It was a calm day on Spooner Street. Deceptively calm. If the weather had been more honest, it might have taken the form of a tornado, or a severe thunder storm. Some sort of tempest full of rage and power, long held back, finally breaking forth. You see, one individual on Spooner Street was about to cross that coveted threshold between fantasy and reality. One individual was about to take hold of a dream, by the throat, and pull it down from the heavens, by force if necessary. For months this person had been planning, admittedly poorly at times. In fact, it may be said that at times he simply let go of success. In fact, it may be charged that his continued attempts were more out of habit than an actual desire to succeed. But, none the less, Stewart Gilligan Griffin was plotting, once again, to kill his mother, and, ironic as it may be, he was hatching a plan that would work. Though he would not recognize his success.
Let us look in on Stewie, as he is often called, and witness the amazing story of his attempt at matricide, from (roughly) it's beginning.
It began as Stewie was performing brain surgery upon Lois. How did this happen? How could a middle aged mother be knocked unconcious and cut open by her infant son? Let's chalk it up to the naivete of Lois, or Stewie's cunning nature.
How did Stewie learn to perform brain surgery? He's younger than two years old! Um... Shut up.
As Stewie finished, he sewed his mother's scalp back on. If he had truly wanted to kill her, he might have just ripped her brain apart when he had the chance, but he convinced himself that he wanted to experience the thrill of watching her destroy herself. (No one had the opportunity to tell him that, in a way, by bringing to term the child who would abort her, she would have destroyed herself anyway.) His plan was to open up her skull and, by use of some computerized chips, the severing of certain connections, and the removal of some choice areas of the brain, to hard wire into her mind the will to terminate herself. The procedure had indeed succeeded.
After finishing the stitching, Stewie sent an electrical shock through Lois's body, to bring her back to conciousness.
She began to stir.
"What happened? I think I've got a headache." said she groggily.
"Momma!" shouted Stewie, bursting with excitement, brandishing a sturdy rope. "Momma look! Rope is fun! Have a rope!"
Lois took the rope and tossed it aside. Stewie now became nervous. He feared his experiment had failed.
"Uh, er, eh, look!" He said desperately, grabbing at a blanket. "Swallow it! It's delectable!" he said, dropping his false manner, reverting to panic.
Lois also took this and discarded it.
"Blast! You! I command you to, eh- well, you destroy yourself immediately!"
Lois exited Stewies bedroom, indifferent to this command.
"Damn! This is almost as bad as that time I tried to rob a bank with Hugo Weaving...




.....






Yep, that was not fun at all."

"So then I told her, 'excuse me madam, I have to go to your cans.' hehehehehehehehe." Peter laughed at his own anecdote."You get it?
Cans?
Cause I had like seven beers."
"What? What do you want? What, I'm supposed to laugh at that?" Brian did not appreciate this story. It wasn't very funny, and he knew and liked the woman who was the subject of this story.
"Come on Brian, that's a classic!"
"What? You referring to a wealthy socialite's breasts as a toilet? That's funny?"
".....
Yes?"
"Whatever, I'm going to lick myself inappropriately."
"Peter, I'm leaving you for good." Lois said, sweetly, as she descended the stairs. "Oh, and I'm also taking the kids. Have a nice day, sweetheart."
"Okay, bye." said Peter, indifferently, as he produced a firearm and shot himself in the torso.
"Peter, why did you just kill yourself?"
"Isn't that what you're supposed to do when the wife and kids leave?"
"Peter, suicide is never the solution. You have to face your problems, head on, with a can-do attitude, and... triumph over adversity... and.... get back on the horse. You have to find more fish, because the sea's full of them. You have to find the inspiration to go on. You have to... find God. You have to, ah, what's the word I'm looking for?"
"No, that's good, I'm good. I was just being polite. BBoy am I glad I missed any vital organs."
"Uh... Peter..."
"What?" Peter, at this point, was bleeding profusely from the torso, in roughly the area of the liver.
"Uh, forget it. Hey, why don't we go to the brewery?"
"Yea!!!!!!!" Peter ran to the car and got in immediately.

"Brian, you are the best frind that I every has."
"Peter, wha- that doesn't make any sense."
"Ues et dpes, I'n jist a lottle hummered, so I can't spill rite."
"You.... you can't....."
"Uuuujliik! A fere hydent! I aleays winted to prr on ine luke oyu giys du!" Peter now proceded to urinate on a nearby fire hydrant.
Brian looked angrily at Peter.
"Whut?"
"Are you done now?"
"Huld in. Jyst a sicend. Akmost dine. Yuh, yuh, yuh thire ir is, and niw I'm ajnost, neerly-"
"Peter, maybe you've forgotten but you shot yourself in the liver about three hours ago. If you're about finished, we might take you to the hospital."
"Holy freakin' crap!" Peter rushed toward the car, suddenly sobered by his mortal wound, which by all logic should have claimed his life hours ago.

"Mr. Griffin, you'll be good as new. And for being such a good boy, here's a sweety!" The doctor beamed down at Peter's happy face as he passed the lollipop.
"But you also wet youself," the doctor shouted in fury, "so you'll get no sweeties today!" he ripped the treat from Peter's reaching hands, with a stern, reproachful gaze. Peter began to cry, flailing his arms about in an infantile fashion, desperately seeking to regain his coveted pop. Suddenly, as the futility of his efforts became clear, he turned on Brian, with murder in his eyes.
"You! This is all your fault! You rushed me!"
"Peter, you were dying of a bullet to the liver! What the hell did you want me to do?"
"Don't you 'Peter-you-were-dying-of-a-nyehnyehnyeh' me, Brian! This is your fault!"
"Peter, be reasonable, I think your liver is more important than a lollipop!"
"Oh, so now the truth comes out!" said Peter, his long held suspicions confirmed.
"Oh," said the doctor, suddenly amiable and jovial again, remembering the reason the two had come in in the first place. "About that, he'll be good as new in a couple of days." said the doctor, patting Peter on the head affectionately.
"That's it? You don't need to- I don't know, perform emergency surgery?"
The doctor stared, as if this concept were foreign.
"You're not even going to take the bullet out? What if it has a high lead content? I mean, it's INSIDE his liver!"
Still, the doctor seemed confused.
"How about an X-ray? Can you do an X-ray?"
"Brandon," began the doctor.
"It's Brian."
"Those are all very serious, big-boy procedures. We really can't afford to get all worked up over every bullet wound that crosses our door. Now if he had something severe, like a tummyache, or if he was 'not feeling right' that would be another thing altogether, but in this case, I think procedures like these would do more harm than good."
Brian contemplated this, trying to make sense of it.
"Yeah, doctor, that makes perfect sense. Well, Peter, let's go home."
"Yea!!!!!!!!" said Peter as he began jumping giddily about the examination room. Brian led him out, and the doctor began tidying up for the next patient. Then the door opened, and Brian reappeared.
"Hey, doctor, you don't think you could hand over that lolli-"
"No!"
Peter, enraged, burst through the door.
"You son of a bitch!" Peter exclaimed, as he began beating the doctor about the face and torso, "Teachin' kids you have to earn what you get! You sick piece of crap! I'll teach you a little something buddy!"
"Peter!" Brian shouted, trying to restrain him, "No, don't do this! Think of the rep man! Think of Lois! You said you wouldn't go back on the inside, man, you said!"
Peter's grip slackened, his fists loosened. He stood erect, and glowered at the cowering doctor.
"You're right, Brian. I'll be the better man. But just one last thing before I go," said he, raising a scalpel in a menacing fashion.
"No! Please, I have a wife and children!" shouted the doctor.
"You think that's gonna inspire sympathy?!?" Peter shouted, incredulously, and then he intoned, in barely more than a whisper, full of lethal intent, "You and I have unfinished business." He raised the scalpel, and quickly slashed- through the air, to a rock in his hand. Now he proceded to drag the blade across the rock, dulling the blade, and making an infuriating sound. Once satisfied, he dropped the rock and scalpel by the doctor's feet, and said, in the tone of a threat, "Good day, to you sir. I say, good day." And he billowed out of the room, with Brian running after him.
"Also," said the doctor, facing the audience, which, by the way, forget that the audience exists, "I'm deathly affraid of spiders. Oh, and I'm very wary of foot fungus,I had a very trying experience."

