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Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
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#1
Old 03-12-2010, 02:18 AM

Okay I havent been writing for a long time so ima give it a try. I've only been writing for 3 years. Here it goes:

Will it away:

I cry
I smile
Even for a little while
I swing that white flag above
Will away the inevitable
The truth
I will go down with this ship
With you
In the crystal seas we call home
The waves sway
Back & forth
Our lives ahead
Go down with this ship
Put our hands on the front statue of life love and liberty
When I stand
I'll let it pass
Let it fade
Know I've moved on
I'll go down in this dwelling sea
With OUR ship
We will surrender
Go down
We go deeper
Together in our life
Our life swirling around us
The deep sea
Deeper and deeper we plunge
Gomen my love gomen

[Gomen-Sorry]



Kimichi:

This little girl,
The one in front of my house
Twirling in the winds
While leaves fall silently from trees
This gentle creature...
I watch and listen
This girl with the blue cotton-bell dress
With the small corset and bow in the back
She sings her melodic tune
To bad shes dead
And her name is Kimichi
She haunts the forest

One day two twins wandered in the forest
They went missing
Three days later their bodies were found
Kimichi was seen later that day
Blood on the corset
Singing her sweet melody




Friends:

The love is gone
The love faded
With our song
It played for a time
But we all know a song will get old

We can be friends
Its just not there
Right there
To the left
The love is gone

As I try to find a way to tell you
I ask my mom
What to do, What do I do?

Later that day
I cry and sob and I can't control myself
You stand there
Near the bench where we used to look at the clear blue ocean
Together

No worries we can be friends
Right?

Even though my heart now cries out for you...

Blood, Amber:

Amber droplets?
They fall from the knife
As I look into the distance
I see all the peoples bodies
Yes
I have killed them
I run
An eerie shadow
A blur
You can never find me
I count to three
Yi
er
San
Then your dead
Body crumpled on the floor
Blood dripping out
I lick my blade
As I prepare to kill again
Amber droplets
Form
And drip
:yumeh2:



Girl:

This little girl is so shy
Her little cat hat
She hides in a box
I try to tell her shes so cute
I purpose to tell her a secret
She refuses
Her cute little cheeks and strawberry,cream skin
So fair and beautiful
She hates how she refused
So she began to cry
I try to say her name
But she runs and hides
Her hat drops
I look for her
Tell her I love her from head to toe
Her name ...
I do not know
I found her and told her the secret
'I love you'
Her cheeks flushed with a brilliant red to take its place on her cheeks
'I love you to'


Like magnets:

We draw together
If our love is a sin so be it
We will share this dance
This dispicable dance
Your gentle touch warms me in the morning
While tears fall from my eyes
You tell me your truth
Three words
Threes truths
No lies
You cannot lie
You whisper the sweet taboo in my ears
Our love
As we share our gentle touches
Share a love never known before
I love the way you dance with me
Eternity
The morning light floods the pond with a sweet glow
You touch my face with a gentle touch
You kiss me
As we share this sinful dance
Our love
A sin
A dispicable sin
We will share this dance forever
As we will always be together






Well uh I guess this well is a form of poems and lyrics hehheh


You:

Can you kiss me again?
Can you kiss my lips again?
Your love can make make me camotose
Baby kiss me again
I'll give you a chance
Live me
Melt me
Follow me
I'm sorry
Please love me
Miss me
My love goes to you
Can you kiss me again?
I love your sweet kiss
yeah yeah
Kiss me again
Baby kiss me again
My mama won't know
She won't find out
Your love makes me camotose
I know that I love you
I want to keep you forever
Love me again!
Lay here with me
Tell me
You love me
I'm sorry
I just can't keep this away from you
So kiss me again
Give me a chance
One more chance
Yeah yeah
Kiss me again
Love me again
Sorry again
I'm sorry I love you
So
Will you Kiss me again?
Melt me again
Kiss me
Kiss me
Kiss me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
So give me a chance

Last edited by Aiyanna; 03-14-2010 at 01:09 AM..

Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
605.18
Aiyanna is offline
 
#2
Old 03-13-2010, 06:25 PM

Far away:


Inside this hell
This fire
This death
That is all around me
How do I cleanse these souls
These bloody souls
Of hate
Lust and revenge
Will the light shine down on thee?
Or will I have to bring the light?
Questions...
That can never be answered
I'm far away
From freedom



Heavenly fruit:
The sweet taste
Of the scarlet treat
To touch my tongue

The sweet juices
Drain down my throat
And the taste is so heavenly



Red:
The color of blood
The color of love
What is it really?

