Apparently.

I didn't want to have to ask for advice for this because I want to solve it on my own, but I guess this is just getting out of hand.

I have a friend online, we've known each other for four years or so now and we were really close. Except, I was always afraid to tell her about anything that was personally bothering me, so instead of going to her and being honest, I would just not talk to her for weeks until I felt better. Which, I guess is an ass thing to do, but I just didn't want her to see me differently if I told her what was bothering me.

Anyway, we stopped talking for about a month last year, then got back in contact and during this time my grandfather was dying and there was a lot of family drama. It was causing me so much stress and I felt I should tell my friend, I'll call her £. So I told her about my grandfather and my stupid family and how mean they were being, but then I shared with her that I was feeling very high risk, i wanted to hurt myself and I shared that with her because I thought we knew each other pretty well and we were friends. I thought she'd say something to take my mind away from it. Instead she just said, "I can't help, nothing I say will make it better."

£ ended up ignoring my messages because she felt I needed "time to myself" especially after I shared with her that my grandfather died, despite me telling her multiple times that I didn't want to be left alone, I wanted a friend to talk to.

A few weeks later she asked if I was okay, and the truth is, I wasn't okay, but I responded really bitchlike and said, "yeah I am" and left it at that. Then later I apologized but didn't hear from her again, that was the beginning of this month and I finally heard from her once more today and she was very pissed with me.

She said she can't forget how mean I was to her.

I'm at my wits end. On one side of the fence, I feel like I shouldn't have to apologize anymore, I feel like I am the one who should receive an apology. Yeah, I acted like a bitch, but it never would have happened if I had my friend to just listen to me talk. Then on the other side of the fence, I feel like I should apologize. I should apologize for thinking it would be a good idea to share my life with her and I should have kept my mouth shut, or I should have gone away like I used to do.

I really loved our friendship and it scares me to know that one wrong move could probably end it forever. I thought we were I separable, but it appears we obviously weren't as close as I thought we were.

How do I respond to her now? Her last message to me said she's sorry but she can't forget my last response to her question of "are you feeling better now?"

I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? Should I just forget it? I really wish to save the friendship but I don't want to do this alone. I finally got used to having her out of my life and now that she's possibly back, I'd feel so horrible to lose her for good.

Help!

Yo Ava. It doesn't sound like to me that you're a horrible friend. It just sounds like you're unsatisfied with how you've handled your friendships so far, and that you want to make a change. And that's okay.

But you have to remember. You made your current friendships while you were presenting yourself as a person who didn't need to talk about her problems. our current friends "connected" with this person, and they may not be able to or want to connect to your new self. There will be people, like this current friend, who can't provide what your new self needs. And that doesn't mean you're being too demanding or your current friend is being cruel. It just means that if you want to change, then you two will be less compatible than beforehand.

I can't tell you whether you should forgive your friend or not. But with the above in mind, also consider this. If you want people to listen to you, then you have to be willing to open up to them. It sounds like you've been hiding your feelings, leading to a lot of pent up frustration. And when your friend refused to talk with you about your grandfather's death, you let out all this frustration at her. Even though she probably wasn't the one who caused all of it. I'm not saying you're wrong to be angry at your friend. But are you angry for the right reasons? Are you angry because of this one instance, or are you angry for all the hundreds of other instances you held your tongue and had to suffer alone?

I hope that all made sense to you. Good luck with your situation, whatever you choose to do with it. c:

This is just my view from how you described it.

It looks like you both took shots at each other. Ignoring her when you had problems can be seen in two different ways. One is you wanted space. The other is a "I dont want to talk to -you- about this." So, really that determines how she took it. If she took it as the second and you have done it a few times. Opening up finally could possibly spark that initial "Sorry. Good luck." response. Which of course would spark that quick "Yeah, I am just fine." response.

I have had many friends over the last 27 years. Few have stuck by my side in my hard times, and trust me. I've had alot of rough time periods. I could be a complete asshole. Other times I just needed an ear or a shoulder to cry on. The ones who have stuck it out with me would forgive me for the things I may have said. Those are the people you want in your life. The ones who you open up to. They know you inside and out and know that you are just frustrate, sad, upset, angry, hate everything about everything. The ones who are willing to stick by you through the bad and good times. Without opening up and letting them see both sides you dont know who the real friends are. It can also set off the appearance you dont trust them.

Friends come and go in life all the time. The strong ones who stay though. They are the ones where both sides work to keep it. I would say the hardest part of making a friendship is the first year. It all depends on how well people are willing to open up and accept.

