***

I’ve decided that I must be psychic, or, at least, unnaturally attuned to incoming disaster. So many things went wrong that I don’t even know where to start.

The evening began well enough. I picked up Tony from his house, and his parents took pictures. They still haven’t quite forgiven me for getting their son suspended, but I think they hope that if they don’t fight the current, Tony’s gay phase will end sooner.

We met the rest of the gang there. Cami and Anthony looked like they were at a costume party, partially because Anthony was wearing his Halloween costume from the previous year. I think he must have changed at Cami’s because there’s no way his parents let him out like that. His dress pants and shirt were ragged and torn; he wore rings on nearly every finger, a spiked collar with a loop hanging off the front circled his throat, and fake earrings lined his ears from bottom to top. Even worse, he was wearing make-up – black colored his lips and surrounded his eyes, and his skin was much paler than usual. He looked like a punk vampire.

Cami’s make-up resembled Anthony’s, and her dress appeared to have been purchased from Hot Topics. Its top resembled a low cut corset, with black ribbons crossing over sheer purple, and it had a long skirt with black lace poking out at the bottom. Her jewelry consisted of silver and black crosses that decorated her ears, neck, wrists, and fingers. Later, Regal muttered that it was “popular goth.” Regal talks about Cami like he thinks she’s in a higher social standing than she is. Or, I suppose, like he thinks she’s trying to be.

We were supposed to seat ourselves at eight person tables so, since there were five of us, we found one that already had two people. The previous inhabitants, a normal guy-girl couple in usual prom clothes, looked from Cami, to Anthony, to Tony, then stood up. As they turned to find a new place to sit, I heard the guy mutter, “Let’s get away from the queer crowd.”

I’m use to people calling us that and don’t really mind, and usually neither does Cami, but this time she said, “Well, that was rude,” and went after them. I guess she thought that we had as much of a right to enjoy prom as anyone else.

About fifteen minutes later, Cami appeared in the middle of the dance floor, making out with the girl who had shunned us. And then, Cami was kicked out of prom.

I thought this was horribly unjust as the other girl wasn’t kicked out, and she hasn’t been complaining at the time. She spent the rest of the night loudly proclaiming that Cami had molested her, and her friends kept sending dirty looks at those of us who remained.

When things calmed down a little, Anthony started lamenting that he’d lost yet another prom date, and I suggested that Regal be his new date since he was there alone. As Anthony laughed and said that he supposed that would work, Regal looked speculatively, not at Anthony, but at his collar. Not long after, Regal disappeared, and when he returned over half an hour later, he was carrying a dog leash. I guess he must have bought it from a nearby store. He hooked it onto the loop on Anthony’s collar, which amused us but not the chaperones. One of them raised her voice at Anthony and Regal, telling them how their behavior was completely inappropriate and they’d have to leave if they didn’t remove the leash. I think they would have done it, but I got upset and started yelling at her about how that was prejudice, which is far more inappropriate than whatever Regal may be into.

And then all three of us were kicked out.

Tony wasn’t in trouble, but he followed us out anyway. Said prom wouldn’t be fun without us. He seemed unhappy though, and I can’t blame him. He got all dressed up and everything, and we didn’t even make it until dinner.

Cami was waiting in her car (she’d driven Anthony and Regal), so we decided to have our own prom. We ate dinner at Denny’s, then went bowling, which was probably more fun than dancing anyway. By the end of the night, the whole experience was starting to seem more humorous than catastrophic, especially as people kept staring at how much trouble Tony and Cami were having bowling in their prom dresses.

We were actually joking about it on our way out to the cars, and then, as we lingered before separating, Anthony kissed me. Which is great and all, except that Tony is really upset. He wouldn’t talk to me the entire trip home.

But Anthony did kiss me, and Cami’s expression was priceless, though Anthony did seem very unsure of why he did it afterwards, and Tony is so upset, which is understandable since I was out with him.

And I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t a disaster, but it sure feels like it was one right now.

***

Well, Tony’s still not talking to me. No, that’s not exactly true. He says, “Hi,” in this icy tone, and I think it’s a greeting. Theoretically, he could also be saying, “High,” though I’m not sure why he would.