Can it be the color of the
Things & feelings that bring pain
Or can it be the color of
What feels so heavenly but can hurt like hell

The truth may be unknown to some
But to me
Red
That retched color
Only brings my pain and suffering



Do we:

Do we all know
What we think is true
To be true

But what I know is true
Is the love
I know I have from you

Is god,
The being of heaven
Is he real?
Is he true?

Is Life
The life of another?
Is it important?

Do we believe in whats not real?



Last days:

What would happen if we die tommorrow?
Will we leave all the loved ones,
Without saying goodbye?

Or will we leave the haters that we wanted to get back,
Without getting back out them?

Or will we leave the secret admirer
Who was about to say 'i love you'

We never know

So live life to the fullest extent
Get back at those people
And love, live, and sing
Eventhough you might not be able to ^^

Last edited by Aiyanna; 04-05-2010 at 12:55 AM..

stumblefoot
7927.99
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#3
Old 03-13-2010, 11:23 PM

Why do you center your work! Center the title and your introduction by all means but poetry should be put in plain left hand sided paragraphs.

Other than that there not to bad. Typical coming of age stuff from a girl with a brain in her head! (Please pardon my bluntness) :XD

Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
605.18
Aiyanna is offline
 
#4
Old 03-13-2010, 11:50 PM

lol no problem ^^. I like centering my work for some reason ^^.
:feesh:



Fish & the Kat:


The fish swimming freely
In the globe he calls home

The cat come from behind
Creeping closer to the globe with the sunken castle

The fish swims faster and goes into the castle

The cat paws at the globe
But falls off the table

After the brave fish slapped the cat with an unknown
Paddle

The end to the question of whos the preditor and whos the prey xDDD


----------

Angelic skin:

So fair and creamy
I could just taste it on my tongue
The sweet looking skin
The skin of an angel
With a light little halo
Above her head
She sways so softly
In the clouds
Spinning
Round and round
Going to the promised land
Coming from the hell on earth
Into gods arms
The gold gates
Her angelic skin
So creamy and light
Glowing with aspiration
As she finishes her flight
To her destination
She pulls back her amber hair and flashes her blue eyes
To the wonderful world around her
I welcome this angel
With her angelic skin
For now we are together again


Mime:

Copy my movements
As we dance together
Like mimes in street
We dance in the park
Like a cat you follow my movements
My sweet lover
Like mimes we dance
Together
Till the end



Sea Green:

The seaweed
Sways
Like a haven for fish
Its hell for fisherman
The beautiful sea green
Flows together as one
In the spectacular land
Of the unknown
The blue casts a shadow as the green
That soft tinted green takes over
Hinting of the new and improved ocean of waves

Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
605.18
Aiyanna is offline
 
#5
Old 03-31-2010, 08:58 PM

Anything? Any comments? -bows-


1,2,3: (okay a poem I wrote when I was 8 okay, nothing special)

1,2,3 I love me
4,5,6 I like to write about things that make people go fiddle sticks (don't ask xD from sponge bob I think)
7,8,9 write till I die
10,11,12 Oh theres the school bell
13,14,15 I wish I was 16
So I could have a boyfriend.
Who treats me right,
We would never fight
And sleep at night together
Then me and my prince would be together forever

lol comment

Last edited by Aiyanna; 04-01-2010 at 01:52 AM..

Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
605.18
Aiyanna is offline
 
#6
Old 04-05-2010, 12:55 AM

Am I any good???? x( Im not getting any response from people. -dies from suspense- xD)

Aiyanna
我爱你, ৎ...
605.18
Aiyanna is offline
 
#7
Old 04-17-2010, 12:05 AM

Okay TT.TT. Anyone???


Ghost:

To the halls we've searched
To the windows reflection we see
Is it our minds that play tricks on us
Or is it really the dead
Do we just imagine the silhouette
In the windows reflection
Or the apparitions in the doorway when we lay in bed terrified of what we see
Do we like to scare ourselves
Or is it really true
Are the evil
Are the good
Or are they...
Just there?

Whisper Invictus
is in your head.

Penpal
14376.07
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#8
Old 04-18-2010, 01:31 PM

The Lit Forum is pretty inactive. A lot of people post their own work, but they dont go around much looking at other peeps stuff. You have good poems :)

Ode
ʘ‿ʘ
-174.55
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#9
Old 04-18-2010, 09:34 PM

I'm just a bit overwhelmed; I don't usually comment when there's so many poems to look at!