Later, back at the Griffin household, Peter is watching TV as Brian stares incredulously.
"Peter, do you even remember what happened earlier today?"
"Yeah, I got in a fight with that big ass chicken."
"Peter that was a week ago, I'm talking about Lois!"
"What about her?"
"She left you, you idiot!"
"Yeah, you're right, she does have a nice rack."
"That's not at all what I said!"
"Hey, hey, you know who had a better rack though? Liz Taylor. I mean, she really let herself go, but you ever see Shakespeares 'the Taming of the Shrew?'"
Brian was taken aback, this time not only by Peter's stupidity, but also by the possibility he may know something, anything at all, about classical literature.
"You-You've heard of 'the Taming of the Shrew?'"
"Of course I have, Brian. I've heard of everything with boobs, farts, food and beer in it. Oh, and mistreatment of women."
"My god! Peter, you know something about Shakespeare's work!"
"Yeah, and that guy was a freakin genius! Was he the first one to think of that?"
"What, the dynamics of the relationship between a man and his wife? The inequities of the way women were treated in Elizabethan society, and to some extent at least, still are today?"
"No, putting chicks in movies! I don't what the hell you're talking about, but that was genius! One time Cleveland told me they only used to let guys be actors and I though that made perfect sense, but Brian! Guys don't have boobs! Like I said, freakin Shakespeare! What a genius!"
Brian was now infuriated. He jumped onto the couch and punched Peter in the face. His insensitivity was unbearable.
"Ah! Alright! I won't give you a bath again! Ever!" cried Peter.
"Do you even realize that Lois left you? That she took the kids and she's never coming back? Did it never occur to you in all your years of neglect and abuse, of treating her like some sort of sub-human thing, that she wouldn't get up the courage to drop you like the fat sack of crap you are?!?!"
"Oh my god! Brian! You're right! Aw I've been such a jerk to Lois all these years!"

Peter now retreated into his thoughts. He remembered the time they had been stranded on the Atlantic Ocean, in freezing temperatures. There was one piece of wreckage floating on the water's surface large enough to support two humans. He and Lois were swimming toward it.
"Peter, you get on first."
"Lois, what about you?"
"I'll be right behind you. Now let me help you up."
Lois shoved Peter's immense bulk onto the floating refuge.
"Now help me up."
"Uh," said Peter, knowing this meant hard work, "I don't think there's enough room on this for both of us."
"Peter," said Lois, growing impatient "what are you talking about? You've got plenty of room, now help me up!"
"But if you come up I won't have any room for my cotton candy." said Peter, pointing to an unbelievable huge mass of the carnival treat.
"Where- that doesn't- Peter, I'm freezin to death, now help me up right now!"
"What's that? Oh no, I can't hear you Lois, the sound of the ocean is too much! Woe is me I can't help my wife! Goodnight."
"You fat bastard." Muttered Lois angrily.
As Lois swam away, a beautiful mermaid then appeared.
"Holy crap!"
"Hello, Peter, I'm a sexy mermaid and I've never been with one of you fancy human men. If you helped me up I could satisfy my curiosities."
Peter looked around, as if hoping not to be caught. He reached down, offering his hand to her. She climbed up and was revealed to look very much like Lois with a torn shirt. She even had legs, which was odd as far as Peter knew, but then again, how would one have relations with her if she had fish parts?
But of course it was Lois and as soon as she had settled onto the piece of wreckage next to Peter, she began savagely pummeling him. Peter screamed and she eventually grew tired. Peter sat up and looked at her with bedroom eyes.
"Oh Lois, wanna know a good way to keep warm?" Lois, at this comment, punched him in the mouth so hard he was flat on his back again. From this postition he spoke again. "Look, if you're never gonna wanna have sex after I nearly killed you, I don't think this marriage will be very satisfying for either of us."

Another memory popped into Peter's mind. Lois was running for her life from a crazed, human-like machine sent back from the future to kill her. It had her cornered.
"Peter! Help! Push the button! SMASH IT NOW!"
"Hold on, hold on!" said Peter, his attention on a nearby screen. "I think I can get free cable on this thing."
Lois began screaming as if being murdered.
"Oh, no. No. I forgot, I don't know how electrasity works."

Another memory. This time the were standing in front of a boy. He looked about 19. His dark hair swooped to the side of his head, and he had very defined circles under his eyes. He hunched a bit, all the time, and was similar in mannerisms, to a monkey of some sort. Lois was speaking to him. She had her hair cut in a short, boyish way. Peter stood beside her. He was wearing a short black dress with thin straps. Under that he wore a garter belt attached to lacy thigh high leggings. His hair was long, blond, and all hung straight down except for two small pony tails on either side of his head. Lois was in mid-sentence.
"So even you will have to agree, neither of us could be Kira."
"What are you talking about?" Peter asked, confused.
"Shut up!" she muttered.
"No, we're totally the two Kiras. Don't you remember?" said Peter, confused. The other person looked very interested.
"Heh, don't listen to him, he's crazy. Why else would he have those damn pig tails on his head?"
"Come on, don't you remember? We write peoples names into our notebooks and then they die. Did you give it away and lose all your memories or something?" Peter turned to the other person in an aside, "My shinigami told me that can happen."
Lois tried to control her fury. She laughed slightly and asked through gritted teeth "Could I borrow a pen?"

Back in the griffin home, in the present, Brian tapped his foot impatiently. Peter's gaze seemed to return to the room, rather than whatever far off place he had just gone.
"You done?" Brian asked.
"Yeah I'm good."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Brian, there's only one thing I can do. It's time to be a better man, a better husband, a better father, a better quidditch player, and- Oh I just got it. Kate wasn't a shrew at all, but a strong willed woman who needed freedom more than the love of a man but was inevitably broken by a tragically patriarchal system."
"Yeah," said Brian, impressed. "Yeah, that's definitely one way of interpreting it. That's very insightful, Peter. Especially for you.
At precisely this time, the door opened and Stewie stormed in with Chris following.
"We're back!" Chris announced.
"Yes, I'm sure they didn't notice, what with the bloody door open, and that accursed way you breathe louder than anything in hearing range. Bravo. It looks like we have a front run for the new Mel, or Mark. Whatever her name was."
"What do you mean you're back?" Said Brian with shock, "Lois seemed so upset. Where is she? where's Meg?"
"She just told Stewie and me to walk back here. I guess she doesn't like us anymore." Said Chris in a dejected voice.
"What, alone? That's not like Lois at all! To just send her kids away, and without any thought for their safety, Peter there's something wrong here." Concluded Brian seriously.
"Yeah, I know! I mean she kept MEG!"
Brian reached up and slapped Peter.
"Come on! We've got to get out there and find her before this goes any further!"
"Just a second," said Peter, pointing at the television, "I've always been curious about natural male enhancement."
Brian muttered something obscene under his breath and slammed the door behind him.

Worry wracked Brian's mind as he sat in the passenger seat of a big rig. He had managed to hail a charitable trucker and now he was on his way to see Lois, to find out what was wrong with her.
"So yeh says yer lookin fer a lady?"
"Yes sir, I am. I think she really needs some help right now, and I'm the only one to do it." said Brian resolutely.
"Yer a good boy te come all this way. Picked yeh up, what was it, round Quahog? And yeh was coming all this way to St. Louie."
"St. Louis?!?"
The trucker pointed to the city.
"Damn it! I knew I should have told you where I was going."
"'s usually a good thing to say. So where did you want to go?"
Brian looked blankly at him. "Damn it! I should have asked Chris! Look, can you take me back to Quahog?"
"Sure I kin fella! But it'll cost yeh."
"How much? $20?"
"Oh no feller, yer money ain't no good here" said the trucker, pulling out a switch blade.
Brian screamed.
"I want yer kidney!"
"Oh, that's different. Wait, why do you want a dog's kidney?"
"My brother got diabetes. Needs a new kidney."
"But like I said, I'm a dog. My kidney won't help your brother! Why don't you give him a kidney?"
"He were my half brother. An 'e's got 'im a neighbor what's got a dog got diabetes, needs a new kidney."
"So what? You want to give my kidney to his dog?"
"No, dog's gonna die. Nope he's tryin' ter build 'im a whatchacallit, Frankenstein-like monstrosity, build 'imself a new dog. But he ain't got but the one kidey."
Brian sighed. This made no sense to him, but he needed to find Lois. "Fine, whatever, just take me back."