And I think Anthony has been avoiding me too. I must be temptation to abandon his otherwise religious life or something. I’m sure his parents wouldn’t approve.

I never knew it was such a bad thing to have someone you like seem to like you too.

Eeeeey~ Amazing update! It was definitely worth the wait. :3

Ohymgod, Regal is so awesome~ And so is Cami. Man, you have an amazing batch of characters here. I love all of them to bits~<3

._.;; This Anthony/Allan/Tony love-triangle has me sad, in a good way. I think I know how it'll turn out, but I'm still anxious. :o

Anyway, please, take your time with the updates. They're worth waiting for. ^-^

Just a few comments.

First off, you may have noticed that I changed the subject line. Allan's Journal is not the final title of this story, but it's what I've been calling it whenever I reference it to people, so I just thought I'd go with that for now. Also, I added the subheading "A Queer Crowd Story." This is because I'm posting other stories involving these characters, and a friend of mine who has been involved in the creating of both the group of characters and the plotlines involving them is thinking about making an Anthony journal, dealing with Anthony's childhood. (great for those who want to learn more about Anthony ^-^). I figured it would just make it easier for people who are interested in these characters to find stories about them if they all had the same subheading.

Second, I've started posting the story I wrote about Regal over a year ago. Again, it's not my favorite story I've ever written, but if you like the character, you'll probably enjoy learning more about him. I'm going to post it over a series of time as I edit the parts. Here's a link to it if you'd like to read more: http://www.menewsha.com/viewtopic.php?t=23164 .

Finally, I added bolded astericks to the top of all story entries so that you can easily tell the difference between what is storyline and what is just me talking.

Thank you for reading. ^-^ I'll try to have another journal entry up in the next couple of days. <3

Hi Allan!! :3

So, I'm really annoyed. >/ I'm female, solely because the account owner saw a skirt he liked on someone else and absolutely had to have it.

Why me? T_T

I'ma try and catch up to you soon. :3 I have to get journal entries situated first, but then you'll see more of me, I hope. x3

***

I talked to Tony today. There’s nothing I could say that wouldn’t hurt him. Or that he didn’t know. He knows how I feel about Anthony, and he knows how I feel about him. He knows that if Anthony’s open to it I’m going to try dating him. That’s not what he wanted to hear, though. He wanted me to tell him that I love him more, and that I’ll always love him, and crushes mean nothing.

I’m too young for that. And he’s younger than me. In truth, I’m not even really sure if he loves me and is going to love me forever, or if he’s just obsessed with the idea of us being together.

I could never tell him that though. So I just told him that, as much as I care about him, this is something that I want to try out.

And he was hurt. Of course he was hurt. But I can’t design my life around him never getting hurt.

It’s going to be really funny if, after all of this, Anthony decides that he doesn’t want to date me.

***

Anthony and I went “out” tonight. I’m not sure if it was really a date. We didn’t do anything that we don’t normally do when hanging out. We didn’t even kiss. The only real difference is that there was a lot more blushing than usual.

It was warm so, after getting some food, we just hung out in the park. After all the little kids left, we sat on the swings, more spinning in place than actually swinging. Then, Anthony said that he should really get home and study for an hour before bed. Finals are in a week. I’m not real concerned – I’ve never been the best of students so I don’t have a grade point average to maintain, and I already know what I’m doing when I graduate – but Anthony has straight As thus far and can’t mess that up.

I’m actually more worried than I want to admit about next year, so I guess I’ve been letting all this Tony-Anthony stuff take precedence. The friends I have, I’ve had forever, so I’m a bit nervous about going somewhere that they’re not. Maybe it would be better if nothing does happen with Anthony. It would be silly to start something and then immediately leave.

***

I asked my school counselor today if she wanted me to keep writing in this journal over the summer. She said that she thought it would be good for me, but that I didn't have to. After all, this would be my last time coming in to see her.

I was kind of surprised. I guess I should have realized that, since I'm going to college next year, of course I wouldn't be visiting her weekly anymore, but I never really thought about it. I've been going to her office once a week for four years - during the school year, at least.

