Is it wrong that I have given up trying to understand my mother? She has gotten worse recently, and as a joke I might say age, but I think there is something deeper. Whenever I ask her anything about her health as a kind gesture, she snaps at me and asks me why I don't do it more often, when in fact I do, and she brushes it off. She has also been getting moodier; she has recently yelled at me for wearing my socks mismatched, which I didn't understand because I've done that for a long time and she has a problem with it now? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense of me She has also been trying to get more 'religious' and urging people to convert, which is a really touchy topic that not many people like to talk about on a regular basis. We have a whole large box of Qur'ans down in our basement that she hands out to people that she thinks would be 'great for spreading the message'. Maybe the message that she is crazy, yes

Before anyone starts replying that it's a spur-of-the-moment thing, I just want to let you know that this has been going on for years. I just started opening my eyes to how dysfunctional my family is when I invited friends over recently. While I was talking to them, my mom would ask them questions about religion and spirituality that they were clearly uncomfortable about. I took her aside and told her as gently as I could that she was making my friends uncomfortable with her talk and she started humiliating me, in front of my friends, how 'unreligious' I was and that 'Satan' has gotten to my head and I should get exorcized. IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS. Now I just go outside to the mall or something to hang out to avoid that kind of drama in my house. Quite honestly, I love my religion; it's something that I really love and cherish, it's a way of life for me. But forcing that on other people and putting down others in the process is not the way to go.

My siblings I can't blame too much, they are just is susceptible to her mood swings as I am. But time and time again, my younger sister keeps covering up her swings as her 'getting old' and I keep on telling her that there is something deeper that is bugging her. My sister is also just as hard-headed and stubborn as my mom, she doesn't budge on any of her decision and always wants to get the last word in an argument, even if it is completely irrelevant.

Has anyone heard of narcissistic parenting before? For some odd reason, I keep thinking that my mother is narcissistic. She often tells us bluntly that we crushed all her expectations of us and that she wished that her kids had an above average IQ. She even tells us that we are useless to her and that she would get better benefit for herself if she adopted a bunch of kids and raised them after we leave the house (which she speaks, no, yells about often). If we don't do something that she likes, she becomes angry and gives us the silent treatment, especially me because I seem to be the rebellious child I took some art classes on my schedule without telling my mom (because that is what ends up happening anyways) and she became really angry that I didn't 'consult her first' and I was 'sneaking around' behind her back. This was during a meeting with the counselor about my schedule. The thing is though, I DID tell her. She just wasn't listening, because apparently, my happiness isn't good enough for her.

I just can't wait until I leave the house. Any ideas as to dealing with this? Anything would be appreciated. I am seriously exhausted of this and I just wish it would stop

My mother is very, very narcissistic! I know that problem all too well! I lived with her for 2 years until half a year ago when I moved back in with my dad (he had single parented me for my whole life prior to those 2 years, him and my mother were never together for many years because he couldn't handle the narcissism either). She's been diagnosed with bipolar in the past, it's calmed down a bit over the last year but I remember what she WAS like when she'd had it bad. I've also heard from my grandmother that the person who diagnosed her with the bipolar had mentioned her narcissism at the time as well.

My mum is more subtle and manipulative with her narcissism. She's a smart lady, and it's a big shame she's got these problems. I imagine she'd have been a fantastic mother if she didn't. But whilst living with her I noticed how she's treated family, friends, and I've noticed how well she manipulates and uses every single one of them. When she makes a new friend, she will exert all of her energy to go see that person, give them things, make herself out to be a fantastic friend herself. I think she does that as it makes her feel good about herself. That initial friendship is always short-lived, then she expects them to be the only ones putting effort into seeing her, she makes every excuse under the sun as to why she barely sees them, or talks to them, she tries to make her life out to be absolutely horrible and like she has too many responsibilities and uses that to manipulate people into doing things for her. She lives with my step-granddad, who always gives her extra money for things they really don't need, he has debts in his name from loans for things SHE wanted, she got out an $11,000 loan to pay for a course she wanted to do to start up a business. Then somehow shortly in she started being too sick to do it when all she had to do was be on a phone call and use a computer to do it as it was online-business based. Then she started saying things to try and manipulate the family into doing it all for her. I was a school student at the time, my step-granddad already worked full-time, my nanna worked full-time, and my brother was far too young.

