I'm just a bit overwhelmed; I don't usually comment when there's so many poems to look at!
I was about to say "sorry...but these are all pretty awful..." Then I saw you were 13. Now they're nearly decent! Please don't think I'm cruel, I'm highly opinionated because I'm getting my master's degree in poetry. I started writing awful poetry early on and kept getting better and better and better. Keep writing, writing all the time!
I'll give you some helpful pointers, then look in-depth at your first poem. Sound good?
1. DO NOT center your work. It's not just unprofessional-looking, it is really hard to read if all the lines are not the same length.
2. Avoid cliches. What's a cliche? "hurts like hell," etc. Basically write a poem first, don't even think about cliches. Then go line by line and say to yourself "have I ever heard this phrase before?" If you have, replace it with something else. Why? Because it's unoriginal. It's very colloquial as well (in other words, heard in everyday conversation). Cliches tend to dumb-down poems. They're the enemy of good poetry! They're hidden little buggers, too--even the greatest of poets have to fight to get them out of their work.
3. Images over abstractions! An abstraction is another word for an idea, like "sadness," "happiness," or things like "dreaming" or "mystical," or "friendly." These are not words you should NEVER words, but you should realize they have a hazy effect--everyone thinks about "sadness" differently--for one it's not getting a date for prom, for another it's the loss of a child. IMAGES, in response to abstractions, give a clear idea of what KIND of sadness you want. Instead of saying "The sadness is overwhelming, / where did he and I go wrong?" which is fuzzy--we don't know what happened. Is this a couple, siblings, classmates? "His rejection was a weight in my heart, / a tossed stone, now sinking slowly / through thick marmalade ocean." It doesn't need to make logical sense as long as it's an image that people can understand. It's much more interesting than saying "sadness".
4. Language. Make sure your language is cohesive. Unless the speaker is Japanese, and you can tell that in an English poem without using Japanese, then you can add in the Japanese. Otherwise--you speak English, you write in English, so keep the poem IN ENGLISH.
5. Punctuation, syntax, and rules of grammar: remember to edit your work for grammar errors!
So, now the first poem:
Quote:
I cry
I smile
Even for a little while
I swing that white flag above
Will away the inevitable
The truth
I will go down with this ship
With you
In the crystal seas we call home
The waves sway
Back & forth
Our lives ahead
Go down with this ship
Put our hands on the front statue of life love and liberty
When I stand
I'll let it pass
Let it fade
Know I've moved on
I'll go down in this dwelling sea
With OUR ship
We will surrender
Go down
We go deeper
Together in our life
Our life swirling around us
The deep sea
Deeper and deeper we plunge
Gomen my love gomen
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This poem strikes me as highly unoriginal. Many lines are reminiscent of Dido's "White Flag": "I swing that white flag above," "I'll let it pass," "I've moved on," and, wow, "I will go down with this ship." You need to be more careful. Btw, pop stars aren't the best to take poetry tips from: they use cliches all the time because they're easy to hear.
Again, get rid of "gomen" unless the speaker is really a native Japanese speaker.
Anyway, how does one "move on" from a relationship when they're "sinking" with the ship that was their relationship? Doesn't that mean that you're trapped in the sadness, being sucked down into it while the other person has escaped the wreckage?
If I were to rewrite this poem (for fun, because it helps me to do so and also, it might help you get a better idea of what I mean):
There is a boat at sea. It is sinking.
Though I am aboard I am not worried.
For a while I cry; for a while I smile.
Here is where you left me,
This skiff is filling swiftly,
Perhaps they're just my tears.
The skiff is our love, I am the captain
of the Lonely Vessel, adrift
from the cruise-boat, lost.
My metaphors are clear
like the ice that cuts the boat
scrapping away more of us, the memory.
The waves erode the wood,
Should I let them erase me, too?
Should I be afraid?
This is still our ship, your sea-foam
eyes stare, your clear breath still pours
down my neck. Perhaps
it is only the wind, pushing/pulling
the skiff farther out. I realize
you are not here, sinking softly
into the deep sea with me. I have been
the only one. The gut of the sea
is churning, churning, churning
It is hungry for me, for a love
I could not share, so I broke off
during the night with the golden doubloons,
your dreams for us. Forgive me,
I'm sailing for Scylla and Charybdis.
I kind of made it my own, gave it my own story--first you assume it's the guy who has deserted the woman who sailed away (using sexes here just for clarification, but the poem is ambiguous), but then you realize it's really the woman who has betrayed the man. I threw in Scylla and Charybdis just because I could, haha. Literary references--or any references of high culture, really--work really well in poems, especially when you're referencing other poems!
Hopefully you have some new ideas. Good luck and KEEP WRITING.