http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part3)


Despite the futility of the whole episode, my fondest memories of college
are times like these, where things were done out of some inexplicable
inner imperative, rather than because the work was demanded. Clearly, I
never spent as much time or work on any authorized art project, or any
poli sci paper, as I spent on this one act of vandalism.

It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for
ourselves. And with all due respect to John Stuart Mill, maybe
utilitarianism is overrated. If I've learned one thing from being a
cartoonist, it's how important playing is to creativity and happiness. My
job is essentially to come up with 365 ideas a year. If you ever want to
find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the
quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I've
found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is
to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I've had to
cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.

We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more
than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of
relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and
let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought
process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery-it recharges
by running. You may be surprised to find how quickly daily routine and
the demands of "just getting by: absorb your waking hours. You may be
surprised to find how quickly you start to see your politics and religion
become matters of habit rather than thought and inquiry. You may be
surprised to find how quickly you start to see your life in terms of other
people's expectations rather than issues. You may be surprised to find out
how quickly reading a good book sounds like a luxury

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part4)

At school, new ideas are thrust at you every day. Out in the world, you'll
have to find the inner motivation to search for new ideas on your own.
With any luck at all, you'll never need to take an idea and squeeze a
punchline out of it, but as bright, creative people, you'll be called upon
to generate ideas and solutions all your lives. Letting your mind play is
the best way to solve problems. For me, it's been liberating to put
myself in the mind of a fictitious six year-old each day, and rediscover
my own curiosity. I've been amazed at how one ideas leads to others if I
allow my mind to play and wander. I know a lot about dinosaurs now, and
the information has helped me out of quite a few deadlines. A playful
mind is inquisitive, and learning is fun. If you indulge your natural
curiosity and retain a sense of fun in new experience, I think you'll find
it functions as a sort of shock absorber for the bumpy road ahead.

So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond
that, I don't recommend it.

I don't look back on my first few years out of school with much affection,
and if I could have talked to you six months ago, I'd have encouraged you
all to flunk some classes and postpone this moment as long as possible.
But now it's too late. Unfortunately, that was all the advice I really
had. When I was sitting where you are, I was one of the lucky few who had
a cushy job waiting for me. I'd drawn political cartoons for the Collegian
for four years, and the Cincinnati Post had hired me as an editorial
cartoonist. All my friends were either dreading the infamous first year of
law school, or despondent about their chances of convincing anyone that a
history degree had any real application outside of academia.

Boy, was I smug.

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part5)

As it turned out, my editor instantly regretted his decision to hire me.
By the end of the summer, I'd been given notice; by the beginning of
winter, I was in an unemployment line; and by the end of my first year
away from Kenyon, I was broke and living with my parents again. You can
imagine how upset my dad was when he learned that Kenyon doesn't give
refunds. Watching my career explode on the lauchpad caused some soul
searching. I eventually admitted that I didn't have what it takes to be a
good political cartoonist, that is, an interest in politics, and I
returned to my firs love, comic strips. For years I got nothing but
rejection letters, and I was forced to accept a real job.

A REAL job is a job you hate. I designed car ads and grocery ads in the
windowless basement of a convenience store, and I hated every single
minute of the 4-1/2 million minutes I worked there. My fellow prisoners at
work were basically concerned about how to punch the time clock at the
perfect second where they would earn another 20 cents without doing any
work for it. It was incredible: after every break, the entire staff would
stand around in the garage where the time clock was, and wait for that
last click. And after my used car needed the head gasket replaced twice, I
waited in the garage too.

It's funny how at Kenyon, you take for granted that the people around you
think about more than the last episode of Dynasty. I guess that's what it
means to be in an ivory tower.

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part6)

Anyway, after a few months at this job, I was starved for some life of the
mind that, during my lunch break, I used to read those poli sci books that
I'd somehow never quite finished when I was here. Some of those books were
actually kind of interesting. It was a rude shock to see just how empty
and robotic life can be when you don't care about what you're doing, and
the only reason you're there is to pay the bills. Thoreau said,

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

That's one of those dumb cocktail quotations that will strike fear in your
heart as you get older. Actually, I was leading a life of loud
desperation.

When it seemed I would be writing about "Midnite Madness Sale-abrations"
for the rest of my life, a friend used to console me that cream always
rises to the top. I used to think, so do people who throw themselves into
the sea.

I tell you all this because it's worth recognizing that there is no such
thing as an overnight success. You will do well to cultivate the resources
in yourself that bring you happiness outside of success or failure. The
truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that
time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all
along. It's a good idea to try to enjoy the scenery on the detours,
because you'll probably take a few.

