I guess I'll throw together a collection of my poems here. Been wanting to post these for days but... couldn't come up with a title for the thread. Feel free to cheerfully comment and give constructive critiques.

Here's the first victim: ~Fool~
I showed this one to a friend on Gaia and it's been on his profile ever since... highest form of flattery i suppose

Covered in my jester's hat
I parade before them all
Giggling and laughing
Away the painted flaws

In a world that's slowly dying
I dance in colors live and bright
Stepping to the pattern
Of a steadily fading life

They see the painted smile
And laugh at all my jokes
They never look beyond the skin
Or beyond the veil of smoke

They see a me of my design
Sketchy lines and fading gestures
Flamboyant colors penciled in
While gray roils and festers

I am the harlequin with brilliant eyes
The unseeing orbs so hollow
I am the bleeding heart unguarded
That the shadows slowly swallow

I am the star that shines so bright
That masks her tattering flaws
The jester with the lyrical voice
That answers beck and calls

Alas, but, I am poor Yurick
Faltering to my own demise
Imprisoned in this counterfeit body
And perpetuating the lies

That happy endings are an ending
That perfection has no flaws
True, every village has its idiot
And I'm the biggest fool of all

I critiqued you on Solia. Hello!! **waves**

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

I critiqued you on Solia. Hello!! **waves**

Hello, I was wondering if i would find anyone who shared the two sites like me hehe. Happened sooner than i thought

Originally Posted by A-new-s_tory

Hello, I was wondering if i would find anyone who shared the two sites like me hehe. Happened sooner than i thought

Indeed it did. I'm on Gaia, too... I'm such nerd when it comes to these sites, but it's only because I want feedback on my poetry and none of the other two are really giving me any... not that this one has even posted a single comment in my thread. I'm publishing soon, so every bit helps. Figured if I branched out, seeing as my friends don't know shit about poetry, I'd get something. HA!

*sigh* the life of a true writer is well burdened and duely misunderstood.

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

Indeed it did. I'm on Gaia, too... I'm such nerd when it comes to these sites, but it's only because I want feedback on my poetry and none of the other two are really giving me any... not that this one has even posted a single comment in my thread. I'm publishing soon, so every bit helps. Figured if I branched out, seeing as my friends don't know shit about poetry, I'd get something. HA!

*sigh* the life of a true writer is well burdened and duely misunderstood.

Give me a link to your thread where ever it is and I'll take a look.

I'm on Gaia, Roliana, Solia and here. That's not mentioning my DA account or my writing site i post on. ehhe

My collective link Thank you very much. It's much appreciated.

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

My collective link Thank you very much. It's much appreciated.

If you want to post poems somewhere else a site called fictionpress.com is a great place. It can be hit or miss but people there are nice.

Hmm.. I'll check it out thanks.

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

Hmm.. I'll check it out thanks.

My name's EbonyRainFall on there. I'm called WordsWillCome on Gaia. Feel free to say hi to me on either of those places. I exchange reviews for reviews :)

magnifcant! I'll certianly look you up then! Again, thank you for the site. :D

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

magnifcant! I'll certianly look you up then! Again, thank you for the site. :D

No problem. People help me; i help people... Well lol doesn't have to be in that order. I just like helping people. Always have. That's why i hate starting on a new site, lol. I hate being the one needing help

Yea, same here, though people don't often take the help given. I beg for it and am better than most. I suppose I'm just never satisfied with my pieces. Whatever the reason, I like to know that I can still improve and more than willing to admit it.

By they by... how I post up poetry on that site? It's a bit comfusing. I don't really understand how to navigate anything.

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

Yea, same here, though people don't often take the help given. I beg for it and am better than most. I suppose I'm just never satisfied with my pieces. Whatever the reason, I like to know that I can still improve and more than willing to admit it.

By they by... how I post up poetry on that site? It's a bit comfusing. I don't really understand how to navigate anything.

The fictionpress site? Yeah it is. Takes me a couple tries to get it right each time i do it. But as i said, people are nice and I'm desperate to here something about my work. Used to sit there with my email notifier on and stalk it waiting for reviews lol.

Anyway, i'll PM you about how to do it. I just posted today so it should be pretty fresh in my mind.

~ Metimil ~

The roaring of the nothing
deafening in its way
The cool embrace of lonesome
that never faded away

Like the whisper in the willows
As the silence on the lake
Like smile of a father
Leaving smiles in its wake

The cold fingers of quiet
that hold the bump in the night
The thing that takes the fall
when chosen words aren't right

Like danger in the shadows
As the green upon the lawn
Like sun going down at evening
As it rising in the dawn

A child trembling in the dark
when comfort can't be found
The echo of a past gone by
slips by without a sound

Like a pat upon the shoulder
As child at mother's chest
Like the sweet sound of the ending
It's the silence I like best

This was a high school assignment. I believe the title was the assignment we had to have like 2 metaphors and 2 similes or something and i just took the whole thing and ran with it.

