Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Isaac.. you choose the strangest girls to bring home,"

I’d change the ellipses to a comma.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… perhaps a bit darker.

Darker than what? Than Isaac or your description?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

His hair had a slight similar cut to Isaac's, but Reed was a little tougher looking.

I’d cut out ‘slight’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… the guy was the complete opposite.

Of what? Of being stern? I’d rephrase the sentence.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… a special relationship with Isaac.

Perhaps I have a dirty mind, but that came off as ‘gay’ to me. I didn’t get that it was meant to. Maybe rephrase?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Isaac this time though, did not seem to be listening to Reed right then and there, since he was staring at Aimi like he'd seen a ghost.

I’d rephrase this sentence for flow. Maybe: “Isaac did not seem to be listening to Reed this time, though.”
And ‘like he’d seen a ghost’ sounds like he’s scared. Is he meant to be scared or shocked?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"I think she means that she's lost her memory.." a girl who she recalled to be Jian suggested.

I’d change the ellipses to a period and cut out ‘a girl who she recalled to be’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… but she wasn't sure from what part of Asia.

I think you can do without this, since we don’t have any other indication that she’s from Asia rather than just having Asian heritage.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… and a slightly circular face.

I’d cut out ‘slightly’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… with the most adorable small eyes…

Since you’ve gone into a more third-person omniscient POV, it sounds like this line is coming from the narrator rather than Aimi. That makes it seem a little awkward. The reader should probably decide on their own if they think her eyes are adorable or not.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She had the straightest black hair out of all them, including Aimi herself, with the most adorable small eyes, the colour looking black but actually being a very dark brown.

I feel like this sentence is really long. I’d split it up into two.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… but many would consider them male, as well as twins.

I feel like you should save this for later and show the reader instead of telling us.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Sloane was mistaked for a guy a lot more than Reagan.

‘mistaken’ instead of ‘mistaked’
And this is another part I feel like this would be better served as a show instead of tell.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She had an average skin tone…

Since they’re both girls, I’d say ‘Sloane’ instead of ‘she’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

With Reagan it was easier to tell her gender.

I’d switch the words around here: “Reagan’s gender was easier to tell”.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

His friends didn't seem to be 'in on the secret' since they had no idea what was going on.

I’d don’t understand what this sentence is for?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Well... only water, for some odd reason.. And even that is fuzzy.. can you tell me what's going on?"

I’d cut out the second and third ellipses and make them periods.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

…, staring at the pacing tense copy of the father.

I’d add a comma after ‘pacing’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Aimi was scared he would too start screaming…

I’d cut out ‘too’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Aimi wished everything was just back to normal, and she could remember everything.

This sentence seems to imply that she does remember some idea of her old life, which I don’t think you meant.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

- which took a week at most -

I’d cut this out and wait until you’re in a transition scene to tell the reader, instead of telling us in the middle of the scene.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… trying to find her killer.

Unless she’s going to turn out to be a ghost living in a memory or something I’d change this to ‘attacker’. If you’re going for the idea of him killing her memory, you need to establish that before referring to him as ‘her killer’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She wanted revenge, for what, the girl was not quite sure, but she didn't like the feel of death, or the verge of it.

I suggest breaking this sentence up. “She wanted revenge. For what, the girl was not sure. She didn’t like the feel of death…”
I’d also suggest cutting out, or explain, ‘for what, the girl was not sure’. If she was nearly killed, I thought it was kind of obvious what she wants revenge for.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

I don't think you.. drowned on purpose," he confesses…

I’d cut out the ellipses. ‘confesses’ should be ‘confessed’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Uh.. Is it only me, or do you think people usually drown purposely?"

Since I think she’s being sarcastic, I’d cut out ‘Uh… Is it only me, or’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"I'm trying to say that someone tried to kill her!!"

You only need one exclamation point.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Aimi paled for a moment, before growing angry.

I don’t really understand why, since she remembered being attacked (when we got the ‘and not waste time trying to find her killer’ line).

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

she bawled her fists in anger.

‘balled’

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Woah.. calm down guys, we don't need to go against eachother here,"

I’d use a comma after ‘woah’ instead of ellipses and ‘each other’ is two words.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Okay, listen I'm sorry.

I’d add a comma after ‘listen’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… Isaac was being so... mean to her.

Since you’ve moved over omniscient POV, this makes Aimi sound rather petty.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

He kept interrupting her, and she was getting too impatient, she wanted to tell him to shut the hell up.

