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Beliar
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#1
Old 05-22-2014, 06:24 AM

Left Behind

The car speeds away,
I am left behind. Again.
I remember the last smiles
The way we laughed
And I can’t help but think,
Where did it all go?

It used to be so fun, so new,
But now it is the deadliest poison
And it is killing me slowly
I need a quick fix, and,
I can’t help but remember,
The way we once laughed.

There used to be the good times
The movie nights,
The games we used to play
The jokes we shared, and,
The memories we made…
All turn to ash.

I remember your last smile,
The things you said as the door shut
The way you looked; as you drove away,
And I am left behind. Again.

This isn't my most recent poem but its one of my favorites (or at least one I'm willing to share on the internet). What do you think? How would you improve upon it?

Uniplex
Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sic...
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#2
Old 05-22-2014, 06:30 PM

Very good! I love it!

What I think you need to do though is take out the commas in the middle of the phrases and semi-colon. It makes it kind of choppy, and a poem is suppose to be smooth and seamless.
So instead of :
It used to be so fun, so new,
But now it is the deadliest poison
And it is killing me slowly
I need a quick fix, and,
I can’t help but remember,
The way we once laughed.

Try:
It used to be so fun and new,
But now it is the deadliest poison
And it is killing me slowly
I need a quick fix and,
I can’t help but remember,
The way we once laughed.

That way you have a better flow. In my opinion (this may just be me... who knows?) a poem should be like a song- smooth, good transit and pleasant to 'hear' in your mind. If it has a lot of punctuation it makes it jerky, and that's not really appealing (unless we're talking Will Shatner here.)
Hope I helped you! Again amazing poem!!

Beliar
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#3
Old 05-29-2014, 03:28 AM

Thank you for your time! I'll keep some of those edits in mind :) Its meant to be choppy in parts but I like how your changes sounds too.

 


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