I love how it turned out.

As a forward; if I ask a question it's because it needs to be answered in your poem. You should NEVER, EVER have to explain your work as it should do that it's self.

A-new-s_tory's

~Metimil ~

The roaring of the nothingStrike out the second 'the'. It's unneeded.
Deafening in my waywhat do you mean by 'in my way'?
The cool embrace of lonesome
That never faded awayThis entire stanza reads funny. You seriously need to put in grammar before I go any further because I can't tell if this was meant as a couple different statements or one whole one. After you do that, I'll critique it fully. :heart:

Like the whisper in the willows
As the silence on the lake
Like smile of a father
Leaving smiles in its wake

The cold fingers of quiet
That protect of the bump in the night
The thing that takes the fall
When chosen words aren't right

Like danger in the shadows
As the green upon the lawn
Like sun going down at evening
As it rising in the dawn

A child trembling in the dark
When comfort can't be found
The echo of a past gone by
Slips by without a sound

Like a pat upon the shoulder
As child at mother's chest
Like the sweet sound of the ending
It's the silence I like best

This was a high school assignment. I believe the title was the assignment we had to have like 2 metaphors and 2 similes or something and i just took the whole thing and ran with it.

I love how it turned out.

Post a response to the review i did for yours and i'll do another. This site is a nazi with the double posting :)

I did. And thank you very much for the insight! I'll have to work that spacing out I suppose. Not sure how, but it'll happen.

I added lower cases in front of the lines that needed it... I hope that's all it needed... I'm not really sure how to work grammar in poems... been ignoring it 8 years...

If it needs more tell me and I'll fix it

Sizzla stole me gold by quoting your poem in my last post. :gonk: Oh well, Let's work first on your grammar an then we'll go on from there, okay?

Originally Posted by A-new-s_tory

~ Metimil ~

The roaring of the nothing
deafening in its wayJust as I thought; this is a fragment. Even in poetry you need correct sentences and periods.
The cool embrace of lonesome
that never faded away

Like the whisper in the willowsLike doesn't need to be capitalized as it's still mid-sentence, just in a different stanza.
As the silence on the lake'As' is also still in the middle.
Likethe smile of a father Same thing with the beginning of this line and the next.
Leaving smiles in its wakePeriod.

The cold fingers of quiet
that hold the bump in the nightFragment.
The thing that takes the fall
when chosen words aren't rightFragment.

Like danger in the shadows
As the green upon the lawnDon't capitalize 'as'. Fragment.
Like sun going down at evening
As it rising in the dawnDon't capitalize 'as'. Fragment.

A child trembling in the dark
when comfort can't be foundFragment.
The echo of a past gone by
slips by without a soundPeriod.

Like a pat upon the shoulder
As child at mother's chestStop capitalzing 'as'. Fragment.
Like the sweet sound of the endingsemi-colon.
It's the silence I like bestPeriod.

This was a high school assignment. I believe the title was the assignment we had to have like 2 metaphors and 2 similes or something and i just took the whole thing and ran with it.

I love how it turned out.

Lots of it is incomplete thoughts and little direction. You can't really even tell what the actual subject of the poem is. I'll work on it with you, though, until you get it down pat what is needed and start producing more than just lists of ideas with line breaks. lol. :heart:

They weren't made to be incomplete thoughts, just lots of descriptions. Think i got carried away with it.

It is a lot of fragments but if they weren't meant to be sentences so do I have to make them into sentences? Some parts you saying flowed together, shouldn't be capitalized, were there own separate thought, not a continuation of the line before.

I know they're fragments, not sentences, but shouldn't they still be capitalized if they stand alone? Just trying to understand, grammar was never my strong point.

Originally Posted by A-new-s_tory

They weren't made to be incomplete thoughts, just lots of descriptions. Think i got carried away with it.

It is a lot of fragments but if they weren't meant to be sentences so do I have to make them into sentences? Some parts you saying flowed together, shouldn't be capitalized, were there own separate thought, not a continuation of the line before.

I know they're fragments, not sentences, but shouldn't they still be capitalized if they stand alone? Just trying to understand, grammar was never my strong point.

No, fragments are against grammar... They must all be complete... or incomplete, but that's a special case and style that I don't think you're quite able to catch on to just yet.

