***

I’m writing in this because my school counselor thought that describing my feelings might help some of my issues. My school counselor thinks I have issues.

I picked a pink notebook because it’s my favorite color. My father wouldn’t approve because he doesn’t think pink is an appropriate color for boys, but he left a long time ago so I guess his approval doesn’t matter.

My name is Allan because… Well, I don’t know why, actually, but all my other paragraphs had purposes, so I thought this one should too. It’s probably because my mom thought it was a nicely American name. She’s from Iraq, but is trying very hard to be American. She does this because it’s American and that because it’s American. I can get away with doing almost anything because my mom thinks it’s very American for boys to make trouble.

I don’t actually make much trouble though. At least, I don’t think I do. My friend Anthony thinks I make lots of trouble, and his parents just plain think I am trouble. That’s just because they’re very religious, and I’m very gay. Anthony thinks I’m flaming, but I just think I’m out. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I’m gay because… Well, because I am. I don’t have an explanation for that.

I doubt my father would approve of my gayness either. I was never quite manly enough for him, even when I was years away from being a man.

My mother is perfectly accepting of my homosexuality. She’s sure it’s very American to be gay and encourages me to be happy doing whatever it is that gay people do. I’m nearly positive that she has no idea what gay people do.

My friend Tony is also gay, a fact that makes Anthony’s parents uncomfortable. They don’t understand why he would willingly hang out with two openly gay guys unless he’s gay, and they’re determined that he not be. They have him visiting a priest weekly to keep him on the path to Heaven. Anthony’s parents make me think that I wouldn’t like Heaven, but, as they’re certain that I won’t go, I guess I don’t have to worry.

Unlike me, Tony’s definitely not flaming. I mean, other than when he’s dressing as a girl, which he doesn’t do very often. It disturbs people when he does because, with his long blonde hair and feminine features, he pulls off the look a little too well. He just embarrasses Anthony, who’s not certain himself why he hangs out with us. I like to think it’s because maybe, deep down, he really is gay, but that’s just because I’ve had a really big crush on him for forever. Tony doesn’t get this, but Tony crushes on girly guys. They’re the type who you can’t tell if they’re male or female. I don’t get that. If I were going to be attracted to people who look female, than I would be straight.

Anthony plays basketball and soccer, and even though he acts in the school plays, he’s really very masculine. My father would love to have him as a son. I wonder if it’s disturbing that my father and I have the same ideal.

***

My counselor said that my first entry was "good" and that I should "keep exploring my feelings." I wasn't aware that I was exploring my feelings, but I guess I'll trust her on this one.

She also said that I didn't have to show my entries to her if I wanted to keep them private, but I don't see the purpose to writing these if no one's going to read them.

I only have fifteen minutes before lunch ends, so I'm trying to think of something meaningful and full of deep, previously unexplored feelings to write. That way, I'll be a little less convinced that this whole exercise is just a bit useless. I'm drawing a blank though.

Tony wants me to write about him, so I'm going to try. He's really cute. Everyone agrees on that. He's got this angelic blonde hair and blue eye thing going on, and is really small for his age, so he kind of reminds me of a cherub. He doesn't like that description though. It makes him screw up his face, but having all of his features squished together just makes him cuter.

We dated for awhile, earlier this year. It was like, we were beset friends and then all of a sudden we were in this deep committed relationship. The speed was frightening, and my mom, who thinks it's very American to date around, didn't approve. Tony's parents think that him being gay is just a phase that he'll grow out of, so they didn't mind us "getting this out of our system" until we got suspended for a week after being caught making out (and maybe a little bit more) in a janitor's closet at school.

Tony was grounded until further notice, but my mom, who probably didn't quite get what we were doing in the closet but figured that it was probably American enough, just gave me a bit of a talking to over dinner.

Tony and I broke up after that. I told him that I wasn't ready for a forever relationship yet, but when I was I would let him know. I think Tony would be an okay person to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm too young to start the rest of my life.

I'm taking him to the prom though, and that's coming up pretty soon. He's really excited and planning to wear a prom dress and everything. I think it would be really funny if he got voted queen.

Now I'm late for class and I haven't written anything meaningful yet. Maybe next time.

***

I think I’ve ruined my friendship with Anthony, which is bad because I really, really like Anthony. We went to the movies today, and then I did something absolutely unforgivable. I made out with him.