I still haven't drawn the strip as long as it took me to get the job. To
endure five years of rejection to get a job requires either a faith in
oneself that borders on delusion, or a love of the work. I loved the work.
Drawing comic strips for five years without pay drove home the point that
the fun of cartooning wasn't in the money; it was in the work. This turned
out to be an important realization when my break finally came.

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part7)

Like many people, I found that what I was chasing wasn't what I caught.
I've wanted to be a cartoonist since I was old enough to read cartoons,
and I never really thought about cartoons as being a business. It never
occurred to me that a comic strip I created would be at the mercy of a
bloodsucking corporate parasite called a syndicate, and that I'd be faced
with countless ethical decisions masquerading as simple business
decisions. To make a business decision, you don't need much philosophy;
all you need is greed, and maybe a little knowledge of how the game works.

As my comic strip became popular, the pressure to capitalize on that
popularity increased to the point where I was spending almost as much time
screaming at executives as drawing. Cartoon merchandising is a $12 billion
dollar a year industry and the syndicate understandably wanted a piece of
that pie. But the more I though about what they wanted to do with my
creation, the more inconsistent it seemed with the reasons I draw
cartoons. Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out,
and you're really buying into someone else's system of values, rules and
rewards. The so-called "opportunity" I faced would have meant giving up
my individual voice for that of a money-grubbing corporation. It would
have meant my purpose in writing was to sell things, not say things. My
pride in craft would be sacrificed to the efficiency of mass production
and the work of assistants. Authorship would become committee decision.
Creativity would become work for pay. Art would turn into commerce. In
short, money was supposed to supply all the meaning I'd need. What the
syndicate wanted to do, in other words, was turn my comic strip into
everything calculated, empty and robotic that I hated about my old job.
They would turn my characters into television hucksters and T-shirt
sloganeers and deprive me of characters that actually expressed my own
thoughts.

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part8)

On those terms, I found the offer easy to refuse. Unfortunately, the
syndicate also found my refusal easy to refuse, and we've been fighting
for over three years now. Such is American business, I guess, where the
desire for obscene profit mutes any discussion of conscience.

You will find your own ethical dilemmas in all parts of your lives, both
personal and professional. We all have different desires and needs, but if
we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we
will live passively and unfulfilled. Sooner or later, we are all asked to
compromise ourselves and the things we care about. We define ourselves by
our actions. With each decision, we tell ourselves and the world who we
are. Think about what you want out of this life, and recognize that there
are many kinds of success. Many of you will be going on to law school,
business school, medical school, or other graduate work, and you can
expect the kind of starting salary that, with luck, will allow you to pay
off your own tuition debts within your own lifetime.

But having an enviable career is one thing, and being a happy person is
another.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a
rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and
excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually
considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood
if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone
who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue
other interests and activities is considered a flake.

http://home3.inet.tele.dk/stadil/spe_kc.htm

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED (part9)

A person who
abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered
not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the
sole measure of human worth. You'll be told in a hundred ways, some
subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where
you are, who you are, and what you're doing. There are a million ways to
sell yourself out, and I guarantee you'll hear about them.

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and
I think you'll be happier for the trouble. Reading those turgid
philosophers here in these remote stone buildings may not get you a job,
but if those books have forced you to ask yourself questions about what
makes life truthful, purposeful, meaningful, and redeeming, you have the
Swiss Army Knife of mental tools, and it's going to come in handy all the
time.

I think you'll find that Kenyon touched a deep part of you. These have
been formative years. Chances are, at least of your roommates has taught
you everything ugly about human nature you ever wanted to know. With
luck, you've also had a class that transmitted a spark of insight or
interest you'd never had before. Cultivate that interest, and you may find
a deeper meaning in your life that feeds your soul and spirit. Your
preparation for the real world is not in the answers you've learned, but
in the questions you've learned how to ask yourself. Graduating from
Kenyon, I suspect you'll find yourselves quite well prepared indeed.

I wish you all fulfillment and happiness. Congratulations on your
achievement.

Bill Watterson

http://mrmom.amaonline.com/special/whoiam.htm

Who You Are Makes A Difference...

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high
school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a process
developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student
to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the
student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of
them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am
Makes a Difference."
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see
what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of
the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread
this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the
results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about
a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a
nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career
planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave
him two extra ribbons, and said, "We're doing a class project on
recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them
a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge
a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please
report back to me and tell me what happened."

http://mrmom.amaonline.com/special/whoiam.htm

Who You Are Makes A Difference...(part2)

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had
been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss
down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would
accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put
it on him. His surprsied boss said, "Well, sure."
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it
right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra
ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? would you take this extra ribbon
and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me
the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this
recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat
him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I
was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he
admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius.
Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue
ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart.
He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As
I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would
honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you

http://mrmom.amaonline.com/special/whoiam.htm

Who You Are Makes A Difference...(part3)