I read those parts as being the same because of how they run together. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and you need to correct it to make it understood that they're seperate in the poem. Don't be afraid to add more to this. It's not always over done just because it's 30-40 lines long.

Originally Posted by Lovers Never Tell

No, fragments are against grammar... They must all be complete... or incomplete, but that's a special case and style that I don't think you're quite able to catch on to just yet.

I read those parts as being the same because of how they run together. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and you need to correct it to make it understood that they're seperate in the poem. Don't be afraid to add more to this. It's not always over done just because it's 30-40 lines long.

I just don't generally go back and do massive overhauls on poems. Never really given it a try. Though i suppose there's a first time for everything. Most I've ever done is change a word, phrase here and there. Guess i see them as where i came from and i like to see my progress.

Though it would kinda be nice to not be scared of going into my saved poems because i know there are some awful ones in there. They wouldn't be awful if i changed them hehe

Metimil ~ redone

The roaring of the nothing
that is deafening in its way.
The cool embrace of lonesome
that never faded away

It's like the whisper in the willows
and the silence on the lake,
like smile of a father,
leaving smiles in its wake.

It's like cold fingers of quiet
that hold the bump in the night.
It's the thing that takes the fall
when chosen words aren't right.

It's like danger in the shadows
and as the green upon the lawn.
It's like sun going down at evening
and as it rising in the dawn.

It's a child trembling in the dark
when comfort can't be found
and echo of a past gone by
that slips by without a sound.

It's ike a pat upon the shoulder
and a child at mother's chest
and like the sweet sound of the ending
It's the silence I like best.

A little poem for Valentine's Day :)

~ So Elementary ~
In the past so elementary...
So harmless, so naive
Candy, cookies, parties
Another valentine to please?

Another day to celebrate:
smiles laughter and cheer,
kisses grace the special ones
and holding secret crushes dear

Cooties keep the distance,
until they find the cure.
Get a shot, resistance,
now there’s a certain lure.

Tiny hearts large with feeling
"If you love her tell her so"
Best to play the heartstrings
and their sometimes empty echo

From kisses made of torture
to teasing with a kiss
Pierced by the arrow
of the trigger happy prince

Misconstrued intentions
Butterflies and candy
Why is it so complicated,
if it’s all so elementary?

A more recent one... with means it was withing the past 6 months...

~ My lips are Sealed ~
My tasteless words I eat so well
as my belly growls with hunger
My mind is full of trickery swell
Sly phrases rehearsed, no blunders

Nothing in, nothing out:
the golden rule I swear
Only lies smother doubt
I shall live on air

Purge myself I know I mustn't:
keep the guilt, the food inside
The sensation is unpleasant,
filled up with all the... lies?

Empty lies that fulfill nothing,
their torture in my eyes
Speak and I lose everything.
Seal my lips, seal my cries

No, I mustn't give in!
This weight's my own to bear.
I will live the future I'm given,
alone in my nightmare.

Slow, so slow, this suicide
Oozing emptiness I feel
But if anybody asks why, I...
I say my lips are sealed

~Thank you~
A poem dedicated to all the girls
who have ever a man treat them like a piece of meat

Is that all I am in your eyes
For you say I am the one the disguise
Yet you draw me in with beautiful lies
And I fall

Prey to the belief that I am perhaps something more than beauty
Something more than a mere tool for your twisted pleasure
Do you not listen when I write these words to you
In near bitter tears

My expression fades
My confidence wanes
and yet you sit there smiling
on the inside
laughing at... me?

So naive to think that perhaps I am more than beauty;
to listen to your sugar words,
to hang on them so sweetly
and yet so bitterly to the end
when all is lost behind the blue and white facade

Thank you, thank you for reminding me of
the rush within
and reminding me
of the bittersweet passions of young men
May I not fall fool again

And so I weep here in this silence
as within my soul blackness spreads
deeper
I am only a tool
I am only a tool
lost in a sea of hormonal bliss
and so I leave you with this

No we may not be friends.

Traveler

I have been most everywhere
In this vast and awesome land
So as my time is ending here
I hope you understand

That the beauty was in the mystery
And the mystery is in the past
So I leave this world today
If any happen ask:

There was a time when I was loving life
And it all seemed so grand
But now it's very boring here
And I beg you understand

It's time for me to leave you
So to free up some space
So others can come to visit
This grand ole timeless place

But you'll see me in the sunset
And you'll see me in the dawn
You'll know you're not alone here
And though I am moving on

Let there be no tears, child
They simply aren't allowed
Another mystery awaits me
As I leave you now

I shall explore its grandness
And marvel as I do
But I promise,
Even if it bores me,
I shall wait for you