07-28-2024, 05:25 PM
I am struggling with my own mind and feelings.
Previously Ive had a lot happen to me. I got back into contact with some friends who I havent spoken to in a very long time. (They live abroad so are penpals.)
I started to get feelings for one of them, and we started trying to make a go of things. It was amazing. However circumstances happened and through no fault of his, he has decided that trying to have a romantic relationship isnt achieveable right now, his priorities need to be at home. I 100% agree about this given what has happened (Sorry I cant and wont go into detail).
However,... I am struggling with my feelings. I have been very cautious but have let down a few walls to try and bask in the happiness that this situationship was. It was my happy place, but I feel like because I indulged in what made me happy at an attempt to ignore my stuff temporarily. Its been taken the wrong way and Ive been told Im making rash decisions.
When I would call him, or him me. I would give him 100% of my attention, look forward to future ideas and possible plans. Explain what I would like to do, and what I could do to achieve this. However its been taken in a way that wasnt at all how I intended and now I feel like I cant be 100% myself incase it comes across wrongly. My fantasizing and plan making were an attempt to just enjoy something even if it was just a temporary distraction from my own stuff. I knew that once the video call ended,... Id have to face it again but I could go back and deal with it with a clearer mind.
Now moving forward, I want to visit in November. It wouldnt just be him, there is a whole group of them. Ive known them for such a long time, so it would be fantastic. However I dont know how or what to expect from 'him' incase he feels that this is a rash decision again. I know it all seems very cryptic however, Im not adverse to discussing through DMs if anyone would like to be friends/penpals etc.
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