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#26
Old 07-05-2016, 07:26 AM

Finn caught Josiah's fleeting smile in time to flash one in return. "Okay," he said, following him out into the velvety night. Once they were out the door he grabbed Josiah's hand and twined his fingers through his, heat momentarily creeping up his cheeks but siphoned away by the chilly air. They were beginning. They were alive and kicking the bucket list. A thrill of anticipation and excitement made Finn shiver for a moment.

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#27
Old 07-17-2016, 03:18 AM

Josiah felt a rush as Finn took his hand, spurred half by excitement and half by fear. He was doing this and it felt wonderful. He twinned his fingers with the other boy's, craving more of that warm touch in the chilled air despite the way his heart trembled. If his parents saw this, he knew he wouldn't survive it, but that was why he was able to do it now. He didn't plan to survive it. After swallowing hard, he managed to return the conversation. "You know, this is the first time I've held anyone's hand besides my parents, let alone a guy's. You don't mind?" He didn't know why he asked because he didn't want to know the answer. He liked the feeling of their hands together too much to compromise it. But a part of him already guessed Finn followed along because he'd suggested it, which was fine as long as the lie stayed unbroken.

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#28
Old 07-26-2016, 05:17 AM

The streets were slick with concrete and neon, more like cyberpunk art than reality. The 24/7 sat out of place with its thatched awning of crisscrossing wood fiber. Everything seemed unreal. Especially the warmth of Josiah's fingers woven between his.

"This is a rare thing for me too, but no… I don't mind. It's rather nice, actually," he said, wincing mentally because he couldn't think of a better word to use than the weak, rather wishy-washy 'nice'. The landscape changed almost drastically, concrete giving way to gravel and overarching elm trees. There was no more neon; even the street lights cast a softer glow. This was Inverness Avenue, purely residential, purely elite. The sprawling houses were hollow and ghostly. But there was one with all its lights on, juddering with beats and drunken feet.

"We're here," Finn said needlessly. His voice sounded quizzical to his own ears. The wrought-iron gates were open, the door gaping, high-schoolers spilled into the darkened lawn. One had only to step among them to be lost, to be borne along until dawn.

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#29
Old 07-27-2016, 01:34 AM

Josiah felt his breath ease at Finn's words, though he wasn't sure if he believed them or not. It didn't really matter now if he did or not. His heart beat easier either way. As they walked, he deeply breathed in the open air, filled with elm scent. It was a familiar one to him, one that never brought him joy until now. Did it somehow smell fresher now? He shook the thought away as the freshness gave way to another pungent smell. The ground rolled with the deep bass beat and for a second, Josiah just looked up at the open gates. Indeed, they were here and he felt his heart clench again. A second later, he squeezed Finn's hand.

"Well come on, what are we waiting for?" He charged forward, almost laughing at how unlike himself he sounded. This person was neither the cold and cool person that many people knew or the awkward loner he often thought of himself as. And it was kind of nice. He pulled Finn through the gate and let them fall in with the crowds of dancing teenagers who didn't even notice the presence of newcomers.

Last edited by Kat Dakuu; 07-31-2016 at 06:38 PM..

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#30
Old 07-27-2016, 05:36 AM

He felt Josiah tighten his grip right before they walked through the gates. Comfort fluttered up his throat to be replaced by surprise when Josiah launched them in headlong. It was like a spark traveled up from Josiah's fingers through his own, tingling his synapses, communicating the sudden sweep of his mood. It charged him up as well. The next moment Finn was grinning as they were surrounded by teenagers dancing their way to oblivion. He jumped around with abandon for a minute, letting energy loose, then slowed down to step to the beat, aware that he was steering Josiah along with him. He didn't want to let go his hand yet. It was reassuring to be anchored to him in the sea of swimming faces, like driftwood to a dancing shore.

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#31
Old 07-28-2016, 06:41 PM

The music's beat was heavy, but steady. Finn let himself get lost in the music for a second, not really following the beat and Josiah found himself pulled along. After a short moment of surprise though, he found he didn't mind. When they settled into the rhythm, teenagers bumping into their backside or stealing a touch without even seeming to notice it, Josiah grinned at the other boy. Their hands remained connected, their lifeline in this storm. It still felt good. "Yeah! This is some party, eh?" he called, voice raised over the music to be heard in a perfect simulation of teen talk. He slowed his feet and the awkward sway of his body to match the beat better, but he knew he couldn't dance. Just right now, he didn't care. "Do you want to get something more to drink, or just dance?"