It was my fault from beginning to end. First, I didn’t want to go to the latest Robert Soanso film. Robert Soanso is Anthony’s favorite actor, and he’s really cute, but I just didn’t think his latest movie looked interesting. So, instead we went to this awful movie that we had to leave 30 minutes into or risk implosion of the brain, which I’ve heard can be painful.

I suggested we do something more fun, and we ended up making out. I have this unnatural ability to attract straight guys; even Tony says so. I’m sure he wouldn’t have made out with me otherwise. He looked so distraught afterwards.

And I asked him to the prom. Even though I’m certain he didn’t mean it when he said yes, Tony would be upset if he just knew I asked. He bought his dress yesterday and everything.

Which, by the way, he looks absolutely gorgeous in. It’s a baby blue color that totally, corny as it may sound, brings out the color of his eyes, and the cut somehow accentuates the bust he doesn’t have. He might actually look better as a girl than as a boy, but I don’t think he’d appreciate me saying it.

I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, but there’s one thing I’m certain of. There’s no way this is going end well.

Allan, not to be rude, but journals aren't allowed into the lit spot. Menewsha has a journal fuction, so they want to use that instead of posting a journal here. The lit spot forum is more for fictions (and nonfictions in some cases). ^^;;;

There is a charity called Speak Your Mind that helps people obtain journals on mene (a mene journal costs 250g).

If you should not want to pay the fee for a menewsha journal, then there are other journal website (for example livejournal.com) where you can also post your thoughts. ^^;;;

Hope this helps? x3

Originally Posted by Seito

Allan, not to be rude, but journals aren't allowed into the lit spot. Menewsha has a journal fuction, so they want to use that instead of posting a journal here. The lit spot forum is more for fictions (and nonfictions in some cases). ^^;;;

There is a charity called Speak Your Mind that helps people obtain journals on mene (a mene journal costs 250g).

If you should not want to pay the fee for a menewsha journal, then there are other journal website (for example livejournal.com) where you can also post your thoughts. ^^;;;

Hope this helps? x3

XD This is a fictional story that's done in journal format. <3 If you read it, you'll see, mainly in some of the minor references (for example, Anthony's favorite actor is Robert Soanso, who obviously doesn't exist. Also, the first entry mentions that this is being written in a pink notebook).

Thank you though. I understand that you were trying to help. I didn't consider it rude. I've changed my subject line so that no one else will be confused.

It's too bad, though. I was hopeful for a moment that it was someone commenting on my writing.

Ah okay then. xD From what little I read I thought you were actually writing a real journal. xD I wouldn't know about the Robert Soanso though. *chuckles* I don't keep up with actors and stuff and as far as I know he's real. xD

Oh I didn't include my thoughts? xD Okay I'll do it now. x3

So far so good. I haven't read everything and what little I have, you've totally convinced me that it was a real journal. XD (so that's good I supposed). I suggested to make it more... fictionally? (not a word) make up dates and stuff? xD Journal is a kinda... decieving too. x3 Think of another title perhaps as well?

Well! XD I absolutely love this story! Allan's mom is just so funny~<333 And the journal is very, very believable, as you already know. x3 I'm totally rooting for Allan at this point, because he sounds so cute. Tony is cool too. xD Dresses~ Reminds me of Loveless. Poor, poor Anthony though. Super-religious people can be scary. o.O;;

Anyway, I really like this story and didn't see any errors! Please, continue! :D

<3 I'm glad you guys like it so far. I'm just sort of adding entries as I think of things to write, so I hope it continues to be enjoyable.

I'll probably come up with a new title eventually. XD I'm absolutely horrible at creating titles. The only things I could think of were things that started with "Journal of" and that's been done, so I've just left it as Journal right now.

/goes to post new entry/

***

I’m not writing this in my notebook, so I guess I’ll copy it over later. I left the notebook at home, and I really, really want to get this down ‘cause I’m feeling a bit confused. Okay, a lot confused. How confused does one have to be to write on a side of the paper bag their mom packed their lunch in?

It doesn’t seem like Anthony hates me, unless he’s just playing with me to be cruel, and in all the time I’ve known him, he hasn’t demonstrated the capacity to be cruel.

But, maybe he’s not trying to be cruel, and it’s just a joke. I think that would be okay. Maybe a little mean, but I don’t think he knows about my crush, and maybe he thought I was joking when I kissed him, which he would probably think was really mean.

Like I said, I’m confused.

Prom tickets went on sale today, and Anthony bought us couple tickets. Like, me and him couple tickets. As if we were actually going together.

