Alternative title: Getting a job with the US Government.


I want to place a guide to getting or rather applying for jobs in the US Gov. This is something I do with great frequency and when I bemoan the process I think of how helpful it would be for others to understand my complaints. It is not like your standard job application, that would only be too easy.


Disclaimer: This is from my personal experience and may not be the same for all US Gov jobs.

Just about ALL US Gov jobs are posted through the USAJobs web board. This makes it really easy to find them all, YAY!!! and once you get everything set up, it makes applications pretty quick to go through as well.

But first you need to make an account. And either upload a resume that won't be scanned and word searched for key-words, or you have to install your entire application in ridiculous detail making sure to include all sorts of words and phrases that might be key-words searched by the computing system. (We'll get to that computing system later)

My profile is 5 pages long and my resume is over 7 pages long. And I used bullet points in my resume. Usually a no-no but appreciated when resumes get to stupid lengths, oh by the way my boss's resume is 13 pages long.


So you think you got everything into your resume now? Remembered everything you ever did in all the jobs you've had that could possibly pertain to the job you want, plus a few jobs that might not but show that you have skills in different things?? NO? Work on it some more! Remember to fill them with key-words and phrases that you will never know if they are right.

Ok. Now that you have a key-word full resume with at least 5 solid references that you remembered to e-mail to let them know that you were using them as a reference. You can start looking for jobs to apply for. Now's a good time to let you know about Agencies and Departments.

Departments are bigger branches of government bodies: like Department of Defense, or Department of the Interior!
Agencies are slightly less big branches of government within Departments: like Naval Intelligence Command or Bureau of Land Management.

These get messy and complicated because they all list their jobs in the same location but most of them use different application and questionnaire sites, which you may have to re-file your profile and resume information again!! :D
Transferring between Departments and Agencies is really really difficult. Because even though the job might be basically the same, it's not! Trust me, it's never the same job, even if it is on paper. There's always something different that they want done a specific way that isn't the other way.

So make sure the job you've found and started to apply to is in the department and agency you want to work for!

So applying to the job itself isn't difficult at all! From what I've seen they want you to take a test and check boxes of things you have or have not done. Usually on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being "I've never done that" to 5 being "I've taught people how to do that, I'm just that awesome".
There's a point total to this application test, but you will never know where the pass/fail line is. Ever.

But there are a few things that give you bonus points that will get you over the pass/fail line easy-peasy! You can be disabled!! Depending on the severity of your disability this can get you an automatic 5-20 points on your secret test score. You can already be employed through the government! This has to be a permanent position though, and that only gets you 5 points. You could be a widow or widower of an armed forces, that gets you 10 points. Remember you will never know where that point line is...

Oh and if you are a veteran from the armed forces, then you automatically pass the mystery test and bump everyone that isn't a vet off the list!

Can't come up with extra points?? Well don't cheat and inflate your answers or you will be disqualified and probably get into a buttload of trouble down the road for falsifying documents.

YAY! The application is complete! Now what?

Now's the fun part... waiting.

That application test score, which you will never know, is what will move your application forward. It determines if you are eligible for the position you applied to. Fingers crossed there weren't any veterans applying for that job you wanted.

Now remember how I said there was a computing system that you needed keywords for? Well that computing system combing through your searchable resume is finding key words that match up with what best fits the job description and requirements. This list is secret and you will never know what is on it. It creates a second score that puts you on a scale of how qualified you are for the job. Again you will never know where you lie on this scale.

No matter the scores of either test you should receive an email that says whether you are eligible and qualified and further recommended.

If you are recommended HURRAH! you made it past the computer!

Now the people, real humans, have your application... somewhere.

They glance through it to see if you make their own list of key-words that you will never know exist, and if you have a misspelling well my dad told me that there was a special folder for those applications; the trash can. If you make it on their shorter list there are many theories of what goes on at this point, I had been told by sources not to be disclosed that those applications are brought to a committee who will do the same thing that the first person did with their own secret list of key-words to make a "short list" of applicants they want to interview.

Now you may NEVER hear anything past the first email the computer gave you. You might get an email from the hiring office to see if you still have interest in the listing. You may never hear past that email either. The third email is usually a request for interview times. Huzzah you made it to the interview. Remember to not be sick during the phone call. Get all your research about the location done. Pile up questions you have regarding both location and job specifications.

An interview is an interview. If you have made it this far you have made it further than 90% of the applicants, I'm sure of it.


There are somethings you need to be aware of that might be thrown into the application process that exclude large amounts of people from applying these include: location preference, current gov. employees only, specific skill sets (caving, boating, swimming, etc), language preference. These are usually included in what I like to call Pass/Fail questions in the application test. If you answer "Yes I can do the thing" then you pass and your application continues to the grading stage. If you answer "No I really can't do the thing" then you fail and your application gets instantly disqualified.

Last thing, the pay grades = skills and education required. Most low pay grades require basic skills and education, as you go up in scale it's usually required that you have worked prior pay grades in the same position, or have a combination of work and extra education. Don't apply too far above your grade or you will instantly fail the requirements and qualification.

ADDENDUM 2016

So there's a new deal floating around. Previously, if you had managed to get through ALL of THAT and got the job, chances were you tried to do the job as best as you effing could because of how damn hard it was to get it in the first place. Sure it was only a 1038 job so you could only be promised 6-months of work, but it was a damn job that you were excited to get and you didn't want to fuck that up. Besides, getting another job usually relies on good reviews and high ratings. The thing was, you did a damn good job, your end of season performance rating was off the charts! or at least good enough that they invited you back for the same job the next year. ALL FINE AND DANDY! You did a bang-up job and got a job on lock down in the future.

Except they just changed that. There is no more "rehire" option for your 1038 jobs. You have to go though that whole application process all over again. And remember so does every veteran too, and they're much more likely to get the job offered to them and bump you off the list all together.

But buck up! Just because a job for a single opening gets a couple hundred applications, there is a chance that you might shine through. Or you might just build up enough dumb luck that you were fourth on the list after two veterans turned down the job and another applicant got a different job.

Ummm, isn't being born without a soul a requirement for having a job with the federal government?

Not a requirement but it sure does help!! Besides if you somehow manage to retain your soul after the whole hiring process then you probably are a stronger person than most.

Originally Posted by ~LONGCAT~

Not a requirement but it sure does help!! Besides if you somehow manage to retain your soul after the whole hiring process then you probably are a stronger person than most.

Heeeeyyy. You finally noticed my comment. Albeit four months later.

I feel for you, Longie.
a friend is jumping hoops right now.
Most of the jobs in his career field he
no longer qualifies for since his security
clearance has lapsed while waiting for a job...