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#32
Old 07-29-2016, 03:31 AM

The beat was gravity-heavy, typical of EDM, unfamiliar to Finn in a wholly exhilarating way. He felt the vibrating thump in his ribs, holding Josiah's smile in his own. He half wanted to laugh at his words, they were in an unfamiliar vein- not something he'd heard before from Josiah as long as they'd been associated thus far. "Badass," he agreed, falling in with it, surprised at himself for how easy it was, how devoid of embarrassment he was, how he didn't mind the heat of bodies brushing and pressing against him. "Whatever you'd like," he said loudly, tentatively moving his shoulders and his free arm along with his steps now. "We'll probably get hot and thirsty after a while more of this, so maybe then. Or if you want to begin with more of a buzz we can have some now."

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#33
Old 07-29-2016, 07:26 PM

It must have been the environment or the fact that no one here cared that allowed them to almost be someone else. Or a someone they could have been if their lives turned out different. It was a funny window into a possible life that Josiah had to turn away from because of the way it made his insides flutter and twist in pain at the same time. If he thought about what could have been anymore, he would throw up. Instead, he just grinned with the same wildness as the music. "How about drink and dance at the same time," he said with a laugh. He let his body roll in a languid S, the movement coming out more natural now. His left arm held up to the side, he looked the same as any other dancer spilled out on this lawn. Finn looked the same, like something totally different to what he'd seen up until now. But that was the point wasn't it?

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#34
Old 07-30-2016, 04:39 AM

"Good idea," laughed Finn. Before looking over the heads of people to find the drinks counter, he saw Josiah sway in one fluid movement that rippled through his body, and a gasp caught in his throat. For a moment he stilled, gazing at him. "Let's go get some," he said, and led him weaving his way. Fancy drinks might've been expected in a house like this, tequila shots at the very least, but there was only beer. Lots more beer. He took one and passed one to Josiah, sipping to lower it below the brim, and began moving to the music again, slowly. He moved just his joints, holding the beer steadily aloft to keep from slopping it on himself. The lights roved over indistinct faces. His eyes half lidded themselves. He felt like he belonged. This was what it was like, 'having a good time'- when you didn't have to think to plain feel good.

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#35
Old 07-30-2016, 05:00 PM

Josiah took the beer Finn passed him and gulped at the liquid. It burned his throat, but this time not so much and he enjoyed the fire. He actually found himself glad it was just beer because he didn't know what other drinks would do to him. Probably too much and not enough at the same time. Still holding his drink, he went back to dancing with Finn. A couple more sips into the beer and he decided that the space between them wasn't enough. He shuffled closer, finally moving one of his hands to the other boy's shoulder after a half minute of hesitation. It didn't matter here anyway. No one looked at them and even if they did, no one would care about two boys dancing together because most of the world didn't actually care about that. And tonight, neither did Josiah.

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#36
Old 07-31-2016, 04:00 AM

Finn felt Josiah shift closer to him, slipping one arm around his shoulder. His hand circled Josiah's waist, closing the distance between them so that they fit into each other, easily and naturally. People were climbing onto the couch, treating it like a trampoline, standing on top of the table and whipping hair and limb. Others howled their approval at them. He watched lazily, grinning, swaying together with Josiah. The beer was much easier to drink than the first time. He barely noticed its taste, now; at intervals he swallowed some and let it settle with a sizzle in his stomach. This was a strange energy, one that smoldered through his synapse with a steady nictation, always just skirting the edge of exploding. He supposed that was when you blacked out- when you tipped over the edge and exploded. It didn't seem a possibility- as though a centripetal something kept him within the edge, these moments seemed like they could be forever. A suspension of time and thinking.

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#37
Old 07-31-2016, 07:16 PM

Josiah let Finn move closer to him, though tiny alarms went off in the back of his head. The atmosphere and the alcohol dulled the noise, letting him ignore it even as a tightness grew in his throat. It was like a reminder in the back of his mind that he just ignored for now. Still it grew though, second by second as his eyes focused behind Finn to the other's in their wild dance. Spinning closer and closer to the edge, look, they almost circled into the flames now, those little moths. With his eyes still focused in the distance, he spoke to Finn despite nothing having been said to him in a while. "Are you going to finish your beer?" He realized belatedly that he already finished his, having chugged it in between dancing without realizing it. Songs passed, along with the minutes, also unnoticed by him in this tight bubble of space with Finn that was only getting wonderfully and suffocatingly tighter.

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#38
Old 08-01-2016, 03:12 AM

"Uh-huh." Finn gulped down the rest of the beer in one go, zapping himself with a strange sort of fiery lethargy that manifested just as energy would. He grinned widely at Josiah, his senses swimming; sight and sound was dulled and slightly tuned out now, like being underwater. Once more, Josiah was the anchor. His head rested for a moment on Josiah's shoulder as he gathered himself with a mouth-open breath and began stepping faster. If he moved faster, he'd be more in control of the centripetalism and less likely to careen off the edge. He didn't want to be nearing the end already.

