SOAR* COMMENT & DISCUSSION THREAD__________


This is the comment thread for the ongoing story, Soar*. Please feel free to discuss the chapters, & your view on the works.


Please remember, this story is still in the works, & what you see is NOT the final product.


Thankyou!

Lilithia, I've really enjoyed what you've shared so far! The descriptions of the school and the people who go there are all vivid and I had a clear picture in my mind. And my curiosity has certainly been peaked as to what's going on with all the people there and why they've acted so coldly to Lia.

I'll definitely be keeping up with this!

Originally Posted by Aliena

Lilithia, I've really enjoyed what you've shared so far! The descriptions of the school and the people who go there are all vivid and I had a clear picture in my mind. And my curiosity has certainly been peaked as to what's going on with all the people there and why they've acted so coldly to Lia.

I'll definitely be keeping up with this!

Thankyou SO much for your wonderful comment! I've updated with Chapter Four, & Chapter Five now! Please give me a shout when you're ready for more. XD


I really wouldn't want to go to this school... but you'll find out why - laaaterrr. XD

Curiosity is getting to me, I feel as if something is going to happen, but I can't quite put my fingers on it *o* The description on the school and the student body somehow reminds me of Hana Yori Dango xD That was the first thing that comes to my mind as I read.

Anyways, update soon so I know what will happen to Lia *o* <3

Hmmm...the drama teacher does sound creepy! More please!

Originally Posted by kimcheeboo

Curiosity is getting to me, I feel as if something is going to happen, but I can't quite put my fingers on it *o* The description on the school and the student body somehow reminds me of Hana Yori Dango xD That was the first thing that comes to my mind as I read.

Anyways, update soon so I know what will happen to Lia *o* <3

Awww, I am a fan of Hana Yori Dango, however this story is nothing like Hana Yori Dango, but I hope it still interests you. :D

Originally Posted by Aliena

Hmmm...the drama teacher does sound creepy! More please!

Done & DONE! Chapter, six, seven & eight are now up for your reading pleasure. Please comment for an update. :D

Agree with kimcheebo. The beginning summary is so Hana Yori Dango like, but I'll take your word for it. I'm going to be commenting on each chapter in some detail, so as to give you more constructive criticism. Please don't beat me... :oops:

Chapter 1 - Not too great a first impression, to be honest. Everything just gave me a really plain impression. Very dry, almost to the point of boredom. My suggestion would be to edit it a bit so that you're not just explaining everything. Show, not tell. Have Lia call her sister, or vice versa. Get some action in there instead of just having her brood.

Chapter 2 - This is why I kept reading. Seemed your skill or inspiration skyrocketed after chapter 1. Descriptions in this one are deeper, more flowery. "Her eyes dug deep into the fine stitching of their shirts, the craftsmanship of their bags, and the sleek watches that they adorned." Great line.

Chapter 3 - Klinks...? The name sticks out with me because it seems inconsistent with the rest of your characters. Be sure to try and match time period, culture, setting into everything. Or else it'll just be a big soup of nothing. Good set-up to her first day though, the events made it easier for the reader to relate.

Chapter 4 - Best chapter so far, in my opinion. Loving Vanessa already, you seemed to have her personality sketched out well and that really helps a lot. And the Anna Sui thing was pretty genius. Drama teacher was too obvious, mellows out the suspense. Maybe tone it down a bit more and try not to roll so fast?

Chapter 5 - Nothing much to say here. Again with the telling though... More showing Lili!!

To be continued... 8)

Originally Posted by Kain

Agree with kimcheebo. The beginning summary is so Hana Yori Dango like, but I'll take your word for it. I'm going to be commenting on each chapter in some detail, so as to give you more constructive criticism. Please don't beat me... :oops:

Alright! I don't mind! It's got nothing to do with Hana Yori Dango, it's more complex than that, but I won't give away any spoilers. :D

Originally Posted by Kain

Chapter 1 - Not too great a first impression, to be honest. Everything just gave me a really plain impression. Very dry, almost to the point of boredom. My suggestion would be to edit it a bit so that you're not just explaining everything. Show, not tell. Have Lia call her sister, or vice versa. Get some action in there instead of just having her brood.