It was around 1:00a.m. in the tiny motel room. On a normal night Lois and Meg would both be asleep, in their own beds, at home. But this night they were awake in this seedy room, talking long into the night. It was then that Brian burst in.
"Brian!" Lois said "What are you doing here?"
"Trying to talk some sense into you!"
"How'd you find us?" Meg asked.
"This is the same place we all stayed when that reality TV thing got out of control, so I went to the front desk and asked if you'd checked in. If I hadn't found you I was going to check every inn in Quahog."
"But how'd you get back from St. Louis?" she asked.
"What? How do you-"
"Oh my god! Brian, you're bleeding! Come on, we need to disinfect that!"
"Heh, yeah, that was, uh, I kind of sold my-"
Lois forced him into the bathroom sink and pulled out some dish soap. "The new extra strength formula powers through baked on blood and infection!"
"Lois, I don't think that's going to- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" As the soap came into contact with his blood, Brian screamed with pain.
"Mom, maybe we should just use some iodine."
"That's a very good idea, dear. Such a smart girl." Lois gave up with the dish soap and grabbed the iodine.
"Look, Lois, you've got to come back with me. If you won't do it for Peter, do it for your kids. Stewie and Chris need someone to look after them. And we both remember what happened last time Peter tried his hand at being a single father."
Brian was thinking of a time when peter had been asked to look after a little girl while her parents were out for the night.
"So, you wanna get smashed?" he had asked.
"What's that?" the girl had wondered.
"It's when you drink this magic water and everything you hate turns into boobs." he had told her.
"Nu uh! Let me try! Wow! You really did turn into boobs!"
"I told ya!"
"Bet my mom and dad turned into boobs!" she had said defiantly.
"Why?"
"Cause they're mean! They won't let me play with daddy's axe!"
"Aw jeez! You gonna take that? Cause-cause I wouldn't take that. You know what you should do, Lizzie? You should just slap em around a little bit. Show em who's boss."
"I can't do that. That would be really bad."
"Oh. Sorry, I thought I was talking to Lizzie Borden, but I guess I'm talking to his wussier little sister."
"I don't have a sister."
"False alarm, apparently I'm talkin to a little girl."
"Yes, I'm a girl!" said Lizzie Borden, now enraged.
"Then act like a man!"
"Fine! I will! And tomorrow you'll hear all about it because I'm gonna kill my parents!" she said furiously.
"Jeez! What's your problem? You shouldn't get so worked up over this stuff. It's just a stupid axe."
"I," she contemplated the situation, slowly calming down, "I guess you're right."
Peter watched her regain her senses. "Wuss."

"Yes, Brian, we all know Peter's a bit challenged, but he'll just have to make do as best he can." said Lois.
"I've got a wonderful daughter right here, and a lot of lost time to catch up on. Right Meg?"
"Mom, you're the best!" said Meg, choked up with emotion. In all her life she wouldn't have immagined that such a thing might happen, that either of her parents might choose her over the others. And she had never thought she might actually be able to escape that mad house with her youth. It was a dream come true. Like all her wishing and dreaming had finally taken effect.
"But what about Peter? He won't last a day without you! Remember when he was the commander of SG-1?"

"I've done it, SG-1! I've found the lost city of Atlantis!" shouted Peter.
"No," said Samantha Carter, "that's Antarctica."
"No, because it froze over. It's under the ice."
"That doesn't make any sense. It's a solid glacier." said Daniel Jackson.
"It's a lost city!" said Peter stubbornly.
Samantha nodded at Teal'c, who knocked Peter unconscious.
"Great," said Teal'c. "Now we need a new one."
Samantha spoke up. "I hear that guy from Farscape's pretty good."
Daniel replied curtly, "God, Samantha, you'll do anything to get in his pants!"

"I'm sure Peter will figure things out for himself." said Lois.
Brian waited as if for the second half of the sentence. "Really? You're sure? Do you want to see that clip again?"
"Brian, I made the decision and I did it because I think it's what's best for my family, and what's best for me."
"Ah, Lois, if you won't come back for Peter, or the kids, then come back for me. Please, I can't stand Peter if he hasn't got you to keep him at least functionally sane. Please."
"Brian, that's very sweet, but I've made my decision, and you should respect that."
Brian realized there was no fighting this. She had made her choice, and she wouldn't back down. There was only one thing for it.
"Alright, fine. But you should respect my decision to stay."
"What?"
"Oh please mom? I'll feed him and pet him and play with him every day!" said Meg, hugging Brian.
"Hi, I'm Brian, I can talk. Meg, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Shut up and go with it." Meg muttered, so only Brian could hear clearly.
"Oh, alright sweetheart. If you want him to stay, he can stay." said Lois, and she walked away.
"Meg, that worked!"
"Yeah, mom's kind of crazy now. But she really likes to make me happy. You just kind of have to play her game sometimes."
"Why did you help me like that, though?"
"Because I like you. You treat me like-"
"Like an adult?"
"Like a human."
"Oh, yeah. That. Well don't worry Meg, I'm going to get Lois to see reason and your family will be together again."
"Ha! Good luck. Mom finally got sick of them, just like me. I don't think she wants to go back. Forget them Brian. I already did. I'm like, Stewie Who?"
"Meg, you can't turn you back on your family like that." said Brian, sympathetically.
"Why not? They did it to me." she said, shrugging and exiting as her mother had.

"Fat man!" Stewie shouted. Several days had passed since Lois had left. Brian hadn't been seen around the Griffin home since that day. "Fat man! Blast! Where is he?" With Peter running the household, things had degraded, and on Stewie it showed. His clothes were stained, his hair disheveled, and a short, thick stubble had taken hold on his face.
"Hey, Stewie. Are you hungry?" Chris asked, noticing his cries.
"Am I hungry-OF COURSE I'M HUNGRY YOU DOLT! THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY FOOD IN THE HOUSE FOR WEEKS!"
"But mom only left on Tuesday." said Chris, confused.
"Well," said Stewie, feeling a bit embarassed, "It, it seems like it's been weeks. I didn't actually mean it's literally been... SHUT UP! You're the one who said it!" Stewie lied. "I mean how can I be expected to tell time? Look at this, look at this," he said, grabbing his shirt "Do you know what you had for breakfast yesterday? Well I do! Let's see what we have here," he said, examining a stain on his shirt "That looks like a bit of baking soda, and here, what's this, I think that's a crumb of a Cheeto, and this appears to be a beer nut. A BEER NUT!" Stewie shouted indignantly "People get better food than this in prison!" said Stewie, remembering the time he spent on the inside.

He remembered sitting at a table with his subordinates. A motley crew of Latinos, Irishmen, Sicilians and Blacks. Wait, I'm sorry, that was insensitive, African Americans.
"Hey," he said to a passing Aryan, "Give me your orange."
"This is my orange, get your own!" the Aryan had said back.
"Hey, hey, you wanna make somethin of it, prag? Or you wanna give me that ***kin orange?"
"Man, ***k you!" the Aryan had said, throwing the orange at Stewie.
"Griffin, man," said one of the men surrounding Stewie, "You gonna let them Nazis disrespect you like that?"
Stewie contemplated for a moment. "No, no. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Rupert, you're gonna hit the mail room."
"Griffin, man, no disrespect man, but, he's a ***kin teddy bear."
"I know that ****stain! That's why we're sendin him! Cause unlike you clowns he's got finesse! He's got subtlety, and they'll never suspect the teddy bear..."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