I’d change the comma after ‘impatient’ to a period.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Aimi was clearly very tired, but who knew? Maybe Isaac was also tired.

I’d cut out ‘who knew?’ and add ‘Maybe Isaac…’ to the previous sentence.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Not to make things worse than they already are, but whoever tried to kill you will come after you again once they find out you're not dead,"

I don’t understand how anyone came to this conclusion? This is assuming that the attacker was going for her specifically, rather than it being a random attack or if she simply fit the profile of someone who attacks serially. How did they come to this conclusion?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

He was presumably south african…

‘South African’ should be capitalized.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… before being interrupted by you-know-who.

Who is ‘you-know-who’?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"She doesn't legally exist, at least, not on Earth according to my father, which means we'll have to check the other planet's databases,"

Okay, I love that this is going sci-fi, but I feel like it should have a base earlier in the story. Maybe during some of the amazing description in the first chapter? Or a passing comment when she first wakes up? Just some kind of base so that the reader isn’t completely taken by surprise with this.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Oh that'll be awesome coach!

I’d add a comma after ‘awesome’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Those two girls certainly made things a lot entertaining.

Again, I couldn’t tell whether this was supposed to be coming from Aimi or the narrator. I don’t think it should come from the narrator – let the reader decide it.
Also I think you missed a ‘more’ between ‘lot’ and ‘entertaining’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Oh yes, but we can be more Ray, much much more.

I’d put the second ‘much’ in italics.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Reagan continues with a smile.

‘continued’, just a tense error.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Reagan nods and acts as though she's an older male with glasses, as Sloane acts her part, and both fall into laughter.

‘nodded’ ‘acted’ ‘she was’ instead of ‘she’s’.
This is also kind of a long sentence.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Keto eyes them warily…

‘eyed’

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Aren't you two a little.. female for private investigators?" Keto jokes, and both wink at him.

Ellipses should have three dots.
‘joked’

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Sloane says with a naughty smile, and Reagan accompanies her with a giggle.

‘said’ ‘accompanied’

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Keto, uh.. god, it'd be so much easier if you had a name.

This sounds a little like he’s talking to Keto. Maybe add an ‘and’ between ‘Keto’ and ‘uh’?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Whatever you say darling,"

I don’t really understand how this is an answer to her question?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Oohh! The girl's blushing Ray, look at that!"

And I don’t understand why Aimi is blushing about it? I suppose because he called her ‘darling’, but he still seems to be telling her ‘Yeah, we think you’re no one.’

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Quit it guys," she responded with a smile.

I’d drop this into a new paragraph.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Looks like there's something going on with Nemo and flame boy!"

Flame boy? Because of his hair?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

There was a small pause before Reed clapped and before turning serious, he checked to make sure Reagan and Sloane were looking…

I’d cut out the second ‘before’ and ‘turned’ to ‘turning’. I’d also change the comma after ‘serious’ to a period.

--

You need to put in some paragraph spaces like you did in the first chapter. In Word or in print, the scene doesn’t really call for it, but because of the formatting of the posts on the internet, it makes everything look like a big block of text. It’s kind of intimidating.

I know there’s a lot of hesitance in the dialogue here, but I feel like in both chapters you’re over doing it on the ellipses. A comma also represents a pause in dialogue, so I think you could change a lot of them to commas or periods. Ellipses tend to be used when someone simply trails off or there is a very long pause.
(For example when you used the ellipses as Isaac trialed off.)

As the story progresses you randomly switch over to present tense from past tense. It’s really jarring and can really hurt the flow of a story. So watch for that in chapter three. (I think I caught all the instances here, though. So this chapter should be good.)

You also seem to switch from third-person limited to third-person omniscient. Since you change between chapters it’s not a big deal, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention since I wasn’t sure you intended to do it.

I was a little surprised they didn’t even try to call the police (or their equivalent). I understand you want the story to be the kids figuring it out, but if they don’t even try to call the police (or the hospital) it starts to lose credibility. So you might think about putting something in about that.

And even though I said we needed a base for it earlier in the story, I am actually really glad this is going to be a sci-fi. So excited for it!

I'm going through Chapter One now. =]

Annnd here's Chapter one!

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… there was only a minuscule chance of ever surviving this.

I’d cut out ‘ever’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Which meant it wasn't as deep…

I’d change ‘which’ to ‘that’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… swallowed another gulp of salt water…

I’d change ‘gulp’ to ‘mouthful’. Gulp seems more like a sound effect to me.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She could not even feel the extensive amount of chilled water surrounding her.