But of course we’re not going together, ‘cause he’s straight. He’s definitely straight.

I think.

I mean, I can’t help but hope that maybe the kiss opened up something in him and he realized that he’s actually been gay all along, so he’s fallen head over heels in love with me. That would be cool and all, but probably a just a bit unrealistic.

Besides, I know him. Even if he were gay, he wouldn’t date me. Being gay is a hell worthy crime to begin with. Add me into the equation and you might as well start digging for the underworld now.

Oh, and Tony. Tony doesn’t know yet, but it’s only a matter of time before he finds out.

I can’t go with Anthony. That’s all there is to it. I’ll thank him, but give him the ticket back. There’s no reason risking my friendship with Tony over an invitation that can’t be serious.

But what if it is, and I’m ruining any chance I may have with Anthony?

I don’t like this journaling thing anymore. I never realized how emo my thoughts could sound until they were reproduced where anyone could read them.

I was thinking that this was a real journal to. I was two seconds away from typing out whatever useless advice that I could sprout to someone in that situation, then I realized it was a story. xD I can tell that this is going to be pretty meaningful, I love it so far. Keep up the good work!

Originally Posted by Allan

<3 I'm glad you guys like it so far. I'm just sort of adding entries as I think of things to write, so I hope it continues to be enjoyable.

I'll probably come up with a new title eventually. XD I'm absolutely horrible at creating titles. The only things I could think of were things that started with "Journal of" and that's been done, so I've just left it as Journal right now.

/goes to post new entry/

Hmmm~

What about "Because my School Counselor Thinks I Have Issues" or something like that. xD Maybe...shorter... Like, a reason for why he's writing it? Iunno.

Anyway, I love the new entry. o3o<333 Go Allan, go~

Thank you for the compliments. Now that I have people reading it, I'm getting nervous. XD I hope that I continue to do as well. <3

I see what you're saying Deji. Maybe something like what would be on a sticker stuck on the front. Whatever he writes on it to distinguish it as his.

Titles are difficult because they have to be short, catchy and draw attention while still reflecting what the story is about. x.x Maybe when I've written more of the plot, something will jump out at me.

Anna - I think it's a compliment that people think it's a real journal. <3 It means, at least, that the voice is realistic. Thank you.

I should have another entry up tomorrow.

*chuckles*

The Trouble Mind of a Teenager

*rolls* xD
I remembered the other reason why I thought it was real journal. It was because you used the same name as the your username. xD Which usually is a huge warning. *chuckles*

Now did you do on purpose? Cause normally I would suggest you change that so that no one can go claiming it's against the rules. But unless your account is like a mule, and you created it for the sole purpose of writing in here. xD

Originally Posted by Allan

Thank you for the compliments. Now that I have people reading it, I'm getting nervous. XD I hope that I continue to do as well. <3

I see what you're saying Deji. Maybe something like what would be on a sticker stuck on the front. Whatever he writes on it to distinguish it as his.

Titles are difficult because they have to be short, catchy and draw attention while still reflecting what the story is about. x.x Maybe when I've written more of the plot, something will jump out at me.

Anna - I think it's a compliment that people think it's a real journal. <3 It means, at least, that the voice is realistic. Thank you.

I should have another entry up tomorrow.

Aw, you'll do fine. n_n Don't worry; I'm always here to give advice otherwise. xD

Titles are difficult. Mine are always...eh...too long. Dx Or too boring.

Anyway, I can't wait to see the next part! *_*

Originally Posted by Seito

*chuckles*

The Trouble Mind of a Teenager

*rolls* xD
I remembered the other reason why I thought it was real journal. It was because you used the same name as the your username. xD Which usually is a huge warning. *chuckles*

Now did you do on purpose? Cause normally I would suggest you change that so that no one can go claiming it's against the rules. But unless your account is like a mule, and you created it for the sole purpose of writing in here. xD

It is, and I did. <<,,, <3 After I had written a couple of these entries (actually in a pink notebook), I thought it would be fun to post them on here. I also wanted to make a second account just for some roleplay/round robin stuff, and Allan is a name that I tend to reuse a lot (lack of originality and all XD <3), so I decided to just call my new account Allan.

If you'd like a slightly complicated story (XD), the Allan who's writing these entries is a character I've played around with for about two years now who is supposedly the OC (or out of character, I know it's missing an O) personality of a fantastical character named Allan Fontaine who I'd already played on gaia for about a year before creating this Allan (Allan West). So, supposedly, this Allan roleplays Allan Fontaine on gaia, except not right now because this story is taking place in the year 2002, which is before he would have created his gaia account.

