Please come back. I need you so much right now. I regret leaving you, and ignoring your attempts to reach contact with me. I hate myself so much for it, you were the light of my life and it's so dark here. Even after 5 years, I'm still crying for you to come back. I'm too afraid to message you, I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of what you might say.
I hope the planets align and we can meet each other again, and be the happy couple we were meant to be. We've grown, we've learned from life, I know we can try again and succeed. I just wish your heart ached as much as I mine does so you'll reach contact with me.
I miss you so much its crazy. I will wear your necklace that you gave me, every day. I miss the days we would sit in the school halls and just cuddle. I miss seeing your smile and your beautiful blue eyes. Please contact me soon. It really hurt when you moved away without telling me.
Thank you for the eye-opening interview on Monday. I had a feeling that it wasn't going to go well, and it didn't. One of the questions that was supposed to bother me isn't going to bother me as much now because I know. I know that I'm not going to get into that school. And I needed that wake-up call; not everything in life was going to be fancy and given on a silver platter. I realize that now, and I thank you for that jolt into reality. If it was supposed to be for me, I would have tried much harder than I did, but I didn't. Maybe another chance will open up for me, when I'm more mature and smart to handle things than now.
Now those horrible days are over, I can finally clearly see where I need to go with my life now. I need to start from the bottom and work my way up, just like how my parents had done. It's the best way to learn, and I'm grateful for that.
Dear M,
You have a weird way of flipping things around to make it my fault, but I'm starting to realize what a lame boyfriend you were - which doesn't stop me from loving you with all my heart.
You said you want to work things out, but I'm not falling back into that unhappy abyss again. I've given it everything I have, now it's on you.
I'm giving it one more chance, but I'll treat it like a new relationship. You have to win my heart again. Does that sound selfish? It shouldn't considering the energy I put into our 4 year relationship. I held us together, now it's your turn to bring us back.
Thank you for everything you've done, and continue to do for me. Who can really say what will come of the next couple of months, but i hope we can maintain our friendship. p
I'm worried about you. Ever since your nervous breakdown on Sunday night/early Monday morning, I've been very scared you might be losing the plot. To be sure, you have gotten better since that really bad episode, but you're still not 100%, and I'm really not sure just how well you are. I mean, you're still doing and saying things that don't make sense, and this was just how you were on Sunday before you had that major breakdown. I for one am glad we're going to get a nurse in, but you need to sort yourself out. I think your issues go back quite a fair ways, just like mine.
And what scares me the most is the fact that your depression is just as bad as what mine used to be (I still have it, but I've gotten much better at getting on top of it). I'm now seeing it from an outsider's perspective, so to speak, and it's scaring me that I'm now reliving the worst stages of my depression while seeing you now battle it, and I'm terrified you might lose your mind, just like I was scared of doing a few months back.
But the true issue at stake is the fact that one day, I'm going to strike out on my own. I know we're going to move to a new place together, because, well, we've been friends for more than 15 years, and you can't really erase that bond so easily. Sure, you get on my nerves, but you're still my friend, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to cut you out of my life, even when I do move on to mu own sharing arrangement, whatever that may be. And when that day comes, I want to be sure you're left in good hands. I don't want to move and be worrying about you, and wondering if I made the right choice. And I know you'd tell me not to be silly and to get on with my own life. And I am going to do that. But I need to be sure that you'll be looked after. That's my job for the moment, but I can't be doing it forever. One day, I am going to move on and claim a new path in my life, and I am praying with all my strength that it's a decision I'm not going to regret. You'll always be my friend, of course, but when I move, I'll be passing the torch of taking care of you to someone else, and I can only pray that the person in whose care I do leave you will know what to do. I won't be having the time or inclination to worry about you once I've taken a new path, so I can only pray you can get this under control.
But we'll still be friends. Never doubt that. I'm not going to cut you out of my life. We've got more than 15 years of friendship behind us, and you can't exactly erase that. And I certainly don't want to, nor do I plan to. But my life is still my life, and one day, I'm going to start taking a new path so I can branch out and learn about myself as who I truly am.
Here's to hoping things can work out.