I hope that you are able to keep the friendship going. Four years is a long time. But, at the same time whatever you feel is best, is going to be the best. I cannot say if you should or shouldn't. That is all dependent on you. I wish you luck either way in your endeavors with it though. :)

I just want to thank you both for the responses...

She decided that we shouldn't be friends anymore. She says things will not be the same between us anymore. I understand. It just brings me down, though. I really did love her and our friendship together.

I guess there's nothing I can do about it now, though.

But thanks again for the responses. They are greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry things ended up that way. I hope you don't blame yourself for what happened. If you need support in the future, then you should continue to ask for it, so that you may build strong friendships with the people willing to provide it.

Ava The Vampire: I am sorry that things ended up like that. :(

Look to the future though and keep your chin up! Take from each person you meet and try to learn from them. I am sure there are things you had wish you had done different or glad you did a certain way. Take from that for each and every new person you meet. Just as with dating, there are plenty of fish out there. Just have to get those ones worth fighting for.

Don't be afraid to ask for advice as well from here. There are a lot of very life-experienced people on this site. We may not know you personally but that will never stop people from helping if you need advice, help or even an ear. Sometimes it is easier to ask "What should I do?!' with a sense of being anonymous without fear of being judged or made fun of.

It can be very hard to open up to people - especially when the comforting mask of the internet affords you the ability to completely hide your feelings. So kudos to you for reaching a point where you felt comfortable opening up! I hope the way this went doesn't discourage you from doing it again. Reaching out to others for comfort is so critical in dealing with emotions. Bottling it up can only make it worse.

But of course, your friend didn't know how to handle your emotions. She had no experience with your little lows, so thus had no idea how to handle a big, big low. It's also important to remember that friends, while they can be helpful, are not professionally trained therapists. They won't always say the right thing, or even know where to begin. Especially with big issues like self-harm. Which doesn't mean that you should keep such issues to yourself, of course! Please, continue to reach out for help when you're feeling bad.

You were right to be hurt that she didn't help you when you needed it most, and she was right to feel disoriented and unsure of how to handle such a big situation. But I'm very sorry to hear that this ended in such hard feelings between you two - that's a huge shame. I would suggest perhaps leaving things alone for a few months, and then trying to reapproach her, if you'd still like to be friends. Don't come in looking for a fight - come to it looking to resolve issues, heal wounds, and regain a friend. Tell her what you told us - that you kept things to yourself for so long because you were afraid of how she would react, not because you didn't trust her or didn't want her help. Apologize for losing your temper with her, and explain that it was because you were feeling hurt. Don't say anything in a way that implies "this is your fault, you are wrong," that's only antagonistic. Just tell her you want your friend back, if indeed you do. Hopefully she will have had enough time to cool down and step back from the situation that she will be able to see that she did not react to the situation well, and that she hurt you when she didn't want to.

Now, back to the underlying issue here - your own problems. Do you have a support system in place beyond this one friend? Do you have family members and offline friends you can (and do) go to when you're feeling like this? I'm very concerned to hear that you reached such a low where self-harm sounded like a good option. I want to make sure you're safe.

If you have friends or family members with whom you have a good relationship, please reach out to them about this if you haven't already. It can be very scary to open up and show people the less pleasant side of you, but this isn't something you can handle alone.

If you don't have that support structure (or even if you do!), there are other ways to get help. The easiest one is crisis lines. There are many, many free hotlines you can call when you need someone immediately. These are completely confidential, and are staffed by people trained in how to help. They'll say all the right things, listen well, and know how to help bring you back to a better place. Many will often check up with you a few days later (with your permission). The next option, which is more effective long-term, but not so easy or free, would be therapy. Are you seeing a therapist currently? They're certainly not just for people with extreme mental issues - they can be loads of help to anyone who is just having a rough time and is having trouble dealing with it. A therapist would listen to all your problems, and help suggest ways of coping that are less destructive. They can help you heal.

Thanks, all.

@Cherry
I am currently safe. I don't have much of a support system, as I don't really keep in contact with the few friends that I do have, as I have the same issues with them. I feel like we're not close enough for me to share the intimate things in my life with them. I'm just naturally distrustful towards people, it's really hard for me to explain how I'm feeling as I always worry they're going to think of me differently and not want to continue being my friend or something. You know? I get the feeling like, "If you only knew who I really was, you wouldn't like me anymore". I hate losing friends, that's why I prefer not to say anything.