If that makes any sense at all. <<,,

Maybe I should just stick to writing and not try to explain my reasoning for anything. XD

New part ready to post! <3

***

And it’s all copied into the notebook. That was so boring. From now on, I’m taking this thing with me everywhere so that I never have to rewrite an entry word for word again. Not that it was really word for word, I suppose. I changed anything that I thought could sound better and fixed my spelling mistakes. I was a little frantic when I wrote it.

Rewriting it just showed me how totally angsty I was acting, so today I’ve decided to write only happy thoughts.

Happy thought number 1: Even though Tony found out about Anthony buying the prom tickets, he was only briefly teary upset, and I managed to get everything smoothed over quickly. I had already told Anthony that I just wouldn’t be able to go with him because Tony and I were going and that I was really sorry and all but I would love to go out with him another time. He didn’t invite me out for another time, but I didn’t really expect him to, so that’s okay.

Regal told Tony about the tickets, which I thought he would. Regal is Anthony’s best friend, and he was there when Anthony bought the tickets, and he and Tony have never gotten along very well. Regal’s the deacon’s son, but I could tell you things about him that would probably get him excommunicated. That’s straying into the not very happy though, so it doesn’t belong in this entry.

Happy thought number 2: While Anthony hasn’t asked me out, proposed, or thrown me onto the back of his white horse to carry me off into the sunset, he also hasn’t stopped talking to me or begun treating me like I’m a freak. I’m happy enough with that. I’d really hate to lose Anthony as a friend, and that feeling is a lot stronger than my crush.

Happy thought number 3: Everything’s set for prom. Tony and I have our tickets, and Anthony’s coming too. I don’t know if he’s going to bring a date. I kind of hope not, but that’s really selfish of me, so I’ve decided to be happy whether or not he does. It’s still two weeks away, but I’m really looking forward to it. It’s going to be really, really fun.

Happy thought number 4: I’m already writing this in my notebook, so I won’t have to rewrite it later.

Okay, so I’m running out of happy thoughts. I think 3.5 happy thoughts is good enough for one day though, right?

Right.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

haha yeah. xD I got it!
don't worry. x3

***

Okay, so this isn’t exactly “tomorrow.” Nothing’s changed in the last few days, so I didn’t have anything to write about. Anthony’s still mysterious, Tony’s still pouty but forgiving, and prom is still approaching.

My counselor read my last few entries today and she said that I acted very maturely, which I don’t think she generally expects from me. She once asked me if I thought I acted my age, and I said that I thought I acted better than people my age, and we left it at that.

She suggested that since I mentioned Regal, I write about my experience with him. This seems silly to me since she’s the only one who reads this and she already knows the whole story, but I guess I can if that’s what she wants.

I’ve known Regal since early grade school. His real name is Reginald, but I couldn’t pronounce that when I was little, so I called him Regal instead. I couldn’t tell you when other people started calling him that, but I guess it caught on ‘cause that’s just what he goes by now.

Back when my dad was with us, he made it obvious that he didn’t like having me around, so I tried to be elsewhere as much as possible. I would get myself invited to friends’ houses, or ride home with them on the bus. Whatever I needed to do.

Regal wasn’t my favorite person to spend time with, but his place was better than mine. Nearly every time I went over, we played this game where he tied me to his basketball hoop and waited to see how long it would take me to freak out.

After my dad left, my mom started wanting me home all the time, and it was a couple of years before I went over to a friend’s house again. I didn’t really talk to Regal again until high school.

After I came out, which was my sophomore year, Regal invited me over to his place. He didn’t ask me on a date, but there was an intonation to his voice that suggested he expected more than just hanging out and video games. Or maybe it was the fact that he mentioned his parents would be away.

So, I went over, and his place looked normal enough until he revealed his well-hidden collection of ropes, chains, pointy things, clampy things, and things that I don’t know the name of but I’m sure wouldn’t object to the label “torture devices.” How he’d hidden all this in the house of a deacon is beyond me. You’d think those people would be able to sense sinful objects.

It was like the game we played as children – how long could I last before begging him to stop. I was pretty good. Guess the practice helped.

When Tony found out, he was furious. I’m not sure Anthony ever did find out. Or, considering his friends, maybe he collects sinners.