"Oh, you were on OZ?" Chris asked, impressed.
"Yeah, around the third season. I was in about 3 eps," said Stewie amicably.
"Why only 3?"
"Well my character killed a C.O. Got the death penalty because he looked to cool at the trial, didn't go over with the judge. ***kin bitch."
"You know, I never really watched that show, I always meant to, but it was on so late."
"Yeah, I know, and then just when you really get into it they cancel it." There was a silent pause, then Stewie shouted again, "And look at this! Look at this stubble! I shouldn't even HAVE stubble! Look! I've got-what is this," he counted, " eight, nine, ten hairs on my head! I mean what the hell?"
"Why don't you come with me and I'll get you something to eat and clean pair of clothes."
"Yes, yes, but first sir I think, a shave." sang Stewie.
"The closest I ever gave." sang Chris. He whistled.
"You're in a merry mood today." Stewie muttered.
"'Tis your delight sir, catching fire, from one man to the next!" said Chris in song.
"'Tis true sir, love can still inspire, the blood to pound a heartleap higher! What more, can man require than love sir?"
"More than love sir? Women."
"Ah yes, women."
"Pretty women." Chris continued. "And who may it be said, is your intended sir?"
"My waaaaard. Pretty little rosebud." said Stewie.
"Pretty as her mother?" Chris asked.
"What was that?"
"Nothing sir."
"Hey! You're that barber!" said Stewie.
"You got me!"
"Oh, oh my god! That's, wow! You almost got me! Wow! you had me in the chair and everything! Hey, you were going to slit my throat weren't you?" asked Stewie, impressed.
"Yeah, I was." said Chris in good humor. "you were too smart for that though."
"Well thank heavens you made that comment about her mother, I'd be a goner. You, barber, you're just too much." said Stewie, getting up and walking to the door. "I'll see you later. Man, that was good."
"Oh, you're coming back?" asked Chris happily.
"Yeah, I'll be back in a minute with a bunch of my cronies, so they can beat a confession out of you. The are never going to believe me otherwise."
"Okay, see you in a few then." called Chris jovially.

lol funny Family guy is soooo good.

.....

Is it bad of me that this just reminds me of spam? Like the kind that the Pangolin Guild was once famous for? (Although much "comedy" on TV today is spam....) Seriously, though. It's good in that it RESEMBLES Family Guy... XD Apart from that, though... :lol:

Peter was sitting in the Drunken Clam with his pals, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe. They were, of course, trying to console Peter, now that his marriage was dissolving.
"It's not so bad, Peter. When Loretta left me, I found I really enjoyed the freedom I never knew I didn't have."

Cleveland was remembering one particular night, when he had been sitting in front of the television, with a beer in his hand, sipping it as he watched the screen. Before he had anticipated, the beer had run out.
"Oh no. I don't want to hold onto this can if it's empty. But I don't want to miss the quality programming of Fox Monday Nights. The Most Dangerous Night On Television. I'd be remiss if I missed. It."
He looked left, he looked right. No one around.
He set the can down on the coffee table in front of him.
"I'll just properly dispose of you at the commercial."
A pause.
"Oh, there's the commercial, better take care of that can."
He reached for it, then hesitated.
"No. I don't think I will. I think I'm going to leave that can there until my program is over. In fact I might leave that can there until tomorrow morning."
"You better not leave that can there until tomorrow morning!" said Loretta, "I don't want your damn beer cans all over my house!"
Cleveland became enraged, seized the can, and hurled at Loretta, hitting her in the face.
"I'm going out!" he said, pulling on a long leather coat, lighting a cig, and mussing his hair, all with a scowl, as he moved to the door.
"And I'll call when I get there, but I'm going to be so short with you, you'll almost wish something had happened to me! That'll show you!"

"Yeah Peter," said Quagmire, "You can do anything you want now! You're a free man! You could even have sex with Lois-Oh that wasn't good."
Peter lowered his dejected gaze and drank from his mug again.
"Who needs her anyway?" said Joe, consolingly. "I mean, Peter, she steals, she smokes behind your back, she's a known narcotics dealer, she wanted in three states and she comes over to make out with Bonnie whenever you're not around."
"The perfect woman..." said Quagmire dreamily.
"I know, Joe," Peter said, "she used to do all that stuff for me, and now she's gone."
"Peter, as your friend, I'm tellin you you have to get past it, put her behind you. And as a cop I'm tellin you you SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT BUDDY!" said Joe as he pulled his nightstick and clubbed Peter in the back of the head, knocking him into his drink. He sat up with shards of glass protruding from his face.
"Hey, Joe, Cleveland, Quagmire, you're right! I shouldn't be sittin here feelin sorry for myself! I should be gettin back out there! I'm a bachelor, and no one parties, like a bachelor..."
Peter rose, and removed his shirt and belt, whipping them around wildly. Cleveland and Joe looked around in shock, not knowing what to do to contain their friend.
"How would that work though?" Quagmire asked, "With Lois in back? Unless you can like loop it around behind you or something. Or is she..." his face said that the thought was too horrible to express. Then his features softened. "Never mind, I don't care."
Joe and Cleveland stopped and slowly directed their gazes toward Quagmire.
"What?" Quagmire asked "Haven't you ever heard that love is blind?" They did not relent. "I mean, uh, God what a bitch, leaving Peter like that."
They looked slightly less shocked, but still focused their attentions on Quagmire.
"Look!" Quagmire shouted "Peter's causing havoc!"
Cleveland and Joe ran in the direction Quagmire had pointed, and Quagmire at last knew relief.

They had found their way to make-out point, where all the high-schoolers had parked their cars in search of their first sexual experience (in general, or of the night, as the case may be).
Joe stopped, and the others stopped, wondering why.
"Sorry fellas, but we can't all be here."
"Come on Joe," Peter protested, "what're ya talkin about?"
"Yeah Joe," Cleveland added, "we're four happenin bachelors out on the beat, lookin to score some sweet young thang."
"That's all good fun, but it doesn't take much to realize there's one person here who can't be trusted."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Quagmire asked, meeting Joe's fixed stare.
"Quagmire," Joe said, "I'm still your buddy, but I can't let you be here."
"You know," Peter said, "Joe's kind of right."
"What? Come on! You were on my side just a second ago!"
"Well," Cleveland said, "It's just that you," he stopped, not wanting to say what he was thinking, for fear of hurting his friend's feelings. "Well, you kind of..."
"Would have sex with a tree if it had an orifice you could hump." Peter finished.
Quagmire was silent for a moment.
"So? Is that so wrong? Are you guys going to deny me that right?"
The other three looked ground ward.
"Well I guess it's times like these you're privileged to know what your friends really think of you. Thank you all, very much!" With that he stormed off into the night.
"So you wanna start knockin on some windows?" Peter asked.
"Sure," said Cleveland, "Maybe if we're lucky we'll catch some teen aged couple in mid-coitus, and we can watch their humorous antics as they try to cover themselves."
"Yep," Joe agreed, "As long as it's good clean fun without any statutory."
They knocked on the first window they came across. The girl inside looked out.
"Mr. Swanson?"
"Huh?" Joe seemed taken aback.
"Hey, Joe, you know her?" Peter asked, "What? She like babysit your kids?"
"I don't have young kids, Peter. No this is Shelly, she used to be friends with my son in grade school. Right Shelly?"
"You have a son? Oh God that would be so creepy if we were friends! You know, because of how we-" but she didn't finish the sentence, as Joe pulled her from the car and threw her into a garbage can, knocking her unconscious.
"Hey!" shouted the boy in the car. "That was my date!"
"I did you a favor kid! She gets yeast infections like nobody's business. Here, have this one, on the house."
And Joe produced from his pants pocket a slutty looking girl in a short skirt and a very small top.
"Hey," she said, noticing the boy. "Okay, three-fifty for one go, fifteen for the night."
"Awesome! Thanks Mr. Swanson!" said the boy.
Joe turned back to Peter and Cleveland, who were now both very shocked and confused.
"I'm gonna," Joe started, "I mean, Bonnie's gonna... left the stove on..." and with that he disappeared.
"So do you want to go to the school?" Ceveland asked, "I hear they're putting on a production of Macbeth tonight."
"Nah, this new attitude isn't working out for me Cleveland. I think I'll just go try to get Lois to take me back."
"Oh. Okay, well good luck with that. Cause I'm gonna go see me some Macbeth."

