RANDOM - Artificial World Part I

Oh, how I envy the artificial world you have created! I have erected one, but it is in shambles and not quite true. Too many know of its existence and question it in the back of their minds. It is far from perfect--far from yours.

This world I have made only exists under two conditions--with someone and without someone. But the rest of the world knows or have noticed. Some have spoken; others keep their thoughts to themselves. To the latter I am grateful. It gives that oh so slight illusion that I will never be discovered.

I am certain that others have picked up on it. Now I am utterly certain. I just wonder how long it will take to get around to the one person who would ruin the world.

That dream is eating away at me.

It was never an artificial world. It was an attempted breakaway that failed. The shards that we had made were simply drawn back, and the short fantasy collided with reality.

There's a half world and the real world. And the half world often collides with the real world in a very painful manner. I don't know if living this half life is worth it.

RANDOM - Artificial World Part II

I would love to give up the half world because I had long ago decided that if I could not have what I wanted, I would not settle for anything less. This is less.

But I can't quite let go. I must take what I can and give nothing back for that is the hard way of the world.

And in this, I will take what I can. It is very hard for a beggar to refuse a cold plate of scraps because he thinks he is worth a warm meal. I cannot deny you if you offer.

It's quite pathetic.

RANDOM

http://scsc.smackjeeves.com/comics/221597/page-9/

It describes my dilemma completely. There are simply no words to add. This pretty much sums up my entire reaction.

RANDOM - Irony Drawn

It's irony enough that he must be the boy I have been drawing for years--the one that I have been visualizing with the hat and the hair. Now he must complete the picture with the guitar. And oh the irony! Had I not drawn that exact pose he was in tonight but a week ago?

I've never had a drawing come true before. It's wonderfully ironic and rather amusing--it's slightly scary.

Wouldn't it be strange if all drawings could come true? Of course, they wouldn't. That would be silly and asking for it. But it's so ridiculous--it's like something out of a manga or webcomic--just the ludicrousness of it all!

RANDOM - Musings Part 25

I have come to a realization. As much as I would like to put this as more, our relationship is basically attraction. Yes, there is some common ground that I didn't think existed, but we don't match. There is no banter, no long conversations--it is completely unlike your relationship with her.

Now you two, you two are a definite match. There is a reason for you two to be together. You enjoy each other. You are of like personalities, whereas you and I are almost opposites. The only thing we have is a love of being close to one another.

And even then I don't quite understand that. I can understand my side. I can see why I like being by your side, but I don't quite understand yours. I do not mean to fish for compliments or demean myself, but, honestly, there is so much else out there--there is so much more in your arms. I am vain, take care of my appearance, and would call myself pretty, but there are girls out there much prettier than I. There's a prettier girl right there. I don't understand why you would choose to have something less.

All I can come up with is that it is because I am there simply when she is not and happen to be the most approachable. But really, isn't that a bit greedy?

But I suppose I am a fool for not turning you away.

RANDOM - To Fall Asleep with You Part I
(Yes, I do know that I have written a drabble--well, several drabbles on this topic, but in light of recent events I find the compulsion to write of it again.)

I'd do anything to fall asleep with you.

I've always found that line in the song to be so very true. There is nothing sweeter than to have another heartbeat beside yours in rest, to be warm without a blanket just because someone else is near.

I mean this in the perfectly innocent and chaste sense. It is just sleeping and nothing more. It is enough.

But as nice as it was, I could not properly sleep. Too much of me was focused on the rise and fall of your breath, the warmth from where we were touching, the very idea of this actually being reality. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the last part.

Of course, it came to an end early--not with the morning but with a shift as you fell. If I were not so sad to see you go, I would have laughed. And you left for a safer place--the other couch with her.

RANDOM - To Fall Asleep with You Part II
(Yes, I do know that I have written a drabble--well, several drabbles on this topic, but in light of recent events I find the compulsion to write of it again.)

And I could not sleep after that.

I found no comfort in the softness of the couch or the expanse of space I now had. I was cold. I had been content without my jacket because it had been in your arms and you had been close, but with you gone I was freezing.

I was sorely tempted to reclaim my jacket back from you, but I just couldn't. It seemed to cruel when I looked at your sleeping form. Why is it that sleep seems to strip the individual to such an innocence?

And so I shivered.

But sometime later--I must have eventually slept for I cannot recall it--my coat was tucked around me. I wish I had been awake for it. Why is it that we miss the most tender moments? We are always looking away, too late, or just not listening. It's frustrating.

But I am unbelievably happy. It was something; it was beyond my wildest dreams; it was not much, but it was enough.

RANDOM - If you asked...

You lucky, lucky boy, I'm not entirely sure if you realize it, but you've got a girl who would do nearly anything for you. However, I suspect that you do know. Why else would you have called me and no one else? The fact is that it took very little convincing to get me to venture out in the freezing cold to you when I had stated not a moment ago that I didn't want to go with everyone else.