She sits at home on a disability pension, just being paid by the government due to the bipolar and some other issues, step-granddad does most the work for taking care of my younger half brother even though he had to juggle it with a full-time job, she complains saying she is expected to clean the whole "2 story house" when she has all the free time in the world, her health is always fine until she's meant to do something or go somewhere (I used to try and organise doing things with her all the time and on the day they'd happen she'd ALWAYS let me down and we wouldn't do those things) but the moment it was for a new friend, she would say she's sick but 'valiantly go regardless' and 'fight through it'. She's sweet and she's helped me out a lot but she's never been much of a mother to me. A friend, if anything. Which is sad, I wish she didn't have those problems, but that's something that can't particularly be fixed and is hard to deal with.

I wish I could give you advice but I'm honestly a bit lost. When I lived with her I dealt with it by finding a lot of events to go out to, or friends to hang out with. Or I'd keep myself busy with someone like education, drawing, singing, etc, so I wouldn't be bothered. I wasn't truly happy until I moved back out of there and since I moved out, I've been a lot better overall, health-wise and emotion-wise. I wish you the best with it and hopefully someone else can give you some good advice! Just know that you aren't alone on the whole 'narcissistic parents' front. I'm just lucky I had an option to move out whenever I needed.

Azn: that does sound exhausting. I think the best thing you can do now is put your energy towards getting yourself together for when you do get out. That's likely to breed more energy than drain it. Use all this as a coping mechanism for the negativity in your house, and frankly detach from the poisonous situation with your mother. She's not healthy and it's affecting you. You need to save yourself, just remember that.

What I notice is that when her money is on the line, she becomes more forceful, demeaning and dominating. She always wants to spend her money on something that will benefit her, whether it is her standing among her friends or the community. It really bothers me because since she does that all the time, I haven't been able to hold a job (since she pays for the gas) or have the opportunity to explore what interests me (I have gotten brochures to colleges that specialize in the arts. She throws them away without telling me; I end up having to fish them out of the trash to look through them while she isn't looking).

It makes it difficult for me because most of the things that I am involved with in school, like clubs and such, require money whether to join or something along those lines, and if it isn't something that she likes, she won't be willing to pay for any of it. It really bothers me since I would like to go into something that I actually like rather than the biology major she made me submit on my application (I love reading about biology; I'm terrible at the actual implementation of the concepts in labs and such), she has sent me away to religious excursions that she pays thousands of dollars for, so I now get the stress of trying my best in order to impress her (she's never been impressed with what I do, so it's beyond me why I even bother trying)

I would like to go and ask my dad for help, but him and my mom have a sour relationship and they fight like little kids on a playground whenever their kid 'steps out of line'. And since he got remarried, I'm pretty sure he wants nothing to do with me. He comes around one Friday every month, and that's the only time I ever really see him. I can't talk to him because of my mom and how controlling she is. I remember one time I went with him was in ninth grade (he wasn't remarried then), I took all of my clothes and homework in order to spend the night so I could just to get away from that hell-hole. I ended up coming back the same night after she called my father's phone constantly to a hysterical mother and siblings who ostracized me for the next two months because they thought I was a 'traitor' when really I was trying to avoid the very situation they were constantly throwing at me.

I'm most concerned for my brother. We are closer because we both share *somewhat* the same opinion of my mom. He thinks she is just bat-shit crazy because she is the harshest on him (he's the only boy in the family). She constantly nags him, always demeans him for 'doing something he isn't supposed to do', and harasses him for using the computer too much. He's actually learning computer engineering online and teaching himself computer code. He's a really smart and sweet boy, but he is also really sensitive and fragile (he just got into middle school), and if this keeps up, my worst fear is that he might fall into some kind of severe depression and never get himself out of it. It scares me, I don't want him to become someone that doesn't know what to do and is torn between doing something they want and doing something because of other motives.

Money is the biggest factor when it comes to her control. She guilt-trips me all the time because of it. Whenever I was away at a camp or something, very rarely would she ask how I was doing and whether I was okay or not. She would instead ask if I am learning anything and remind me of how much money she spent after my 'lazy ass'. I avoid calling home unless it is absolutely necessary. Even when I do call home, she gets angry and yells at me about how I'm 'just like my dad' for not keeping her 'up-to-date' with what I'm doing. Everything, from my clothes to my cell phone, it's hers. I can't talk to my friends on my cell anymore because she discontinued it, and all of my clothes are her hand-me-downs from the 80s because she refuses to buy me any clothes and gets clothes for herself instead. And when the new clothes she gets don't fit her, she doesn't give them to me or anything, nope. She returns them back to the store.