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#39
Old 08-01-2016, 03:26 AM

Whatever Josiah grasped at, he didn't know, but it wasn't working. He felt himself already start to drown, but there was a joy and a lethargy that tried to tell him this was okay. He found his hand grasping at Finn's again, the grip so tight it left his knuckles white and his fingers red. Grasping, still grasping for something he didn't know. As the other boy laid his head close, Josiah found himself gazing downwards, Finn's image stilling in an otherwise spinning world. Unbidden, words spilled out of his mouth. "You look hot." The words didn't hit him, not yet anyway as he gazed down at Finn with his feet still moving to the manic pace of the song.

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#40
Old 08-01-2016, 11:49 AM

Finn felt a jolt at Josiah's words. He looked up at him, and recognized that his eyes were the center of everything. Steady, scintillating hazel, intoxicated and intoxicating. The source of the force. The centripetal force that held him aloft. Suddenly he was aflame. The heady heat took over his body, roaring in his ears until he couldn't hear anything else, couldn't summon a thought. An overwhelming surge. His feet stilled. Speechless, he raised his lips to Josiah.

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#41
Old 08-04-2016, 06:34 PM

The kiss happened before Josiah realized that the moment changed. He felt it, electricity going down to curl his toes before it really hit him. It didn't help that the electricity felt nice either. He pulled back, at first too stunned to respond. A second later, his eyes went wide as he turned away, the illusion that this party created shattering away. This him wasn't real. This happiness wasn't real. Everything surged up inside him all at once. "Sorry!" he gasped before spinning away to the a back corner of the grass where he threw up. He couldn't even explain it, but he suddenly felt so ill he didn't know what to do. His head spun. Just what had he been doing?

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#42
Old 08-14-2016, 03:57 AM

When their lips met it was more intense than any moment he'd ever experienced before. Everything faded to the background, and the rush of his blood was out of control. He was… happy. Wildly.

Then Josiah turned away from him.

Releasing him. The force no more anchoring him, Finn was over the edge. He exploded. The world turned away from him.

He wouldn't have been able to stay steady on his feet. His legs would've caved, he'd have collapsed. But Josiah was apologizing, and Finn couldn't understand why, and all his thoughts marshalled because he knew it was imperative that he understand. Or really, he did understand. It was imperative that he accept. He didn't know if, in the midst of this blackness, he could summon the will.

Then Josiah was on his knees puking. Concern and guilt clawed at Finn as he stumbled to his side and ran his fingers through Josiah's hair, over his shoulder, beating back the notion that he was helpless, that he couldn't reach him again. "I'm sorry," he murmured, "Be all right." He was saying inanely that everything would be all right, and also just as inanely asking, beseeching, Josiah to be all right.

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#43
Old 08-15-2016, 01:47 AM

Finn's words reached him distantly, sounding foreign and out of place to Josiah's swirling mind. He didn't even notice the hand in his hair until a minute later as he felt himself drawn back from his own edge. He ducked away from Finn's touch, pulling unsteadily to his feet in the same motion, like he didn't mean anything by putting distance between them. Like it was just a natural result of standing. But it wasn't.

Bitterness, so much bitterness in his mouth and it wasn't all bile and alcohol, though he couldn't put words to it. He couldn't voice his emotions and make them more real. Had to pit on his mask, but it just broke, sending his mind and his stomach reeling until it landed him here. It finally hit him that Finn said, 'be okay'. Just what did he mean by that? Hazel eyes focused on the party that still carried on without a care for the two standing on a far corner of the shadowed lawn.

"I'm fine," Josiah muttered, his voice hoarse and half choked. He still kept his careful distance from the other boy. "Just the alcohol." A lie. He repeated it again. "It's....just the alcohol, okay. I don't know why-" His voice strangled away again and the sentence hung there in the heavy air, silence falling between them again.

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#44
Old 08-15-2016, 04:59 AM

Josiah recoiled from him, sending a sharp pain shooting up Finn's throat. He stood, and Finn stood with him, feeling alien from his body, from the dull ache in his ribs. Josiah wouldn't look at him as he spoke. He said he was fine, but his voice sounded like- like when tears crystallized in your throat so you couldn't cry them out, but they were there. He said it was just the alcohol- was he talking about the puking? Or about-

He said he didn't know why…

Finn accepted it. Sort of. He wanted to throw his arms around him again, his nerves juddered from the urge, but he hemmed it in. But he said, "Don't go away." From me. His voice blank. And then he forced himself to go on, and his voice came out stronger, not because he felt stronger, but because he was pushing it out so forcefully. From somewhere in his gut, judging by the pain. "If you want- it never happened."