Yet for you, I drop everything and come when you call. It's horribly pathetic, but I simply find that I lack the will to refuse if you ask. Asking can be an oddly powerful thing. There is so much that you could have if only you asked.

You lucky, lucky boy.

Good luck on keeping what you have! Thanks for writing about the worlds again, it made me actually want to fix what is going on with my shattered one.

*glomps you* Well, you're on the path to fixing that now. ^^

...I'm hungry for cake. >_> And I'm in my drabble thread instead of doing math homework. BLAH. >_<

ha ha, yeah I know, fixing it now with Liz and it is all good.

RANDOM

That stupid dream again.

Well, it wasn't quite the same--the method was different but the message remains unchanged. First it was done in a serious, brutally honest manner. This time it was done almost playfully, a subtle warning. I guess my conscience is trying different ways to get to me. Wonderful, clever conscience! You deserve a cookie!

I don't think about it all that often when I'm awake, so the whole subconscious manifesting in my dreams is somewhat new. Well, paranoia and a conscience telling me what to do there is new--my subconscious has manifested in dreams before, but it was usually more pleasant. I've never had it eat away at me and stop me from sleeping. I've never had problems sleeping. Well, there were a few times, but it did not make me feel perpetually tired every waking moment.

This love is taking its toll on me.

RANDOM - The Colour Blue

Oh, how I hate it!

It is not a vehement hate like my loathing of pink and all the ideas it connotes. It is just that it is everywhere; everyone likes blue; it is the default, the fall back.

Yes, there are certain qualities to it that one can pick out, but it's just that it's such a everyone color. Look at our clothes. We have blue jeans. Why not purple jeans or orange jeans? No, they are blue because there is something about the blue's universal appeal.

It's disgusting. It's boring. It's bland.

I do appreciate blue in certain circumstances. It is simply that it tends to be overdone. And because of this, it has been rehashed and all of its subtleties of its tint and shade have been made into mockeries. It's just that blue could be so much more were it so much less.

RANDOM - It was just a dream... Part I

And with every high comes a crash. I just didn't expect it to come so soon. I should have just gone to sleep. I should have just died happy.

But I keep living. Life goes on, and the cold laws of reality slap me in the face.

And I find myself alone--alone in my artificial world.

RANDOM - It was just a dream... Part II

And while I was away, time was suspended. This world of ours was frozen. I could leave and come back. I said that I didn't intend to come back. I said that I intended to leave it all behind--to drown out this world in business and art.

I said that, but I wanted it to all still be there when I came back. I wanted to stumble back into it, and everything would continue. I wanted to hold onto this artificial world of mine.

I didn't really expect it to work.

And so everything is going according to my well laid out plans. Congratulations, you're a master puppeteer. You've arranged it all, and it's worked out just like you planned.

But what I planned is not really what I wanted.

And now that artificial world is mine--truly and only mine. It lives on vaguely in my musings, but it no longer truly belongs to this world. It has met its end in reality and perpetuates in dreams. It is my imaginings and nothing more.

RANDOM - It was just a dream... Part III

It was just a dream and nothing more, but how I wish I could go back to sleep!

It was a beautiful dream and will always be so. It will become a bright spot in my memory, something that I can fondly remember. It is something that I will always wonder about and what could have been. I will never forget it.

I don't know if I regret it. I do not regret my heart and the happiness I had--such simple, foolish happiness. I do not know if I regret not being selfish. However, my morals say that I choose for the better. Yes, there is a time when must be selfish in love, but one also must be able to let go and know that if it is truly love, it will come back to her.

Yes, I am playing the waiting game. I don't intend to wait my whole life, but I will wait for what is good and right and true.

And I may die a silly, hopeless romantic, but alas, that may be my fate and I could not die for less a love than one true.

RANDOM

Look at me! Look at me!
I am falling apart at my seams--
My braids unravel,
And my secrets uncoil!
There is nothing left of me.

RANDOM

Slipping over
Tripping under
I'm losing hold of what I said
And for a moment,
I am here with you again.

But I right my balance
And we are a mile apart.

Oh how I would like to fall again!
But such a contrived step
Is falsity, a lie
And it would slander the beauty
Of the accident, of the chance
It wouldn't be real.

To spend a life pretending
Or to spend a life
With the bitter realization
Of separation?

RANDOM

But really, I am fine. I am much better than I thought I would be. I suppose that is what happened--we simply fell and got up. We can dust ourselves off and compare bruises, but we are standing again. We can look back and see our fallacy and muse and laugh, but we cannot go back. We can never go back.

All the lover can do is hope that sometime a chance meeting will happen again--that sometime both hearts will trip and skip a beat at the same time--at the right time--once again.

Alas! A dreamer's idle fantasy!

