These are 2 poems I just wrote. Please critique them, let me know what you think.


Cry Baby, Cry

The children of the darkness,
I really wondered why,
They held me all the night,
And told me not to cry.

The children of the darkness,
Said I couldn't die,
They brought me priceless gifts,
And told me not to cry.

The children of the darkness,
Asked why I was shy,
Said I was too brave to fear,
And told me not to cry.

The children of the darkness,
Taught me how to fly,
Said I was the most perfect in the world,
And told me not to cry.

The children of the darkness,
Swore they'd never lie,
They told me stories of the afterlife,
And told me not to cry.

The children of the darkness,
shredded and ripped the sky,
And as they dragged me down to hell,
They told me not to cry.




Judgement

Alas a fine May like
A pompous flower,
Blooming in the distance, sour,
Spoiled rotten, doomed,
If I may say, lay away soon.

Alas a fine May like
A clumsy swan,
Gift of beauty, ruined bond,
Desolate creature, clearly vain,
Chastity, belt and chain!

Alas a fine May like
A faded rainbow,
reap the disfigured seeds she sowed,
Giver of disease and waste,
Bad luck flowing, permanent paste.

Alas a fine May like
Anything seen before,
Common, diluted, black to the core,
A danger, dresser of the demons,
That she herself cannot summon.

Alas a fine May like
A dominated wilderness,
Nothing more, glorified governess,
Lack of wisdom, lacking still,
Beauty of men's cups to fill.

Interesting ideas hidden behind platitudes, cliches and odd/old language. What's the story in these? Weigh them down in some sort of reality. Who are the "children of darkness"? Why do we care what they do or do not do to the speaker?

I really hate all rhymed poetry. But I'm incredibly biased (getting my master's degree in poetry). Anyway I used to write rhyming poetry in high school. It just doesn't fit with the times; it doesn't fit with what you're trying to say. Perhaps it works best with the first poem, because there's that whole child-like theme to it, so a nursery-rhyme sounding poem makes the poem darker and more ominous--a definite plus. But the repetition has to go.

For the first poem...I really want to know the story. There are mystical and religious elements in the narrative that I pick up on, but what IS the narrative, the story? You need a component that is grounded in reality before you can "drag us down to hell".

The second poem is just...strange. Why the "alas", etc? Such odd language. I like what you're attempting to do with the flower, swan, rainbow--casting off the beautiful images for the images of waste...but I thought the poem was about the world, how the world has gone sour, corroded. But the last stanza throws me off. I would, in fact, cut that last stanza. Just a suggestion, in the stanza with the rainbow, try mentioning the rainbow one sees in oil spills...it's disgusting/sad enough to use. Just a thought though, your poem. If in doubt, always, always, ALWAYS use images over abstractions!

If this were my poem...

(btw, this is just for fun, and not meant to insult, it gives me great practice and hopefully you can see if there's anything you might want to implement in your poem. I made my own meaning for the poem. If you have a different meaning, make it clearer, like add a stanza earlier on that says somehow this will come back to the "I" persona and the "they" doing the looking.)

May is like a flower,
it blooms in the distance,
beautiful, up close, sour
spoiled rotten, wilted
starving for her water.

May, like the swan,
is beauty ruined, miserly
vain creature, chained
by her chastity belt,
bolted, locked, no key.

A fine May is a rainbow,
an ugly oil pooling
beneath our feet,
bad luck and fool's gold
the only treasure.

A fine day in May
is anything seen before,
common, diluted, corroded,
a history repeating
every 5th month of the year,

but darling, no one
is telling you to leave.
May, an open door, invites
us to her open pastures.
Let's sow the seed,
something to hope for.

Good luck editing and writing, et cetera! :)

I was thinking myself as well to cut the last stanza out and try a different ending.

There are some other little edits I wanted to do to that poem as well.

The main story of the Judgement poem was not so much something in particular but a general incorrect assessment of what was originally beautiful, amazing, or great. The older language was partially for effect, and partially because that's the way I think and I thought it would add a realization that this isn't a new concept.

Cry Baby, Cry does have a religious overtone because the "children of the darkness" could be equated with demons. However you have to dig a little deeper to get to the real meaning of the poem. I'm not going to give it away though because the whole point of them is interpretation.

I love the idea of the older language being used for effect--that being, that the concept isn't "new." I always tend to think that most writing with old language is used to be either humorous or dark--you're definitely treading on the darker side, methinks! I would suggest for you to keep plugging away at it though. (However if it's a new poem, might want to put it away for a while, you know? Have a fresh mind later.) If you're mimicking the older language, why not keep an even beat of iambic pentameter? Doesn't have to be pentameter, as this looks a bit shorter, and not even in iambs, though that might be easiest. You've already got a great form of keeping the stanzas an equal amount of lines and rhyming them (though check out the rhymes too--I'd go for an ABABA or something like that, rather than ABBCC, which is hardly seen in older poetry. Maybe check out the villanelle? It works quite well for dark, obsessive thoughts! Actually, "Cry Baby Cry" would make an EXCELLENT villanelle, you already have two repeating phrases. You could tweak the villanelle for your own use. It also speaks to kind of biblical imagery (of course, if one were to take it literally--but you are probably using the "children of darkness" and "hell" etc as metaphors). In a way it reminds me of the angels and Lucifer's revolt against God...not too sure why, because it doesn't specifically alude to that at all...just the children of darkness (satan spawn, in my mind) and hell...but like you said, it's all about interpretation! The only thing to think about now is if you WANT the broadness of interpretation, or if you would prefer to direct the reader to a specific conclusion or thought (without "giving it away," of course!!)

Good luck, great promise with these-- :)