Brian set down a large box for a momentary rest. It had already been a long day. Meg and Lois passed him, carrying a sofa toward the new home. It was a nice place. Very swanky. Whatever that means. I really just threw that in as a joke. So, anyway... yeah this moving stuff is boring. You wanna go and grab some french fries? Or maybe chicken fingers? Oh chicken fingers sound so good. I haven't actually eaten anything all day. See, at breakfast there was this guy who had run out of gas. Yeah, I helped him, but then my eggs were all cold and it was like "Ooh yea! Cold eggs!" So I just decided I'd have a big lunch.
But then when I was going to make some lunch I realized I didn't have any clean plates. Then by the time I got them all loaded into the dishwasher the spouse and kids were back, and you know how that goes.
Oh, you know what else sounds good? Fish heads. Oh god fish heads. Have you ever had them? No?
You poor sod.
I love to smother them in tobasco and honey. It's so good.
"Hey, you wanna get back to the story? Because honestly I'm kind of sick of standing here waiting to pick this box up."
Hey, look at this. Look at the little dog. He thinks he's a big shot, eh dog?
"I wasn't saying that, I was just saying I'm kind of annoyed. I mean this is our whole world you're putting on hold so you can have idle conversation with your friend there."
"He's right, it is kind of inconsiderate."
Shut up Lois! No one asked you!
"God, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
You know it's pretty easy for the narrator to write you out, Meg!
"Oh that's real mature! Let's threaten a few more people! You know, that's why you're not a real character!"
THAT IS NOT COOL BRIAN! Just then Brian decided he was a fat bastard and would never EVER say that the narrator wasn't a real character again!
"God, I"m such a fat bastard. Look, that's not fair. You're the most important character there is, I mean, no one's more important than the narrator." said Brian. "Damn it! Stop putting words in my mouth!"
Then Brian decided to shut the hell up.

...

"So what are we supposed to-" Just then Lois decided to stop asking stupid questions!

...


And took off her shirt.
"Gosh, it's so hot out here. Meg, do you mind if I take my blouse off?"
Meg was cool for once and didn't screw this up for the narrator!
"No."
No, no. Lois stopped, putting her blouse back the way it was. Then she began removing it again, seductively, slowly, thinking of the narrator, burning to touch herself. That would come later, but for now-
"That's it. She put her blouse back on because she'd had enough of this."
"Yeah! I can pick up this box if I want! Brian picked up the box and went inside. And I'm not fat!"
Hey! Don't you walk away from me!
All three of them came back to the narrator, begging on hands and knees, because they now realized how uncool they were!

...

Th-they came crawling back!

Please don't go...

Stupid Lois and stupid Brian continued moving into their handsome new stupid home.
"Meg too!" Lois said firmly.
MEG TOO!
"Gosh Lois, I can't believe you got this place for such a steal!" Brian said.
"Well Brian, I guess it's just one of the perks of owning a new real estate agency." Lois said.
"You're really doing well for youself, I'm impressed!"
"Mom," Meg started, "how did you get a real estate agency?"
"Ahahaha," Lois laughed airily, "Don't ask questions when you don't want to know the answers dear," she replied lightly.
She walked into the house, carrying an armload of possessions, leaving Brian and Meg staring after her in disbelief and confusion.
As Meg adjusted the things in her arms, trying to right herself, Brian intervened.
"Here, let me get some of this stuff for you."
"But you've got all that to carry," she replied, indicating the full load Brian was carrying.
"Oh, that's nothing. We dogs can carry ten times our body weight," he said.
"Isn't that ants?"
"Uh... yeah. Dogs too though."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Who told you that?"
"Uh... Antagone?"
"Oh, she knows all about ants and stuff. Okay," Meg said, heaping everything into Brian's arms and walking back to the truck.
Brian struggled just to hold everything above the ground. Meg walked past with a much lighter load.
"Come on Brian, you're still carrying all that?"
An angry Brian made his way inside. He set down everything he was carrying and then collapsed onto the floor.
Meg came in and stared down at him.
"You can't really lift ten times your body weight can you?"
"Uh, no. I cannot." he said from the floor.
"Here, I have this stuff. It'll help with the pain."
She tossed a vial with an imposing symbol.
"Meg, what's this?"
"Just try it you wuss."
"Fair enough."
Brian injected it into his arm. Immediately he sprouted hulking muscles and had boundless energy.
"RAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Brian seized a table anda dresser in one hand, and a ridiculously large safe, with a Spaniard inside, in the other.
"Oooh! Wait!" Meg exclaimed.
Brian stopped for a moment, with wild eyes, breathing hard.
Meg put a black mask on Brian. His eyes now looke red, and his mouth was covered in a white shape.
"Now say 'I will break you,'" Meg said giddily.
"I WILL BREAK YOU!" Brian said, seizing the Spaniard, by the thigh and shoulder, and breaking his back over his knee.
"Oh my God!" Meg said, coming to the Spaniard's side, "I'm so sorry!"
"No, senora, it is okay. I enjoy a good reference joke. I will be fine, as long as I have that memory to sustain me through my recovery." he said through the pain. Just then Brian threw a lamp. It hit the ground near the Spaniard's head with great force.
"Wow," Meg said, "that was lucky."
"Yes, it was. If that floor lamp had flown at a slightly lower angle, it might have hit me in the head, causing memory loss by amnesia, taking the memory of you destructive yet hilarious Bane reference from me."
"Well, I bet you're glad that didn't happen."
"Very." said the Spaniard. "Well," he said, getting up and brushing himself off, "I should be on my way. I have a plain to catch back to my native Ghana."
"But I thought you were a Spaniard."
"I am, senorita, but I was born in Ghana."
"That's odd."
"Yes, well, that's how things go sometimes. Well, goodbye."

Later, the three of them sat around the dinner table.
"Lois," Brian exclaimed, "This is the best steak I've ever tasted! How did you do this?"
"Oh it was nothing, Brian, I just cooked it."
"It must have been more than that. You went straight into the kitchen once we were unloaded," Brian said.
"Well of course I did. But it's no big deal."
"Lois, you should relax a little."
"Yeah mom, you should chill out. This girl at school, her mom was working like all the time, and then she snapped and went crazy."
"Meg, that's awful!" Lois said with concern, "What happened to her?"
"Well," Meg said, "remember last year when dad almost died?"

This incident had seen Meg, Lois, Brian, Stewie and Chris tied up together, with a woman in spandex painted with pinstripes and a briefcase emblem emblazened on her chest, gloating about her evil plan.
"Now nothing will stop my plan for global domination!"
Peter then crashed in through the window.
"You're clocked out, Over Kill."
"Ah, Gaseous Blimp," she said. Peter tittered. "Yes, very amusing, Gaseous Blimp, I'm impressed. But you have failed this time. This time, I cannot be stopped!"
"Um, about that, what makes you think kidnapping my family is going to help you take over the world?"
"Uh..."
"And why did you call me Gaseous Blimp? I mean we just met just now."
"Then how did you know-"
"And seriously I don't think Over Kill works. I mean I guess I get the overtime thing, but it just seems a little far removed. I don't think people are going to see the connection."
"You bastard! You never support me! All you can ever do is find fault with me! I'll never be good enough for you, will I?"
"Uhm..."
"You son of a bitch! My mother was right about you! Why do I love you?"
"Peter!" Brian tried to grab his attention, "Compliment her outfit."
"Uh, I like your..." Peter searched for something, "shoes?"
"Good one dad!" Chris cheered.
"Oh!" she said through tears, surprised. "You-you like them? I just picked them up on sale at Payless."
"Oh that store is great!" Peter said.
She laughed through her sorrow. "Yeah, they have really great deals. Hank, why don't we talk like this anymore?"
"Uh," Peter didn't know how to react.
"Just go with it, Peter."
"Um, I don't know?" Peter ventured.
"Well, you know, there's something else we haven't done in awhile." she said with bedroom eyes.
"Aw sweet!"
"That's enough Peter," Lois protested.
The super villainesse turned on Lois.
Peter lost his balance and fell, unintentionally, upon her, knocking her out and pinning her to the floor.
"Peter! You did it!" Brian shouted.
"Uh... yeah. I did, didn't I?"

"Her children went to school with you?" Lois said incredulously.
"Yeah. But, I mean, no one knew it was her." Meg said.

This is funny to me. I've really fallen into the pattern of a little bit of story, then a random gag, and a little story, random gag, etc. It really is like Family Guy.