RANDOM

I suppose I am only holding onto the thought of you not so much because of you but because I simply want to be in miserable. It is because that I realized the potentiality of misery with you and found that I could not simply go back to being "fine." I want to be miserable, damnit.

...And someone has been watching too much Hitch. Blah.

But it's just that it's so very true.

RANDOM

I thought the dreams were gone. I was free. I didn't regret. I lost, and I accepted it. It wasn't meant to be--at least not now. I hadn't dreamed of you for a week, yet after I've finally come to terms with this, I can dream of nothing else.

Well, I suppose I am suppressing this, and dreams are the outlet for suppressed fears and wishes. So this is a reasonable effect. ...but just because it is reasonable does not mean that I like it any more.

But I honestly don't really feel like I'm suppressing anything anymore. I mean, there are moments, but those are more like nostalgia and a wondering yearning for something I thought I had--it's nothing new. They're faded photographs that I can't look at without emotion.

I hate dreaming of you like this.

RANDOM - She walks by...

She walks by, and he almost misses her. She saw him coming a mile away, but his eyes slipped over her. Then there's the sudden light in his eyes--the reaction. He's startled, surprised. He looks like he wants to say something but all he ends up blurting out is a rushed "hey."

She responds likewise and smiles. And there's something in his expression as if he wanted to say more--do more. But then she has walked pass, and it is too late. The moment is gone.

She missed it.

RANDOM

She watched the girl fall in love and smiled. It was like a drama or fairytale. It was simply classic. That just made her heart light.

But it occurred to her that this was a set up. This was a ploy to save the girl--to open her eyes. And while it felt somewhat pretend, the intent was sincere. They wanted to save the girl. Was that not a noble enough cause? Yes. Yes, it was. She really didn't have any qualms with it. She simply hoped that the girl didn't discover their well laid plans. For if she did, all the painstaking work would fall to waste.

"That was my first kiss," the girl had said.

Yes, it was perhaps, but in other ways not. A kiss is a kiss and the girl had had them before. Perhaps this a first kiss--what set the standard--what she wanted to consider her first serious kiss.

And then it strikes her that she has never been kissed either. She has never even had the small interchanges that the girl dismissed as nothings. She has had nothing.

She wonders why her heart is so bitter to destroy a moment like this.

She is truly happy for the girl. Truly. It's just that she can't help but wonder...

But she knows that there's no plan being laid out to save her because she really doesn't need saving--or at least not in the same way. She could not be saved in the same way of simply having the first experience. It wouldn't be that that would save her. She wanted something real. Silly hopeless romantic that she was would settle for nothing less.

But no, she didn't need saving like that. She could walk through life and would be perfectly fine. Just fine.

Never extraordinary.

It turns out that right when mene goes down, I have this brilliant inspiration to drabble. Anywho, I did in word and I'll post it here:

RANDOM

4/23/08

How I ache to see you! It is ludicrous. I really don’t know what I’d say or do. I just want to see you—be in your presence. Because then I could lay some claim to you—I could say that I was more than this random girl you locked eyes with in passing. As of now, you are someone intriguing, a potential, but just that. Yes, there is a chance in that, but that’s just it—it’s just a chance—nothing more, no guarantee.
But there’s never a guarantee when you jump. There’s always a risk that you will fall spectacularly on your face. And the fall is exhilarating, but the landing is agonizing. That’s why we hope to fly. It just doesn’t always happen.
How I long to fly! But it’s the jump that scares me. I couldn’t just take that for anyone, for anything. I would have to be sure that it would be something worth falling for. There are many things worth flying for, worth winning for, but there are few things that I would strip down my pride for. I will only jump for something that I am willing to take the fall for. Otherwise I cannot only consider myself a fool—for it takes a fool to jump—but a blinded fool who knows not what he jumps for. If I must be a fool, I will be one of my own making.
Why can someone not play the fool for me? It would be easier, safer, cowardly. But you see, I will always play the coward—black—unless it is somehow proven to me that it would be worth it to play white.
I am subtlety—the puzzle to be pieced together—the mystery to be solved—the writing to be analyzed. Subtlety cannot play white—easily at least.
It can hint. It can flirt. It can wink out of the corner of its eye. Its nature is indirect. While it can play coy and bemuse, it in truth is seldom the deciding factor. It bedazzles and leaves the lover in forever in wonder. It is saying what one thinks and getting out of range before it is understood. One realizes nothing until the moment passes, and then it is too late. It is a tactic in the game. It is never the trump card. Subtlety never wins.

The Casualty

The thing about you
That kills me
Isn’t that intense gaze
Or your biting sarcasm
It’s your casualty.

The way you stand
The way you speak
The way you are

Everything is so offhand
As if it’s decided
At the turn of a moment
You plan nothing
Yet it turns out perfectly
Exactly your intentions.

This casualty
It renders me
Completely insensible
I can’t think
I can’t respond
The casualty is mine.