I think the one thing I'm most weak in is the introductory parts to the story. The very beginning. I hate writing beginnings to story, I stress over first person, or third person, then do I start with an action? A speech? A quote? A description of a person? I can never make up my mind.

So back in 2004 when I wrote the intro I was just winging it. I get more confident as I go along though.

Originally Posted by Kain

Chapter 2 - This is why I kept reading. Seemed your skill or inspiration skyrocketed after chapter 1. Descriptions in this one are deeper, more flowery. "Her eyes dug deep into the fine stitching of their shirts, the craftsmanship of their bags, and the sleek watches that they adorned." Great line.

I wanted to start the story off by setting the scene up & everything, then kickstarting to the actual story if you can describe it as that. I'm more pleased with Chapter Two than Chapter One.

Originally Posted by Kain

Chapter 3 - Klinks...? The name sticks out with me because it seems inconsistent with the rest of your characters. Be sure to try and match time period, culture, setting into everything. Or else it'll just be a big soup of nothing. Good set-up to her first day though, the events made it easier for the reader to relate.

I had a teacher called Clynx. It's not a fake name, just different spelling. Same pronounciation.

Originally Posted by Kain

Chapter 4 - Best chapter so far, in my opinion. Loving Vanessa already, you seemed to have her personality sketched out well and that really helps a lot. And the Anna Sui thing was pretty genius. Drama teacher was too obvious, mellows out the suspense. Maybe tone it down a bit more and try not to roll so fast?

Drama teacher thing, I needed to throw it in, but it's not as obvious as you think. Don't underestimate me!! :D Love Vanessa, but I remember not many people were fans of that character... but I think Vanessa is awesome. :D

Originally Posted by Kain

Chapter 5 - Nothing much to say here. Again with the telling though... More showing Lili!!

To be continued... 8)

By request, I've posted up Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten & Chapter Eleven. Feel free to give a shout when you want an update!

XD I actually liked the first chapter.
Though the chapters are rather short, they don’t seem hurried at first. You portray her anticipation well.

The introduction of the drama teacher made me laugh- it wasn’t that funny, but it was curious.

Originally Posted by Ch 7

He had been badly bruised and beaten towards the head

This phrase is kind of awkward. Perhaps making it "towards his head?"

Originally Posted by Ch 8

The school indeed was well protected. There were gates and guards, as if the school area belonged to royalty, that’s how well protected the school was.

You can take out "that’s how well protected the school was." The concept would still be portrayed, and be simplified.

Wow, jumps in thaught- there was no indication that Lia thaught that Vanessa was sleeping with him. Perhapse you could expand previous exerts to mention this. All we know is that Lia found him to be odd, possibly having relations wiht the students, but not with Vanessa specifically.

I see a reluctance to use contractions. Contractions are occassionally considered informal, but if you're talking about thaughts of students in highschool, even if it is a prestegious grammar school, contractions can fit the setting, and are not rude. (It could just be your style)

You said the latest chapters were posted by request. Don't let your readers rush you if it means you don't pay as much attention as you do when you have time. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide when a piece is ready to be posted for public view.

Thanks for the critique! Oh I must've missed those mistakes!


Actually these chapters were already written, around 30+ chapters have been already written but I'll slowly be posting them up here. I hope that by posting them up, I will be inspired to end this story & complete it.


:D

Nobody wants an update anymore? :cry:

I'm still reading on it! I need to sit down and catch up! Been busy working on some projects and getting back into the writing zone myself! But yes, the interest is still here at least on my part!

Let me know when you finish. XD I don't want to post up so much writing that it turns you off to read it all. XD !!

The thread has been updated right through to Chapter 15!! I hope it's a good read!