Maybe ‘pressure’ instead of ‘extensive amount’?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

But there was still hope.

I’d drop this into its own paragraph since it begins a new thought.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She may overcome the swiveling evil darkness, the cold that bit at her skin.

I’d change ‘may’ to ‘might’ so it goes with the other two sentences it. And maybe ‘swirling’ instead of ‘swiveling’? I’d put ‘and’ after ‘darkness’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Everything she was thinking about, she had no answers to.

I’d make this simply ‘She had no answers’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She wasn't offered much time to lie there, because with a creak, she heard the wooden doors open.

I’d cut out ‘because’ and start a new sentence at ‘with’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

With jet black hair in long strands…

I’d change ‘With’ to ‘He had’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… and flip flops on, curious eyes met hers as he stopped to look at her.

I’d end the first sentence at ‘on’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… and he sounded.. tense?

Three dots.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Yeah pa?" he answered, but he stayed where he was.

I’d cut out ‘but he stayed where he was’, since generally the reader won’t assume he moved.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

It didn't occur to her that she could have been kidnapped, or something.

I know I said just to change ‘or whatever’ the first time, but I think you could probably just drop the whole clause of ‘or something’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

She presumed since she wasn't tied up, and she was wearing what looked like clean clothes, she was a guest…

I’d add ‘that’ after ‘clothes,’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… but she could seen the resemblance.

‘see’ instead of ‘seen’. Just a tense issue.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… the slightest bit of information about her.

I’d use ‘herself’ instead of ‘her’.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

Had she lost her memory?

I think this all feels much more natural now. =]

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

How can she not exist, she felt pretty alive.

‘could’ instead of ‘can’.
I’d change the comma to a question mark and make this two sentences.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"I'm sorry... my dad... he..."

I’d spererate ‘my dad’ with commas instead of ellipses.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

… or are you hungry.. or.." the man again…

Ellipses

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

'boy, did they have a nice kitchen'.

‘do’ instead of ‘did’, since when you’re telling us exactly what she’s thinking it’s a present tense thought.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

A back door lead to a beach, as though it were their private garden, and the counters were made of wood, as well as the cubboards.

I’d rephrase this as “... and the counters and cupboards were made of wood’.
And ‘cupboards’ has a p instead of b, right?

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Alright guys.." after they all gathered into the kitchen with curious eyes…

I’d make that a period instead of ellipses and since you’re talking about an action rather than ‘he said/asked’ ‘After’ should be capitalized.

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

And guys, this is..

Ellipses

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Uhm.. well.. you see.. I... uh.."

Ellipses

Originally Posted by iisanely sane

"Well.. I.. uh.. kind of.. forgot?"

Ellipses

---

I hadn’t thought of this until after I read the second chapter, but since Aimi doesn’t remember her name, why not stop referring to her by it in the narration as well? It could be an interesting way to write it, though it’ll require a lot of creative sentence structure and word choice.

I still really love the beginning, though! And it definitely got better!

Thank you Nolori, I will respond to you when I have more time. I'm at an internet cafe because my internet is down.

Woo! Internet is back up. I'll edit the chapter one and two. Thank you soo much!

I must say, I really like chapter one now, its only chapter two which I need to work on, before I can work on chapter three :D

Ohhh! And I've also made a picture of Reagan, and MAYBE Isaac, though I'm not happy with how his picture came out. I'm not the greatest artist, but I think I did alright. I'll show it when I can get on my mom's pc.

No problem! I'm glad you like the edits!

I admire your patience for drawing. I can't make myself draw my characters in any fashion other than basic design. It bores me and I get frustrated with it far too easily. Artists amaze me!

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Isaac hardly looked at Reed as he stared at the blond girl unbelievingly…

I’d make this two sentences. ‘Issac hardly looked at Reed. He stared at the blond girl unbelievingly…’

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Everyone couldn't really understand what was going on.

The wording seems awkward. Maybe ‘No one could really understand’ instead of ‘Everyone couldn’t’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Even Sloane and Reagan, who are usually very open minded to this sort of thing…

‘who were’ instead of ‘who are’ and I’m pretty sure ‘open-minded’ has a dash.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

But was she just joking?

Since you just mentioned she could be joking, I think you could just cut out ‘just joking’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… unable to fully grasp what was going on.

It seems like you say this a lot. Maybe you can rephrase this? Or cut it out?

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Things were spinning out of control, Isaac was getting nervous.

