What happens when proud papa Howdy takes his little boy Yan out for the weekend? Whatever it may be, you can be sure that it'll be wacky! Thrills! Excitement! And other adjectives that'll fill up this opening. Delight as you follow the many wanderings of father and son in... Howdy and Yan's Adventure of Adequate!

The Journey Begins
Saturday ~ Breakfast
Saturday ~ The Park
Satuday ~ The Clown Museum
Satuday ~ Hell
Saturday ~ Bizby Land
Saturday ~ The Mall
Saturday ~ The Aquarium
Saturday ~ Dinner
Saturday ~ The Laser Show
Saturday ~ The Hotel
Sunday ~ The Robbery
Sunday ~ Breakfast
Sunday ~ The Hay Ride
Sunday ~ The Beach
Sunday ~ The Zoo
Sunday ~ Ice Cream
Sunday ~ The Movie
Sunday ~ The Moon
Sunday ~ The Dinner
Sunday ~ Buford, the Wisest Hobo
The Journey Ends

The Journey Begins





It was a bright, sunny Saturday morning. Howdy hopped into his hearse (super stylish) and recklessly navigated the child-laden roads. He was off to the house of his ex-wife, the wicked jellysundae, to pick up their son, Baby Yan. jelly was still mad that she got little Yan in the divorce settlement and Howdy got her silcal gel collection. The judge said that’s what she deserved for leaving him in the desert to die. Howdy missed living with his young son, but at least the silica gel doesn’t start fires.

When Howdy pulled up in front of jelly’s potato house, she was waiting with a frown on her face. “So, how’s my silica gel?” She glowered. “Sexy.” Replied Howdy.

He packed Baby Yan into the car, making sure to belt him thrice, and off they went.

Saturday ~ Breakfast



The first part of Howdy and Baby Yan’s agenda of fun was to get some breakfast. Howdy parked his hearse in the International House of Pancakes parking lot, taking up only three spaces, and walked his little boy inside. “You can choose anything you want from the menu.” Howdy said. To which Baby Yan joyously replied, “French toast!” Baby Yan loves french toast, almost to a dangerous degree, the doctors say. But what do doctors know? Pfft.

When the food arrived, Baby Yan took a bite from his plate and looked displeased. “These taste funny.” He frowned. Howdy called the waitress over. “Excuse me, my little Yan says there’s something wrong with this french toast. Are you sure it’s from France?” The waitress stammered something about french toast not necessarily having to be from France. Howdy was irate. He threw a bottle of syrup at her.

Saturday ~ The Park



After Howdy’s tirade at the IHOP, where they got their meal for free (Score!), he decided to take Baby Yan to the park, to help work off some of those calories. Howdy had been taught that every little boy needs to run out under the sun, in the fresh air. At least that’s what his mother would tell him when she locked him out of the house.

The first thing Baby Yan wanted to do was be pushed on the swings. “Higher!” He shouted. And then, “Even higher!”, still not satisfied. Wanting to make his little boy happy, Howdy was just a wee bit overzealous with his next push and Baby Yan went flying into a tree.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Howdy called. “I see Jesus!” Little Yan deliriously replied. “No you don’t, baby. No you don’t.”

But as it turns out, Baby Yan did see Jesus. Jesus Alvarez, the world famous cheese artist.

Saturday ~ The Clown Museum



It took some time, but Howdy was finally able to coax Baby Yan out of the tree with a leftover piece of American-and-not-at-all-French toast he was saving in his back pocket. After all this rambunctiousness, Papa Howdy thought it might be good to exercise their brains and take in a little culture. Their next destination: the museum. But which museum, Howdy pondered. Well, all children love clowns, don’t they?

All children, it seems, except Baby Yan. He instantly flew into a panic and began screaming. “Make them go to hell, Daddy! Make them die and go to hell!” And then he set the place on fire. Howdy should have guessed this outcome, as Baby Yan had done the exact same thing twice before. But third time’s the charm, he had thought. Sprinkles, the proprietor of the museum, asked, “For the love of god, why do you keep bringing him back?!”

Saturday ~ Hell



Howdy felt so bad that his little boy had such a rotten time at the Clown Museum, that he decided to right his wrong and, as Baby Yan had asked, take those scary ol’ clowns to Hell. You’d think it would be a difficult journey, but so many people had told Howdy to go there, that he knew the way pretty easily.

