10-01-2009, 09:53 AM
I think I'm going to just quote what I said in another comment elsewhere.
Rhyming doesn't make it a poem and dark themes don't make it deep.
If you're going for deep, it just reads as too juvenile to make me contemplate anything. The rhyming does nothing for you and rhyming neck with heck? Heck pretty much blows your chances of it being a serious poem. Though, you might not be going for serious, I can't tell.
Next time, try leaving out the rhyming or find a different rhyme pattern with some longer lines for a better poem.
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