Sorry for sounding so immature here. It's 18 years of pent-up frustration and emotion that you are witnessing right now

sometimes that is best,
the giving up on understanding her i mean

Originally Posted by hummy

sometimes that is best,
the giving up on understanding her i mean

I think that is what I will end up doing. She hasn't tried to understand what I am really like, she always makes assumptions about me and always tried to enforce what she thought would be 'good' for me.

My mother's parents flat-out told her, while she was growing up, that they never wanted her but were stuck with her. They had her older sister and then tried to get pregnant again because they wanted a boy. But they got my mom instead. So they tried a third time and got a boy. So my mom's older sister was the perfect girl and then the little boy could do nothing wrong...but my mother was the black sheep of the family. She was raised more by her aunt and uncle instead. So when she was old enough to leave, she left.

She kept little contact with them. But she visited her aunt and uncle and called them every day. When I was little she brought me and my brother up to see them...hoping to reconcile...but they screamed at us for every little thing we did....we were 3....so my mom never brought us back there.

For her...it was better to just go on in life. She was treated terribly...always screamed at, picked on, yelled at, told "why couldn't you be a boy?" and "nothing you do is good enough"...so she just....left. And she was happier for it. As a result, she is a very strong person. She doesn't take shit from anyone.

Anyway - the moral of this story is - perhaps when you leave, it might be a good idea to cut off family ties with your mom for a while. I'm not suggesting moving out and not talking to her forever. But even when you move out and are on your own, perhaps you can stop talking to her for a while and maybe she will realize she misses you? If not - it might just be best to get out of that toxic environment!

PS - as for money to get to school....apply for every scholarship you possibly can. And for the rest, take out loans. It will be hard paying them back...but at least you can go to school for what YOU want because it won't be her money paying for it!

@ Maria - They just told it to her straight! That's the worst! Cheers to your mother for being strong through that, that's really abusive... I may have limited contact with my mom after I leave the house, I'm not going to feud from her at all. Just very minmal contact until I can approach her with a clear conscience. I'm applying to as many scholarships as I can right now, I hope I can get as much money as I can from them.

How old is your mom? If things have been getting progressively worse, it could be menopause. My grandma was pretty mean to my mom for years as she went through menopause before finally settling down.

Originally Posted by Cherry Who?

How old is your mom? If things have been getting progressively worse, it could be menopause. My grandma was pretty mean to my mom for years as she went through menopause before finally settling down.

She is 50 years old...

Menopause could definitely be a factor then. Doesn't excuse her behavior, mind, but it's some kind of explanation at least.

Originally Posted by Cherry Who?

Menopause could definitely be a factor then. Doesn't excuse her behavior, mind, but it's some kind of explanation at least.

The thing that bothers me the most is that it has been getting worse over the past three years since my parent's divorced. While I do understand that she works as a full-time doctor to pay for the bills and such, I can't accept the fact that she is tearing down her own kids who supported her divorce to begin with.

She painted herself as the 'savior mother' who was 'always there' for her kids. I still remember the times when she would come in and talk to us, low-key brainwashing us into thinking that our dad was the worst person in the world.

He has a lot of flaws as well, but other than that, he had tried his best to be a dad even though he tried to change for my mother's expectations. In a way, I feel bad for him. My parents were in a semi-arranged marriage and I remember them getting marriage counseling more than once when I was a kid. He finally couldn't deal with her controlling behavior and called it quits. I think it would be five years today.

But anyways, after she got the custody and child support money, she distanced herself immediately, thinking that we wouldn't notice it. I don't know about my siblings (I don't ask them about these things), but I remember this clearly.

Every time we would go to a counseling session, my mom would always orchestrate everything that we would say in order to worm our way out of it. I sometimes wish that I had spoken up at these meetings, but I was a naïve girl at the time. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I don't think the menopause can really be the only excuse. I sometimes wish she were more open to us, but it's just a dream, really.