At our apartment complex, the people are just not friendly! I can smile and say "Hi," but most times they look the other way and act like I didn't say anything!
Oddly, the majority of the residents at our apartment complex are students of the Colorado Christian University across the street from us. I find it odd how unfriendly they are.
The only person who has befriended me is an attempting-to-recover alcoholic who seems even more depressed than me.
I do attempt to make positive choices in my life but sadness and tears come and envelope me nevertheless!
My granddaughter, Hope, is my shining star through all the darkness, but lately, when she comes to spend the night I still find myself fighting back tears for no good reason.
I think that the fact that winter is coming on and I will be forced to stay inside more is part of my problem.

Originally Posted by Inzanebraned

At our apartment complex, the people are just not friendly! I can smile and say "Hi," but most times they look the other way and act like I didn't say anything!
Oddly, the majority of the residents at our apartment complex are students of the Colorado Christian University across the street from us. I find it odd how unfriendly they are.
The only person who has befriended me is an attempting-to-recover alcoholic who seems even more depressed than me.
I do attempt to make positive choices in my life but sadness and tears come and envelope me nevertheless!
My granddaughter, Hope, is my shining star through all the darkness, but lately, when she comes to spend the night I still find myself fighting back tears for no good reason.
I think that the fact that winter is coming on and I will be forced to stay inside more is part of my problem.

Ain't no surprise. The bible says that in the end times, because of iniquity, the love of many will wax cold. With all the lawlessness and injustices in this world, it's a wonder anyone or anything even functions.

If I were a millionaire, I'd have you winter in Arizona if you wanted to. I like the desert in winter.

Coincidentally, recently I jokingly mentioned to the BF that I should spend winter in Arizona while he enjoys plowing snow here!

Originally Posted by Inzanebraned

Coincidentally, recently I jokingly mentioned to the BF that I should spend winter in Arizona while he enjoys plowing snow here!

Yeah, you can swim in the Colorado River up until November.

https://youtu.be/zi-f_J6hV-g

Check out this documentary about these unhinged Canuckleheads from Vancouver, BC who live outdoors and enjoy racing downhill on shopping carts. It's called Carts of Darkness.

Where did u get that hat?

Originally Posted by Captkayd

Where did u get that hat?

From the Marketplace when it was more active than today. It's called the Totally is Santa's Hat, and is a rare item.

I keep waiting for the day that I feel better...but it hasn't come yet.
I feel sad, anxious and panicky every day.
I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
I think about writing about it here, but it's just not the same as having a face to talk to.
I have a doctor appointment in a couple of weeks...I will address this with her then.

You should write it here. Don't feel badd about whatever you have to say that's why I started this place. I just kept feeling sadder and sadder and more alone and near to express it but still haven't been able to. I am very glad you made a doctors appointment. I hope she has some help for you. Please keep me posted private messages are fine as well. I'll try and make sure I have remain there for you and if I don't profile come me to clear out my inbox!

Having depression sucks.
You wake up feeling pretty good and then as the day goes on
it feels like sometimes even just existing is extremely hard and everything feels pointless.

I've tried to post in here numerous times...sometimes I was interrupted by someone or something...sometimes I just lost my desire to post.
The depression is not getting better. If depression were money, I'd be one of the richest people on earth!
I went to my doctor and she wants me to start seeing the behavior specialist.
I also found out that I am have major Vitamin D deficiency and elevated Bilirubin.
I need to have an "upper quadrant ultrasound" to check my liver.
My cardiologist says she thinks my heart is fine, but if the anxiety and panicky feelings don't subside once I start seeing the behavior specialist, she wants me to come back for a stress test.
I can't wait for Christmas to be over! It only compounds my already sad mood! I am NOT filled with holiday cheer and peace and joy!
I miss Hope every day...and was recently told that she will not be coming for a sleepover that I had been looking forward to. She will, instead, be helping her other grandmother trim her tree.
I am happy for Hope that she will be spending time with her other grandmother...but I am selfishly sad that she won't be coming to spend time with me.
The BF's days off have changed again.
Sarah tends to do things she knows will upset me...mostly making this whiny noise like she wants something but never tries to help me know what that is! When I ask her if she wants me to be mad, she nods her head! (She has the mind of a 2 year old, although she is 36 years old.)
When the BF is home, he spends most of his time on his phone, playing a game with his friends. He usually doesn't even notice when I'm talking to him.
I feel like I am alone all the time.
Christmas is just a few days away and I haven't put up a tree because I feel like nobody will come to see it if I did! I probably will put up the small tree I have so Sarah can see the pretty lights...but my heart is just not in it!
I am broke and can only buy cheap toys for my grandkids.
....Sorry if this sounds like a pity party...but I feel like if I don't take a little pity upon myself, nobody will!
I told the doctor that I am not suicidal...but that I just don't enjoy being alive.
I just go through the motions of doing things that need to be done every day.
Maybe one day things will be better.