I’d change the comma to a period.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

He didn't like not knowing anything about her…

This is a double negative, so I’d rephrase it.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… just like Aimi thought she could have been kidnapped, he thought about what she could have been.

I’d rephrase this. It took me a couple times to understand.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"I think she means that she's lost her memory..”

Either three dots for ellipses or you’ve got an extra period.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Sloane exclaimed with wide brown eyes.

There should be a comma after ‘wide’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Things were really stretching out of her usual every day life, she'd never known someone could lose their memory just like that.

I’d change the comma to a period.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… an injury to the head, or brain trauma.

This seems a little redundant. Maybe just head or brain trauma?

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Where did you say you found her Isaac?"

There should be a comma after ‘her’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

His father never liked Aimi, ever since he saw her first, which was when Isaac was carrying her unconscious body through the kitchen, had his father disliked her.

I don’t really understand this. Can you really say he doesn’t like her if he’s never actually met her while she’s conscious? I understand him not wanting to be involved, but I don’t understand him not liking her personally.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

But he'll leave that tale for later…

‘he’d’ instead of ‘he’ll’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Truth is…

‘was’ instead of ‘is’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Isaac sighed as he gazed at her eyes, so blue but green at the same time, he didn't want to say it, he really didn't want to, but he didn't have much choice.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… feeling so guilty for having to tell her.

I’d cut out ‘so’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… she was really really hoping…

I’d change the second ‘really’ to give it more emphasis.
‘… she was really, really hoping…’

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

Why was she drowned?

I’d put in a ‘nearly’ drowned or something, since she wasn’t actually drowned.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… with some sort of demon I think.

I’d put in a comm. after ‘demon’. I also think this was introduced much better than the original introduction to the sci-fi/fantasy than the last version.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Don't even mention them coach,"

I’d put a comma after ‘them’, since you use ‘coach’ as a name.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

But no one answered for a moment…

I’d cut out ‘But’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… she didn't know what it was like to have parents, she forgot…

I found this a little hard to believe. While I can believe that she forgot who her parents were, I can’t believe that she’s forgotten them on an emotional level. Even assuming that she has, as a culture we associate love and protection with parents, so to not know what it’s like, it’s almost like she’d have had to forget cultural archetypes too. Since, besides forgetting her past, she’s still acting like a normal person, I find it difficult to believe.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

So we cannot figure out who the attacker is…

I’d add a comma after ‘So’. It also seems a little awkward that he uses ‘cannot’ instead of ‘can’t’. I admit this could be because I don’t know the character well. Does he usually talk without contractions?

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Yeah, she doesn't legally exist on earth…

‘Earth’ should be capitalized, since you’re using the word as the name for a planet instead of using it as a word for the ground.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

OK so how about Isaac, Jian, Sloane, Reagan and uhm.. you know…

You used a lower-case ‘k’ in the last okay, so you should pick one and go with it throughout the piece. I’m partial to ‘okay’ myself.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"I believe it means No one, or Nobody,"

I’d put single quotations around ‘No one’ and ‘Nobody’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Awesome Ray!

I’d put a comma before ‘Ray’,

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

I just realized…

‘I just realized’ what? What did she realize? If you meant realized they get to go to the crime scene you should put that before the line about them getting to see it.
‘I just realized! We get to see the crime scene!’

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Yeah coach!

Comma after ‘yeah’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

"Oh but we can be so much more!

I’d put a comma after ‘you’ and cut out ‘but’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

… because their ready for action!

‘they’re’ instead of ‘their’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely Sane

And all of them left…

I’d cut out ‘And’.

--

I like this version much better! Most of the things I mentioned were just phrasing and grammatical issues.

Have you been working on chapter 3?

Thank you so much Nolori, again! *sigh, I really should stop saying that xD*
I feel like this chapter two is better, but a bit rushed in the end, no?

And yes, i'm working on chapter 3. I have a few plans in store for them.

Yeah. It is a little rushed. I think it works up until that last sentence with "And all of them left". Maybe you could end with them about to leave instead of actually leaving? Since you're going into another chapter, you might just have a silent time lapse there.