So they're still around the dinner table.
"Lois, I still think you need to be a part of Stewie and Chris's lives, but I really hope we'll all be happy here."
"Brian, I couldn't http://www.menewsha.com/inventory.php
Itemsbe more satisfied with how things are going," Lois said.
"You guys, this is so cool!" Meg exclaimed, "We're like a family. A real, actual family!"
She got up and hugged both Brian and her mother.
"Well, I'm really happy too, Meg. We really are a family."
"I'm glad to hear you say that Brian." Said Lois, placing her hand on Brian's. Brian returned her gaze.

The next day, Meg came back from school. Because she had gone. She was in tears and furious.
"Meg, what's wrong?" Brian asked. He was the only one home, as Lois was still at work.
"Connie D'Amico said I was a fat cow! And then everyone in history laughed, and at lunch everyone had a cow bell!"
"Cow bell? How did they get cow bells?"
"I don't know!" she wailed.
"Look, Meg, there's nothing wrong with your body," Brian said consolingly.
"Yes there is! I'm a fat ugly cow!"
"Meg, Connie D'Amico probably hasn't eaten in three years!"
"I know! She's perfect!"
"Meg, do you really want to be like that?"
"Of course I do! Who doesn't want to be pretty and popular?"
"Look, if you were thinner, and had nicer clothes, and more people looked up to you, would you want to treat people like Connie D'Amico does?"
Meg paused. Her tears had paused and she looked into Brian's face.
"What do you mean?" she asked with a trembling voice "What does that have to do with it?"
"Well do you think it's right the way she treated you?"
"No! It was horrible!"
"Do you think she's a good person?"
"No! She's a horrible bitch!"
"And what about all the people who rang cow bells at you at lunch? Do you think they're good people?"
"No. They're as bad as Connie."
"Then why do you need their approval?"
"It's not that, it's just that," she gave pause for the desperate sadness of her situation. "No one ever likes me, Brian. No one ever treats me like I'm good, or special, or not horrible! Even mom hardly did until she left dad! And just when I was feeling like everything had changed, they all just laughed at me for something I can't even change."
"Listen Meg, I know it's tough, but you don't need their approval. There are people who will love you and care for you because of who you are, not how you look. Like your mother and me."
"Wow."
"What?"
"I just realized you're like what dad should have been. You're really like a father, Brian."
"Oh God, that makes that episode where we made out so creepy."
"Yeah, I know. Look, thanks Brian. I never really thought of it that way."
"The next time they say things like that to you, just remember you're a better person. You don't need them, and you're better without them."
Meg hugged Brian. "Thank you, so much. That really helps." She then went to her room, still depressed and angry, but hopeful.

"Hey Brian," Lois said, as she walked in the door.
"Hey Lois."
"Where's Meg?"
"Oh, she's probably still in her room."
"Did she have a lot of homework?"
"No, there was a thing, a bunch of kids made fun of her at school."
"What?" Lois said with rage.
"Yeah, they called her fat, and, um, somehow they all got their hands on some cowbells. It sounded pretty bad."
"Oh my God!"
"It's okay though, I talked to her, and she seemed a lot better after. I think I really got through to her."
"I better go talk to her."
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea."

Lois knocked on the door.
"Come in." Meg said.
"Meg? Brian told me what happened. You wanna talk about it?"
"I'm okay."
"Are you sure? That was really cruel what they did to you."
"Yeah, it was. But I don't need them to like me."
"That's really grown up of you Meg."
"Well Brian said something, that made me see, I don't like Connie, and I don't want to be her friend."
"He's pretty smart sometimes."
"I'm really glad to have him around, mom."
"Me too, sweetie. Me too."
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"How do you stay so thin?"
"Meg, I thought you decided you didn't need their approval."
"I know. But..."
"Honey, you don't have to worry about that. You're beautiful just the way you are."
She got up, kissed Meg on the forehead and walked out, and down the stairs.
"Brian, you're amazing," she praised.
"Well I'm just glad she's feeling better."
"She said she's really glad to have you around."
"Well, like I said, I'm just glad I could help."
"I'm glad to have you around too, Brian."
"Well thanks Lois, that means a lot to me."
"Do you want to go get something to eat?"
"Oh, sure!" Brian said "That would be great!"

They sat at a booth in a high end establishment.
"Wow. Lois this is pretty impressive. How'd you get reservations on such short notice?"
"I've got some connections now, Brian."

When they had arrived, Lois had approached the owner of the restaurant.
"Hey Louie, can I get a table?"
"Huh? Who are you? How do you know my name?"
She grabbed him by the hair.
"Give me a reservation or I'll rip every hair on your head right out!"
"FINE! YOU CAN HAVE A TABLE!"
She let go.
"Oh, thanks. It's so sweet of you to squeeze me in like this."
"Is the smoking section alright?"
Lois brandished a knife, testing it's sharpness.
"What am I talking about? Here's an opening in the non-smoking section!" said Louie with a nervous smile.

"Lois, you're really flourishing! Ever since-" Brian stopped himself. He didn't want to admit what he was thinking, at least not to Lois.
"Ever since I left Peter."
"Uh, yeah." Brian said, uncomfortably. "Do you ever miss him?"
"Well, after being married for so many years, I do sometimes. Sometimes it just feels so lonely sleeping alone in such a big bed."
"Maybe you should go back to him."
"Brian, it's not that I have any hard feelings or anything, I just don't think it was working with Peter and me."
"But why? What made you leave?"
"I'm not sure. I was just doing some house work and it kind of hit me. I just didn't feel like I should be with Peter anymore. Like I really never should have been with Peter."
"I'm happy to see things going so well for you, but I still don't understand. And I really think Meg is benefiting from all this, but you've got two other children. Have you forgotten about Stewie and Chris?"
"Stewie and Chris will be okay. Stewie's so young, and Chris is really smart when he wants to be. But Meg has always wanted to be special. I wanted to give her that for once."
"Lois, that's really moving."
"It's what my little girl needs."
"What about what you need?"
Lois paused briefly, choosing her words.
"How about we just enjoy dinner and each others' company." She said, placing her hand, again, on his, trying to convey a message of affection.
Brian looked at her in surprise.