All my best wishes
Me
Dear G
SCREW YOU. I now know what kind of friend you truly are, and I know that there is next to NO chance of there ever being anything between us. When I got back in touch with you almost two years ago, I hoped that the fates would be kind to us and finally allow us to be together. But when we did finally meet up, you were seeing someone, so I figured that that option was out. I shrugged it off and moved on, knowing that you'd probably be back to your old tricks before long - getting together, getting a bit frisky, cooling off, and acting like a prickly cactus. I knew the cycle. I was prepared for it.
But it never happened. In fact, in all the times we did catch up, VERY sparingly, I might add, the pattern never eventuated. And when we did catch up a couple of times last year, you didn't seem the least bit interested in resuming your old ways. In fact, you only wanted to see me when you needed help filming a few things for the chess club. I was cool with that. What I WASN'T cool with, on the other hand, was the fact that promised catch ups for coffee never eventuated. And I soon grew to realise that you were just not going to even CONSIDER the possibility of resuming your old pattern. You'd become much more of a rolling stone than before, and eventually, I realised that I was only ever going to be of some use to you when you needed me for something. You weren't interested in our old (naughty, but oh so fun) routine. I could deal with that. But you also didn't seem too interested in being friends, and I really couldn't deal with that. But I figured that if you couldn't be assed in meeting me halfway, I was better off without you. Not to mention the fact that you probably would've dropped me like a hot potato if ever you caught wind of the fact I have depression. You're just the type of person to do that, aren't you?
Not to worry. I'm well quit of you. I haven't texted or messaged you in a while, and quite frankly, I'm rather glad I decided to give you the flick. If you don't want to work a little harder to maintain our friendship, then I'm better off without you. I won't be your call girl when you need me for something. I'd rather be your friend, but if you're not all that keen, then screw you. I'm better off.
Best wishes, since it's likely I may never see you again
Please stop treating me like crap as if I did something wrong when I'm absolutely happy and to me we did absolutely nothing wrong... I miss you but I hate how childish you both are acting.
Dear You,
I'm so sad that I'm no longer your strength and now you can't open up to me anymore. I hate how strained our relationship has become. I hate that you let me believe your life was different than it is. I'm hurt that I opened up about being so scared to trust and you reassured me you would never do that and had no intention of doing so. Yet here iam. I'm sad because I just have to let you turn your back on us and shut me out, because I have no fight left anymore. I know your going through some horrible stuff and I'm sorry I'm not that person who comforts you anymore.
I have so much I haven't said to you. I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to let you go.. I will always love you.
I'm so upset that you left me because of my depression. You cant catch depression. Even though I'm wishing for us to fix things and go back to what we were, I'm glad you showed your true colors to me. You showed me what a real piece of crap you really are. My life may not be great right now, and while you left while I was at the bottom, one day you're going to see me on my throne.
I will turn every ounce of love I have for you into hate. By next year's Katsucon, you'll have a real enemy.
I have a friend who is coming to visit in a few weeks, and we were looking for things to do. We happened to come across your page, and thought that it would be fun to go for an hour ride together…. that is until I called to figure out how much it would cost me.
You see, my friend is under 200 pounds, so it would only cost her the 25$ mentioned on your website. But me, on the other hand, I’m over 200 pounds by quite a bit - I’ve always been on the larger side. And to find out it would cost me over 40$ more than her… to go riding for the SAME amount of time, honestly that really upset me. It makes me feel like people are being penalized for being over weight, which doesn’t sit right with me at all.
I get that it’s bad for the horses. I rode myself for years in my childhood. But if there is a maximum weight that you’re not comfortable putting on your horses for their safety, then cap it at a certain weight and leave it at that with a flat rate for everyone, instead of charging people WAY more just because they’re more than 200 pounds.
I will be honest with you. Last night, when we came across your website, we were both EXCITED. But now, because I will have to pay more than double what it will cost her to go for the same amount of time - you will no longer be getting any business from us. Because charging people CRAZY more just because of how much they weigh, is not right at all.
