03-05-2010, 02:12 AM
I'm submitting this piece for a contest in my province and if I win I'll be winning quite a bit of money, so I'd like some feedback on this short piece if you would please...
I really only think the ending needs editing though.
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Where had it come from, he wondered. Above him lights flashed. Explosions so loud they shook the ground, coming one after another. Each shudder made the dirt under him quiver, sending vibrations running through his wrecked body. Where had all this hatred spawned? When had it consumed them to this level?
He was laying face-up to the sky. The black sky where no stars winked and no moon shone. Seeing such darkness made his heart heavier than before. How could they possibly win this dreadful war when even the gods clouded their window to Earth, unable to watch such a horrifying display of bloodshed between demons?
From his left he heard the crunching of gravel. Fast footsteps running. A face peered down at him through his blurred vision. Fluffy blonde hair, pupil-less yellow eyes. It was Kass, his General. The woman he had worked with since his recruitment.
“Whitter! Whitter!” Kass repeated his name over and over again, shaking him. He could see the panic on her blood and dirt streaked face. Seeing a friend die was one of the worst things anyone imagined. Even he, a demon built for battle, was too weak to go on.
“General,” he croaked weakly. His tongue was dry, his throat clenching. It hurt to speak but he had to tell her. “I’m... sorry.”
“Idiot, don’t be!” Kass snarled. She touched his chest where the biggest wound was gushing out blood. “Blame those pathetic rebels for starting this war! Had they just kept their mouths shut we demons would never be fighting each other like this!”
He smiled through the pain. “At least... the humans are safe...”
Kass’ foggy eyes swung to his face, worried, scared. “Sean?”
“Just... tell me...” He blinked and tears he failed to notice building in his eyes slid down his cheeks. “Did I... serve you well..?”
Kass swallowed hard. “Th-the best.”
“Good...” Staring up into the sky, he saw the clouds part just enough for the stars to peek through. “The night... it’s so beautiful...” He breathed in and his eyelids fluttered shut. As the darkness took him, he felt free.
Last edited by Sebbling; 03-05-2010 at 02:42 AM..
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