It brought joy to his daddy’s heart to see Baby Yan’s eyes fill with glee as the clowns were thrown into the lake of eternal hellfire. While they were down there, Howdy thought it would be nice to say hi to his ol’ pal Satan. “How’re things?” Howdy asked.

“Okay, I suppose.” The unholy man-goat shrugged. “Economy’s not doin’ so well and we’re feelin’ the pinch. Had to let in all these German tourists.”

“But they’re a very tidy people.”

“I guess. Hey, you mind if I give jelly a call?”

Saturday ~ Bizby Land



While Baby Yan did seem to have fun playing amongst the fire and brimstone, Howdy wanted the day to be extra special for him. And what’s more special to a child, other than french toast, then a trip to Disneyland. Little Yan was so excited. ‘I’m a really good dad,’ Howdy thought while texting his parole officer on the freeway.

Things didn’t turn out as they should have, though. Instead of Disneyland, the pair found themselves at Bizby Land, an abandoned, Australian themed amusement park. Once a major attraction back in the 80s, Bizby Land now sat in disrepair. The giant visage of Bizby the Kangaroo, the park’s mascot, loomed over them, as if to say, “Love me.”

“Dad, this blows more than a hooker during Fleet Week.” Baby Yan sighed.

“I know, son. I know.”

Saturday ~ The Mall



After the current debacle that was Bizby Land, Howdy really became worried that he was letting down his Baby Yan. So he decided to temporarily do away with his itinerary, and asked Yan where he wanted to go. To Howdy’s surprise, his little boy eagerly requested the Mall. Not very extraordinary. “But if dat where mah babeh want t’ be, then dat where mah babeh gonna go!”

He thought perhaps they’d visit Toys ‘R’ Us, hit the food court, then berate anyone who looked liked they were too old to be shopping at Hot Topic. But as soon as the mall’s electronic dolls closed behind them, Baby Yan bit through his tether and ran straight to Victoria’s Secret.

Yan flew through racks filled with assorted panties and brassieres. He charged into dressing rooms and rode the backs of unsuspecting vixens. He was having a great time! But unfortunately the manager didn’t seem too happy. They were meeting an awful lot of those today.

“Wha-- What is he doing?!” She screamed. “You need to get him out of here!”

“Say, what is Victoria’s secret? … I bet it’s that she has a weenie.”

Saturday ~ The Aquarium



The day had taken an upswing. Little Yan was pleased as punch. Howdy, on the other hand, had almost gotten punched. By a security guard. But a strategic kick to the man bags and a couple ninja smoke bombs ensured their escape. Howdy was beginning to feel a bit peckish and asked his young son what he’d like for dinner. “French toast!” was the reply. “No, sweetie. French toast is for breakfast and last meals on death row. I know, let’s get some fish!” And he drove them straight to the aquarium.

They were there not even a solid ten minutes before being confronted by an oversized, talking fish. “Ex-excuse me, sir.” He stammered. “Your son can’t do that.”

“Do what?” Howdy asked, puzzled. “He can’t fish.” The man in the costume said.

“Sure he can. He’s doing pretty well.”

“No, I uh… I mean, he’s not allowed to fish in here.”

“Why not?! You’ve got plenty of fish! Surely your establishment won’t miss just a few. Honestly, i’ve met some greedy, talking fish in my day, but you, my friend, steal the show.”

And then Yan tried to scale him.

Saturday ~ Dinner



Those aquarium people were quite rude. They reacted as if no one had ever gone fishing in their rare species tank before. Even worse, father and son were still very much hungry. So Howdy quickly pulled his hearse into the first restaurant he could find. When the waiter approached their table, Howdy asked what kind of fish they had that day. The waiter apologized. “I’m sorry, sir. This is a vegetarian restaurant.”

“So the fish comes with a side of veggies?” Howdy asked.

“No, sir,” the waiter said patiently, “we don’t serve any sort of animal meat.”

This made Howdy’s blood boil. ‘Don’t serve meat?! Oh, here we go again! All you tender-footed, veggie lovers getting up in my face just because I enjoy the sweet taste of animal flesh?!”