"My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay
a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good
enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but
somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that
you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the
most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!"
The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't
stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said
through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow,
Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't need to."

http://www.cyberslayer.co.uk/jokes/joke0230.html

Quitters Never Win (a week in the life of a smoker, like me)

DAY 1: Wake up and put on a nicotine patch to once and for all quit
pack-a-day habit. Write list of reasons: Live 15 years longer, have
healthy children, be socially acceptable. Tear up list and make better
one: Look younger, have fewer wrinkles, get more dates, spite enemies.
Decide to go out and buy carrots, celery, gum, orange juice, fruit,
sugar-free lollipops and rice cakes. Eat it all by 11 a.m., desperately
craving cigarette. Try to work. Instead take all-day nap. Have a drink
later with old boyfriend Peter, who says, "Kissing a smoker is like
licking a dirty ashtray," then drinks seven beers and a Cognac and comes
on to me. Actually consider it, but can't face sex without a cigarette
later. At 2 a.m., go out and purchase three packages of fat-free
Entenmann's brownies.

DAY 2: Wake up sick from brownies and cold caught by walking 14 blocks to
get them at 2 a.m. Put on patch. Buy Sudafed. Take two. Feel better.
Feel delirious. Take a nap. Try to work, but can't concentrate on
anything but wanting to smoke. One hour on exercise bike: Oprah's
"Mothers Who Want Their Kids Taken Away" puts problem into perspective.
Read that schizophrenics and manic-depressives in mental hospitals commit
suicide when their cigarettes are taken away. Decide never to have
children. Ask brother the doctor for 65 more patches. Take another
Sudafed. Is there a Sudafed group in the city?

http://www.cyberslayer.co.uk/jokes/joke0230.html

Quitters Never Win (a week in the life of a smoker, like me: part2)

DAY 3: Put on patch. Have breakfast with friend Vern who says that after
he quit smoking, his concentration didn't come back for two years. Scan
obits for people who died of lung cancer and feel happy when they're in
their 50's. Take a nap, dream I'm smoking and feel sad that I went off
the wagon. Wake up and find I'm not, but want to be. Take 100 deep
breaths. Breathing is overrated. Take a walk and count how many stores
on the blocks sell cigarettes. Get more patches in mail from brother,
along with pictures of cancerous tumors. Try to work. See a movie with
Peter in which all actors smoke. Eat two buckets of popcorn. Peter says:
"My cousin Jane quit in three days on Nicorettes. Try Nicorettes," though
I told him I tried them and threw up, then went out and smoked two packs
to get the taste out of my mouth. Don't invite him in. Read that
nicotine's harder to quit than heroine. Take another Sudafed.

DAY 4: Pu on patch. Think of smoking. Brother calls to say don't even
think of smoking with patch on, someone's fingers fell off. Lunch with
Andrea, who coughed every time I took out a cigarette for 15 years but now
says,"I can't hang out with you when you're like this, you're too
intense." Bump into old colleague Dave, who quit smoking and gained 29
pounds in four months but thinks it was the smart choice. Consider
heroin. Try to work but realize it's impossible to be a freelance writer,
a nonsmoker and thin in the same year. Sudafed losing its bite, check
intro Comtrex. Negotiate self-destructive behaviors: decide that taking
sleeping pill, smoking a joint, getting drunk or having sex with Peter one
more time is better than a Marlboro or Oreos, though not if done on the
same night.

http://www.cyberslayer.co.uk/jokes/joke0230.html

Quitters Never Win (a week in the life of a smoker, like me: part3)

DAY 5: Put on patch. Feel depressed and edgy, sweating. Hand shaking
while reading the newspaper, where tobacco company executives say nicotine
isn't addictive. Buy a pacifier, pretending it's a cool rap toy,
wondering why anyone expects morality from the people who plastered
penis-faced camels all over the country. Think of 10 70-year-old smokers
still alive. Dinner with novelist friend Kathy, who chain-smokes in my
face while saying she thinks it's great that I'm quitting. On way home,
try to buy a 25-cent loosie (loose cigarette) at local bodega but guy
thinks I'm cigarette police. Take it as an omen. Try to think of one
famous writer to doesn't drink or smoke.