I was about to say "sorry...but these are all pretty awful..." Then I saw you were 13. Now they're nearly decent! Please don't think I'm cruel, I'm highly opinionated because I'm getting my master's degree in poetry. I started writing awful poetry early on and kept getting better and better and better. Keep writing, writing all the time!

I'll give you some helpful pointers, then look in-depth at your first poem. Sound good?

1. DO NOT center your work. It's not just unprofessional-looking, it is really hard to read if all the lines are not the same length.
2. Avoid cliches. What's a cliche? "hurts like hell," etc. Basically write a poem first, don't even think about cliches. Then go line by line and say to yourself "have I ever heard this phrase before?" If you have, replace it with something else. Why? Because it's unoriginal. It's very colloquial as well (in other words, heard in everyday conversation). Cliches tend to dumb-down poems. They're the enemy of good poetry! They're hidden little buggers, too--even the greatest of poets have to fight to get them out of their work.
3. Images over abstractions! An abstraction is another word for an idea, like "sadness," "happiness," or things like "dreaming" or "mystical," or "friendly." These are not words you should NEVER words, but you should realize they have a hazy effect--everyone thinks about "sadness" differently--for one it's not getting a date for prom, for another it's the loss of a child. IMAGES, in response to abstractions, give a clear idea of what KIND of sadness you want. Instead of saying "The sadness is overwhelming, / where did he and I go wrong?" which is fuzzy--we don't know what happened. Is this a couple, siblings, classmates? "His rejection was a weight in my heart, / a tossed stone, now sinking slowly / through thick marmalade ocean." It doesn't need to make logical sense as long as it's an image that people can understand. It's much more interesting than saying "sadness".
4. Language. Make sure your language is cohesive. Unless the speaker is Japanese, and you can tell that in an English poem without using Japanese, then you can add in the Japanese. Otherwise--you speak English, you write in English, so keep the poem IN ENGLISH.
5. Punctuation, syntax, and rules of grammar: remember to edit your work for grammar errors!

So, now the first poem:

Quote:
I cry
I smile
Even for a little while
I swing that white flag above
Will away the inevitable
The truth
I will go down with this ship
With you
In the crystal seas we call home
The waves sway
Back & forth
Our lives ahead
Go down with this ship
Put our hands on the front statue of life love and liberty
When I stand
I'll let it pass
Let it fade
Know I've moved on
I'll go down in this dwelling sea
With OUR ship
We will surrender
Go down
We go deeper
Together in our life
Our life swirling around us
The deep sea
Deeper and deeper we plunge
Gomen my love gomen
This poem strikes me as highly unoriginal. Many lines are reminiscent of Dido's "White Flag": "I swing that white flag above," "I'll let it pass," "I've moved on," and, wow, "I will go down with this ship." You need to be more careful. Btw, pop stars aren't the best to take poetry tips from: they use cliches all the time because they're easy to hear.

Again, get rid of "gomen" unless the speaker is really a native Japanese speaker.

Anyway, how does one "move on" from a relationship when they're "sinking" with the ship that was their relationship? Doesn't that mean that you're trapped in the sadness, being sucked down into it while the other person has escaped the wreckage?

If I were to rewrite this poem (for fun, because it helps me to do so and also, it might help you get a better idea of what I mean):

There is a boat at sea. It is sinking.
Though I am aboard I am not worried.
For a while I cry; for a while I smile.

Here is where you left me,
This skiff is filling swiftly,
Perhaps they're just my tears.

The skiff is our love, I am the captain
of the Lonely Vessel, adrift
from the cruise-boat, lost.

My metaphors are clear
like the ice that cuts the boat
scrapping away more of us, the memory.

The waves erode the wood,
Should I let them erase me, too?
Should I be afraid?

This is still our ship, your sea-foam
eyes stare, your clear breath still pours
down my neck. Perhaps

it is only the wind, pushing/pulling
the skiff farther out. I realize
you are not here, sinking softly

into the deep sea with me. I have been
the only one. The gut of the sea
is churning, churning, churning

It is hungry for me, for a love
I could not share, so I broke off
during the night with the golden doubloons,

your dreams for us. Forgive me,
I'm sailing for Scylla and Charybdis.


I kind of made it my own, gave it my own story--first you assume it's the guy who has deserted the woman who sailed away (using sexes here just for clarification, but the poem is ambiguous), but then you realize it's really the woman who has betrayed the man. I threw in Scylla and Charybdis just because I could, haha. Literary references--or any references of high culture, really--work really well in poems, especially when you're referencing other poems!

Hopefully you have some new ideas. Good luck and KEEP WRITING.

 


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