Thread Tools

Liquid Diamond
Ich bin die morgen stern!
15751.99
Liquid Diamond is offline
 
#1
Old 02-09-2017, 07:30 PM

February 9th, 2017

"Do I think you're fat? Yea... but that never mattered to me. I still love you"
Huh... if that wasn't the sweetest, most back-handed thing you've ever said to me.

I know I'm fat. I've been fat since 2011. My weight has only gone up and up. The last time he said that to me in 2015, I took matters into my own heartbroken chubby hands and went from 275lbs. to 206lbs in only mere months. I was on the right track and everything was falling into place. I was going to be that girl that weighed next to nothing with an hourglass figure- 36/20/34. 128lbs. That's what I looked like when we started dating in 2006. Then high school ended. Then I took birth control because we started having sex. Then I was put on medication (with fatttt side effects on at least 4 of them). Then I hit college. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I can't really pinpoint where I was doomed. I never had a bad relationship with food or found comfort in it when I was a wee thing. No one else but my mother in my family is really truly "fat". I don't know where to put the blame other than unfortunate circumstances and a weak will.

When I lost 70lbs in 2015-2016, I was on a high-protein/low-carb diet. I was talking with my therapist about how to deal with my food addiction. I didn't really exercise, but I almost didn't really need to. The food change alone was enough to magically shrink! What a concept!! That's all I had to do... that's all I needed to do! Eat to live- not live to eat.
----------------------

Richard is not a fat man. He has a beer belly, but that's about it. His diet never changed, and he was okay with the healthy dinners I cooked after work. My "job" is to make sure he is fed and he comes home to a clean house with folded laundry and fresh sheets. One day, I was too sick to cook dinner. He brings home a big, greasy, oily bag of McDonalds because he wasn't in the mood to cook. "I brought burgers for you, too" he said. Hey, I just weighed myself today! The scale said 206! I was doing really well! I was cocky! So... why not?

That Big Mac hit my lips and my head started swirling. The salty sting of the fries on my lips, the melted cheese and soggy buns, the taste of repressed urges for carbs... the comfort. Suddenly I was in a glossy craze and nothing could pull me out of that trance.

I'm always told "moderation is key" so what was the problem? Sitting there with crumbs all over my chest, crinkled paper in my lap, and a mouth stuffed faster than a thunder bolt I was in ecstasy. But I was 206. A proud 70lbs down. I'll start again tomorrow.
-----------------------

I can't tell you how many "final meal because I'm starting over" moments that I've had. So many, in fact, that I stand here at 266lbs. And no restart. "What will my last meal be?" I'd say to myself. And of COURSE my last meal had to go with my last pint of vodka, tacking on another 1200 calories. Do that "last meal/drink" about 3-4 times a week, and here we are.

I never started over.

It's been almost exactly one year since I was close to going under 200. Last night I had mac & cheese, got drunk, had ramen for my drunk munchies, and I went to bed. There was no celebration that I was going to get better. There was no wishful thinking. Only tears on my pillow as I closed my eyes to sleep.

"Do I think you're fat? Yes..."

I think I needed to hear it out loud to realize this cycle will never end.

I'm not going to say I'm starting over. But I am saying today, as of 3:39pm, I've had a high-protein/low-carb diet. So far, so good.
__________________________________________________ ________________________________

Breakfast - (skipped//slept too late)
Lunch - Salad (kale, lettuce, onion, carrot, cabbage) w/ Italian dressing
3p Snack - Protein Shake
Dinner - Homemade Tomato Sauce, Homemade Meatballs, Zucchini Spaghetti
9p snack - Protein Shake

~~~~Exercise - none :<

Last edited by Liquid Diamond; 02-10-2017 at 02:07 PM.. Reason: added intake and exercise

Liquid Diamond
Ich bin die morgen stern!
15751.99
Liquid Diamond is offline
 
#2
Old 02-12-2017, 07:14 PM

February 12th, 2017

Breakfast ~ Blueberry Yogurt with Bran
Lunch ~ Kale Salad with Grilled Chicken and Walden Farms Dressing
3pm Snack ~ Coffee and Cheese
Dinner ~ Chicken Breast and brown rice with Roasted Squash & Zucchini
9pm Snack ~ Protein Shake
//
Exercise ~ NONE


__________________________________

I'm eating like someone who works out all day, but I'm too defeated and too fat to move any limbs this winter. I'm finally eating a little better, but now my portion sizes are way out of control!! SEND HELP!

I have an elliptical and kick boxing bag down in the basement, as well as a paid membership to the (albeit far away) YMCA. So honestly, I really have no excuse. I also have a beautiful neighborhood to walk around peacefully since our townhouses never sees traffic and we're far from the center of the city where we moved from last July. I'm glad we moved from an apartment that was right next to a bar, another liquor store, and a 24 hour 7-eleven... those late night drunk munchies always got the best of me. I'd walk out at 2am, buy a pint of ice cream, then throw away the bag in the lobby (lest the sound of it crinkling as I walked through the door woke Richard and I'd stand in utter drunk embarrassment having to explain my secret eating).

But since the closest thing resembling a store is a good hour walk there and back, I'm happy to be rid of the convenience. I have a lot of wounded pride I'm still recovering from.
------------------------------

I've been drinking a lot of warm drinks. Tea and coffee, mostly. I stay away from the hot chocolate unless it's Ideal Protein approved. I find that in cases when I'm 'bored' hungry or 'I just ate so I'll live a few more hours without food' hungry, warm liquids always work. I'm not saying replace your meals with them, oh no! But it does soothe a grouchy tummy that's throwing a tantrum like child, being ripped of it's precious carbs. As I'm typing right now, I'm having a nice blended roast with 1oz. skim milk and Truvia. I don't like my coffee overly sweet, anyway.

I guess I should participate in the Valentine's event and earn some pretty things! At least my avatar is thin, right?

Liquid Diamond
Ich bin die morgen stern!
15751.99
Liquid Diamond is offline
 
#3
Old 03-18-2017, 12:35 AM

Everyone, I apologize for the hiatus. It's not just this thread, it's the whole site.

My boyfriend of 10 years is facing Lymphoma cancer. Fingers crossed that everything turns out okay.

In the meantime, I've lost 12lbs since the last post. That's all I can say for now. </3

 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

 
Forum Jump

no new posts