What did i ever do to make you scorn me the way you seem to be at the moment? In the six years i've known you i've tried so hard to be your friend, to be there when you needed somebody around. My god, i've done some pretty selfless things for you in the past, and i honestly thought you really valued my friendship. It was no secret that i was always your favourite, and you bent so many rules to make life easier for me, hell you even invented new ones!
You took a delicate and fresh 18 year old, who had suffered a lot of abuse during her lifetime, and like a wild bird finding itself in a garden of paradise for the first time in her life, you charmed me from the trees and i soon found myself eating from your hand. How How could you say the things you said and expect me not to fall a little bit in love with you? But it was more than that wasn't it? You were just as enchanted by me as i was by you. Was it that we've known each other in a previous life? Is that why i feel that infallible pull towards you despite the lack of enthusiasm you now show for my friendship?
You told Nat that i was one of the most important people in your life, and you don't know fully what you would have done without me in the recent past. You sang my praises so loudly neither of us would question your fondness towards me. But now, it's as if i don't even exist. I feel as though i was never that girl who you spoke to so tenderly, who you shared so many humorous times with, who you would never lie a hand on if you thought it might cause me pain. You watched me grow into the woman you saw me as at 19, and i wonder if it's possible that you think there's no place for you in my life now that i'm 24? It's not true, and i only wish you knew if there was anything i could do for you i'd be there. You occupied a time and place in my life that is singular, and nobody will ever get to experience that with me again, and i don't want to loose you to the rigours of time and relative distance.
Dear God.
Please, please, please let this go through and soon!
Let things flow & not put obstacles in my way.
I've had to wait a long time for almost everything that is good in my life right now.
Just let this go through fast. I need it to get here sooner rather then later this time!
Mom,
I miss you more and more everyday but I'm getting better. It's been one year, one month and one week since you died. I haven't gone to visit dad since Christmas. I can't go in that house anymore. I can't see your car parked in the driveway with four flat tires and a dead battery. I can't watch Juno whine at the door waiting for you to come home because she never was a smart dog and she misses you. It's not your fault, I know that. It's not anyone's fault. Bad things happen in life and you cry about them and eat ice cream and then one day you wake up and say "I'm not going to be sad today". You taught me that. But I miss you and I can't help it. I got ten inches of my hair cut off today. You would be proud. I didn't even cry about it. We're going to buy a house soon. Next year, we're getting pregnant. I hope it's a girl--I'll name her after you. Mother's Day is on Sunday. I get to be celebrated this year because of my fur babies. I'm going to do what you always did: sleep until noon and make someone bring me pancakes.
You know what I miss most about you? When you called to hear about my day. Dad doesn't do that. I know you didn't understand everything I was saying all the time. Didn't remember which friend was which or why getting my first kill in Halo was so important. But you cared. Or at least you did a really good job at pretending. I called dad when I bought new jeans and almost fit into a size 12. He didn't get it. He didn't know why buying jeans was so important to me. You did. You always understood.
I miss you so much I can't even tell you about it anymore. But I feel better every day. I know you're the shadow I keep seeing in my hallway. I know you're the one who's moving pictures around. I know you're the one who goes bump in the night and scares Ollie and Batman. You will always be with me. You will always be a part of me. I will never forget you.
Dear God,
Please let your will be done in my life. Allow me to let you help me and please show me the way to a better life for me and my son. Give me the words so no one has to suffer as I have and give me the strength to do what needs to be done. My sons father is a violent, dangerous man but he is his father and I pray that you show him the error of his ways before it is too late. In your name I pray and ask forgiveness of all my sins.
-Amen
I'm glad you've settled down this week, but last week? Sweet Odin, you were HORRIBLE. Now, I know that's your normal brand of humour, and I've more or less gotten used to it, but last week, you seemed to take a rather perverse pleasure in pressing every damn button I had. I wasn't feeling the best last week for several reasons, and I guess your brand of humour kinda set me off and got me more riled up than normal. Thank Thor you were less vicious and more amusing last night, else I might've said a few choice words to you!