I believe I understand how I can keep to one characters POV now, and have fully edited chapter 2. Tomorrow I'm going to try and do a quick write and write chapter 3 and 4 in one go ^^

Here's chapter 2 for now: (not very different, you don't have to proof read it for now)

“Isaac, you choose the strangest girls to bring home," Reed remarked with a frown. Isaac glanced at Reed before returning his stare toward the blond girl, unable to believe what she had said. He was not the only one confused, nobody could really understand what was going on. Even Sloane and Reagan, who Isaac knew to be very open minded to this sort of thing, were staring with doubt. Realizing he hadn’t explained what happened to Xia, Isaac knew the others couldn't see the connection. Isaac, on the other hand, was hoping it was a joke. Things would be so much more complicated if she had lost her memory. But was she joking? Xia looked serious, everyone could tell that.

"What do you mean you forgot?" Isaac (too many males to know who “he” is) exclaimed, unable to grasp what was going on. Things were spinning out of control, Isaac was getting nervous. He didn't like not knowing anything about her, just like Xia thought she could have been kidnapped, he thought about what she could have been. Perhaps she was a normal high school girl. On the other hand, if you were a pessimist like Isaac, she was a serial killer.

"I think she means that she's lost her memory," Jian recalled from the corner of the group, usually the quiet one with Keto, who’ve been dating on and off in Isaac’s opinion. It was difficult to tell, their affection for each other was clear, but it seemed they weren’t confident on confronting one another.
Jian was an asian girl, with a slightly sadistic feel to her, but she warms up to you once you meet her. Isaac felt wary of her at first, but she’s a great person, very good with her swords. With short black hair and a slight fringe, black eyes followed everything that was going on.

"Say what? How can someone just lose their memory just like that?" Sloane exclaimed with wide brown eyes. Things were really stretching out of her usual everyday life, Isaac didn’t blame the girl for getting confused.
"You can say that again. Last time I checked, memory loss was caused by an injury to the head, or brain trauma. But what do you know? Maybe someone has found a way to conjure a memory loss out of nowhere. Maybe she knew something she shouldn't have," Reagan suggested with a shrug.

“No kidding. It’s got to be a joke or an act.” Reagan’s face reflected Sloane’s incomprehension of the situation, as she disputed Jian’s conclusion that Xia had lost her memory. “Last time I checked, memory loss was caused by an injury to the head, or brain trauma. But what do we know?” Isaac thought Xia would have to be a pretty good actor to pull something like this off. “But she does look serious.” Reagan continued as if reading Isaac’s mind. “Maybe someone has found a way to conjure a memory loss out of nowhere. Maybe she knew something she shouldn’t have.” Reagan suggested with a shrug.

"Where did you say you found her Isaac?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. Isaac nervously looked at each curious face in the room, all looking at him.
Somehow Isaac didn't feel comfortable giving them the news, but he knew they would have to know at some point, no one else could tell them for him either. It was Isaac and his father who knew, and somehow, he thought it'd be best if Isaac told them. His father never liked Xia, even when he met her, which was when Isaac was carrying her unconscious body through the kitchen door, had his father disliked her. But he didn’t think it was worth knowing.
He couldn’t imagine how Xia would feel to know that just when she thought it was complicated, it got worse. He tried to imagine how he’d react in her situation, but he quickly left that trail of thought, not too eager to continue it.

"Well, this isn't going to be easy, but I found you in the ocean. You were drowning," he paused. Isaac just wanted to end it at that, and say that was it, but it wasn't. Truth is, the worst part hadn't even arrived until now.
"That isn't it though," Isaac sighed as he gazed at her eyes, such a deep purple, he didn't want to say it, he really didn't want to, but he had no choice.
"Someone tried to drown you, someone tried to kill you," he finished, eyeing her slowly, feeling so guilty for having to tell her. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for her to take this in, but she needed to know. Something he kept repeating to himself so as to not feeling too horrible. It wasn't his fault.
Isaac watched as she blinked with a loud gulp, avoiding his gaze. She looked just as overwhelmed as he did, completely pale to the face, hands shaking, and the girl seemed to take her time in answering. No one spoke. All was silent besides Xia’s occasional soft mumbles to herself.
"You are so fucking joking,” she finally exclaimed, lifting her head. Isaac didn’t want to answer, and was relieved when Jian did.
"I don't think he is," Jian responded for him, and Isaac nodded as though to confirm it. Xia sighed, she looked as though she’d given up on the false hope of it being a bad joke, but Isaac would never joke about that sort of thing – he hoped anyway.