Peter was hiding in the foliage of a wealthy neighborhood. From here he had a good view of the front door of a house owned by Lois Griffin. He was waiting for her to emerge, so that he could, hopefully, approach her. He might have just knocked on the door, but somehow watching and waiting for her to emerge seem like a safer, more effective idea. Peter never was one for logic. Or tact. Or not-coming-off-as-a-creepy-potential-serial-killer. Still, he had to have Lois back. So he waited.
"Okay," Quagmire said, "So here's the plan. You start talking to her, and tell her if she loves you, she'll do you one last time, and if she doesn't love you she should drink this. I put a rufie in it, so it'll knock her out and then we gegoogity her geshmoygens and gemoygus her gingus all we want and she'll never know. Then, while you're doin' her, I'll come at you with the nerve gas and haver her all to myself."
"Huh?' Peter asked.
"I mean... you're a very good friend Peter. I would never harm you."
"God Quagmire, you goin gay or somethin? Cause that sounded a little gay."
"I was just saying I value your friendship!"
"Oh really? Cause I coulda sworn I heard something about gay homosexual fantasies of you having sex with me which is gay cause we're both guys."
"I never said that Peter, I was just telling you my plan to knock you out and have my way with your ex-wife!"
"'way with my ex-wife,' sounds pretty normal. Almost too normal," said Peter, eye-ing Quagmire suspiciously.
"Peter, I notice we've been sitting here for three hours. Why don't we go knock on the door and grab her already?"
"Because, Quagmire, that's not the plan."
"Then what is the plan?"
"We'll sit here and wait, and when she comes out I'll beg her to come back home with me to the house I own where she has no say and it's much less nice than this in every way I can see. Then she'll have no choice. She'll never be able to resist bait like that."
"Then what the hell am I doing here?" asked Quagmire in confusion.
"You're here to keep an eye on Cleveland."
"And why's Cleveland here?" Quagmire asked, even more confused.
"Because when I told him Joe was coming he said he didn't want to be left out."
"Why's Joe here?" Quagmire asked, even more confused.
"I brought him along because he's a cop, and Over Kill won't make any trouble when the cops are around."
"Is that this chick with the spandex?"
"Yeah."
"So why's she here?"
"She said she barely feels like my arch nemesis anymore, because we never spend any time together, so I let her tag along."
"Then why's that giant chicken here?"
"Oh God, he gets jealous like you wouldn't believe!"
"And why's Meg here?"
"Because Over Kill made her daughter, that's Stacy, she had to come along because she couldn't find a sitter, and she wanted Meg to come along so she could feel better than someone."
"So where's this Stacy girl?"
"She's at home, because it turns out she's got a huge English paper due in like, three days and she hadn't even started it."
Quagmire looked to Over Kill, who nodded.
"So why's this girl here?" asked Quagmire, pointing a girl about Meg's age who he'd never met before.
"Oh, she was going to be Stacy's sitter, but then her boyfriend dumped her and she really needed some cheering up, so we let her come along."
"And who's that guy next to her?"
"That's her boyfriend. They made up in the car on the way here."
"What sense does that make?!?" Quagmire asked, bewildered, "And what the hell is Adam West doing here?"
"He said he's really good at these stake out jobs, so I told him he could come along."
"And why's Adam West In His Batman Costume here?"
"Sorry about that fellows," said Adam West, "but we were in the middle of a debate and he refused to let me leave."
"I'm telling you," said Adam West In His Batman Costume, "Cavemen don't stand a chance against astronauts!"
"Of course they do!" protested Adam West, "They harness the power of fire!"
"Ah," said Adam West In His Batman costume, "but you forget, astronauts are masters of zero-gravity combat!"
"No matter!" said Adam West, "Their primitive Gods will conquer your zero-gravity!"
"I think not, my friend," said Adam West In His Batman Costume, "For all astronauts, as you will recall, are equipped with this magic God-repelling rock." He held out a normal looking stone.
Adam West sighed. "Touche."
"So then why's Heath Ledger here?"
Everyone looked back and forth between each other. Then everyone looked at Heath Ledger.
"And why's Haley Joel Osment here?" added Quagmire.
"I-I'm with him." said Heath Ledger, pointing at Adam West In His Batman Costume.
"No you're not! We've never met!" said Adam West In His Batman Costume.
"But, I'm the Joker. Long time arch nemesis?"
"I think not!" said Adam West In His Batman Costume, " The jig is up, my jesting friend, and it appears that you, in fact, are he who has been nemesied."
"Is that even a word?" asked Peter.
"No," said Heath Ledger, "Nemesis is a noun, not a verb."
"Hey, wait a minute," said Peter, "aren't you dead?"
"Huh?" asked Heath Ledger, "Me? Dead? No way. I think I would know if I were dead."
"Oh," said Quagmire, as it finally occurred to him, "Now I get the Haley Joel Osment thing."
"You know," said Peter, "that's not that funny."
"Yeah, it isn't," agreed Quagmire, "that's pretty weak."
"It would have been better if that movie was more recent," said Cleveland, "Then you wouldn't have to spell it all out like that."
"No," said Peter, "not really very funny at all."
"But-" started Haley Joel Osment.
"Come on, Haley Joel," said Heath Ledger, looking dejected, "forget it. It's pretty clear we're not welcome here."
They both turned and began walking away. Then Heath Ledger turned. "Hey, fat guy, did you know she had sex with your neighbor?"
"No she didn't!" shouted Cleveland.
"God I wish!" said Quagmire at the same time.
"Oh come on, everyone knew that!" said Joe.
All eyes turned to him.
"What?" asked Joe. "I just remembered, I forgot to... Bonnie's... left the stove on..." and with that, Joe left.
"AH HA!" Over Kill laughed maniacally, "AT LAST MY PLANS SHALL COME TO FRU-"
"You know, Over Kill," Peter interrupted, "this is why I never want to go anywhere with you! You always make a big scene, laugh like an evil genius 'ah ha ha, I've got my stupid evil plan' and it always end with you knocking over a liquor store and me holdin your hair while you puke."
"I-I-" she stammered, "It's not always a liquor store!"
"Oh yeah," said Peter with impatience in his voice, "I forgot, there was that time you went straight to the distillery. God, how could I forget that?"
"ALL YOU EVER DO IS HURT ME!" she sobbed as she ran away.
"Ah crap," said Peter, feeling stupid, "I am going to be in the dog house tonight."
"One time," said Adam West In His Batman Costume, "MY arch nemesis and I went to Six Flags. Oh that was such great fun!"
"That never happened," said Adam West, "I don't remember that."
"Oh," said Adam West In His Batman Costume, visibly annoyed, "well if you don't remember it must not be true."
"Did you go without me?" accused Adam West.
"No, never," said Adam West In His Batman Costume, unconvincingly, "wouldn't dream of it."
"You bastard!" said Adam West, "You know I love Six Flags!"
"Dad," said Meg, "What are you and all these people doing here?"
"Oh God, it's talking to me!" said Peter with disgust.
"Well what are we doing, Peter?" asked Quagmire, "I mean, we've been here forever, and you brought along all these people, when I thought all you wanted was to gezwazzle Lois's mufoygup, and Meg, who lives in there, has been sitting right here the whole time... I just thought you must have a plan that I didn't know about, but I'm really starting to have second thoughts about this whole thing."
"Quagmire, Meg, Cleveland, Joe who already left, Over Kill, Stacy's sitter, Stacy's sitter's boyfriend, Adam West, Adam West As Superman, Heath Ledger's Ghost, that kid who voiced Sora in the Squaresoft hit Kingdom Hearts, you're right. Meg, go tell your mother I've decided to take her back."
"Yeah, whatever." said Meg, dismissively, as she crossed the street to go inside.
"Any minute now," said Peter with anticipation.
The giant Chicken made a sound of protest.
"No, I didn't forget you, that was intentional."
The chicken made a loud, angry clucking sound and pecked Peter in the face.
"Ah! You're right too!"

Peter knocked on the door. It opened to reveal Lois.
"Hey. Um, so I sent your daughter in to tell you to come home with me. Guessing you didn't get the message, since that was about 36 hours ago."
"Hi Peter."
"Hi. So uh, why don't you get your things and I'll pull the car around and you can be making me dinner and rubbing my feet in a couple of hours. First you're gonna wanna clean up that spot where Stewie killed one of his little friends. It's really starting to smell, and I'd hate to see it get any worse for you."
Lois looked at Peter, thinking about what he was asking of her. She contemplated for a moment, and finally said "Okay, I'll get my things."
Brian came to the door, wondering who Lois was talking to.
Lois came away from the door toward him.
"Who was that?"
"Peter."
"What? Really? It took him long enough. What did he say?"
"He said I could make him dinner and clean, and service him physically."
"Wow. That's Peter for you. Always the amazing salesman."

Brian was remembering a time when Peter had worked at a car dealership.
"Hey buddy. Wanna buy a car?" He had asked a customer.
"I'm just looking for now, thanks."
"What? You chicken?"
"Excuse me?"
"C'mon! Don't be such a girl! Buy the damn car!"
"I will if it's a good deal and fits my budget."
"Oh, hey, look at Mr. Cosmopolitan here. 'I have a budget, I'm not man enough to go into debt to prove I have a penis, I'm a big girl, I like to have things inserted into me during sex because I'm a woman,'"
"Now you look here! Just because I'm not financially irresponsible doesn't make me less of a man."
"Hey, you're right. It doesn't," Peter said, backing off, "But you know, in this study, men with brand new sports cars costing $50,000 or more reported up to a 70% increase in both length and girth."
"Well, now that you think about it, I can't very well make love to my wife without a brand new car."
"That's the spirit! Now what do I have to do to put you in one of these babies today?"
The customer reached into his coat, "You could," he pulled a gun, "GIVE ME THE KEYS RIGHT NOW!"
"You know, participating thieves reported having up to 30% fewer sexual encounters over a ten week period."
"HA! Joke's on you then! I'm celibate for religious reasons!"
"Then why were you talking about doing your wife?"
"Sometimes I like to act like I'm not, just so I can surprise people later."
"Well I don't think that's very nice at all."
"My God! You're right! I see now how my life of crime has hurt those around me! That's not what I wanted! That was never what I wanted."
"I'm glad we had this talk. Now you can put the gun away and we can all not be shot and pay for a shiny new car to increase the size of the penis we don't use."
The thief weighed his options. He shrugged and shot Peter in the knee, then jumped into the car and sped off.