“No, sir. I was merely explaining what sort of restaurant this…”

“Stop trying to oppress me! Hollering, ‘Meat is murder! Meat is murder!’”

“Meat is delicious murder!” Baby Yan shouted, jumping up on the tables and dumping plates of vegetables onto the diners’ heads.

“Actually that looks kinda good.” Howdy said, pointing. “I don’t even eat fish.”

Saturday ~ The Laser Show



Dinner was good. Not great. It could have used more meat, which Howdy commented to the waiter every time he passed the table. The evening was slowing down, only time for one more activity. Earlier in the week he had read about something called a ‘Grateful Dead Laser Light Show’. Howdy wasn’t altogether sure what a ‘Grateful Dead’ was, but assumed it had something to do with courteous zombies, which sounded family friendly.

The laser show wasn’t what he expected, though. There was not one zombie to be seen, only dozens of hippies milling about. Certainly not his crowd. One of them tried to give Howdy a stamp, but he declined, as he had no mail to send.

“Should we leave, Baby Yan?” Howdy sighed.

“No, dad! This place is cool!” Little Yan exclaimed. “Look, I can make lasers too!” And he leaped into the air and blasted a hippie.

“They sure do teach wondrous things in daycare nowadays.”

Saturday ~ The Hotel



It’d been a long day, but it was getting to the time when little Yans should be in bed. Half past two in the morning, to be exact. After settling into their hotel room, Baby Yan found the courtesy fridge. “Hot dog, free food!”

“Well, technically it’s not free,” Howdy said, “but I stole your mom’s credit card, so knock yourself out.”

“Hey dad, what’re these?” Piling a group of small, oddly shaped boxes onto the bed.

“Those are Toblerones. It’s a Swiss candy bar.”

“I never heard of it before.”

“That’s because you only find them in hotel mini-fridges and in the backpacks of pretentious Europeans.”

“What do they taste like?”

“Oh, you don’t eat ‘em. Watch.” Howdy removed a Toblerone from its package and rolled it between his hands. “You want to get it all nice and gooey and squishy.” He moved over to the window, opened it and shouted, “My toilet’s broken but I gotta go really bad! I can’t hold it! Watch out below!”, and dropped the candy bar. “See.”

“You’re the best dad ever.”

Sunday ~ The Robbery



After leaving the hotel, our two heroes stopped off at a local convenience store. Howdy had a long day planned for him and his son, so he wanted to make sure they were properly hydrated. After loading up the basket with Red Bulls and bags of Funyuns, they prepared to pay for their goods when a masked man stormed in, wielding a gun. “Alright! This is a hold up!” He shouted.

“No, this is a 7-11.” Baby Yan corrected.

“Quiet!” The robber barked. “No funny stuff.”

“Well, you don’t know what you’re missing.” Howdy replied. “My son’s a card.”

“Enough talk! Just gimmie all your money.”

“Sorry, I don’t give money to charities. I don’t trust them. I once gave money to PETA, and I later found out that not one cent went to pita pocket research. It’s like, c’mon! Those things are delicious.”

And then the robber died of elephantitis.

Sunday ~ Breakfast



After a few moments talking to the police, Howdy and Baby Yan were free to go on their way. Good thing they didn’t know that Yan had an outstanding warrant. All the excitement had given the pair a big appetite, and so they drove back to the International House of Pancakes. … But were denied access.

So they went to Dennys instead. Of course the thing that little Yan wanted the most was french toast, and you better believe Howdy was ready for a fight. But the waitress said, “Oh yes, our french toast is imported straight from Paris every single morning.”

No fuss. Seemed like it would be an uneventful breakfast… until Jesus Alvarez, the world famous cheese artist, showed up. Jesus travels to parks and restaurants that serve breakfast all day all across the land, entertaining the common folk with his magical ability to craft cheese into art.

He was super nice and even gave Howdy and Yan each an official Jesus Alvarez moustache.

Sunday ~ The Hay Ride



Fun Fact: Howdy makes his living hosing down Oompa Loompas at the Willy Wonka factory. Not So Fun Fact: They’re stinky little bastards. Anywho, Howdy works with a guy named Ross. Shortly before his fun filled weekend with Baby Yan, he asked Ross what kind of things he likes to do with his children. “Oh man,” Ross chuckled, “my kids love a good old fashioned hay ride.” Howdy was skeptical, but his coworker swore by it.

