oh so this tree
i hang from it
its bark does really
smell like shit
my blood does flow
all to the ground
my body sways
without a sound
this pain inside
around my neck
i hug myself
like "what the heck"
so goodbye world
and so long now
i slowly die
without a sound

I think I'm going to just quote what I said in another comment elsewhere.

Rhyming doesn't make it a poem and dark themes don't make it deep.

If you're going for deep, it just reads as too juvenile to make me contemplate anything. The rhyming does nothing for you and rhyming neck with heck? Heck pretty much blows your chances of it being a serious poem. Though, you might not be going for serious, I can't tell.

Next time, try leaving out the rhyming or find a different rhyme pattern with some longer lines for a better poem.

crying in the night
heart is beating slow
mind is losing sane
red blood starts to flow

running fast in fear
gun straight to the head
skin is turning cold
corpse inside your bed

skin rotting from flame
monitor has stopped
murderer on the loose
running from the cops

you say you know hell
"its not bad" you hear
but think again, bitch
you have no idea


-elmo:twisted:

screamolight, since user are only allowed to have one Poetry thread, I've merged your two topics together. :yes:

Just remember to update this thread with all of your new pieces.

i definitely like the second one better than the first. try writing a free-verse poem to see if you like non-rhyming poems. also work on using imagery and metaphor, that would help make it deeper and thus more interesting.