Do not ever feel like you can't post in here. Say what you need to say feel how you need to feel and EFF everybody who says you should just get over it. I know how it feels not be able to post how you feel and you have to put on a happy face, It's almost unbearable sometimes. But you do have hope and Sarah does need you. And to be honest we need you. I just read about vitamin B12, it has helped stave off depression. Check and see if your doctor thinks it's OK to start supplementing B12. And try and get as much sunshine as you can. I know these are little things but honestly it has helped me a lot. I actually got a Sun lamp and put it in the bathroom and after a bath I turn it on and while I'm drying my hair I have a little bit of vitamin d.

R u b y: this is wyguy

Being depressed during Christmas really sucks! It got so bad I could feel it physically...like my whole body just felt sooo heavy!
Then, Hope got to come over and stay for 2 nights...and while she was here I felt like I could float!
Granted, it is challenging for me to keep up with her...she has so much energy and rarely sits still...always wants me to do stuff when I'm already busy...
Hope has a lingering cough from a cold she caught during the second week of December. She doesn't cough much during the day, but shortly after she falls asleep it starts and it wakes her up and it often makes her throw up...but she didn't throw up while she was here! Yay! And the cough seemed better the second night than the first night.
On the second night, Sarah developed a dental abscess and we had to take a late night trip to the ER to get her an antibiotic.
Although Hope went with us and she was kept out later than usual, it cut into the time I would have used to do special things with her...like reading and playing games and cuddling before sleeptime.
We got a late start this morning...and Hope's mom texted to tell me she would be coming to get Hope earlier than usual...So, I rushed to get stuff done before mom arrived.
Hope wanted to take a walk with me before she had to go home, so we asked her mom to keep an eye on Sarah while we walked around the block.
Then was the rush to get Hope packed up to leave because mom had to pick up Hope's dad from work. Hope was dragging her feet about the process because she didn't want to leave...She kinda acted out and acted angry and when I asked her to tell me with words what the matter was, she said "I am angry because I don't want to leave!"
Oh, how that touched my heart! ...But I told her that I was sure that her dad was looking forward to seeing her and that her cat was missing her.
Mom got all Hope's stuff in the car and I helped Hope get into the car...I got my kisses and hugs and I love you...and then they left.
Now my house is too quiet...even with Sarah complaining about her discomfort...there is no "Gramma look! Gramma play with me! Gramma..." and there is no giggling and laughter.
I am always sad after she leaves.
There is talk of her coming to stay the night again next week.
She will be spending New Year's Eve night with her other grandmother.
I will try to keep my spirits up until she comes to my house again.
Knowing she will probably be back sometime next week gives me something to look forward to.
Tending to Sarah and her swollen face will distract me some anyway.
It's the going to bed and waking up that are hardest for me...those times that I cuddle Hope the most when she is here.
....Sorry for this long post! ...I just needed to write it out and feel like I got some of it out of my system.

Never ever apologize for the length of your post. This is where you get it off your chest where you won't be judged were you won't upset anybody for talking about yourself. Most especially me. I am thrilled you got to spend some quality time with hope. I'm sorry she felt so sad about leaving and I'm happy with the way you helped her feel like she had something to look forward to leaving to see her pet. I wish your mom when understand what a great influence you are 4. I do hope you have a really nice visit when she comes for new years. Big hug

HIM has given up.

Don't give up so early into 2019 this could be your year

Nothing to look forward to.

Originally Posted by HIM_ROCK

Nothing to look forward to.

Y'know...I feel that way most of the time, too...but I just keep hoping that something good is lurking around a corner just waiting for the right time to surprise me.
(((hugs))) HIM.

Originally Posted by HIM_ROCK

Nothing to look forward to.

*big tight HUG* what is your favorite thing?


---------- Post added 01-05-2019 at 06:50 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Inzanebraned

Y'know...I feel that way most of the time, too...but I just keep hoping that something good is lurking around a corner just waiting for the right time to surprise me.
(((hugs))) HIM.