Fast forward to the following Sunday and Howdy’s bored out of his gourd. “Hay ride?” He said. “More like, ‘Hey, this ride sucks!” At least Baby Yan seemed to be having a good time, sitting on the lap of some retired Mormon school teacher. “I mean look,’ Howdy continued, “this chicken’s so bored, her feathers fell off.”

“That’s Morty the Featherless Rooster.” The driver happily chirped. “He’s a local celebrity.”

“You’re pretty lacking in the celebrity department.”

“His featherlessness defies the will of god and nature! Let’s eat him!” Baby Yan shouted. But before he could make a move, a nun fell on the rooster.

“Ross is such an idiot.” Howdy sighed.

Sunday ~ The Beach



The hay ride was a bust. So Howdy wanted to make sure he next chose an activity that couldn’t fail. Picking the rooster gizzards out his hair, it came to him. The beach! Who doesn’t like a sunny day at the beach? Except for that little girl he saw on Discovery Health once, the one who was allergic to the sun. That’s a shame. But he knew his Baby Yan would have the time of his life.

And sure enough, his little boy was living it up. Everything was going so well, that is until some uppity lifeguard ran up to Howdy, waving his arms about like a madman. “Hey!” He screamed. “Your kid’s riding on the back of a shark!”

“I know, right.” Howdy smiled. “He’s gonna sleep good tonight.”

“No, you don’t understand! That’s a man eating shark! He’s in danger!”

“Psh,” Howdy rolled his eyes, “obviously my son’s a boy, not a man.”

Sunday ~ The Zoo



Baby Yan had such a good time riding the shark at the beach, even after he ate the lifeguard, that Howdy decided it would be nice for them to go to the zoo. Sure enough, it was tons of fun. They pet some koalas. Fed an elephant. Poked the old people at the lost and found. Yan’s favorite animal, by far, were the meerkats. He even loves their website, icanhasgrubz.com.

Arriving at the monkey exhibit, they were met with a rather awkward situation.

“Look, daddy!” Yan pointed. “What are the monkeys doing?”

“W-well,” Howdy stammered, “uh… Do you remember the time you went into Aunty Knerd’s special library, even though you were told not to, and brought home one of her special book? What did you ask?”

“What they were doing?”

“And what did I tell you?”

“That they were having very special hugs.”

“Well that’s what the monkeys are doing.”

“Wow.” Baby Yan remarked. “Those monkeys sure like to hug.”

“Man,” Howdy frowned, “it’s been so long since i’ve been hugged.”

Sunday ~ Ice Cream



All in all the zoo was very fulfilling. Being out of doors, under the warm spring sun, Howdy thought that a day like today deserved some ice cream. After jamming Yan’s taxidermied rhino into the back of the hearse, he drove them straight to Baskin Robbins, where they serve fifty one flavors of deliciousness. Fifty four if you’re a freemason.

“So what flavor of ice cream would you like today.” The store attendant smiled.

“Cookies and cream!” Yan waved his hands excitedly.

“And what’s your name, little man?”

“Yan… Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.”

“Well Miss Jackson, we’re having a special event right now. If you scream for ice cream, as loud as you can, you get a free toy.”

“Uh,” Howdy piped in, “I don’t think that’s…”

“Nonsense, dad.” The attendant laughed, hands jauntily on hips. “You go ahead, little man.”

Howdy plugged his ears as Yan let loose a sonic scream that blew out all the glass in the store, as well as blowing up the attendant’s head. She didn’t know that Yan was part banshee. On jelly’s side.

Sunday ~ The Movie



Howdy thought visiting the movies was an example of modern day highway robbery. “If I’m going to spend twelve bucks to sit for two hours,’ he’d complain, “I better find a golden egg under my ass after getting up.” But he knew that his Baby Yan had his heart set on seeing this new Wally the Woodchuck movie. ‘Wally the Woodchuck and the Land of Smiles’ it was called. When the movie was through, Howdy commented that he hadn’t seen so much blood, profanity, drug use and gratuitous nudity in a cartoon before.

