matter how small, but thee is one, and the knowledge of that has come to show that wanting the best guy there is is not physically possible. Certain people like traits more than others, so even more so there is no mold, not even fro the dreamy girl in the corner, who wishes that she could be picked up by someone.

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#45
Old 01-12-2008, 07:14 AM

random

shatttered glass

nothing is left, but the shattered glass. The shattered glass that has fallen, and here I stand, holding the pieces, walking away, never to be able to replace them all. A small hole, or a gaping one, left when all is left. my first love, watching him find the one he likes, a new one, a new toy, like me, the bridge from his old to his new, nothing left of the bridge, without it's need. He needs not go back, so it is broken, the glass bridge of the heart. Description of how he feels around her equal and describing mine all that year ago, when I was longing for that which i did not find possible. He used me, but finds me, to this day, amusing, laughing at me as I pick the pieces and try to build again, but unlike the ramune bottle, they don't hold, leaving me in shambles.

Crying should come, it should have long ago, but the shattered pieces are mine alone to pick up. There is help that is wanting to come, but without the pain, and with someone to lean on, I watch as I never fully heal, and instead replace the hole that will be there with the helper, leaving them a false hope. It is in this hope I find people like me, and in this hope I wish to shatter the glass once again, and rebuild it all on my own.

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#46
Old 01-12-2008, 07:22 AM

30. when nothing is left

When nothing is left, will you still hold me?
When nothing is left, will I still amuse you?
When nothing is left, will I drift into the shadows, or still try and be a shining hope, lifting everything out of your way. I existed on emotions alone, I know not how guys do it, but they can, and with that, I hurt others. So when it is all gone, will you still be my friend? Will the tickling stop, or has it already? It never happened before, and I know the jealousy will someone die, but I will always wonder, what if, but it should not be a statement, for I am living my life how I want to, when all I can do is sit and deal with what is given, which is nothing. This false hope is nothing, this amusement to you is nothing, but in the end, I desire your craft, your craft that you call not a craft, but i do, yet you desire someone from me, and had gained it, so when nothing is left I can offer, am I to be tossed aside, never to return to your side, or will I end up forever lost in my own life, living nothing like you. When nothing is left, will you be my friend?

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#47
Old 01-12-2008, 07:32 AM

random

nice guys

Where have all the nice guys gone, or where have all the nice girls gone. They have found themselves alone, left ot the wateside of the others, not wanting ot date the nice guys. They are good friends, but friends can't corrupt that which is also nice, and being nice doens't mean experrimenting, and not caring what happens, nice is watchign out for it all, and thinking clearly. THinking clearly is opposite of emotions, which leave me to this waste side I feel I belong. I am nothing, not a nice girl, not deserving of the nice guys, but only deserve to be a stepping stone, if I am lucky, for the amusing scum that gives us the false hope. It is in this that the nice boys and girls are all to be corrupted, without being able to know what to do, I am corrupted, left with little but the life that was in me, and the life to stand, it is lucky if someone can explain it all, but the perfect pair is not the exact same. My male version that I want is not nice, but someone who can be there, yet has the corruption that is from the scum. Thus making them not nice.

The nice guys are what they want to be, holing themselves dear and not pursuing till that perfect person, there is none, the girls need the unbalance, for dating a nice guy is not as ideal as one thinks. It is in this that the ones who consider themselves nice are indeed possibly nice in their mind, but nothing more than a loner unable to get what they want due to just watching as the world goes around them.

The nice girls love the false hope, and love it to the ends of being abused, the boys watch, and wait, watching as the few they might have liked get married, and the ones who aren't choose the corruption.

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#48
Old 01-16-2008, 07:03 AM

random

geeks versus artists intro

It has dawned on me I have not done a long version of my view on regular non-romantic part of my life. This conversation on aim is stupid, but I think is close minded. So after conversation written, I'll explain and drabble about it again.

the conversation alone will be a post

Mitil is not someone talked about so far in the drabble, but for those who know me, i have indeed talked about him. He is an peer at best.

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#49
Old 01-16-2008, 07:07 AM

geek versus artist conversation

Mitil: i never got around to learning any instruments
Mitil: considered it a waste of time i guess
Dra: how come?
Mitil: too much of a techie i guess
Mitil: besides i don't think i could be any good
Mitil: so why bother if i'm just going to cause pain to others? :P
Dra: .....
Mitil: art is not for me
Mitil: speaking of which, nice sketch
Dra: I know alot of techies who can play, but that is just boulder it seems, my boss is uber techie (boss for LARP) is CEO of LARP company plays many DnD and vampire and other games, huge transformers and anime fan, yet can pick up most instruments and play them, best for him is guitar and piano
Dra: hm?
Mitil: by techie i mean science geek not general geek
Mitil: i'm a math person
Mitil: extremely poor in anything that has to do with art
Mitil: and i'm talking about your latest deviation
Mitil: it's a nice sketch
Dra: ah, that one
Dra: I am a math and science geek ,as is other people, it isn't that, i think people here i grew up are just uber
Mitil: you're not only math and science though
Mitil: that's the difference
Mitil: you're art also
Mitil: i am not
Dra: no, started math and science mostly, did art cause dad did it while being a ME person
Dra: similar to mark
Mitil: exactly
Mitil: i never even started with art
Dra: not started with art, did more later in my life
Dra: as i said people where i come from are just uber and do alot of things

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#50
Old 01-16-2008, 07:16 AM

random

geek versus artist

what is an art, is it the ability one has, but then, what seprated talent, and ability from art. Is doing calc not an art, or is it, singing is an art, playing is an art, even another language can be considered an art. But indeed, it seems that it is not to all. Everyone focuses differently, and I live where art is who we are, not a necessity, but people are more open to what art is . Art is a talent one has worked to near perfection, but can't perfect, that in my mind is what it is. Reading's one's movements is an art, as must if not more than music, but that is do to my perception, it is in that I feel one I know has an art. There are few in the world who purposely put themselves down, and that is when they shorten their talent, and in that sense, shorten or give up artistic talent. It is in that that people can be geeks, but geeks are talented. I know to many who are, so what if their passion is elsewhere, unless it is a hermit, who even then has a art for hiding from society, it is that geeks are passionate not on reading or writing, but the perfect answer, but creativity flows where it feels and that is what art is, the outlet to the creativity, which is never a perfect being, but instead, something one can process at all times.

 


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