For the next few months, Regal would approach me and request odd things. Tell me what to wear the next day, or order me to be somewhere at an exact time. So, I’d play along. Wear almost what he said, but have one item just barely off. Show up just a few minutes late. Then, he’d say he had to punish me. It was kind of fun, actually.

My counselor thinks that Regal might be sadistic, which I think is obvious. She says it’s an official psychological term, though, for someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others. She thinks something bad probably happened to him when he was little. I don’t know though. If you can be born gay, which I think you can, then who’s to say you can’t be born sadistic? I doubt he has any more choice as to who he is than I do.

Of course, she also thinks that my many quirks (the word she uses for things she thinks are wrong with me) are caused by things that have happened to me. I know that can’t be true. Nothing interesting ever happens to me.

Oh, I like Regal already. xD This guy sounds happily creepy. :D If only I could meet him IRL. Oh wait, bad idea. XDDDD

Whoa, the whole prom thing seemed sad. Poor Anthony. D; I mean, it was brave enough of him to get the two tickets 'cause of his family, and then... But hey, Allan already has Tony, so~*shrugs* Ah, the life of a teenagers is not easy. >-<

Anyway, thanks for the double-update! :DDD I truly enjoyed it. :3

XD Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying.

I have a story with Regal as the main character that I may post if people are interested. I'm sure it could use some editing first though. (I wrote it in one sitting a year ago and haven't looked at it since).

It may be a couple of days before I update again. We'll see when inspiration strikes. <3

No new entry today, but I do have some extra special bonus material!

The following are a couple of paragraphs that I had in my mind for the previous entry, but couldn't find a place for when I was actually writing it:

She also says that the fact I kind of enjoyed it means that I might be a little masochistic. I don’t think that’s true. You can enjoy the game without enjoying the pain it inflicts. Besides, nobody says anything good about masochists, so I don’t really want to be grouped with them.

I don't think Regal's gay. I think he just takes what he can get. After all, how many people would put up with what he's interested in?

Holy shizz. I freakin' love this story/journal! O_O It's filled with emotions so vivid you'd think that the writer was really experiencing this, though you've stated you aren't. It's also interesting, at least to me, to see into the mind of someone - albeit a fake person. To see how others might think, to see how others might react to things deep down inside... It's fascinating!

But back to my love of your story... <3

I LOVE it, and I don't think I could possibly say that nearly enough. The spelling and grammar are phenomenal, which automatically gives this story AT LEAST a 6, since poor spelling and grammar really peeve me (despite the fact that my own spelling and grammar are not perfect). But this story earns more than a 6; it earns a 1o. I love, though I think I said this before, the way the emotions are so vivid and realistic. Quite frankly, it's amazing. Someday I wish to be HALF the writer you are. <3

PS. I love the characters too, as well as everything else, but I only had time to write up my love of the emotions. @_@

o.o Thank you very much. <3 I love that you love my story. XD It makes me all happy inside.

I'll try to have another entry up soon. I'm just debating on whether I want to skip forward to the prom (which is still a week away) or do another entry before then (in which case I need to think of what he's going to talk about).

I hope you continue to enjoy it. ^-^

Sorry for the long delay in posting. ^-^ I moved, didn't have internet for awhile, and started school. However, none of that is why it's taken so long. <<,, I had a bit of trouble figuring out what I wanted to do with prom.

The good news is, I've figured it out! <3

The bad news is, this post isn't the actual prom one. <<,, I'm about halfway through the prom post, and should have it done tomorrow. It's going to be a long one. At halfway done, I think it's already my longest post.

In any case, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, and I hope the coming posts are worth the wait. <3^10

***

Prom is tonight. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I’m just going with Tony; that’s not a big deal. But every time I try to imagine Tony, beautifully made up for the occasion, Anthony’s face obstructs my view.

He did manage to find another date, but I’m actually not as jealous as I expected to be. He’s just going with Cami, another forever friend of mine. Cami’s not her real name either, but I’m not sure what it is. Cameron, I think, but I’ve never heard anyone use it.

She’s never expressed any sexual preference, but she usually goes out with girls. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s less because she’s attracted to them and more because, with all of her guy friends dating boys, she thinks the poor girls deserve some attention. Regal says she’s only a lesbian because it’s in style, but I’m not sure what that means.

Regal’s coming too, but he doesn’t have a date. Somehow, I’m not surprised.

I can’t imagine anything unexpected happening, but, still, I’m nervous. I hope everything goes alright.