I had to dress up all nice and clean and try to play 'normal' today whilst looking at apartments, which are more difficult than renting rooms in houses because of the income checks and credit checks... I don't have any credit nor any income at the moment because I'm disabled. I feel rather discriminated against and even the homeless help place can't help me UNTIL I get a place, but a place won't accept me UNTIL I pass all the checks... if I don't calm down I might come apart at the seams tonight... and I don't mean in the cute Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas way... I mean ending up in Psychiatric Emergency because I've given up on life -_-

Awh Crow! I really hope things get better for you <3 May The Force Be With You :lol:

ya me too.

I spent just shy of 24 hours in Psychiatric Emergency. Since the hospital is close I drove. At one stopsign I started creeping forward as pedestrains were almost done crossing and an old man STOPPED and turned to face me. I tried to get him to go on then he got all chest puffy like he wanted to face. I rolled my eyes and made a finger gun to my head because I didn't have time for this and and this point he was yelling something at me. I rolled down the window and screamed after him:

"Listen, I feel like cutting my wrists open right now and bleeding everywhere, and if I have a mind to outright kill myself, so if I jump off a bridge and splatter my fucking brains all over the pavemment it will be your fucking fault because you fucking people don't care!"

... it was a bad time to try to act like a jerk towards me.

im sorry. how are you doing now? i use to be like that. but ive been in a psychiatric hospital when i was 14 for cutting. the stupid quacks put me on zoloft and abilify at the same time. omg it messsed me up horribly. and i was at the hospital for almost a month now my nephew is in the same psychiatric hospital right now. he was on zoloft but that made him even worse. and so he has to stay in the inpatient program for 5 to 10 days. im so worried about him.

If a typical anti depressant (usually an SSRI) makes somebody worse, that is a strong indicator that they are bipolar or manic depressive and actually need a mood stabilizer like depakote.

At the very beginning of my courtship with medication, they put me on Depakote in case I was bipolar, but it might as well have been a placebo because it did NOTHING for me and I even have an image of my bloody wrist with the boxes of Depakote in the background.

Lexapro worked for me but it made me more jittery. Paxil works similarly except it is more sedative. I was up to 60 mg, but my pain management group suggested I try an SNRI (something to keep both serantonin AND norepinendrine bouncing around in your head longer) so now I take 60 mg of Cymbalta every morning in addition to 20 mg of Paxil.

During my 6 hours home I got into a heated bit with my significant other who was acting in a very scary way and we got into an argument and I cut myself so bad I then had to drive myself to the ER where they put 14 stapes in my arm while I was fully conscious and aware of the pain then had to spend another night in psychiatric emergency.

I need to visit a potential place to live tonight and I need to figure out a way to cover up my arm that is not under dressing (a sweatshirt or hoodie) or over-dressing (a dress suit). Ugh.

ya well i am bipolar. and i take symbiax. its a new bipolar med. and im sorry

Things aren't easy when you have depression, but it really helps you keep in touch with both the beauty and sadness of the 'dark' side of life, and you tend to be in touch with counter-culture more than the mainstream 'sheep'.

ya i know. so what u been up to today?

I'm having way too much fun with this body-less teddy bear. It talks to me and Deimos is jealous. Phobos would probably be too if she wasn't busy working on things for my charity. Eventuallly those two are going to have to tag off.