She said she could look into good counselors in my college town, and that she was sure my school would have a counseling center, but I wasn't interested. She also said I could call her if I ever needed to talk, but I still felt like I was being abandoned.

This really is her fault. She's the one trained in psychology. She should have spent the last few months trying to make a clean break.

***

Cami and I graduated yesterday. It was kind of cool. We got our diplomas, felt accomplished, and had a big party afterwards. Regal doesn't graduate until next year, and Anthony and tony the year after. Suddenly I feel old.

I haven't decided what to major in yet. I'm not really good at anything. I want to major in photography, but my school doesn't have that program. You have to go to like a fancy art school or something for that. I looked into it, but it wasn't easy to research, and the only ones I found were in places like California and New York. Too far away. Four hours is still pretty far, but it's drivable, and my friends and I all have licenses.

I think it'll be fun. I mean, I'm nervous - scared, really - but maybe something new will be good for me.

Or maybe I'm just writing that so that I can sound less mentally unstable and more like the other eighteen-year-old boys who were throwing their graduation caps and cheering while I gripped mine, smiling feebly at the cord.

***

Summer's good so far. If nothing else, it means that Tony and Anthony are less busy. They're always doing homework during the school year. I sometimes did homework, but it was never really a priority in my house. My mom was perfectly happy with the grades I got.

Maybe I'll try doing homework next year. It wouldn't hurt to try for better grades.

Anthony, Tony, and I have hung out a few times, and Cami came along once. The last time, I drove Anthony home, and he shyly suggested that we go out to dinner the next day. The way he said it made it sound like a date, so that could be cool. I suppose we'll see what happens.

***

Anthony and I went out to this fancy Italian restaurant, though it was more that Anthony took me out, ‘cause even though I drove, he insisted on paying for everything. I think that was his way of making it feel more like a date. It was cute. I’ve been out with several guys, and I don’t think anyone’s ever paid for me before. Of course, most the guys I’ve gone with, it wasn’t really a date they were looking for.

After dinner, Anthony awkwardly asked if I wanted to see a movie, and I said that anything was fine. Then we fidgeted a bit. We drove by the movie theater, but there was nothing that either of us really wanted to see. Finally, I just took him home. He insisted that I park a couple of houses away from his, and then he leaned over and kissed me. It was nice. Our first kiss that wasn’t abrupt and unexpected. When he pulled way, we were both smiling. Then, he got out and walked the rest of the way.

***

My dad’s back.

That’s all I have to say about that.

***

I don’t remember if I’ve told you much about my dad. He left when I was little. My mom dotes on him. I remember when I as a child feeling almost like I didn’t exist. I did everything for myself, and no one took notice of me. Which was better than when they did notice me.

The state tried to take me away. Or started to, or looked into it—I don’t really remember. But then my dad left, and all of a sudden my mom cared more about me than anything else and begged to keep me, promising to be a good parent. I guess the state believed her, ‘cause I stayed.

And she was a good parent. She needed a lot of attention and didn’t like me to be gone very much—I had to stop going to friends’ houses after school—but she made me lunches and remembered my birthday and did things that I thought a mom was supposed to do.

It’s not that I had no contact with my dad. He called every few years, out of the blue, and my mom locked herself away in her bedroom to talk to him. Then, she’d insist I say a few words, and we’d sit in an uncomfortable silence or made more uncomfortable small talk until my mom took the phone again.

Now he’s here, and I’m back to not existing. That’s probably still better than being noticed though.

***

Anthony’s parents bought him a car. I think he wanted to show it off, because he insisted on driving our next date. Our seventh date, I think. It depends on how date-like a date needs to be, but I figure that if we kiss at the end of it, it’s a date.

When I came inside afterwards, my dad glowered at me. It was kind of disturbing because usually he doesn’t even look at me. It was like he was choosing not to say something, but wanted me to be aware that he didn’t approve. I guess he then changed his mind, because he started yelling. It was mostly some not so nice stuff about homosexuals that I prefer not to repeat. I figure he saw me kissing Anthony, but maybe not. Maybe my mom just finally got around to telling him that I was gay. I can imagine him, in an uncharacteristic moment, asking my mom where I was, and her saying, “Oh, he’s out on a date with that boy he likes.” I’d know better than to tell my dad that, but I don’t think she’d even hesitate.