"That's not what you should be focusing on. If you saw that she was drowned, you must have seen the attacker," Reed guessed, and Keto nodded, Isaac guessed Keto had been thinking the same. Isaac unfortunately, didn’t have much good news to give. He sadly shook his head.
"No, as soon as he noticed me, he vanished. Or at least, sensed I was there. He didn't even look up to know I was there, I couldn't see his face. I don't know what we're dealing with, maybe some sort of demon? Not quite sure, but he just vanished into thin air. Maybe a human possessed by a demon?" Isaac guessed, but somehow, it didn't sound right for what he thought he'd seen.

"It sounds a lot more powerful than that," Jian thought, clearly focusing as she stared at something part or on her bracelet, Isaac didn’t seem to be sure.

"Would it possibly be a..." Sloane trailed off as she looked at Reagan.

"Don't even mention them, coach," Reagan paled, and so did Sloane. Everyone exchanged glances amongst one another, all except for Xia, who had no clue about Sloane and Reagan’s tragic story.
"A what?" Xia impatiently asked, looking around. But no one answered for a moment, clearly not wanting to have to talk about it in front of Sloane or Reagan. Isaac certainly didn’t want to make things any worse than he had done, so he stayed quiet. Jian sighed, as though saying 'alright, I'll tell her then'.

"A mage. There are certain mages that are very powerful, and both Reagan and Sloane's parents were killed by one," Jian answered. Sloane and Reagan stared at the floor as the memories came back. Isaac liked to think that the silence followed was an apology for having to bring it up and discuss it.

"Ok. So we cannot figure out who the attacker is, have you run a search on her ID?" Reed asked, turning to Isaac. Isaac nodded, and Reed looked suddenly hopeful, but the glee left his face when Isaac actually answered.

"Yeah, she doesn't legally exist on earth, which means we'll have to check the other planets' databases," Isaac answered with a sigh.

"But that takes ages! At least a week for all eight planets. Isn't there another way?" Jian whimpered. Keto took her hand in sympathy, and they exchanged a small smile before returning to the conversation.

"You don't have to come, Jian. How about you, Isaac, Sloane, and Reagan go to the place…- the crime scene, and… Jesus, you know, this would be so much easier if she had a name. You're Nemo, ok? So Isaac, Jian, Sloane, and Reagan will go to check out the crime scene. Keto, Xia and I will search the databases," Reed decided with a nod.

"Nemo?" Sloane frowned, unable to understand why he chose that name. Isaac didn’t understand the choice of name either. She didn't look like a Nemo to him, with the sleek long black hair, the deep purple eyes and long lashes, she looked more like a Zoey, for some odd reason.

"I believe it means No one, or Nobody," Reagan explained, and everyone finally released a sound of understanding ‘Aaahh’. Besides Xia.

"Wait, you think I'm no one?" she exclaimed, clearly trying to look insulted. "How dare you!"

“It isn’t an insult to you honey, I just don’t know who you are yet, but you can choose now,” Reed quickly said. Isaac sighed under his breath, he thought he heard everyone sigh, but maybe it was just him. Whatever the reactions, this was typical Reed. The flirt. Xia didn’t know yet, but she’d learn.
Xia grunted in reply. “Let’s get going then,” Reed chirped with a grin, content that Xia didn’t push it further.

"Awesome Ray! We’re going to get to see the crime scene!" Sloane exclaimed with glee. Reagan nodded with an ecstatic smile.

"Yeah coach! And we'll be private investigators," Reagan continued with a giggle.

"Oh, Ray, but we can be so much more! I am Sherlock Holmes, the private investigator,”

"And I am John Watson, the private investigator," Reagan finished with a grin, both putting a show of two men with strange expressions on their faces. They then fell into laughter, oblivious to the silence between everyone else.

"Aren't you two... a little female for private investigators?" Keto asked, clearly talking about the two legends they were claiming to be.

"Never too much to be Holmes and Watson, because their ready for action!" Sloane exclaimed with a wink, and Reagan winked as well. Keto smiled and blew a kiss their way, and they both faked a swoon. Jian elbowed him in the stomach, knowing everything was joke, but feeling the need to butt in the silent flirting.

"Ok, enough romance,” Reed exclaimed with a smile, which Isaac snorted in response, seeing as romance was his life. “We need to get going, the quicker the better," Reed got to the point.

BTW, I changed Aimi's name to Xia. XD I didn't like her name much.

Chapter 3

Once Reed, Jian and Keto left, Isaac, Xia, Sloane, and Reagan made their way to the cliff’s. Below was the vast ocean below, where Isaac had managed to climb down successfully without falling, hopefully, he would manage that again.
Isaac reached the point where he’d noticed Xia in the water and explained everything he saw.