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#45
Old 08-15-2016, 09:46 PM

As Josiah turned back to Finn, a tight lipped smile crossed his face. It didn't quite reach his eyes though. "I'm not going anywhere. We made a pact right? At least...I'm not going anywhere until midnight." It was a sharp reminder that he still felt the need to die, no less strong than before, despite their enjoyment of their last few hours. Because even if things were alright now, or half alright, they would never be alright. He shook his head, trying to clear away the incident just like Finn said, like it never happened. "Never mind it. It doesn't matter anyway," he muttered. "Come on, let's find us some water. I guess I'm glad I got to have my first kiss though," he threw out as if he really did put the whole matter behind him though it still left his chest tight and his lungs pulling in something that didn't feel the least bit like air, but more like slow-death burning poison.

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#46
Old 08-18-2016, 01:08 AM

Until midnight. That was right. Josiah would leave him then… but as he imagined it, Finn remembered they'd jump together. And in that moment, in his mind's eye, they were riveted together once more.

Well, he supposed it didn't matter… of course, if it didn't matter to Josiah, it didn't matter to him. A swell of resentment embittered his consciousness for a second before being smoothed over to blankness again. Living only felt like living if stuff mattered, and only tomorrow didn't matter. Otherwise it felt like living a lie. Well, maybe they were living a lie, but why couldn't they lie to themselves a bit longer?

"I'm glad it got to be with you," said Finn obstinately without falling in with his nonchalance- it was hurtful- without looking at him. "Yeah let's go; there isn't any near the beer counter but we could find the kitchen." He hurried on to say without a pause.

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#47
Old 08-20-2016, 09:42 PM

A second passed. Josiah breathed out, his gaze ahead rather than aimed at Finn as he responded, the whisper sounding heavy in the night air. "....Yeah, me too." With that, he fell silent again as they walked through the grass, finding the front door wide open and a stream of people wandering in and out of it in a constant trickle. If the noise was loud outside, in was unbearable past the door, the walls containing all the neat and sound within them. He never turned to look at Finn. The bitter taste still filled his mouth and he welcomed a chance to get rid of it, though a part of him thought that if he brushed his teeth a million times, that bitterness would remain. Once in the kitchen, he spotted some plastic cups by the sink and filled one, downing it in one gulp. As he leaned back against the counter, he finally met the other boy's eye. "Now what?" They already lied to themselves for a few hours of 'living'. Wasn't this enough?

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#48
Old 11-20-2016, 01:20 AM

"…Yeah, me too."
Finn felt a rush like he had when they'd been making the list, getting really into it. A rush of something that gladdened and also hurt just a little. Hope. He watched as Josiah gulped down some water, then turned to look at him.

"Now what?"

Finn detected a raw edge in Josiah. Jagged with weariness and a muted, bitter desperation. He filled a glass for himself to buy himself a few seconds, to remember. Then he said, "We could go up to the roof and watch the sunrise now. And we're almost in the suburbs right now, so we can walk to the countryside and it'd take half an hour, tops." He sipped and added, "Do you want to?" because Josiah's edge sharply compelled him to.

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#49
Old 11-30-2016, 09:14 PM

Dragging a hand through his hair, Josiah sighed. He knew he acted nothing like the cool boy image he wore. He was so broken though and this list wasn't putting any of those pieces together. It only made their sharp edges more obvious. He turned to refill his water cup. "Sure. Whatever." Shaking his head, Josiah glanced over at Finn again, then away quicker than ever. After what happened, he couldn't bear to look at him, even if he put the events out of mind. There was only so far he could pretend that he didn't want his first kiss, enjoy it, and feel sickened by it at the same time. Looking around, he found the stairs no doubt leading to the roof where they could catch this sunset and one thing more off the list. He didn't care about it right now, but he felt the need to carry through all the same. "Let's watch the sunset then go. If that's what you want...it's fine with me." Anything was, as long as it got him to midnight.

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#50
Old 12-08-2016, 08:24 AM

When he caught Josiah's glance his way Finn felt his own gaze on him intensify and blinked, breaking it.
If that's what I want? You're the one who came up with it for the list. Finn punched his fists into his pockets, biting his lip. After those few minutes of magic, of underwater colours, before the kiss, before the party pooped... Josiah seemed... tired. He had to go on till midnight though, Finn thought with sudden panic. He had to!

"Not long now," he murmured just loud enough for him to hear, swallowing and going towards the stairs. He began mounting, his legs suddenly weighed up as though some of Josiah's weariness had seeped into him as well.

 


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