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Razak
Happy little trees

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#1
Old 05-23-2015, 03:51 AM

-eventual awesome banner I will draw eventually-

Yes yes, I should have done this a long time ago. Oops. School got in the way and what not. I will be posting at least one good thing a day here, such as my ongoing battle with depression and life post college.

Feel free to chat below! <3

---------- Post added 05-23-2015 at 04:53 AM ----------



Look, that's me! I graduated college with my degree in Fine Art and a concentration in drawing! Can you see the fear in my eyes? I have no idea what to do with my life.

Razak
Happy little trees

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#2
Old 06-05-2015, 03:27 AM

So it's been 11 days or so, my mistake! Didn't mean for these things to take so much time, but then again it's been a lot of me trying to figure things out.

My therapist says to take time off from working on my future, so I've been trying to do that. It's hard, since I know she also wants me to move out within the year. I'm trying my best, though! I can't believe the progress I've made!

I went to a bar! A real bar with people and drinks and sports. My social anxiety kicked up, but I made it through and even ordered my own drink and stuff. That was yesterday, but at least today I wasn't broken up about it. I do feel silly for trying to talk to the bar tender, but ultimately I'm fine. She was cute, sue me.

A year ago I couldn't walk into a restaurant that was busy, let alone drink in public. I'm really happy, and I can't believe I've done this. I can safely say I'm getting better slowly, and this is just more proof.

Razak
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#3
Old 06-26-2015, 05:02 AM

So let me lay it out for you guys. I have a crush on the barista from my Starbucks. Her name is Miranda, and I thought she had left until today when I went in and there she was, pumping syrup with the best of them. But she makes me very nervous and no matter how much I want to look at her and tell her I want to take her to the movies and stuff, I freeze up.

How do you talk to romantic interests? Especially ones who's job it is to be nice and make you sugary drinks and stuff? Because I cannot ask her out for coffee since she's working in a coffee shop? And then it's just awkward.

BUT GOD SHE'S CUTE. She's chubby like me and she shaved her hair and I want to tell her she's pretty and stuff, and even if she doesn't identify as female or something I can roll with that. I'm good, I'm pansexual and I can do whatever, man. But I get so nervous I stammer and stare and I bet she thinks I'm so weird and kinda a loser who buys coffee way too much for too much money.

I should rope her in with my employee discount. Like, "Hello, I see you have a plus size body. I work in a store that clothes those. Please come date me for a time and I will buy you a sandwich and maybe let you use my discount? Also, we can hold hands if you want."

But NOOOO, if I say that in real like I'd be 'weird'. It's been nearly 5 years since my last relationship, and I really just want to hang out with someone special. Like, the last couple I was with was mean and made fun of me and I deserve something nice! I deserve to go out and flirt and stuff, I just start feeling like everyone's looking at me when I do.

In recovery news, I've switched my medication time to the morning rather than the night. This means I forget my medication all the time, and I have just realized I didn't take it today. Oops. I feel better, but still don't sleep at night. I wonder if it's the medication, or my garbage cat who wakes me up all the time. Most likely both.

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#4
Old 10-13-2015, 05:12 PM

It's been four months since I last posted here, and what a shame that is! So much has happened, and it's just so much to talk about! I'm going to try, though, because I want to remember all of this!

At the end of July my fake brother Caleb and I decided we wanted to go to the beach. The only problem was we didn't have any money for a hotel, and we did NOT want to only stay for a couple hours. We ended up leaving around 2 or 3 and getting there around 4 or 5. We hung out on the beach, went to the aquarium and stuff. We got to see Mako sharks and penguins, and I got to see seals!!! We drove back at like 12 or 2 am, and parked in a rest stop and slept there. We did have a fight, which he and I barely remember. Sometimes it bothers me that we can't go things without something going wrong, but when I look at how we were both raised it makes sense. We made it back home and passed out for the whole next day!

In August Caleb and I went camping for a week, an excellent get away from the rest of the house. I grew up in a pretty abusive household, which is part of the reason I struggle with so many things emotionally. Unfortunately Caleb and I can't get out of our current situation so easily, so every little bit helps. It was fun, even if it did rain some of the days! We even drove off the camping site that we normally wouldn't to go swimming, and even without bathingsuits it was fun. I love camping, and I really feel like it's turning into a yearly thing. I can't wait for next year!

Also in August I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I am going to go in for surgery in January for my weight. I have thought a lot about this, considering I am pretty happy with how I look and feel in my body. It has taken me years to get where I am in terms of loving myself and having self confidence, but it's still something i need to address.
I know i could be 350 lbs and be happy and healthy. Unfortunately I am not, and I need to address that. So I am having the gastric sleeve surgery done.

Currently I have to go for more testing, a gallbladder ultrasound and some fancy radioactive drink stuff. Next month I have to get a tube put down my throat so they can take pictures of my stomach. I've never done this much prep for a surgery before. I'm scared, but excited.

Caleb is really supportive with it, and I'm looking at it as the final step before we move out. I have gained my weight all my life, and by undergoing this surgery I am preforming the ultimate self care. I can move forward and love myself even more, and take care of myself all over again. I can relearn my body, and appreciate it.

Razak
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#5
Old 10-17-2015, 03:35 PM

Today is Caleb's birthday! I can't believe it came so fast, I feel like just the other day he was turning 23 and we were celebrating. Today he's working until 2:30 or 3:00, so I have the morning to myself which is nice! Spending 24/7 with your best friend can be kind of overwhelming!

Last night when I got off work I took him out to a diner close to our house for food and drinks, which I think he really liked. I feel really bad that he has to work today and that we didn't really get to spend a ton of time together. I think he feels bad that I took off work and he still went. But I understand, because he's gotta make money. He has more bills than I do.

Tonight we're supposed to go to Ruby Tuesdays, which will be interesting. His mom and I had a disagreement the other day because I stood up for him, so she isn't very happy with me right now. I honestly feel like I'm there for him and no her, so it doesn't really matter! I can't wait to go!

Tomorrow is the going away dinner for my boss! So much for only eating 800 calories in a day like my doctor wanted! Nancy (my boss) is moving down to North Carolina from New Jersey to start a new job and live closer to her boyfriend. I'm excited for her, even if I really hate the idea of working for someone new. I've been there the longest, so it'll be my fourth boss in that place!

On the job front I've sent out four or five applications and resumes a day. So far no calls, other than a temp agency that wanted me to pay them to place me in a temp job. Um, no thank you. There's a thing called the internet, it can tell me that it's a scam. Nice try, man. I'm planning on asking my father if there are any openings in his office.

I've worked in his office before, over the summer when I was still in school. I really liked the people there, and if I could get a job there then Caleb and I could move out faster! I'm willing to overlook the fact I'd work with my father. Especially if I moved out. That wouldn't be so bad, there's only so much abusive things he can do in a public place. He's a totally different person at work.

Surgery front is still very much the same! I'll be buying myself small containers soon, and washing them so they're ready to go. I've considered changing surgeons, but that's me being impatient.

 


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