"Yeah, I know. So, I'm packing my things. Tell Meg goodbye for me."
"What? You're actually going with him?"
Peter walked in through the open door.
"Hey, Lois, if you're going to take all day, do you have a beer around here I could- BRIAN?"
"Peter," said Brian, curtly.
"What the hell are you doing here? Nobody's seen you since the night you left, we thought you just ran away! Stewie was devastated!"

Peter was thinking of a time several days before when he had walked in on Stewie torturing what appeared to a clone of himself, and an intelligent-looking, yet very sexy woman. It was unclear to anyone what this had to do with Brian's disappearance.

"Lois," Brian pleaded, "you're not seriously going with him, are you?"
"Brian, I haven't got a choice. I love him."
"heheheheheheheheheh," Peter laughed.
"Lois, you made a choice once. Don't give that up now!"
"I thought you wanted us to be a family again," she said.
Brian felt embarrassment. It was true. That was why he had come to her in the first place, but he had seen her prosper and he had always known how terribly Peter treated her.
"I did. But, you chose to leave, and I don't want to see you go back to a life you didn't want."
"That's sweet Brian."
"Brian, what the hell are you doing?" Peter asked, "You trying to stop her from coming back?"
"Peter, I would think even you would understand that she left for a reason. You can't just order her to be your wife again!"
"I can too. That's the beauty of private property."
"Damn you!" Brian snapped, "She's not your property! And you have no respect for her at all! You take her for granted and you objectify her and you never think how lucky you are that she doesn't get up the courage to go and find someone better! But she did, Peter! She got fed up with you and she left, and you can't just come here and expect her to come back to you because you told her to! God!"
Lois looked at Brian. She wondered for a moment about the difference between a man and a dog. She thought about the difference between Brian and Peter. She wondered which was which. She thought of what Brian had done. Of all the years of friendship between the two, and what might actually bring them to odds like this.
"Peter," she said at last, "Brian's right. I'm not going with you."
"What? Brian, stop that! Make her good again!"
"Peter, until you can respect me, why don't you go home?"
"So that's the price of your love?" Peter said, tears in his eyes, "Then I guess it comes a much too high a cost." And with that he walked through the open door, and turned to look back one last time, then continued on his way back home.
"Hey," a voice came from behind him.
"Lois?" he gasped, turning around. But it wasn't Lois.
"Holy crap! Aren't you Marylin Manson?"
"No. I'm Amy Lee."
"Oh, that asian stand up comic?"
"No that's Margaret Cho."
"Oh. That bald guy from Star Trek?"
"Patrick Stewart."
"No, the other one."
"Avery Brooks?"
"No, not him."
"Armin Shimerman?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"But he's not bald."
"Yeah he is. So's his brother. And they've got those huge ears."
"You know that's makeup, right?"
"Whoa! They can do that?"
"Shut up! I'm Amy Lee, of Evanescence, and you owe me royalties."
"What?"
"You walked Through The Open Door. That's the title of our second album, so we have a copyright on all open doors."
"Damn. How much do I owe you?"
"$8 billion each, and you did it twice, so $16 billion."
"Damn it, do you take visa?"
"Sorry, we don't accept credit cards."
"Okay, I'll write you a check."
"Oh no, we don't take personal checks either."
"Well how am I supposed to pay you then?"
"Cash. The currency of metal."
"But I don't have that much. Is there any other way I could pay you?"
"Well, we do also accept something the tragic tears of a heartbroken virgin bride who lover died at the altar on Valentine's Day."
"Okay, how many?"
"Two."
"Damn it," one tear, two tears, "Now I'm down to my last six."

"God," Brian fumed, "I can't believe his nerve! He never changes! Lois, you were absolutely right to leave him, and I"m sorry I ever doubted you."
Lois was staring at Brian with a bit of a smile.
"What?" he asked.
"I was just thinking, you're a really good friend to me."
Brian was slightly flustered. Of course he was a good friend. He loved her more than anyone he had ever known. "I-it was- well of course. You're-you're a good friend too."
"I don't think I am, Brian."
"What are you talking about, of course you are!"
"You're friends with Peter too, and you stood up to him for me. You chose me over him."
Brian contemplated this for a moment. He hadn't considered that his friendship with Peter might be in serious jeopardy, but now that he thought about it, it definitely was. "How could I not?"
"Well I never have." she admitted.
"What?"
"I mean, all these years, I never chose you over him."
thousands of things raced through Brian's mind. He resisted believing any of them. "Of course, I mean, he's your husband..."
"But he's not the one who loves me."
"I think he does, he's just... he doesn't show it well."
"But all along there was someone right in front of me who does."
It was so obvious by now, so clear, but he couldn't believe it. The come-down would be too much.
"Who?" he choked out.
"Come on, Brian. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. I know you did."
"Lois, no, we can't! There are so many reasons we can't!"
"Why not?"
"Peter's your husband!"
"Not anymore."
"But Lois, it's wrong! I'm not even the same species as you!"
"We've been friends all this time, Brian. Was that wrong?"
"No, of course not!"
"Then is there anything wrong with us being better friends? I know it's not exactly normal, and maybe we could never do everything we want to, but can't we be together and enjoy each other's company?"
"Lois, you deserve a man."
"I think you're more like a man than Peter ever was."
"But, I could never..."
"Let's not worry about that."
"But, you have needs. I know you do, I mean no one in that house could not know. And I can't..."
Lois sighed.
"I know Brian, but a woman has other needs too. She needs to feel special, and appreciated, like everything she does is for a reason, and like someone loves her the way she deserves. I guess I can have one or the other."
"Can you be happy like that?"
Lois paused, hesitating to answer. "I'd like to try."

Lois woke with her alarm.
Brian did as well. He stirred on the floor at the foot of the bed.
Separate but together. They had both decided upon that.
They exchanged a loving glance. Brian's tail began to wag. Lois smiled warmly. Brian left the room as she went to the dresser. Modesty was part of the arrangement. Brian was willing to accept it. The feelings were what mattered, not the skin.
He waited outside the door happily. As he waited, an idea occured to him, and he went downstairs to make breakfast for his lover.
After all, strange as it may be, that's what they were now, lovers. He was surprised at how the guilt had disappeared. He had thought his love was forbidden, never to be expressed, always to be hidden. But now, it was okay. It wasn't wrong, it was love. It wasn't a betrayal of his friend, and it wasn't a violation of Lois. It was victimless, and without stigma. This was the way he had dreamed it could be, but knew it never could.
Lois descended the stairs, wondering if her senses decieved her. She looked at the table and saw they did not. A meal as sweet as any she'd ever had awaited her. Much sweeter, in fact. She took a seat next to Brian.
"Brian, did you do this all yourself?"
"No, I just came down and found it on the table," he joked, awkwardly. "Yes, I did."
"That was so sweet of you."
"You deserve it, Lois."
"Oh Brian, how did I get so lucky?"
"You? How did I get so lucky?"
"Did someone make waffles?" Meg asked groggily.
"Yes, Brian did," Lois said, "wasn't that sweet?"
"Thanks," Meg said grabbing a portion for herself.
Brian became more uncomfortable.
"Brian, are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Never better."
"You seem a little tense all of a sudden."
"Oh, just uh, hope I made enough. Maybe I should go fix some more."
"Brian, are you uncomfortable because of Meg?"
Meg was looked at them as she sat down. This may have something to do with her and thus interested her.
"No, I" Brian didn't know what to say. He didn't want to offend her, but it was true, "I, no, I'm fine with Meg."
"Are you afraid of her seeing us together?" Lois asked.
Brian couldn't respond. He was, but he didn't want to admit it.
"I don't care," Meg said.
They both looked at her.
"I don't. I mean, with all the times people called me a dog, a cow, a pig, a camel, a giraffe, a trash can, a sperm receptacle, I guess maybe I'm desensitized to it."
"But, Meg, I'm a," Brian paused, the guilt and shame creeping back in, "Doesn't it bother you?"
"It's a little weird," she replied, "but, I mean, dad never made waffles."

Awww!

I mean, apart from the bestiality (and isn't Brian more human than Peter, anyway?), that's sweet.