DAY 6: Put patch on. Walk around city chewing. Do high-impact aerobics
for three hours. Walk out of health club wanting cigarette. Stare at
people smoking and wonder why they look so beautiful and happy. Think of
money I'm saving from not smoking. Spend $46 on seven boxes of fat-free
cookies, 27 cinnamon sticks and three Lean Cuisines. Snap rubber band
around wrist 100 times. My father, an oncologist, says, "You'll never do
it," forgetting that when he quit his 35-year three-pack-a-day habit he
gained 35 pounds and smoked a six-inch cigar every night. Decide neurosis
is genetic. On stationary bike watch "Saturday Night Live," which quotes
tobacco execs saying that the 400,000 annual smoking- related deaths
aren't really dead. Neighbor complains bike makes too much noise. Do
serenity exercises. Picture sitting on a tropical beach, where I'm
happily smoking.

http://www.cyberslayer.co.uk/jokes/joke0230.html

Quitters Never Win (a week in the life of a smoker, like me: part4)

DAY 7: Put on patch. Have brunch with Peter, who says, while drinking
six margaritas, that I've gained weight and need to learn more
self-control. Make note to quit Peter. Read article about Bosnia,
noticing only that soldier in picture is smoking. Eat more celery, fruit,
salad. Polish off Oreos. Feel sick and bloated, dying for cigarette.
Take off patch. Run outside. Bum cigarette from homeless person, who
lights it. Puff slowly. Feel happy for the first time in six days. Stop
coughing, calm down. Finish two articles. Go back outside, offer same
guy $2 for two more cigarettes. Smoke them quickly. Feel nauseated,
dizzy. Bump into Vern and Andrea, who say: "We were just coming by to say
how proud we are that you haven't smoked in a week! Congratulations!"
Feel guilty, defeated. Drink bottle of wine by myself. Fall asleep on
couch with clothes on.

DAY 1: Wake up and put on nicotine patch to once and for all.

http://www.cyberslayer.co.uk/jokes/joke0426.html

A whale of a joke

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the
ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, the male says,
"Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow
out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out,
capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't
it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all
the sailors!"

To which the female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the
blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

The Wish

An auto dealer, facing bankruptcy, was walking along a beach when
he kicked a bottle and out popped a genie.
"Thanks for setting me free, " said the genie. "To show my
appreciation, I'll grant you one wish."
"Okay," said the auto dealer, "I want to be the only foreign car
dealer in a major metropolitan market."
"Done!" cried the genie.
Immediately, the dealer found himself in a glass-walled office
looking out over a major city. "Quick," he said to his secretary,
"tell me who I am."
"You're the only Cadillac dealer in downtown Tokyo," said the
secretary.

A Woman's Little Instruction Book

1. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself
variety.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten
sick of him.
3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of
marriage.
4. Always take disappointments like a man -- blame them on a woman.
5. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things, too.
6. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband
to do.
7. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.
8. Men are like buses -- they never appear when you want them to and when
they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.
9. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
10. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is
unquestionably gay.
11. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the
neck. Just divorce him.
12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
13. Husbands are like kids -- they're okay as long as they're someone
else's.
14. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
15. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is
pure insanity.
16. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the
night".
17. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the shower to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually
find that he already is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men -- a woman.
20. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
21. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive, and potentially violent --
but they make great pets.
22. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
23. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't"
and "stop" -- unless, of course, they're said together.
24. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun
with the wrong ones.
25. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?
(To the meter of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe...)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light -
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no - my database," I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But, as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell.
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES
And, yes, they all really exist...

10. dam.mit.edu
9. monarch.butterfly.net
8. gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au
7. drag.net
6. my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
5. tragically.hip.berkeley.edu
4. dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu
3. ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu
2. huh_huh.fire.com
1. vo.mit.edu

absurd warning labels

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Honorable Mentions

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Honorable Mentions: cntd

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking
at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRAD STUDENT

6:30 Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner,
means no eating out for the next 6 weeks.
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you
didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early
brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived
arrived earlier today and must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much
work to do today.
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related
to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
Feel good about him not grasping English well.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRAD STUDENT (part2)

9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 Edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need
& and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time.
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you
are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minutes until all
the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can
type more than 256 characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation.
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs: 12:20 BigMac/Fries time.
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk.
Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor.
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness resentment towards
foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor.
Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more
work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections.
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities
and the rest of your life.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GRAD STUDENT (part3)

1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your
advisor
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do
that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams. Close office door and open a
few .gif files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter--NOT!
No time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank, see if you have
any money. Fear of losing aid next Fall. Read latex manuals
manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonite.
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs.
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom.
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00 Come into the office
9:01 The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the
office late at night to "get the work done."
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to
attack those ftp sites since network won't be loaded. Run into
"since network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into
your machine. Compress all the unwanted research/class
directories to make space. Back up all your pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references.
Realize its too late today to go to the library.
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night, decide to
turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning. Decide
to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get
on the scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number
6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place.
A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!!
Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman
reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student
day you had." Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09am Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others.
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci
joke) Argue with him about politics, why people prefer
Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to
"hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today.
Get reminded of the "too much milk problem."
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and
go to sleep.

academic ranks explained

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.

weird accident reports

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the
accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.