“Here is where I saw you,” he starts, looking at Xia, and pointing, “There is where the man was, whatever the guy was, he was making sure you stayed under the water. At least, until he sensed me watching him. By the looks of it, he’d rather risk you being alive, than being seen.”

Xia nodded, she seemed to be thinking, but Isaac couldn’t tell what was distracting her. Sloane and Reagan on the otherhand, were already making the trip down the cliff.

“You special investigators need to be careful, it’s a steep climb down,” Isaac warned, looking anxiously at the rough waves. He didn’t want to have to save another two people.

“Yeah, yeah, old woman, we’ll be fine,” Sloane called back with a roll of her eyes, and Reagan giggled. Their talking soon grew lower and lower as they reached the bottom of the cliff, leaving Xia and Isaac in their own silence.
Isaac decided to see if he could figure out how they got there. He could see no signs of struggle, but then again, the tracks would have probably disappeared by now, because of the wind.

“What are you looking for?” Xia asked curiously but quietly.

“Just checking to see if there were any signs of struggle, maybe we could figure out where you were living from the tracks. Or then from where the thing that brought you – hopefully a car, it’s a lot easier to track than footsteps – because the wind has blown most of the tracks away, unfortunately,” he responded, kneeling down to look at the ground more closely.

Xia looked around nervously. “What if he’s still here? He could be watching us right now for all we know,” she said quietly. Isaac turned to look at her, he wasn’t quite sure how to react to her fear. With Reagan, Sloane and Jian in their group, he wasn’t used to other people sharing their fear. It could be because Sloane and Jian are too stuck up to say anything, and Jian turns to Keto anyway. As for Reagan, well she turns to Sloane, so Isaac never had to deal with any of that.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry, I think we’re pretty good at keeping you safe, you don’t have to worry. If he’s around, we’ll notice, trust me,” Isaac said gently, a hand on her shoulder. Xia shrugged it off slowly, but nodded and smiled her thanks. Apparently this girl wasn’t the touchy feely type.

Isaac walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down, looking for Reagan and Sloane.

“Guys! Have you found anything?” he called, but whatever the response was, he didn’t hear it over the crash of the waves. “I can’t hear you guys! Come up in a few minutes so I know you aren’t smushed in different pieces!”

“CALM DOWN OLD WOMAN! WE’RE FINE!” Isaac was sure he’d heard that clearly even over the crash of the waves, and he didn’t need to try and figure out who shouted it because he knew perfectly well. Sloane. Isaac sighed with a grin, shaking his head and laughing to himself.

It was silent as Isaac waited for Sloane and Reagan, but as he turned to look at Xia, a state of panic washed over him. Xia was on the floor, hands over her head. Inching closer towards her, Isaac tried to see what was wrong. “Xia, are you alright?” he asked worriedly, making sure he would not touch her again like last time. She nodded and raised her head to look at him, a few tears spilling from her eyes. He wiped them away gently, noticing how she looked slightly pale.

“What’s wrong, do you feel sick?” he asked, frowning slightly. Xia hesitated.

“I don’t feel sick, I just... I feel dizzy, I…” she trailed off, leaning against Isaac.

“Let’s get you back home, we’ll see what Reed and the others have so far,” he decided. Slinging her arm over his shoulder, he rose from the ground, carrying most of her weight.

“GUYS!” he called, referring to Sloane and Reagan who were still at the bottom of the cliff. He heard a small grumble for a reply, and it wasn’t long before he saw their faces pop up as they climbed back up again.

“I really liked that place you know, and we’re not on a time schedule. It’ll take ages before Reed, Jian and Keto get some answers!” Sloane exclaimed, clearly upset. Reagan on the otherhand, noticed Xia’s face and nudged her friend.
“What happened to her?” Sloane finally asked, catching up with what was going on.

“She’s not feeling well, we’re walking back, and from then on we’ll see what we do.”

∞∞∞

“Alright, now we just have to wait and see,” Reed said as he sat back in his chair, relaxing. They’d just set up all the computers Isaac had to search the planet for Xia’s ID, using her DNA through a piece of hair. This will hopefully also give a location in the planet, which is always an advantage.

Before Reed could even get comfortable, the door was slammed open as Isaac burst through with Xia in his arms.

“She passed out.”

“What the-“ Reed exclaimed, sitting back up in his chair. “Why?”

“She said she was dizzy,” Isaac answered, clearly puzzled as well. “She was a little frightened too, thought her attacker might be close and watching.”

“Did you check if she was right?” Keto asked.