So I figure now is as good a time as any to say; I know I did the wrong thing in breaking it off without telling you. You haven't brought it up, of course, so neither will I, but I still feel bad. As another friend of mine said, maybe it was just you feeling "neglected" and needing a bit of attention, hence why you decided to push every last button of mine last week. Either way, I'm glad you got it out of your system; at least that's what I want to hope. And if you're not going to mention it, neither will I. I figure that Pandora's box can stay closed until you decide to open it. But since you never put a very great emotional investment in our liaison, I figure there's sense in just letting sleeping dogs lie. And it was fun, but I came to realise that it wasn't what I wanted. I guess my last partner soured it for me more than I knew, and in the end, I've come to decide that I'm perfectly happy without it. Maybe I could've discussed it with you, but I can never be sure of what you'll do from one moment to the next, so I'm just letting the matter go. Maybe me breaking it off without saying anything was the best way to do things after all, so I'm just going to leave it be. If you're not going to say anything, neither am I.
All the best
Me
Dear L
You had NO right whatsoever to reveal the contents of my PM to you to anyone else. How bloody DARE you. And you've got the sheer gall to ask me for my address so you can send me a wedding invitation? I mean, REALLY? I don't even know you that well, and truth be told, when I was working there, you got on my nerves a lot. Always bitching and griping about something, and when you weren't airing your troubles for all the world to hear, you were friggen LOUD. It seriously gave me a headache most days. I honestly don't know what your fiance sees in you, but if he's willing to spend the rest of his life with you, well, fair enough. Still not sure if I'm coming to your engagement party, and I really don't know if I'm coming to your wedding, but I guess we'll see. I may do so, but if I do, it won't be for YOU.
Me
Dear V
Why the hell am I still in love with you? When I know I can never have you? Maybe cutting you out of my life is a good idea, and maybe it's a rotten one. You've never hurt me at all, so there's that. But I can never have you. And that's what rubs me so badly about all this. I can never have you, and yet I'm still in love with you. What's the deal with that? What is there about you that made me fall in the first place, and what is there about you that's ensured my feelings for you have never changed in all the time I've known you?
I guess I'll never know. But right now, I'm not sure if I ever want to see you again. I've gotten your number back, even after I deleted it, but I don't know if I'll be contacting you any time soon. It could be you've decided you don't want to talk to me any more, and if that's the case, then I wish you the best. Not sure if I'm going to L's engagement party, but if I do, it won't be for her. If I do go, it'll be because I want to try and mend bridges. I know I can't ever have you, but if I can still have you as a friend, then I'll count that as a good thing. I guess we'll see.
I really hope you're not still alone by the time you read this. Being alone SUCKS ASS. I mean, I hate it so much! It feels like middle school all over again, except the online version. You know? Where all of your friends have boyfriends and magically meet someone online in their area with similar interests, similar life goals and they magically live so close to each other that they can date and see each other often. I mean, WTF?!
Why am I so undateable?! WTF is wrong with me?!
Am I just so unattractive that no one wants to get near me or something?! Do I smell?! Can people smell me through their computer screens?! Am I just a freak of nature that people can sense through my text and they are afraid of me?! It feels like I only ever meet two types of men online, either ones that are creepy and just want to cyber with me, or ones that are so nice that they are taken or don't want me as their girlfriend. I mean, I just want to fall in love and magically meet someone in my area like my friends. Why am I always the one without a boyfriend when my friends can magically meet people and magically fall in love and be happy?
I mean... Damn. It makes me feel so disgusting. I'm always the one they go to for relationship advice too, right?! LIKE. WTF. YOU KNOW I'M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I HAVE NEVER HAD ONE SUCCESSFUL, REAL RELATIONSHIP. WHY ARE YOU RUBBING YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN MY FACE?! THANKS, ASSHOLE!!!
No one wants to date me. I'm undateable.
I hope you're reading this, Future Self and laughing because you're so happy with your perfect spouse and your perfect children and you're wondering how you ever thought that you'd ever be alone for the rest of your life and wondering how you ever thought you'd never meet someone you'd spend the rest of your life with.
Dear you two,
I am really happy for you. I know you love each other, and I am just an easy ground to step on. But please... stop. You've ruined everything I am. My heart is broken, I. Ry myself to sleep at night, when I actually get some slewp. I thought I was deserving of love... Why did you hurt me this way???