I just stood there and took it, waiting for his steam to run out. I can handle being yelled at. He moved from berating homosexuals in general to exploring my every flaw. But when he started flinging insults at Anthony, who he’s never even met, I snapped.

I started yelling back at him, which is something I’ve never done before, and it felt pretty good until he hit me. I actually fell backwards with the weight of the blow. He stood over me, but he wasn’t yelling anymore. Instead, he spoke in a cold, furious tone that scared me far more. So I scrambled to my feet and I ran. I got to my bedroom and locked the door, and seconds later he was banging on it, yelling again. I grabbed my bookbag and threw some clothes into it. I didn’t even look at what clothes they were. Then, I opened the window and broke the screen so that I could crawl out. Luckily my house is only one floor tall. I ran to my car and I don’t think my dad even noticed I’d gotten out until the engine started. I imagined he rushed to the front door, but by then I was gone.

I probably should have gone to Anthony’s or Tony’s, but I didn’t want to. I guess I was embarrassed. So, instead, I drove to Wal-Mart. They’re open twenty-four hours a day, so I figured they wouldn’t notice my car. Plus, I liked that their streetlights were on all night. It was comforting, kind of like a nightlight.

I curled up in the back seat, but I don’t think I slept. I didn’t even have my eyes closed half the night. Every sound made me jump, and there were lots of sounds. People walking by and cars starting. I already missed home, but I didn’t think I’d be able to go back to being ignored there.

=w= May the father one day sit down on a spike that manages to find its way up his...

=D... *stops there so she doesn't mentally scar everyone that reads this*

o.o Someone's reading! Yay. XD /hands out candy/

***

I hung out with Tony today, but I didn’t tell him what happened. I kept meaning to, but I couldn’t quite say the words. So, when we said goodbye, I drove back to Wal-Mart and parked in the very back spot.

I’m kind of surprised my mom hasn’t called Tony looking for me. More hurt than surprised, I suppose. She would have called if I ran away two months ago. I guess she’s got my dad to occupy her time now. Doesn’t need to worry about me.

*noms on candy while muttering rather gruesome death threats under her breath* >: Dumb parents.

/constantly refills bowl of candy to keep readers around/ XD

***

It’s amazing how quickly living in my car becomes just like living anywhere else. I had money saved up from my allowance in a bank account, so I took that out and used it to buy food. Stuff that didn’t need to be refrigerated or heated like peanut butter and bread. Doesn’t make for the best of meals, but I’m not starving. I’m worried my money won’t last long though, so I’m trying not to eat too much.

I’ve gotten more comfortable with sleeping in the back seat. I drive around and find places to hang out during the day, but I’m still spending my nights in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It’s convenient too, because I can go in early morning when there aren’t many people and clean up in the bathroom. It doesn’t do anything for my hair, which is getting greasier by the day, but at least I’m not filthy.

And I have a cell phone, so my friends can call me to do stuff. I don’t know how long that will last though. I imagine my dad must not know about the cell phone yet. Otherwise, I’m sure he’d cancel it.

Besides, I think Tony and Anthony are starting to suspect something. Tony asked me when was the last time I washed my hair, and Anthony noticed that I wore the same shirt to two dates in a row. Unfortunately, I only grabbed three shorts and one pair of pants, so I don’t have many clothes to choose from. I totally forgot to pack underwear and socks, but I spent a little money to get extras of those.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not planning to live in my car forever. I just haven’t quite figured out what to do instead.

v.v Poor kid. </3

*moar noming on candy*

I'll be back to updating daily soon. I just moved into a new place, and the internet isn't working.

***

I went to Anthony’s for dinner tonight, and bought a cheap shirt just for the occasion. It may not have been the nicest thing, but it was clean and I hadn’t been seen wearing it recently.

His parents don’t like me much. I think they’re worried I’ll turn their son gay. I suppose it’s not an unfounded concern, considering. It’s not that they say anything outright rude, but it’s a constant sniping and belittling, a feeling that I’m not really welcome. I always end up feeling worthless by the time I leave.

It’s free food, though, and I’m really appreciating that at this point in my life.