“What? No! She was just scared, nothing more,” Isaac exclaimed, frowning.

“I think Keto was asking because she may have sensed something, or could have been instinct,” Jian explained, thinking.

“Or, it could have just been her, I don’t blame the girl. She’s clearly overwhelmed about everything,” Reed suggested.

“Well what do we do?” Isaac asked, not quite liking the situation he was in.

“There isn’t much we can do. We wait,” Reed answered with a shrug, sitting back in his chair to get comfortable again. Jian whimpered.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Once Reed, Jian and Keto left, Isaac, Xia, Sloane, and Reagan made their way to the cliff’s.

There are a lot of names in this sentence. I’d split it up into two. Also, ‘cliff’s’ doesn’t need an apostrophe.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Below was the vast ocean below…

You should kick out one of the ‘below’s.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… where Isaac had managed to climb down successfully without falling, hopefully, he would manage that again.

I’d make this into two sentences and rephrase it.
“Below was the vast ocean. This was where Isaac had been able to climb down to save Xia. Hopefully, he could manage that again.”

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Isaac reached the point where he’d noticed Xia in the water and explained everything he saw.

I think this is kind of obvious considering the next few lines of dialogue. I think you can cut out the line.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… whatever the guy was…

Maybe ‘whoever’? This seems to assume that whoever tried to kill Xia isn’t human. Since they’re on Earth, wouldn’t we assume that her attacker is human too?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

At least, until he sensed me watching him.

I don’t really understand why the term used is ‘sensed’. Again, it kind of assumes that this guy is psychic? As opposed to hearing Isaac or feeling the waves in the water?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… he’d rather risk you being alive, than being seen.

You can do without the comma after ‘alive’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Xia nodded, she seemed to be thinking…

I’d change the comma to a period.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… but Isaac couldn’t tell what was distracting her.

I think you could change this to Isaac’s speculation about Xia’s thought, or I think you can live without the line.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Sloane and Reagan on the otherhand…

‘other hand’ is two words.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“You special investigators need to be careful…

I’d put ‘special investigators’ in single quotations, but it’s just a personal choice.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“Yeah, yeah, old woman, we’ll be fine,”

I don’t really understand the ‘old woman’ jibe.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… grew lower and lower…

I think ‘quieter and quieter’ might work better for the effect you’re trying to get across. More that they are getting harder to hear instead of them simply lowering their voices a couple of octaves.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Isaac decided to see if he could figure out how they got there.

Who? Xia and her attacker?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Xia asked curiously but quietly.

I’d cut out ‘curiously but’. If you don’t want to, you need to add a comma after ‘curiously’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… where you were living from the tracks.

Doesn’t this assume that she came from home in the first place? Why does he assume that?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… hopefully a car, it’s a lot easier to track than footsteps…

Doesn’t that only apply if the car has skidded the whole way there? Do cars in your world leave tracks?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“Just checking to see if there were any signs of struggle … he responded, kneeling down to look at the ground more closely.

I just think that a lot of assumptions get made in this paragraph that don’t really get explained.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

It could be because Sloane and Jian are too stuck up to say anything, and Jian turns to Keto anyway. As for Reagan, well she turns to Sloane, so Isaac never had to deal with any of that.

I think you should cut this out and bring it in the story later by showing us this is what they do instead of simply telling us.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“CALM DOWN OLD WOMAN! WE’RE FINE!”

Personally, I don’t like anything in all caps, but I know it’s not technically wrong so it’s your choice.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… he didn’t need to try and figure out who shouted it because he knew perfectly well. Sloane.

Why not just say it was Sloane if Iassac knew?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

He wiped them away gently, noticing how she looked slightly pale.

I don’t understand why he’s wiping her tears away when he was just thinking that he was not going to touch her? I’d also cut out ‘slightly’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… referring to Sloane and Reagan who were still at the bottom of the cliff.

The reader can figure that’s who he’s talking to. Why not just say that he called down the cliff or to Sloane and Reagan?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

… which is always an advantage.

‘was’ instead of ‘is’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

What? No!

I don’t really understand why ‘No’ has an exclamation point. Maybe just a period?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“I think Keto was asking because she may have sensed something…

Again, I don’t really understand ‘sensed’?

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Or, it could have just been her, I don’t blame the girl.

I’d cut out the first comma and turn the second to a period.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

“Well what do we do?”

I’d put a comma after ‘Well’.

Originally Posted by iinsanely sane

Jian whimpered.

Why?