It's easier for me to talk anonymously online to strangers than it is for me to talk to my "friends". This online friend that I had for fours years, she was one of the only people who actually got that close to me. I forgot to mention this in my OP, but she knew that I had a history of self harm and suicide attempts. That's why I felt she'd understand how I felt if I told her how I was feeling after the death of my grandfather. However, in the past, when I felt suicidal, I never told her. She wouldn't know anything about it until I told her that I was going to be gone for a while because I'd be in the hospital. Even then, I only told her basics like, "I'm going to kill myself, so my parents are taking me to the hospital, I won't be around for a couple of weeks." I feel bad about it now, but all of those times that that has happened, she's stuck with me and was there for me when I was discharged.

I currently see a therapist, but again, I have the same problem with talking about how I really feel. I've seen this same therapist for going on three years now and I've been in therapy since I was 14. It says a lot when I finally opened up to my friend in the middle of the situation, I think. I'm not blaming her for deciding to end the friendship. I mostly blame myself, I should have been more open with her while I could have. I've got too much emotional baggage, I can understand it if she didn't want to carry that anymore.

I'm sorry you and your friends relationship ended like this . Usually when our relationship with another ends its because we have learned what we have to learn from that person. Not sure if that makes it any easier.

I think though you said yourself that you would normally disappear for a few weeks when stuff became too much. So maybe this friend picked up on that being your coping mechanism because its how you usually deal.

It was a huge step being able to open up and although its hard sometimes it really does make things and feelings easier to handle .

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist! I understand that opening up can be hard, but try to remember that listening to your problems is your therapist's job. Their opinion of you won't change, they won't stop seeing you. Their sole purpose is to listen to your problems and help you sort through them.

Like, let's say you have really messed up teeth. They're crooked and rotting and chipped in all sorts of places. If you went to a dentist, you'd need to open your mouth and show the dentist the problems so they could fix it, right? You might be ashamed of those teeth around your friends and family, but it's the dentist's job to see and fix your teeth. And whatever you bring to them, they've seen worse.

So your therapist is absolutely equipped to deal with your problems, and opening up to them can only help you! It's hard, but understand that this is one place you're not going to get hurt.

(side note: and if you do feel your therapist will hurt you, they've given you some reason not to trust them, etc. please please please seek out a new therapist. Bad ones do exist, and you don't have to live with that.)

Thanks, Bbe.

That does make sense, Cherry.
I know I should have gone to my therapist about this whole issue with my grandfather instead of my friend. I just thought I could trust her, I don't know what happened. I have spoken to my therapist about our arguments and she also told me that I should have just called her instead. I just did everything wrong, wrong wrong.

Thankfully, my current therapist is one of the best that I've yet seen. If there was a way to make talking to her easier, I totally would do it. I guess it's probably worth talking to my therapist about my loss of friendship as well.

There's no guarentee that if you had've called her it wouldn't have ended the same way. You opened up to someone in a time of need and well they didn't want to know. I've been there alot of times, go through a load of stuff they seem like a good friend then when you really need someone they react like that.

You reacted with the defence mechanism of "I'm fine" when you really want to scream I'm not fine I need someone. You're not a bad friend for doing that everyone does it. She might be feeling the same as you that they're an awful friend, they might come back and if they do then maybe a fresh start will be in order.

Sometimes when people do things like that to you, you've just got to go ppffft to you if you're going to act like that.

I think you're misunderstanding your therapist here. That, or she's just blatantly wrong. Yes, it would have helped you to go to her with your problems. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have talked to your friend about it too! It's completely normal to bring your problems to a friend. And it's not like you have a limit on how many people you can talk to - talking to your therapist and talking to your friend are not mutually exclusive.

Secondly, it doesn't mean you messed up by not talking to your therapist. It's not some huge mistake! I certainly didn't mean to imply that, and I doubt your therapist did either. Talking to her at the time would have been a good idea, but you didn't. No harm, no foul. If anything, I would go to her with this belief that a missed opportunity is some big fuck-up that represents a larger pattern. That's a seriously self-harming thought pattern and it concerns me.

And yes, definitely talk to her about this loss of friendship. It might even be a good idea to let her know that you're having trouble opening up to her, if she doesn't already know that. I'm sure there are steps she can take to try to make you more comfortable, if she knows you need them.

And finally, just a bit of curiosity on my part... do you know which method of therapy she subscribes to? Cognitive-behavioral? Freudian? Third wave? I keep making assumptions as to what her intentions are, but those are largely unfounded if I don't know which method she believes in.

Firstly, she's a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral) therapist that specializes with working with trauma clients.

Maybe I am misunderstanding her. I can't remember her exact words, but I think she said if I'm feeling like hurting myself, it'd be best to tell either my parents or her, as my friends probably won't be the best to go to, as they probably wouldn't know what to do or say in that situation... I know better now, though.