*waits for lurking goodness with Izzie*

Well...the "sad" hasn't really set in yet...but it's just a matter of time before it does.
I had Hope for 2 nights and she just left with her mom about half an hour ago.
Oh, the chaos that runs rampant at my house when Hope is here is exhausting but I wouldn't trade it for the world!
I told her mom, today, that Hope is like a "feel good drug" for me.
The panicky anxiety seems to just float away and disappear while she is here.
It is replaced by a different kind of anxiety...one where I am trying to find time to do all the things I need to do and want to do before it is time for her to leave...all the activity gives a reason to the anxiety so it doesn't make me feel bad.
We did a lot of stuff together this time...we decorated a gingerbread house, painted some pictures, played with her toys, played some hide and seek games, took a couple short walks, played with her toys, watched a movie...and played with her toys!
During a rather hectic moment when I was trying to cook dinner and play with Hope and her toys, I decided I needed to go outside all by myself to smoke a cigarette and asked Hope not to come with me. She was disappointed but decided to watch TV until I came in.
When I came in, she was wiping tears from her eyes! I asked her why she was crying and she said "Nobody ever wants to play what I want to play!"
I asked her "What have I been doing with you all day?!?"
She said "No...I mean at home, nobody wants to play what I want to play! Mom and dad don't want to play with my toys with me!"
Aww....I felt so bad for her!...but I had to tell her that her mom usually feels tired and her dad works all day and is tired when he gets home...and that I was sorry that she always has to play alone...and then I reminded her that when she comes to my house I enjoy playing with her toys with her and that's what makes her visits with me so special.
She is 6 years old and her parents want her to "be a big girl" and they forget how important sharing playtime is to a developing child. They figure she is fine to play by herself.
This is why she spends so much time looking at her iPad.
So, anyway...my 2-day dose of "feel good drug" has run out and she had to go home to her parents and start getting back into the routine of going back to school on Tuesday.
Hope asked her mom if she can come back on Friday for a sleepover...mom said "We'll have to see what is going on for the weekend."
I hate to get my hopes up in thinking that she will be back on Friday and have it fall through...but looking forward to seeing her again is what gives me something to look forward to.
Sarah has physical therapy tomorrow...I have an ultrasound appointment on Tuesday...then the BF goes back to work on Wednesday and then I will be alone with Sarah in what seems like an extra-empty apartment.
I think I needed to to write all this out to distract me from the sudden empty silence caused by Hope's absence.
I guess I'll try to absorb my mind with some mindless tv watching.
That is what I do when my "feel good" drug isn't here.

Are there not any support groups in the area ? If there were it would get both Sarah and yourself out and seeing other people.

or at least an online support group

Originally Posted by HIM_ROCK

Are there not any support groups in the area ? If there were it would get both Sarah and yourself out and seeing other people.

Though Sarah is 36 years old, her mind is like that of a 2 year old...whenever she is in any kind of social setting, she expects everyone to only pay attention and talk to her. She is noisy and difficult to talk over...So, if I were to attend a support group, it would have to be on the BF's days off so he could stay home with her.
Lately, all doctor and therapy appointments are made on the BF's days off so he can help me lift Sarah into and out of the van...and if there aren't appointments to go to, the BF obligates himself to do things for other people without telling me he has plans.

As for an online support group...again, Sarah would know that my attention wasn't focused on her and she would be extra noisy and expecting me to pay attention to her... preventing me to be able to focus on talking with others.

Recently, the BF has been oblivious to how I feel...he is either busy or sleeping or absorbed in a game on his phone. He hasn't been showing me more support than he absolutely has to...never says he is sorry I feel like I do...and doesn't even put an arm around me to comfort me when I finally break down and cry.

I used to be so strong and could roll with the punches...but, since my heart surgery and not having Hope to keep me active, I feel like I am weak and lack the confidence to do things I used to do.
I just had an upper abdomen ultrasound done today...I will be anxious until I get the results from that.
I will eventually get in to see the behavior specialist and be able to, at least, talk about how I feel.
In the meantime, I just keep going through all the motions it takes to make it through each day...and hope that Hope can come for a sleepover soon.
Hugs from Hope always make me feel better.

Internet hugs for all of you.
You're not alone.

Originally Posted by Inzanebraned

Though Sarah is 36 years old, her mind is like that of a 2 year old...whenever she is in any kind of social setting, she expects everyone to only pay attention and talk to her. She is noisy and difficult to talk over...So, if I were to attend a support group, it would have to be on the BF's days off so he could stay home with her.
Lately, all doctor and therapy appointments are made on the BF's days off so he can help me lift Sarah into and out of the van...and if there aren't appointments to go to, the BF obligates himself to do things for other people without telling me he has plans.

As for an online support group...again, Sarah would know that my attention wasn't focused on her and she would be extra noisy and expecting me to pay attention to her... preventing me to be able to focus on talking with others.

Recently, the BF has been oblivious to how I feel...he is either busy or sleeping or absorbed in a game on his phone. He hasn't been showing me more support than he absolutely has to...never says he is sorry I feel like I do...and doesn't even put an arm around me to comfort me when I finally break down and cry.

I used to be so strong and could roll with the punches...but, since my heart surgery and not having Hope to keep me active, I feel like I am weak and lack the confidence to do things I used to do.
I just had an upper abdomen ultrasound done today...I will be anxious until I get the results from that.
I will eventually get in to see the behavior specialist and be able to, at least, talk about how I feel.
In the meantime, I just keep going through all the motions it takes to make it through each day...and hope that Hope can come for a sleepover soon.
Hugs from Hope always make me feel better.

I know over were we've got groups where you can go and there are support workers who play with them or go sit in the light room with them or whatever and you have half an hour or so where you get to talk to other parents in a similar situation.

I was just thinking along the lines of it'll be someone else for Sarah to see, and to give her attention, rather than it being you and her most of the time. As I know restbite isn't really an option for you.

In the meantime I'll find The Mousehole Cat for you and Sarah, something a bit different to daytime T.V.