Yan gave the film a C-. He said it was far too derivative of the director’s earlier work, ‘Wally the Woodchuck meets the Cotton Candy Kids’. In that one Wally and Trisha the Transexual Turtle attempt to smuggle into the Rainbow Forest a flatbed of coke on a Columbian fishing trawler. Here, you could have just switched Trisha for Ludmila the Lusty Russian Llama, and the coke for a train of underage prostitutes.

“In the other movie, did Wally chew through a guy’s abdomen, then inject heroin straight into his eyeball?” Howdy asked.

“Oh yeah, he does that in all of them.”

Sunday ~ The Moon



Howdy and Baby Yan went to the moon. Do not question this. Do not ask why they went to the moon. Do not ponder as to how they got to the moon. Don’t even dare to guess how they may get back. Do not seek out the answers that cannot be sought. For these answers may very well rip through the fabric of your sanity. Leave be what should not be unriddled, lest you are left a drooling, driveling, gibbering shell of your former existence.

Just sit back, let reason slip away, and enjoy the fact that Howdy and his Little Yan are frolicking freely on the moon’s surface. Without spacesuits. Without helmets. Without any feasible means to breath.

Oh look, Baby Yan did a somersault. He’s so happy.

Sunday ~ Dinner



The weekend was quickly drawing to a close. It was nearing dinner time, and this would be the last meal Howdy would have with his little boy before they saw each other again, so he let Baby Yan choose where to eat. Mostly expecting Francois’ French Toast Palace to be the answer, he was surprised when Yan said he’d like to go to McDonalds. Howdy later found out this was because each Happy Meal came bundled with a Wally the Woodchuck toy, complete with real working miniature flame thrower and a gram of smack.

Sitting out in the McDonalds parking lot, under the starry sky, it was a nice opportunity for the two of them to just talk.

“So how’s daycare, Yan?” Howdy asked, eating his chicken sandwich.

“Good. We’re almost done with rehearsals for our production of Equus.” Yan replied, chomping down on his yak burger.

“Good. Good. Say uh, how’s your mom been lately?”

“She’s okay.”

“Yeah? She been up to anything lately?”

“Not really. All she does is spend her time with Uncle Inso.”

“Uncle Inso?” Howdy paused. “They… they don’t hug, do they?

“No, but they sure do like to…”

---

Whoops. Reached my word limit.
:)

Sunday ~ Buford, the Wisest Hobo



Howdy was having a wonderful time with Baby Yan. So nice that he almost wished it didn’t have to end. Looking at all the stains in the backseat though, it was probably for the best. But this next stop would be their last for the night, and Howdy wanted to make sure it was extra special. Someplace his own father took him when he was a kid, before his dad went to the store and never came back.

“Gee Dad,” Little Yan’s eyes shined, “what is this place?”

“This son,” Howdy swept his arm, “is a magical place, where wisdom and the grandeur of life converge. -- The hobo shanties under the freeway.”

It was unlike anything young Yan had ever seen. “Son, I want you to meet someone. This is Buford, the wisest of all the hobos. Listen to him, Yan. Take in his words, for each is rich with the knowledge of decades of experience.”

“Put that baby in a bucket, the space donkeys eat your thoughts! I keep bacon in my underpants!”

“I don’t think I will ever be the same again.” Yan mused.

“Gimmie a dollar or I’ll eat your eyebrows!”

The Journey Ends





The night was finally at its close, and boy what a weekend they had. As Baby Yan slept peacefully in his car seat, Howdy reflected on everything they’d done together. Their visit to the lingerie store. Watching a rooster explode. Saving the Queen of England from that band of ruthless terrorists. Yes, it had been quite the weekend. And now, Howdy felt a small pang of sadness in his heart, knowing that it was over. But he told himself it wouldn’t be the last. He’d see his precious son again, the next time jelly was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Which reminded him… Howdy shook Yan awake and gave him a thermos of coffee and a dozen pixie sticks. By the time they reached the potato, he was thoroughly wired.

“Ha, what can I say? No shutting this kid off, right.” He laughed.

“Love ya, Dad!” Yan shouted.

“Love you, too. You be a good boy.” Kissing his jittery son on the forehead. “But not too good.” He whispered.

Riding his hearse home, Howdy smiled. Yeah, this had been quite an adventure. An adventure of adequate.

good luck, Captian Howdy!

Movin' this back so people can read if they like. ;P