It feels like a horrible mistake. If I never talked to my friend about this issue, if I never told her that I was in the middle of trying my best not to find something to hurt myself with and go to town on myself, then I would still have her friendship. I'm sorry, it really does feel like a huge, awful, terrible mistake. Just one little thing, if I never mentioned it, we'd still be friends.

This whole situation just makes me feel like it was a huge mistake. I thought going to my friend would make me feel better but it just made me feel so much worse. I mean, like... I already know that I'm a pretty fucked up person for hurting myself. I didn't need to have her get angry at me for that. And then just leaving me with, "Well, I can't help" like I'm some sort of lost cause...

I don't remember when I see my therapist next, but my appointment should be coming up soon, I will make sure to talk to her about this, though...

Ok, good to know! Thanks for humoring my pointless curiosity on that matter.

Okay, I'm guessing what she probably meant was that going to a friend when you're feeling like self-harming is a bad idea because it can be dangerous for you. Because your peers don't know how to deal with that, and could potentially make it worse (which happened). It's not that going to your friends with troubles is bad - that's a normal and good thing - but they're not properly equipped to deal with problems of that magnitude. Whereas your therapist is a professional and knows how to help you get through it! So relying solely on a friend could overwhelm the friend and not get you the help you need. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I worded it very clearly.

Yes, you would still be friends with her if you hadn't told her about that... but follow me on this for a minute. What kind of friendship is it if you can't even be real with your friend? If all you're "allowed" to do with your friend is be chipper and fake-happy, is that really a good, healthy friendship? Sometimes "pretending" to be happy can be beneficial (the whole "fake it 'til you feel it" thing), but if you feel like you could not get support from your friend, even if you really needed it (and you clearly did), how great of a friendship is that?

Now, I'm not saying the friendship didn't or shouldn't have meant something to you. Of course it did! And you have every right to feel upset about it being over. But try to detach from the scenario for a moment and ask yourself, "should a person be able to tell their good friend about their problems?" Of course they should be able to. Friendships aren't superficial. And you deserve better than a superficial friendship. And you are not at fault for trying to have a real friendship and opening up to your friend. That's a normal thing to do. It's normal and healthy to talk about problems with friends. Maybe the best supportive friend wouldn't have been able to properly help you, but they would not have gotten mad at you and treated you so poorly. The least a good friend could do would be to listen, be empathetic, and ask you what you need from them. A good friend wouldn't treat you like that person did.

And I know, that might just hurt more. I'm sorry. But I do want you to see that you're not at fault for what happened here. It's normal for friends to go to friends with their problems. You did nothing wrong for doing that.

THIS HERE

It's normal for friends to go to friends with their problems. You did nothing wrong for doing that.

That is so very true.

I went though something similar to you. I blamed myself for a long time before I realized, I can't help how I am and it's their problem if they can't accept it.

A good friend isn't just going to toss you aside when you need them.


Ava you're not a as you put it fucked up person for self harming, it's incredibly common, it's not the ideal way of dealing with things and it's very hard to brake that cycle once you're in it. Maybe CBT would be good for you to help brake the cycle of I don't know how to deal with this I'm going to hurt myself.

And don't ever think you're a lost cause because you're not.

It feels like azhorriblezmistake. If I never talked to my friend about this issue, if I never told her that I was in the middle of trying my best not to find something to hurt myself with and go to town on myself, then I would still have her friendship.

Ava hun, that's not fair on you at all. Friends are supposed to be there through good and bad, love you even if you aren't being very loveable. She failed you not the other way about.
She can't be your friend when she thinks your life's all sunshine and glitter. Then act like an ass when its raining a little.

@Cherry

That does make sense. Thanks for explaining that, I think that's probably what my therapist meant. :)
But I'm sorry. It's just so hard for me to accept that what happened wasn't my fault. :(
You're right, I'd say that a friend should be able to go to their friends when they're struggling. But I don't know... I feel like I'd be happier if we were still friends.


@HIM
Thanks. I went through a year of group DBT and that was supposed to help with my self harm urges, and it did, but when my grandfather died it was like all of that therapy just went out the window. :/

@Bbe
Thanks, Bbe.
I don't know what happened that made this friendship end... In the past when I was struggling, I'd go away and she seemed to understand that I was having a hard time. I don't know why that now when I finally opened up to her in the middle of it, she decided to leave. :( Maybe I am the one who changed?

Well you need friends who are going to be able to hold you up when you need it. Even if that's a new thing for you or not. She's obviously not strong enough to be the one to do that.