I didn't know I was going to fall for you when I first met you. When we first started talking. After all, having feelings for the same gender as I has never happened to me. I'm not sure how it started or why. All I know is that talking to you, staying up late at nights texting back and forth became something I looked forward to everyday. I enjoy each and every conversation we've ever had. I would hate when we wouldn't talk for a couple of days. Then I'd get sad when I learned that during those times was because you were having a bad day. Do you know how useless I felt? Living so far away from each other. I couldn't comfort you with a hug or hang out with you until you felt better. Slowly but surely, we started knowing things about each other that we've never told anyone else. You know my secrets and insecurities as I know yours. We became the best of friends.
At some point, I started to think, oh so foolishly so, that maybe you had feelings for me too. That maybe, just maybe, you liked me too in the same way I liked you. However, that wasn't the case, was it? You only saw me as a friend. I was so foolish and stupid to think that I'd be lucky to have you. When I confessed to you, you were, or tried to be, kind and cautious about rejecting me. You told me things wouldn't change between us. That we'd still be friends. But things did change, even if you didn't mean for things to happen that way. I acted selfish and broke our friendship. Not because you didn't return my feelings but because you treated me differently. I could tell. You were becoming distant. So I left.
But you found me. You wanted me back in your life. Why? I didn't ask you directly, I accepted that you wanted us to be friends, but you were still different. Things would have been better if you hadn't said that things wouldn't change because I believed you. I should have known better. Of course things change.
Our friendship got better but my feelings for you only grew.
They still keep growing to this day.
Even after finding out that you had a crush on another friend, my feelings for you remained. It hurt, but I was happy for you. You deserve all of the happiness in the world.
Perhaps, I'll always have feelings for you.
I know nothing will ever happen between us.
All I can do is stand here with my broken heart behind my back and smile at you when you look at me. Maybe one day I'll get over you, but I know that day isn't today. Tomorrow or next month.
Dear All.
Does everyone have that one annoying person that they dislike? I mean they haven't done anything to you really... Its just everything they do or say annoys you!! Miss bloody goody too shoes haha.
I can't wait to meet you, finally! I feel like we connected super quickly somehow these past couple of weeks. I almost feel like we've been friends for a lot longer. I hope you will make that one sacrifice...it will be good for both you and me.
Dear Self,
So it's been several months since I have last written a letter here and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being confident and patient with me for the past couple of months. With college and jobs and family piling stress on me, you've been really good to me. But I don't think I can be good to you quite yet. We still have a long ways to go for the rest of this year. I recently got a research opportunity at the local hospital and if I am good enough, they can start paying me and I can work as a cardiac study researcher.
In other news I also started a sales representative job at a shady company which I'm going to quit on Monday. I didn't get any kind of dignified service from the manager and I don't want to work under a company that doesn't treat it's employees with no respect or dignity. And he was kind of a douchebag to me anyways so it wouldn't really affect me too much. Too bad, I thought he was kind of cute actually. His personality kind of ruined it for me though.
I've grown so much from the last time I wrote a letter here it's unreal. Before I would be totally religious and always asking God for things but once I went to college I realized fairly quickly that I was just going through motions and not really meaning anything I say. Now I'm being sent off to learn Arabic and religious studies again and I don't know if I can handle it another time, but you know me well enough. This was of course all of my mother's doing. No big surprise there.
Mom is just as insensitive and gross as usual. I wasn't actually surprised when my sister said she was a vile person the other day. Even though we live in the same house, I've learned to stand up to her and not talk to her unless she talks to me. I'm not really sure where our relationship lies but I wouldn't be shocked if it was still pretty rocky. It doesn't really sit well with me but until I can get something that allows me to stay far far away from this hell of a house I think I can tolerate it for a little while. My brother and I still get along fine but there are some days that we can clash. As much as my mom wants to say that we aren't dysfunctional, we really are. I can't really bring myself to love any of my family though.
Either way, things are starting to look up a little bit, Self. It's still going to be a very bumpy ride, but what's the fun in life when it's not? ;) Hang tight and I'll keep in touch.
